How much does one share?
We live in the age of social media, of anything and everything being fodder for the Internet, for the tabloids, for blogs. People post their deepest, darkest secrets, their pain, their joy, their Achilles heels. They play out their lives, all grossness intact, on reality TV. So what are the rules, if any? How much is too much? When does sharing encroach upon TMI? When does it violate another person’s privacy?
I am very open about my life, and I also find writing to be a therapeutic tool. When I blog about my life and my struggles, it makes me feel more connected and less alone to know that others are reading and relating. But sometimes, my struggles involve other people, and then I have a dilemma. If I don’t write, I don’t feel like I’m being true to my blog or to my readers. But if I do, I feel like I’m running the risk of saying too much about another. I am very discreet and I never reveal things over which I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Still, I hesitate over many entries sometimes, and end up scrapping them, even though they are things I desperately want to talk about, get a broad variety of viewpoints.
You all know I love John dearly. However, like all couples, we have our struggles. I’ve made no secret of the fact that we both play with other people because we cannot fulfill each other’s fetish fantasies. I cannot top him, and while he can top me, I can’t take him seriously. I’m too close to him.
So he plays with femdoms and I play with male tops. I have a distinct advantage: I have a flexible schedule during the week and I can meet with ST or other tops I’ve known on my own time without impacting my time with John. Unfortunately, John cannot say the same. He works 12-15-hour days during the week and the only play time he has is on weekends. The time we spend together. So whenever a femdom comes into his life, it impacts us, sometimes a great deal.
John does not play with pro doms. It would be easier if he did; then he could set the time and date, have his sessions, get his needs met. But he doesn’t want that level of control. Part of his need is for the domme to have complete control, so he doesn’t play with scheduled pro tops. He really doesn’t play, period. He enters into service with lifestyle dommes. The ones who expect their subs to be at their beck and call. And he gets consumed. I watch his usual logic and reason and priorities go *poof*.
Because of how I play, I am able to completely compartmentalize and schedule what I do. John cannot. So whenever a femdom comes into his life, it’s very disruptive.
Pro dommes, while they may be strict, play hard, etc., ultimately do what their clients wish them to do. They are in a business of fulfilling fantasies. Not so the lifestylers; not with John’s and my experience, anyway. They want what they want when they want it. And part of John’s desire is to give it, without limits. It’s pure submission. If he hooks up with someone sane and reasonable, it’s not a problem. However… there are a lot of extreme femdoms out there. It’s not just male tops who can be dangerous, kids. There are some John has been with who have scared me half to death. He’d tell me stories about things they’d done to their slaves and I’d feel sick with fear when he went off to scene with them. The best female tops love men, just like the best male tops love women. But I have seen more men-hating femdoms than I care to think about.
Long story short? It’s starting again; he’s met a new one. The last one was so bad, she nearly broke us up. He says this one isn’t crazy. For one thing, she knows all about me. That’s an improvement; in the past, he’s denied my existence to these women, claiming himself single and unencumbered. He says he has to; that if he tells them he has a girlfriend, they’ll dismiss him. The last one actually came to his house and went through his trash, searching for evidence of a woman’s presence. So who knows. Maybe this one will be different.
But after over 15 years of bad experiences, I’m skeptical. The old fears kick in. No, he won’t leave me for a femdom. He loves me. But when he’s enthralled with a domme, he becomes a man I don’t know.
I don’t want to go into the details of his relations with femdoms and the specifics of things that have happened over the years. Because then I think I’m crossing the line into his life. Which brings me back to my original dilemma… I don’t know how much to share. I want to talk about what’s going on with me and how I’m feeling about it, but I know I must stop at some point before it becomes TMI about John. Even this post feels like too much, and yet I’m sending it. Because it’s something that’s looming very large in my mind and I need to talk about it.
Please don’t worry; the relationship is good. John has his weaknesses like any other (including me, heaven knows), but he is one of the best people I know. Today, when we went to brunch and we were at the register paying, he glanced over and saw a grizzled older man sitting by himself eating. He had an oxygen tank sitting on the booth next to him and tubes going up his nose. John handed the cashier a $20 and asked her to please use it to pay for the man’s lunch.
I can’t stay upset with a man like that.
I guess time will tell. I need patience and flexibility, and I don’t have either one of those in abundance. Oh hell, I don’t have either one of those at all. But somehow, I need to find them. Or learn how to fake them.
I want him to be happy. I want him to have the same fulfillment I do.
Thanks for listening.