Before I get into this, one important note. I will be referring to certain people and blogs, but I am not going to name names. Some of you will know who I’m talking about, others will not. Please don’t ask me for details. I’ve chosen this route to maintain at least a modicum of discretion.
A week or so ago, I stumbled across a post on a blog I’ve never read before; the title of the post attracted me, because it mentioned people I know. I went on to read what I considered a lot of passive-aggressive speculation and innuendo about the relationship between a professional domme and a married couple. She (the domme) and the wife co-top the husband. Sounds perfectly normal, perfectly healthy to me. But apparently to some, it’s up for questioning.
Granted, this blogger never accused the domme of anything; in fact, they complimented her and made a point of mentioning several things that they did NOT think she was doing. (“It seems pretty clear that she is not intent on destroying a marriage.”) What this person didn’t seem to realize (and I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here) is they’re planting seeds of speculation by the mere mention of what the person is NOT doing.
The blogger’s overall question was, what does a pro domme get out of “investing time and taking care of a married man.” What drives her? Is it the money? (Yes, they speculated on how much money she might be making from the deal, which was in bad taste.) They ended the blog by stating that they “seriously doubted” this domme’s motivation to develop such a closeness with a married man was linked to not being ready for her own relationship, or fear of too much closeness. Once again, just stating this, even in the form of denying it, sets up speculation.
I was really, really annoyed by this blog, on so many levels. The first thought that came to mind was, how is this any of the blogger’s @#$%ing business? But then I realized that wasn’t fair. We live in the age of the Internet, of reality TV, of tabloids. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. And if they don’t know it, they feel entitled to know it. So I moved on to the next point.
What drives this domme? Why does there have to be a drive? How about that she likes these people, she connects well with them and the three of them enjoy a mutually satisfying scene friendship/relationship? What a concept! Why does there always have to be a salacious undertone to scene relationships? What, a pro domme should only top single men, or single women? One connection has to lead to another? What narrow-minded nonsense.
I can understand a garden-variety vanilla person coming up with all sorts of ulterior motives, because they can’t comprehend the nature of what we do. But this blogger is one of us. They should understand, at least on some level.
And really, if they had these burning questions, why not address the source directly? Again, this is the age of just about everyone being accessible. Write to the domme, comment on her blog, tell her you’re fascinated with her relationships and would like to know how they work. She’ll either answer your questions to the best of her ability, or tell you she’s sorry, but it’s not your business. But don’t put out these questions and speculations on a public blog. That’s kind of tacky.
This blog irked me for more than one reason, truthfully. I was piqued on behalf of the domme and the married couple, because they are my friends. But also, because so many of us have fallen prey to speculations about our lives and relationships. I know that some of this is unavoidable when you’re a “public figure” (said tongue in cheek) of sorts. But come on. It goes too far sometimes.
I’ve been the source of much speculation, myself, over the years. “What’s the deal with her and John? They’ve been dating all these years, but never lived together? He’s mostly a bottom, but he’s with a bottom? How does that work? Why does he come to the spanking parties with her, but not play? He sees dommes on his own, and she sees tops on her own? Why? What are they getting from each other? What exactly goes on between her and these tops she has in her home?”
I mentioned in my book that, back when I was playing with Danny, a friend once alerted me that the topic in the Shadow Lane chat room that evening was “are they or aren’t they fucking like bunnies.” Good grief.
And yes, I’ve been spanked by married men, and men with relationships. What drives me to do this? No big secret, folks. I like these men! I connect with them, they spank well, we meet each other’s kink needs in one way or another, they’re my friends. Yes, I have loved many of my play partners. I fully admit that I love ST. So what? Does that have to have a secret agenda? I love them; I am in love with John. Big difference. John is on a special and untouchable level, all by himself.
The speculations and gossip often go beyond who is screwing whom or how A is secretly in love with B, etc. When I first entered the scene, there was an iconic spanking model who had fairly dominated the 90s video scene, and she had once been a very public figure, going to parties and so forth. Then she went behind the scenes and started producing, but stopped appearing in front of the camera. At the same time, she dropped out of the party scene. Well, she was producing videos, so she was clearly still alive. But the stories! The one I heard was that she’d contracted some sort of horrible, disfiguring disease and she didn’t want people to see her like that. Funny… when she turned up again at the parties a few years later, she looked fine to me.
I know I’m all over the place with this entry, and I knew I would be. It’s a broad, tangential subject. Therefore, to wrap this all up:
1. Scene relationships are rich and complex, and allow for many more variations than vanilla. If it really floats your boat to speculate on someone else’s relationship, knock yourself out. But don’t publicize your thoughts, even if you phrase them in the manner of “I’m sure he/she’s not doing that….” You may think you know what you’re talking about, but unless you’re living these people’s lives, you really don’t.
2. If you have a question, try asking the source, if that’s possible. I can’t speak for others, but I’m quite open and I’m happy to answer questions people have for me. I’d rather they ask and get the proper answer, rather than coming up with their own.
3. When in doubt, try minding your own @#$%ing business. 🙂