Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Fifty Shades of Ellen

No, this is not going to be a review of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Why? Because I haven’t read it. Nor do I intend to. The most I’ve done is flip through it in a bookstore. However, I’ve been keeping up with the mass media about this book (one of three), about the author, about the phenomenon that is this trilogy. I watched E.L. James on “20/20.” I’ve read the reviews — both from vanilla readers and those of us who know BDSM firsthand (no pun intended).

My impression? It’s a vanilla imagining of what we do, not to be confused with what we actually do or what we’re about. It’s written by a bored housewife who did all her research on the Internet, and it’s being gobbled up by legions of bored housewives who engage in missionary sex once every couple of weeks or so and wonder what this kinky stuff is about. It’s an S&M version of those overwrought, clichéd romance novels I eagerly consumed in high school and college as a closeted spanko, surreptiously seeking the occasional spanking scenes. And finally, it’s yet another twist on that tired old chestnut storyline, “young, naive girl gets enmeshed with an older worldly gentleman, who just happens to be conflicted and damaged, but they complete one another.” Meh.

Anyway… a friend on Facebook passed this on to me, and it’s simply too good not to share. The incomparable Ellen DeGeneres, attempting to do an audio version of the book — as one might expect, she had a bit of trouble with it. Enjoy!

On my mind: Speculation

Before I get into this, one important note. I will be referring to certain people and blogs, but I am not going to name names. Some of you will know who I’m talking about, others will not. Please don’t ask me for details. I’ve chosen this route to maintain at least a modicum of discretion.

A week or so ago, I stumbled across a post on a blog I’ve never read before; the title of the post attracted me, because it mentioned people I know. I went on to read what I considered a lot of passive-aggressive speculation and innuendo about the relationship between a professional domme and a married couple. She (the domme) and the wife co-top the husband. Sounds perfectly normal, perfectly healthy to me. But apparently to some, it’s up for questioning.

Granted, this blogger never accused the domme of anything; in fact, they complimented her and made a point of mentioning several things that they did NOT think she was doing. (“It seems pretty clear that she is not intent on destroying a marriage.”) What this person didn’t seem to realize (and I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here) is they’re planting seeds of speculation by the mere mention of what the person is NOT doing.

The blogger’s overall question was, what does a pro domme get out of “investing time and taking care of a married man.” What drives her? Is it the money? (Yes, they speculated on how much money she might be making from the deal, which was in bad taste.) They ended the blog by stating that they “seriously doubted” this domme’s motivation to develop such a closeness with a married man was linked to not being ready for her own relationship, or fear of too much closeness. Once again, just stating this, even in the form of denying it, sets up speculation.

I was really, really annoyed by this blog, on so many levels. The first thought that came to mind was, how is this any of the blogger’s @#$%ing business? But then I realized that wasn’t fair. We live in the age of the Internet, of reality TV, of tabloids. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. And if they don’t know it, they feel entitled to know it. So I moved on to the next point.

What drives this domme? Why does there have to be a drive? How about that she likes these people, she connects well with them and the three of them enjoy a mutually satisfying scene friendship/relationship? What a concept! Why does there always have to be a salacious undertone to scene relationships? What, a pro domme should only top single men, or single women? One connection has to lead to another? What narrow-minded nonsense.

I can understand a garden-variety vanilla person coming up with all sorts of ulterior motives, because they can’t comprehend the nature of what we do. But this blogger is one of us. They should understand, at least on some level.

And really, if they had these burning questions, why not address the source directly? Again, this is the age of just about everyone being accessible. Write to the domme, comment on her blog, tell her you’re fascinated with her relationships and would like to know how they work. She’ll either answer your questions to the best of her ability, or tell you she’s sorry, but it’s not your business. But don’t put out these questions and speculations on a public blog. That’s kind of tacky.

This blog irked me for more than one reason, truthfully. I was piqued on behalf of the domme and the married couple, because they are my friends. But also, because so many of us have fallen prey to speculations about our lives and relationships. I know that some of this is unavoidable when you’re a “public figure” (said tongue in cheek) of sorts. But come on. It goes too far sometimes.

I’ve been the source of much speculation, myself, over the years. “What’s the deal with her and John? They’ve been dating all these years, but never lived together? He’s mostly a bottom, but he’s with a bottom? How does that work? Why does he come to the spanking parties with her, but not play? He sees dommes on his own, and she sees tops on her own? Why? What are they getting from each other? What exactly goes on between her and these tops she has in her home?”

I mentioned in my book that, back when I was playing with Danny, a friend once alerted me that the topic in the Shadow Lane chat room that evening was “are they or aren’t they fucking like bunnies.” Good grief.

And yes, I’ve been spanked by married men, and men with relationships. What drives me to do this? No big secret, folks. I like these men! I connect with them, they spank well, we meet each other’s kink needs in one way or another, they’re my friends. Yes, I have loved many of my play partners. I fully admit that I love ST. So what? Does that have to have a secret agenda? I love them; I am in love with John. Big difference. John is on a special and untouchable level, all by himself.

The speculations and gossip often go beyond who is screwing whom or how A is secretly in love with B, etc. When I first entered the scene, there was an iconic spanking model who had fairly dominated the 90s video scene, and she had once been a very public figure, going to parties and so forth. Then she went behind the scenes and started producing, but stopped appearing in front of the camera. At the same time, she dropped out of the party scene. Well, she was producing videos, so she was clearly still alive. But the stories! The one I heard was that she’d contracted some sort of horrible, disfiguring disease and she didn’t want people to see her like that. Funny… when she turned up again at the parties a few years later, she looked fine to me.

I know I’m all over the place with this entry, and I knew I would be. It’s a broad, tangential subject. Therefore, to wrap this all up:

1. Scene relationships are rich and complex, and allow for many more variations than vanilla. If it really floats your boat to speculate on someone else’s relationship, knock yourself out. But don’t publicize your thoughts, even if you phrase them in the manner of “I’m sure he/she’s not doing that….” You may think you know what you’re talking about, but unless you’re living these people’s lives, you really don’t.

2. If you have a question, try asking the source, if that’s possible. I can’t speak for others, but I’m quite open and I’m happy to answer questions people have for me. I’d rather they ask and get the proper answer, rather than coming up with their own.

3. When in doubt, try minding your own @#$%ing business. 🙂

Personal

That’s what tonight’s spanking was: personal. I will write about it, but I will not give the reason. This time, it’s between ST and me. But it was real. Something from my past that wasn’t one of my finer moments.

It was good timing. I was feeling raw and sad, craving emotional release. ST’s combination of compassion and firmness was just what I needed.

Before we even started, he told me to strip. It wasn’t about seeing me naked; he’s seen that before. It was about rendering me completely vulnerable. Perhaps another night, I would have playfully protested. Tonight, I was surprised, but I did what he told me.

He set up the camera to take one action shot:

But after that, he focused on the task in front of him and the camera remained off, until we were done.
I kept still and compliant, and said little, except to answer him when he asked a question. After a while, all I could do was nod. It took a while, but I could feel myself trembling on the brink of tears. All I needed was one more push, but I couldn’t quite go over. So, while my body struggled to absorb the pain, my mind conjured the image of my mother’s face this weekend. That did it. That’s enough to break anyone’s heart. I wept through the strapping and the final paddling. Sometimes, life is so damned unfair and makes me feel so utterly wretched. And when I’m feeling embarrassment and shame on top of that, all I want is to be spanked into oblivion.
Afterward, he comforted me. Stroked my hair while I cried into the bedspread. Told me I was beautiful. I came back down to earth with a lighter heart. Still the same damned problems and insecurities, but for a little while, they went away.
It is to ST’s credit that I feel comfortable enough to stay undressed long after the scene. Usually, I’d rather cover up/put my clothes back on as soon as it’s over. Exhibitionistic as I am in pictures, up close and personal is another story, and I am self-conscious fully naked with most people, although there are exceptions. John is one. ST is another.

We talked for a long time. Played a little more, after the mood lightened. Oh, and even though they hadn’t stayed on very long, I wore the itty-bitty short shorts that Kat bought for me in Atlantic City.
Yes, that reads “KISS MY.” These are a bit too small to wear publicly — they barely cover my butt cheeks. But to wear for a spanker? Perfect.
ST may get himself a girlfriend one of these days. I hope he does; he deserves to have one. But oh my god, I hope when he finds her, she will tolerate my existence. My special compartment in his life. Because I would take nothing away from her.
I won’t think about that now. For this moment, he is my dear and trusted top, and my friend. For tonight, my mind is quiet and I will sleep.

Thank you

I really appreciate everyone who commented to my Friday blog, self-indulgent post that it was. No one suggested that I was wallowing in self-pity, for which I am grateful. I was simply in a dark and sad place, and very tired. Probably some delayed party drop plus being sick, disappointment, dread over seeing my mother, stress over the situation with John’s mother, and so on and so forth. Feeling invisible on here kind of made the house of cards topple. So thank you for being nice to me.

Wrapping up the endless Dark Shadows whining: The movie was what it was. It doesn’t matter who likes it or who hates it. The reviews are mixed, but none of them are raves that I can see. A lot of what I didn’t like is also disliked by the reviewers. I was going to post a collection of snippets from some of the worst reviews, but really, what’s the point of that? It’s over. The movie is done, it’s out, it will do whatever it does and then fade away. The original will endure, as it has for the 41 years since it’s been off the air.

One good thing to come out of this — they are finally releasing House of Dark Shadows on DVD, sometime within the year. So, if any of you are curious and want to see a Dark Shadows movie — my suggestion: See this…

Not this…

ST saw both; what a good sport. I asked him, as an objective viewer, if he thought the second movie was any sort of homage to the series (from what he knew of it). His reply: “If I didn’t know differently, I wouldn’t have thought one had anything to do with the other.”

I think this will be the last Dark Shadows event I attend. This one made me feel old and foolish, waiting in line for so long to get perfunctory signatures from actors in their 60s and 70s, probably all thinking, “Christ, I’ll never get to live that damned old show down.” I did what I wanted to do most: I met my heart-throb, I got to see Jonathan Frid up close and personal, I got to see what these gatherings are about. But going again and again, year after year, attending ALL the annual festivals like the die-hards do? Nah. I’m done.

Moving on. We went to see my mom and stepdad yesterday, after struggling through two hours of horrendous traffic on three freeways. Normally, the drive takes about an hour and a quarter. This visit wasn’t a shock to the system like our last one; I knew what to expect this time. My mother was fairly unresponsive, although she sort of smiled at me once. But most she sat and stared, coughed, and would say a word or two and then fade back out. She has unexplained edema in her extremities, and one arm was grossly swollen. Her skin is like paper now, and the swelling made it break in several places.

I called to her several times, but she didn’t look at me. She’s in her own world now. I wonder what she knows, what she hears. Whether or not she knows me.

We had dinner with my stepdad; at least he seems to have forgiven me. John was very sweet and supportive, and I don’t know what I’d do without him there. He actually made me laugh a few times. When a server came to our table, offering a basket of freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies, John said, “I already have my cookie, right here,” and put his arms around me.

M opened up a bit about how tough things have been. At one point he looked at us, sighed, and said, “Don’t grow old. I don’t recommend it.”

Amen. I don’t, either.

There are other odds and ends of life that are on my mind as well, but honestly, I don’t want to go into them. Life is feeling a bit bleak right now, but this too shall pass. It always does. I felt the purest of joy just a couple of short weeks ago. I will again.

Back to the gym this week, too. No more excuses. BBW was a good excuse, as was the cold. But “I don’t feel like it” doesn’t cut it.

For tonight, I’m going to sleep. And I hope everyone who is (or has) a mother, had a good day today. If not… find something that will make you feel happy. I will endeavor to do the same.

Down

I wasn’t going to blog at all, but decided I needed to say something, just so I don’t seem like I’ve gone missing.

I was going to write about my evening at the Dark Shadows movie premiere party, but it turned out to be a night of just a few high points, much ado about nothing. The good: 1) ST came with me, 2) I got to give Kathryn Leigh Scott a rose and tell her how much we all appreciate her gracious attitude toward the fans, 3) I got to see House of Dark Shadows on a big screen, 4) I tweeted about being at the Vista and Kathryn retweeted me. Other than that? I stood in line for over an hour-and-a-half, waiting to get to the autograph tables and hopefully get some pictures. But by the time I got up there, they were running out of time and hustling us along like cattle. I got no pictures. The stars were, for the most part, clearly tired of signing things, wrote the bare minimum and pushed my book back to me without making eye contact. And last, but definitely not least, the new movie was awful. Beyond awful. So appallingly ridiculous, all flash and no substance, no resemblance to the show whatsover except for the name and the character names. I could go into more detail, but you know what? This is a spanking blog, not a Dark Shadows blog. You guys would be bored, and I don’t blame you. If I delve into the minutiae, you won’t know what I’m talking about anyway.

Suffice it to say that, upon walking out of the theater after midnight, as ST walked me to my car, I was somewhat shell-shocked, saying over and over, “Oh my God. That was stupid. That was so, so stupid.” And then, much to my chagrin and embarrassment, I started to cry.

I didn’t get to sleep until past 3:00, because I’d drunk so much Diet Coke. So today, I am tired and, now that the adrenaline has subsided, finally feeling the dregs of my cold.

Tomorrow we are going to see my mother. It is Mother’s Day on Sunday, after all. At least this time, I know what to expect. Still not looking forward to it, though.

This blog, of late, has diminished readership and way fewer comments. It also hasn’t been Chrossed for three weeks, even after a detailed and pictorial five-part blog about BBW. Perhaps I have become redundant.

So I think I’ll just back off for the weekend, and wish y’all a good one. Sorry to be such a drip.

"The Enigmatic Ms. E."

Those of you who read my book may recall my mentioning a couple John and I befriended early on in our relationship — A & C. C was a fetish photographer and worked for LFP (Larry Flynt Publications), and she and A went with us to BDSM and spanking parties. In 1999, before Erica Scott was born, C took some photos of me at a Shadow Lane party and then published them, anonymously, in the amateur section of Taboo magazine.

Guess what I found stashed away in a coffee table compartment, among a pile of old Consumer Reports and other dated odds and ends? Yup. That old copy of Taboo. And what do you know — I have a scanner now. 🙂

So check this out, from about 12 1/2 years ago:

Oh, don’t be so shocked. I had panties on. 🙂  By the way, that’s A doing the honors, not John. Tsk.

You can’t read the blurb unless you enlarge the photo, so here’s the verbiage: (remember, I did NOT write this!)

The enigmatic Ms. E., a 29-year-old resident of Encino, California, may be mysterious about her identity, but she’s perfectly candid about her desires. Submissive to her molten core, she likes “spanking, spanking and more spanking.” Bare-handed over-the-knee is her favorite, “because it’s more intimate.” But E. also enjoys a well-wielded wooden paddle, the zing of the leather strap and even the odd stroke of the cane. Our toast to E: Bottoms Up!

Makes me giggle, reading it now. Submissive to my molten core?? Enjoys a wooden paddle? (Not!) But I can overlook all that — they did, after all, call me a 29-year-old, and I was 42 at the time. 🙂

And mysterious about my identity? That didn’t last much longer, did it.

In other news, Lily Starr put a preview clip of “The Devil Wears a Red Bottom” on Spanking Tube. You can check it out here, if you’re so inclined.

Tomorrow is Dark Shadows day, and wouldn’t you know, I’ve come down with John’s cold. Argh. So far, it seems to be a mild one and I’m drowning myself in Airborne and soup and nasal spray. No gym for me today; I’m going to rest and do my best to shake this damn thing off. After all, I’ve shot spanking videos with a cold; I can certainly go to a movie premiere with one. The show must go on.

Hope everyone’s having a decent week so far.

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