Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Horrible-izing

That is John’s descriptive term for what I do. When there is an uncertain situation, when I don’t have all the facts about something and it could go one way or the other, my glass-half-empty mind wanders to the dark side, and I imagine the worst-case scenario. I know I do this, and logically, I know feelings aren’t facts and I needn’t give in to this. But viscerally, the fear and panic come in and threaten to overwhelm me.

I hate being like this. Damn, I hate it. Because life is seldom without some sort of uncertainty going on. But some uncertainties are easier to live with than others.

This past week, when I spoke with John on the phone both Monday and Tuesday evenings, I thought he sounded odd, more tired than usual. He’d had those days off, since he had some administrative time off he had to use up, so I figured he’d be well rested. He said he’d worn himself out doing yardwork, pruning trees, cleaning his house, etc. OK, that made sense.

Wednesday evening, we didn’t speak, because I got home late from the gym and he went to bed early, as he was going back to work on Thursday. So we spoke last night, and he casually dropped some bad news.

I should preface this by saying that John has the best dental hygiene of anyone I’ve ever known in my life. However, everyone in his family has bad teeth, so he is prone to a lot of dental problems. His teeth crack constantly. He has had several crowns and root canals. He had one tooth pulled about 10 years ago, because of an infection that would not clear up no matter what they did. And every time he has any kind of dental work done, he is at risk, because he’s infection-prone. And with his bad heart, infections can be deadly.

Last night, he told me that a tooth had been bothering him, so he went in to have it checked. Things snowballed from there… it could be a lot of things, but they suspect an abscess and possibly a cracked root. If the root is cracked, they’ll have to pull the tooth, but if there’s an infection, then he has to go through a bunch of expensive rigmarole. Not good.

That alone made me nervous, because when he was so violently ill at the end of last year, it was due to a strep infection, from germs that reside in the mouth. But then he dropped another bombshell. He confessed that he’s been feeling lousy all week, and he was going in to his HMO that afternoon to have blood drawn. 

Oh NO, not this again!

I never stop worrying about him. Those months nearly did me in, watching him deteriorate before my eyes, and then taking so long to recover. Even though he has gained back his weight, is exercising again and looks great, he’s always tired and it scares me, but we don’t talk about it. Each week, I just hope he’ll be OK and I make sure he gets lots of rest on the weekends.

But now he may be sick again, and if he needs major dental work done, that will up his risk.

It is mid-afternoon, and I know nothing. He went to work today, and I’ve been waiting to hear from him for an update, but haven’t gotten one. I texted him, but he has not replied. He’s seeing the dentist at 4:30 today. I have no idea how long he’ll be there. And all day, I have felt free-floating fear.

I went out, trying to distract myself, and ran errands. It just made me feel worse, as it’s hot as hell outside and that made me edgier. My apartment is very cool, comfortable and quiet, and I’m sitting here, trying to relax and wait. It’s the beginning of the holiday weekend, and everyone is busy doing something or another. I don’t want to bother anyone. It’s not what I do. When I am scared, my loner nature is stronger than ever and I withdraw.

So I’m writing. I have to get it out somehow. Sorry to be a downer, but it really helps me when I get this crap out in the open.

There is good news in all this. Last time, John was sick for a whopping five weeks before going to the doctor, which nearly killed him (and me, too). At least he learned — this time, he went to the doctor after just a couple of days of not feeling well. I’m grateful for that. If he does have a bacterial infection going on, they can give him antibiotics, which will help with the tooth situation too.

Anyway. I will update when I know more. Again, I’m sorry to dump. I do hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and you’re doing something fun!

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18 thoughts on “Horrible-izing

  1. Hello Erica, I am so sorry to hear that John isn't feeling well again 😦 that's TERRIBLE, I hope he feel's better VERY soon he is so brave with everything he has been through last year and so are you. I can relate to you about worrying and being scared cause i feel that way alot, i find it hard to keep focused as well. Don't be sorry i want to know how you are feeling and i care about you both. If you ever need anything don't be afraid to ask i would gladly help in anyway i can :-)Me and John get sick alot i am so over it i know John must be as well. Good luck to you and John you will be both in my thought's PLEASE update when you can as you said. Love you and big hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

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  2. Jade — thanks. I will, I promise.

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  3. Unfortunately, I cannot reassure you that everything will be all right, but I can assure you that you have not been "dumping" but simply sharing. And I suspect that most of your readers would feel likewise. It's one of the (many) reasons we continue to read your blog year after year: you are a human being with a wide range of feelings and insights. Often funny, always witty, but ultimately always humanly divine.I'm so sorry to hear about John's latest health issues. He (and you) have certainly been through enough! Let's just hope that he will have a speedy recovery this time. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both.

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  4. Erica.. your glass is half FULL… because John is proactive now. That is such a relief! Lord knows Men ignore warning signs.. but John is smart, he learned from his experience. He's gonna nip this in the bud EARLY.. just so you can avoid having to write the blog on the "what would have been".. had he not acted so quickly. Let it out Babe.. bloodlet all ya need to.. after all.. isn't that what they say about writers.. that it's not until you bleed a vein or two out, that you aren't really writing? Or, as Ray Bradbury said.. "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."Fill your paper (BLOG) with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

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  5. I wish John well Erica. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.joey

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  6. John has learned from his past mistake of delaying a trip to the doctor, and it's great that he acted so promptly this time.My teeth are like that too. A trip to the dentist several years ago for what I thought was a lost filling took an abrupt downturn when the dentist said to his assistant, "uh, oh. Get me a root canal tray" and to me, "Don't worry about all the blood." Good thing I'm a masochist!Please update us on John's condition. You're among friends here.Hugs,Hermione

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  7. Good luck, Erica

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  8. Erica,Those of us who follow you don't mind at all when you let us know what is going on with you. You are being honest with us and that is one of the things I really love about you.My thoughts are with you and John and I hope things will go well and if it is not the best it could be, may it be better than you think.All of us care about you and John.

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  9. I know anything related to one's health can be scary and easy to let your mind run to worst case scenarios. Hoping for the best for John and for you.

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  10. Dana, Zelle, joey, Hermione, MrJ, Bobbie Jo, Lea — thank you. You're all very dear and I appreciate it so much.John nearly gave me a heart attack yesterday because he didn't answer his texts or his voice mail. Turns out he was so busy, he didn't even bother checking them, and he forgot that he was supposed to call me. So I sat at home with my imagination escalating. When I finally heard his voice yesterday at 7:30 PM, I was quite beside myself.He is on antibiotics and will be seeing a periodontist. For the moment, he seems OK. Me? I now completely understand why people drink. 🙂

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  11. If you don't kill him.. I'll do the honors! OM(freakin)G! He knows how ya are! smack! smack! … oy vey! MEN! .. will they ever learn what fragile lil beasts we are?!!

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  12. AHMMMM!!!! Lop him up on the side of the head for me. LOL I guess guys sometimes don't think, ya think? ARG! And all the ranting and raving doesn't help one bit. Or does it?!Erica, I think you will survive, though you may want to cream him in the blender for it. ;-D

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  13. Hi Erica, I am so glad that John is ok, I can just imagine how nervous and upset you were from not hearing from him right away 😦 I think you should become toppy just for one time and put him otk and give him a good spanking with the hairbrush hehehe LOL, That will teach him not to worry you like that. 😀 Love you sending you big hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

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  14. Oh dear. This isn't at all what you need! I'm so sorry to hear John isn't doing great. Please send him our best!

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  15. That's men for you:) Glad to hear John is OK Erica.Love,Ronniexx

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  16. Zelle — yes, he knows very well how I am. (sigh) I don't care to revisit any more days like Friday. He felt bad, though. (as well he should, dammit)Bobbie Jo — no, ranting and raving never helps, although sometimes it feels good for about two minutes until remorse sets in! Jade — nope, not an option. 🙂 But I think he'll be more careful. He doesn't like to see me cry.Craig — at the moment, he seems to be OK. He may have some sort of infection in his mouth, but his body is all right, white blood count is normal. And he's on antibiotics so that whatever is in his mouth won't spread. (whew)Ronnie — yeah, gotta love 'em!

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  17. Hi,I know I am late to this and I have read your later posts and know that you are feeling better and John is ok. But I just wanted to say that I have the same ability as you to take every dark turn at every mental crossroads and end up in some fresh hell every time you have some time and some vague news. You are not alone. I am wondering if maybe being like we are makes us appreciate a certain something in a man. I must write about this properly sometime.I am glad you feel betterxxx

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  18. Poppy — thank you, sweetie. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does that. It makes me feel rather foolish sometimes! (sigh)

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