Shadow Lane 2011, Part 3 (this one’s kinda long)
You guys know me well enough by now to know I share the downsides as well as the upsides of these gatherings, and the parts of myself I’m not overly proud of when they emerge. Emotions run high during these weekends and sometimes, it’s like being on a roller coaster. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I still wish sometimes it didn’t happen. However, this time, I was in the best of hands when Meltdown 2011 occurred.
It’s no secret that, despite all the work I’ve done on myself over the years, I still have a persistent insecurity streak that will probably never be completely eradicated. And without going into too much detail, there are certain types of people who push every insecurity button I have. One such person was at this party; someone I have seen before and was hoping I wouldn’t see again. And I gave her way too damn much power. Which pisses me off, because I’m sure she was completely unaware of MY existence.
Anyway… Saturday night, back in Dr L’s suite, I was hanging around in the kitchenette with Sophie and Djinn. I’d played little so far, I was feeling a bit unsure of myself, and this person was very much there, so I got a bit snarky. OK, more than a bit. Not proud of that, folks. Sophie and others had laughed at my pithy comments, but Djinn did not — he just gave me searching looks and knowing smiles, which unnerved me a little. He then said, “If I take you off and spank you, who’s going to watch over Sophie?” (He was very protective of her and didn’t want her to be deluged, which she would be the minute he left.) I said, “John will!”, so Djinn recruited John, and off we went.
I was happy about playing with him, as he’s a great spanker and reads me amazingly well, considering we’ve only played once before, but I was uncomfortable too. I was beginning to feel a bit ashamed of my bitchiness, and felt absolutely mortified when he revealed that the person in question was a friend of his. Ugh!
“You must think I’m a catty bitch,” I moaned, wanting to shrivel up and disappear. He assured me that he most certainly did not, but I still felt awful. As we went into my room and he pulled a chair out, I kept babbling. “I’m really not the kind of woman who tears down other women, I hate women like that, I don’t usually do this, it’s just that blah blah blah…” He just looked at me. “You can’t let this go, can you,” he said, his tone calm. “No… I can’t!” I blurted, feeling more foolish by the minute.
“I’m not angry at you, I don’t think badly of you and I care about you. I’m going to give you a good spanking because you clearly need one. Do you understand?”
“Yes, what?” I didn’t answer at first.
“Erica, you know how to behave. Answer me.” Instantly subdued, I murmured, “Yes, sir.”
He has a very strong hand and didn’t need implements. The spanking went on for a while, I don’t know how long, and it varied in intensity. All the while, he spoke to me in the same measured, calm voice, saying kind and soothing words to me, and, much to my ultimate embarrassment, I lost it. I clung to his leg with both arms and wept, tears dripping off my nose onto the carpet. He knew I was crying, because he could hear me sniffle. And he treated my tears with the utmost respect and sweetness. Slowly, I felt the tension ebb out of my limbs, my back, my neck.
“Do you have anything to say to me?” he asked, as things were winding down.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank YOU,” he answered. He kept me in position for a while. I still felt a little embarrassed and I was in no hurry to get back up and face him, but I definitely felt much better. “I don’t know what gets into me,” I mumbled. “These parties mess with my head sometimes.”
“Me too,” he said. “Really? You’re not just saying that?” “No, I’m not.”
Such complex creatures we are.
Finally I got up and we hugged. He stayed with me while I fixed my face, made sure I was OK before we went back to the party. I felt restored and calm, all the tension and nattering in my head gone.
Thank you, Djinn.
I think I will end Part 3 here.