I forgive you, Tim Burton
(No, I don’t. I just said that ’cause ST insisted. Explanation to follow shortly.)
OK, I promised a more fun blog tonight; enough of this depressing life stuff for a while. I had doubts about whether or not I’d be able to deliver, but ST distracted me and made me laugh — exactly what I needed.
So what’s this about Tim Burton? Well. I’m not going to go into it a whole lot tonight; in the future, I will posting the mother of all rants, but I’m not ready for that yet. In a nutshell, here’s the story: Y’all know how impassioned I am about Dark Shadows. And you’re all no doubt familiar with Tim Burton, the man who has created all those bizarro movies over the years (some good, others dreadful). For years (literally), there has been talk about how he and Johnny Depp were collaborating on a Dark Shadows movie. Apparently Depp is a huge DS fan and has wanted to play the vampire Barnabas Collins for most of his life. Long story short, the film has finally become a reality. It opens in May, but the trailer came out about a week-and-a-half ago, along with the official movie poster.
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have taken a much-beloved cult classic, a gothic horror soap opera, and turned it into a comedy. A campy, cheesy spoof of the show, with a vampire from the 1700s being released from a coffin into the 1970s (complete with disco, and Depp’s character freaking out when he sees a television). While the original Barnabas looked like everyone else (so he could blend in and keep the secret of his vampirism), Depp’s Barnabas has thick, pasty-white makeup on, with blood-red lips and dark rings around his eyes. He looks like a circus freak. Or Michael Jackson.
What a viral firestorm. You have the camp on one side, the tweens, the Twilight fans, the Burton-Depp-ites, who think it looks hilarious and can’t wait to see the movie. Then there’s the other camp — the die-hard fans of the original who think this reinvention is a travesty. Twitter, Facebook and several forums have been buzzing with this controversy. And guess which camp I’M in?
It started when I first saw the trailer and went berserk. Then I started finding the various forums and posting on those. And finally, I found kindred spirits on Twitter and I have been tweeting bitchy, snarky comments about the movie and what I think of Burton & Co. ever since. Many have “favorited” and retweeted me. Others probably think I’m a complete pain in the ass and need a life.
An article in yesterday’s L.A. Times Calendar section fanned the flames: it was about the film and the writer’s tone toward the original show was rather condescending. Tim Burton was quoted as saying that technically, the original was “actually awful.” Some fan! I was so pissed off, I wrote an email to Calendar Letters (let’s see if they publish it). One of the stars of DS, Kathryn Leigh Scott, didn’t care for the article either, and she blogged about it (I commented to her, but didn’t include my blogsite link out of discretion). I tweeted my fool head off about it today. An example of my tweets? “So Tim Burton thinks the original Dark Shadows was awful? Mr. Burton, you can bite me. And not my neck, either.”
So what does this have to do with tonight? Connect the dots, kids. I got taken to task for being such a “trouble-maker” and “wreaking havoc all over the Internet.” Oh, good grief.
“It’s just a movie!” he said, making his point (whatever the hell that was) with the Spanking Buddy.
“It is NOT!” I screeched in indignation. “It’s a desecration of my childhood memories!” My melodrama didn’t seem to faze him.
It got progressively more ridiculous as the scene wore on, with ST saying that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp probably saw my tweets and are highly insulted, and Johnny Depp probably wants to come over and spank me. (I didn’t find that notion at all unpleasant, as long as he doesn’t wear that stupid makeup.) I snapped that Burton and Depp have better things to do than to monitor my tweets.
ST also thought I was judging too much on just a trailer and I should see the movie. “Never!” I hollered. “Not in the theater, not on Netflix, not on DVD. They’d have to pay ME to watch it.”
“You’re like a child who won’t try her peas!” he scolded. “You should try things before you decide you don’t like them.” Hey, if Tim Burton or Johnny Depp want to serve me peas, I’ll eat them. But I’m not losing two hours of my life to that piece of dreck.
Long, long battle of wills, kiddies. Finally, ST had to concede that nothing he could do would stop me from continuing with my tweets and other postings, or change my mind about the new film. But really, I should be nicer to Burton and Depp. After all, it’s the movie I hate, not them, per se. So… I had to count out 25 strap strokes and after each one, say, “I forgive Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.”
I was obedient, counting out each one and repeating the phrase. But after #25, I added (very loudly), “But their movie SUCKS!!!”
I had to have the last word, didn’t I? I mean, we’re talking principle here.
(And yes, I know I’m being utterly obsessive and silly about this, but you ain’t heard nothin’ yet.)
Anyway, here I am, holding the paper with that damned article:
Notice that header, “Playing with Dark Shadows”? That’s exactly what those buttheads did. And here’s what I think of it:
I’ve already tweeted the second picture. :-Þ
All silliness aside — tonight, as always, ST managed to give me what I needed. Last week was about intensity. Tonight was about lightening up, having some laughs and just forgetting all the BS for a couple of hours.
What more could a bottom girl want, really? (Well, besides a little more respect for her show, but whatever…)