Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Can you stand one more 50 Sheds of Hay post?

Say yes. I believe you’ll enjoy this one.

Bonnie-jo sent me a link to Haire of the Dog, a column written by Chris Haire of the Charleston City Paper. In this particular post, Haire claims he doesn’t have time to read the “50 Shades” trilogy, so he sought an audiobook version. What he found was a brilliant recording someone created, of “Fifty Shades of Grey” being read by renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. (I seriously doubt the real Hawking would waste his time with this nonsense, but the imitation is spot-on.)

Mr. Hawking, who can’t speak due to ALS, communicates through a synthesizer. Mr. Haire includes an excerpt, an actual portion of the dreck-fest (it sounds like a dialogue spoof, but it’s the real thing), in all its raunchy splendor, read in this synthesized voice. Go, read and listen here. Once again, remove all foodstuffs and liquids from the vicinity.

I’m telling y’all, I’m thinking more and more that I need to write my own crapfest sex book. If that’s what’s selling, I can do better than E.L. Jerkoff — my experiences are for real! I could fictionalize the past nearly two years of Monday sessions with ST, for example. I could be the mature and outwardly prim heroine Annabel Blue, who has a secret life. And into this life comes our hero, Christopher Black, who rocks her world with kinky adventures.

What would I call it? Say it with me, kids. “Black and Blue,” by E.L. Scott.

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18 thoughts on “Can you stand one more 50 Sheds of Hay post?

  1. Well my computer AKA "Piece of shit" failed me and the audio would not play. Even though my paternal grandfather died of ALS, my macabre sense of humor can laugh uproariously at imagining "Stephen Hawking" reading us kids a story. :)YES. You should keep up with the story writing-fact and or fiction.

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  2. Kelly — Oh nooooo. Dammit! I'm sorry about your grandfather, and of course I mean no disrespect to Mr. Hawking. But this is beyond hilarious, hearing that electronic voice saying, "In. Out. That's it, baby. Oooh. He says my name as if it were a litany or a prayer."

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  3. "Black and blue" – I love it! Did you see the genius title Amy Hunter came up with for Adele Haze's excellent article on those books? (http://heresycorner.blogspot.com/2012/07/fifty-shades-of-grr.html – highly recommended). "Black and white and red all over". I laughed until my tummy hurt. Shame the blog owner decided not to use it :)To match your Stephen Hawking reading, here's the same thing done by the guy who voices of Duke Nukem:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oUa-3W0BFI

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  4. Pandora — ROFL! Thank you for the Duke Nukem link. I think that should be a trend: 50 Shades read in various character voices. Elmer Fudd comes to mind.And thank you for the link to Adele's article — just read it and commented on it. A must-read!

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  5. A lot of computers come with screen readers, so it would be possible to open the book and let the screen reader take over. It would have that Hawking style voice.I like the idea of a raunchy, sarcastic, witty spanking and sex book. I vote "yes" for Black & Blue.

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  6. Anonymous — the problem is, I'd have to dumb it down and riddle it with clichés. Apparently, that's what sells!

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  7. Hi Erica — That would be so COOL if you wrote another book :-)I would read it,I am all for it as well :-)I say go for it.I think you would out sell over E.L. Jerkoff hehehe LOL. I like your title too Black and Blue it sound's so you :-)Much Love and Hug's from your naughty girl Jade xoxo

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  8. Jade — I probably shouldn't call her that. But that book makes me mad!

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  9. I'd have enjoyed hearing this rotten book sung by Tiny Tim, accompanying himself on ukelele. Well, maybe for 1 or 2 minutes.

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  10. Tony — (shuddering) That is a truly frightening thought!

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  11. Ha, that is hilarious! Listening to it being read in funny voices is probably the only way I'd make it through a bit of that book. I would buy "Black and Blue."

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  12. Lea — I just read yet another scathing review of that book. I don't get it. If so many people hate it, WHY IS IT MAKING MILLIONS?? (sob)

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  13. Erica, I don't think you need to dumb it down. You just need to find a good agent. Once someone is working on commission they will pimp your book like they need rent money.

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  14. I did recommend to someone to read 50 shades on the Kindle with text-to-speech if they had it to get them out of sad mood.She said,she never laughed so much.I do use it sometimes in the car and I have to say its horrible.I did download 50 shades when it was free and then happily deleted it:)

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  15. Anonymous — finding a literary agent, from what I've heard, is about as challenging as writing the book itself.Margita — OK, I would listen to the book in that voice. It's so ridiculously funny.

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  16. LOL…I am new to your blog (found it through Lea's lovely blog nomination list), and I see why she likes your site so much. I think you should write that book. 😀 Oh, and by the way…There actually is a book titled Black and Blue, by Anna Quindlen:http://www.amazon.com/Black-Blue-Novel-Anna-Quindlen/dp/0812980492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342796186&sr=8-1&keywords=black+and+blue

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  17. You worked to hard on your book. Better to have a glass of wine, write drek and get rich.

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  18. Ana — welcome! 🙂 I actually knew that, because I have that book, and it's excellent. I love Anna Quindlen. Fortunately, one can have more than one book, one movie, etc., with the same name.Craig — yeah, damn me and my conscientious editing!

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