Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Nerves

The pre-party buzz has been happening for a while now, and with the Shadow Lane party in less than two weeks, it’s kicking into high gear. As are my nerves.

You know, I annoy the hell out of myself. I’ve been going to these things since 1997. J is with me, so I’m never alone. I have friends there; I’m not walking into a room filled with strangers. I know the drill at these things, I know how to find room parties, I know what to bring, I know what to expect (more or less). I love spanking and lots of it. So why am I still nervous after all this time?

Can’t help it. I just am. I’m a skittish cat, as J calls me. No matter how many times I do this, I’m going to be nervous about it.

Part of it is the smorgasbord effect. I don’t play that often anymore on my own, for various reasons. There are many friends and spankers whom I don’t get to see, except for at these parties. So after months of starving, I enter this buffet, and I want to cram everything and everyone into a mere 2 1/2 days. And I can very easily end up making myself sick. I want to talk and hug and kiss and laugh and reminisce and play and play and PLAY and I can’t do it all. Especially since, unlike some of my friends, I cannot do without sleep. Erica without sleep is a disaster in the making, a meltdown waiting to happen. If I take time to sleep in, to take naps, etc., I will lose valuable time I could be with friends. But if I don’t, I won’t be worth a damn to those friends anyway.

Part of it is my own fears of not being “enough.” Will I be able to successfully give attention to everyone who desires it from me? And if I don’t, will they be hurt? Pissed off at me? Think I’m a snob? Or worse, God forbid, think I’m a wimp and I can’t take as much as I used to? Yes, I know that last one is stupid. But I reach a point sometime on Sunday where I wish I could just keep going on and on, but my body (particularly my butt) is screaming, “No, no, NO!” And I get frustrated with myself.

And finally, my own personality and nature is at war with itself. We have Erica the attention whore and the insatiable spankee, to whom these parties are as essential as air. Who thrives on the infectious enthusiasm and the sheer joy of these events, coming out of herself and blossoming like a hothouse flower. And then there is the Erica who gets overwhelmed, who doesn’t do well in crowds, who tires and burns out and wants to go hole up and be a quiet little Troglodyte. The quieter, loner side of me is the way I live most of my life day to day. I want to break away from that side for a while, and I do… but then I get tired and it comes back full force.

Yeah, I know you guys go through this with me every freaking time. A few of you get it; probably most of you shake your heads and wonder what my problem is. “What’s she got to be nervous about?” “Snap out of it.” I would love to, believe me. It’s exhausting being so neurotic.

I have two fun events scheduled for this party; I’m fairly positive I’m shooting with Northern Spanking, and I’m doing an interview with Richard Windsor. I don’t know which days or what time I’ll be doing either of these. Many friends are coming, old ones and newer ones, and I’ve already had several people express the desire to spend time with me. Yes, it’s lovely to be wanted! Remember, I’m the girl who still has the pre-party dream where I’m at the SL party and I’m either in the wrong place, or I’m there on the wrong weekend, or I can’t find any of my friends, and I go all weekend without playing with anyone. Yes, I really do have that recurring nightmare. So it makes me very happy that reality is quite different. But it also makes me nervous, wondering how I’m going to fit everyone and everything in.

Believe it or not (I don’t!), I actually got another offer for a video, to shoot with the Strictly Spanking NY people. Their reputation is stellar and I was so honored that they wanted me. However… their shoots are about pure discipline, no banter, no roleplay, just very hard spanking with hand, wooden paddle and a heavy strap. If I were doing this shoot as an isolated occurrence, no question, I’d be up for it. It would be challenging, but I’d want to do it. But during a party weekend, with a dozen or more other spankings? I can’t. I don’t have it in me; it would be too much. I hate that. I wish I could do it all. But I know myself, and I know that I’d be overextending myself if I committed to that on top of everything else I want to do.

How disgustingly ironic that I’m always wishing I could shoot more, and now I have to turn an opportunity down?? Unfortunate timing.

Bless J’s heart, he knows what a freakazoid I am before these things. He’s already listening to my frazzled ravings and telling me how much fun it’s going to be and how I’ll be fine once I get there. Oh, and in his infinite support, he’s endeavoring to “toughen me up” for all the play. Several times this weekend, he was servicing me with one of his two @#$%ing hairbrushes. Thanks a lot, honey. And he wouldn’t stop until I answered the question: “Why am I doing this?”

“Because you’re a jerk?” No.
“Because you’re a sadistic f***?” Wrong answer.
“I don’t know.” Sorry, that’s wrong too.
“OWW!” Nope, try again.
Because you’re prepping me for the party, dammit!!” That’s it! Now how about a thank you?

Arrrrrgggghhh.

I do think he goes too far when he puts that damn thing to my lips so I can kiss it. Today, I blew a big raspberry on it. Miraculously, he didn’t start over; I guess it was too damned hot.

Anyway, it’s late at night and I will probably wake up tomorrow and cringe that I laid my vulnerability and insecurity so bare, but what the hell. We’re all nervous, people. Even the veterans. Cut others some slack, and cut some for yourself too. These parties bring many emotions, desires and awarenesses to bubble right under the surface; it’s no wonder so many of us get a little nuts. I’m saying this more as a reminder to myself, but if it helps anyone else, then excellent. See y’all in a couple of weeks.

Single Post Navigation

24 thoughts on “Nerves

  1. Why are you doing this?Because you love it.Enjoy what you love and love what you enjoy.

    Like

  2. Okay, okay…. I've got the answer to what is causing you the most anxiety about a party!(and I know this how???).. Well, I know this, cause like you, I'm a recluse usually, a private person, almost 'shy' (coughs – Yes. That's true!). I'm very social online because I love making friends and then look forward to meeting them, or seeing my old buddies at a party.For me.. walking into a room full of people is a good and bad thing. I'm there of course, to get spanked. I'm also there to kibitz with friends and catch up. What's my priority though? SPANKING! These play parties are few and far between and I have to take advantage of the time I have to engage in this 'hobby' of mine because I have no local play partner. (grins)SO! Your new friends want to pick your brain, cause they're so excited about meeting 'their hero!" Your old friends want to catch up with everything in their lives and tell you about a new cool play partners – or an old familiar one, and everyone wants to just find out your schedule to see where you'll be and when they'll be able to snag you for some chat time.FIGURING THAT OUT (where you'll be and when) is a ridiculous thing to expect out of a person at a play party! Any person! Not just someone as popular as our ERICA!! – But corralling her is like cornering a humming bird.. IT AIN'T HAPPENING! She's flittin' here there and everywhere in search of the best and greatest fun spanking ever! (grins)Parties can have some planning going on (when to meet your play partner and in what room), but they can also be (most times) mega spontaneous, and someone may grab your hand and say "You.. come with me.. yes, NOW!". (grins)OKAY… Here is the RESOLUTION!ERICA… you have to eat right? (just play with me here) .. All you do is set up a time for LUNCH everyday, and let everyone know where you'll be, and invite them to come have lunch with you and then you can all catch up all you want! This way.. nobody is feeling like you're snubbing them, or 'not being your bubbly wise-crackin' self' and hunting THEM up to visit with.See how easy that was? LOLYou are a here.. Part of it is my own fears of not being "enough." Will I be able to successfully give attention to everyone who desires it from me? And if I don't, will they be hurt? Pissed off at me? Think I'm a snob? Or worse, God forbid, think I'm a wimp and I can't take as much as I used to?

    Like

  3. Hi Erica,I saw an interesting picture on Red's blog yesterday, and left a comment that it might be fun to try at Shadow Lane. Check out the second one down here: http://consensualspanking.blogspot.com/2010/08/vintage-art.htmlPlease keep in mind that I have never been to Shadow Lane, so I can only imagine….Hugs,Hermione

    Like

  4. Paul — good advice.Zelle — I love you! You GET it. I know you were hoping for some more "face time" with me at FMS and when it didn't happen, you didn't give me any grief over it. I so appreciated that.Hermione — LOL!! That picture is hilarious! Pity the poor girl on the bottom.

    Like

  5. lucky, lucky.i can't even imagine one of these partys.if i were to attend i would be too shy for spanking and instead offer girls a swedish massage. that, followed by a little naplet would recharge the batteries for more fun.zelles idea of arranging meals for conversation is perfect.just getting all that out will be a big help.best,ddon

    Like

  6. "I'm fairly positive I'm shooting with Northern Spanking"I'm absolutely positive you're shooting with Northern Spanking!

    Like

  7. Hello my Erica i agree with Zelle her idea is very good.you are my HERO my suggestion to you is like a certain special person told me once and you know who this person is 🙂 you are who you are just be the best you can be thats all anyone could ever ask for.try to stay calm believe me i know that is not easy i have the worst nerves in the world,i know you will do GREAT you always do YOU GO GIRL YAY Love and Hugs from your naughty girl Jade XOXO

    Like

  8. ddon — Years ago, a professional masseur used to come to the SL parties and offer his services to massage out bruises and soreness. He was quite popular, as I recall.Stephen — You're a prince. 🙂 I was hoping that was the case, but I haven't pinned things down with Miss Lucy yet, so I didn't want to assume anything.Jade — Guess I need to listen to my own words, huh? Thanks for reminding me, sweetie.

    Like

  9. I understand the nerves!!!!! They are starting with me as well, but only I use my nervous energy in creating wonderful photoshop masterpieces. :-PI'm also scared about going solo for the first time. I'm glad I am able to room with a good friend, but the best part about going with my boyfriend is the fact that I was guaranteed at least one spanking. :-PAnyway, I am looking forward to seeing you again. 🙂 It's a shame you aren't able to film with SSNY, but hopefully something else can be worked out in the future.

    Like

  10. Kat, I'm looking forward to seeing you too! I think you'll have a blast being solo, even though it's a little scary. You know a fair amount of people by now and you'll have a roomie.And I've seen your masterpieces… better kiss your butt goodbye, girlfriend. 😉

    Like

  11. The best at their craft ALWAYS seem to have stage fright. I can't speak for how well your butt will hold up through the many many spankings it's due. 🙂 But I think your friends will cut you slack with your routine to recharge your batteries. Those who know you best probably think the same that an exhausted Erica wouldn't do herself justice. Your newer attending friends probably read your blog and know your requests too. So get packed; get spanked; get drunk and…Do tell all when you return!

    Like

  12. Kelly — don't you worry, there will be full reports! 🙂

    Like

  13. For future reference can you give me an idea of the financial cost to attend for the entire event?

    Like

  14. I can definitely relate to the nerves, especially since this is my first party! It makes me feel better to know a few people who will be there, though, and I think the fun will definitely outweigh the jitters. I can't wait!

    Like

  15. Kelly — I'll drop you an email.Sophie — I do believe you're going to have a blast. And I know for a fact that you'll be in excellent hands. 🙂

    Like

  16. I'm the same way, Erica, despite as many parties I have been to, I am dreadfully anxious about this one.There are two parts to it, firstly, as you know, I am halfway through having my mouth restructured and I have teeth missing left right and (mostly) center, lol 🙂 My peeps of course couldn't care less and are understanding, it's the people I don't know that worry me and what their thoughts may be. As the surgery won't be completed until years end I have to suck it up, but it is pretty embarrassing to do so knowing that one is going to a spanking party.The other of course I have written about at length, and that is trying to avoid everybody Else's drama. I'm very much anxious about that, not necessarily because of the pending doom, but because I know what my reaction is going to be to it. You know I desperately want to go to this party and enjoy myself to the fullest I can, I honestly don't want to look like a disgruntled postal worker when I go off 🙂 Thankfully I will be attending with a fantastic group of people. I will have with me and will be handing out 'No Drama' posters 🙂

    Like

  17. I think everyone can relate to your feelings of uneasiness. It's up to each of us individually to do what it takes to have a good time. I doubt I will ever go to another of these parties after this one, so for me it might be more about meeting people or seeing them for the last time for a while, and playing if I get a chance. Parties like this for me are more to relax than anything else. I look forward to seeing you again. ~Juju

    Like

  18. Rich — you poor man, how do you eat? Just keep your eye on the prize — next year you can have the ceremonial unveiling. New teeth, goal weight, awesome! And meanwhile, like you said, the people who matter love you any which way.Juju — it's so true that these parties are what we make them. What annoys me the most is that I WANT to be there, with all my heart, so why do I put myself through so much crap?? LOL

    Like

  19. It's so brave of you to face your fears and vulnerabilities and lay them out for all the world to see. Fortunately, your group of friends doesn't expect you to be anyone other than your true self…and admires your honesty.So what if you go through this party anxiety every time? It's just part of the routine, and many others feel as you do. For those of us who are part Troglodyte, it is important to have a quiet refuge and get enough sleep to carry us through such intense socializing. Recently, I have started going to various community events where I know few people–or even no one–to practice socializing. It is hard but getting a little easier. You'll have an amazing time at the party, I'm sure! Just don't forget to eat and sleep. 🙂

    Like

  20. Dana — thanks for saying I'm brave. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is bravery, and how much it's simply that putting up a front and pretense is too damned exhausting. 🙂 I know I'll have a good time, once I get out of my own way.

    Like

  21. I am terribly jealous and think I would love to go to a party like that. Dev is convinced that I would spend the entire time having conniptions (made the spelling up as I think is only right for that word) and hiding behind him. I think you are brave too and being brave is only ever pretending that you are ok with something. If you don't give a monkeys then that is not brave it is at best stupid or at worst really stupid. 🙂

    Like

  22. Poppy — someday! Oh, and that IS the correct spelling for conniption. 🙂

    Like

  23. Erica:Regardless of what you know, how you feel is all that matters. What I can say is this: you KNOW it's all going to be okay and that you're going to have a blast, get great spankings, get tons of attention and have a wonderful time.Now…if only you could adjust how you FEEL to match what I know you know!I'll be there to help steady your nerves too–or make you more nervous as you wish!C

    Like

  24. Thank you, Craig. 🙂 I know you're right, and feelings aren't facts. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes!

    Like

Come on, you know you want to say something.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: