I’ll like two of those, please
Ever feel like this? And ever feel like you don’t have any right to complain about it, because everyone else is dealing with their own troubles and they don’t want to hear you whine?
I’m not sure what’s gotten into me lately, but I’m all over the map. Could be the ongoing emotional fallout from all the weeks of worrying about John. Could be worry about John’s future. Could be the onset of the holidays. Could be hormones. Maybe it’s all of the above.
Today, I started out sleepy and dragging. Later, as I sat working, one of those melodramatic weepy songs came on the oldies station… and I promptly and unexpectedly burst into tears. After that, I went into my bedroom, pulled the shades and closed the door, and burrowed for an hour. When I got up, I had this crazy urge to go to the self-service yogurt bar and gorge myself silly with creamy caloric sweetness. Waited that out, thank goodness. Then I went on FetLife and saw a disgusting photo, and felt incredibly, righteously pissed off. Now I feel like I want to jump out of my skin, but I need to compose myself, because I’m not going to endear anyone in this sort of mood. And John’s going to call shortly and I don’t want to worry him.
Sheesh! What’s it like to be an even-keeled person?
A friend on Fet suggested that perhaps I need a spanking. Well, duh. That’s a given. I always need that. 🙂 But it’s a Band-Aid, a temporary distraction. It calms me down and centers me for a while, until the effect fades and then I’m back into bitchiness and angst. Damn — I’m addicted! That’s it! I’m suffering withdrawal this week!
OK, I’m being silly. But I wish I knew what the hell is going on with me. Last Friday, I remember feeling quite serene, like all was well with my world. Nothing has changed since then; where did that good feeling go?
And yes, I do feel like I don’t have the right to grouse. Everyone I know is dealing with something or another. Everyone has pain and anxiety to some degree. Everyone has stress. So what does one do? Air and share? Shut the hell up and deal with it? Admit one’s humanity, self-centerness and imperfection, one’s struggles, or go do something else until the mood passes? Some people ignore their own needs and give to others… but then who gives to them? Where’s the right balance?
I often use humor to deflect my struggles; I suppose that is a tool I inherited from my father. Someone recently described me as brave. I don’t feel brave. I feel like a loony tune with precious little coping skills. But hey, I’m a damn funny loony tune.
I may very well regret the vulnerability and “me-ness” of this post. But sometimes, folks, this is where I am. I apologize.
So where are my pills? And can you give me enough to get me through until January 2?