That’s a tool we shrinkees learn early on — contrary action. You get a negative impulse, you counteract it with a positive action. You don’t feel like doing something that’s good for you, do it anyway. Do the contrary. For a contrarian such as myself, you’d think that would be a piece of cake. Not so, however.
So, I don’t feel like writing. Tough. I’m writing anyway. Because I need to.
I didn’t see ST on Monday night. I’ve had a bit of a wonky stomach on and off since last weekend, and on Monday when I tried to push through it at the gym, I got dizzy and broke out in a cold sweat. I knew something was off when the thought of lying on my belly and getting whaled on made me feel nauseated. So I cancelled. I didn’t cancel because I’ve been depressed, because I really did want to see him. Anyway, I had nothing else I felt like writing about, so I took a break.
Yesterday came and went. Despite the fact that I didn’t post my usual Monday night blog, it apparently didn’t register on the blogosphere radar. I got four messages asking where my post was and if I was OK. Four. Talk about humbling. Surprise, surprise — Erica isn’t the center of the universe.
So all day yesterday, I isolated. I didn’t tweet, post to FetLife or anything else. I thought, fuck ’em all. I could completely disappear and no one would notice or care. Familiar territory, one I’ve visited many times in my life.
That got old. REALLY quick. I never wanted children, so having an inner five-year-old got tiresome immediately. Isolating and withdrawing is my go-to mechanism, but time and again it has proven that it doesn’t work for me.
Last night on the phone with John, I said that I don’t know why I can’t break out of this loop. I am consciously aware of all the good things and good people in my life, and yet, all I seem to be able to do is focus on the negatives and the losses. I know I’m being ridiculous, I know that others are probably looking at me and wondering what I’m crying and whining about. So why can’t I just knock it off?
He said because that’s how you are. It’s what you do. You can’t help it.
Yeah, I guess.
I know one thing for sure. Beating myself up and saying I should be feeling this or that doesn’t work. And completely removing myself from everything doesn’t work either. So fuck it. I’m writing.
Recently on FetLife, someone posted a journal entry, a poem about her depression. It reminded me of something I’d written a couple of years ago; I think I posted it on my old MySpace blog, but I’m going to repost it now. She wrote of hating her depression; I chose to write of accepting it. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If I embrace it, perhaps it will settle down and leave me be for a while.
Guess I’m not going to get Chrossed this week. Oh well. I can’t always be entertaining, interesting or titillating. Sometimes, I’m just plain neurotic little me. But I’m here. I do not plan to disappear. It’s too lonely, even for me.
MESSAGE TO DEPRESSION
Hello, old friend
Been a while.
More time passes between your visits these days.
Sometimes, I even forget you’re out there.
But I know you wait for me.
Wait for a chink in my armor, for a weakened state.
Then you slip inside and make yourself at home, in your old familiar surroundings.
I feel you deep within my bones, weighing down my every step.
Sucking the color and light from my world.
Singing sad songs to me, telling me lies.
I look in the mirror, and I see you reflected there.
But you know what?
Your visits are shorter.
You may be strong-willed, but my will is stronger.
The love of my friends, the love I have for myself, is more powerful than your malevolent force.
I know I will never fully vanquish you.
You’re like a virus lying dormant, waiting for its host’s vulnerability.
But while you used to stay with me for months, for years, now your duration is merely a week or two, sometimes days. Or even hours.
Suddenly, a day goes by, and I realize I haven’t cried.
My bed once again becomes a vehicle for peaceful sleep, rather than a refuge from the world outside.
I remember that life is good.
So, while you’re here, enjoy yourself.
Come join me under the covers in the darkness.
But don’t get too comfortable.
Because you’ll be going. Soon.