Obviously, this isn’t my usual Monday night blog. Mr. D had to postpone; the poor thing did something or another that his back didn’t like and it was spasming on him. I know back pain well, so he has my sympathies. He assured me he’ll be back in fine form next week.
Damn, I’m good. I mean, I’ve bruised and blistered several tops’ hands, and even made a couple of them bleed. But I’ve never made a top throw his back out just thinking about playing with me. 😀
(John insisted I post the above paragraph. It’s all his fault. So, Mr. D, just pretend you didn’t read that part, k? Thanks much.)
Anyway, I thought tonight might be a good time for one of my “uncommon sense” columns. You know, where we talk about things that should be common sense, but apparently aren’t. Tonight’s installment is about tops who let their fingers wander where they weren’t invited. I read about this all the time on FetLife and elsewhere, and really, I wonder what some people are thinking. Oh, wait. They aren’t.
I can hear some of you out there. “But wait, Erica! If you don’t approve of such activity, then what about this?”
Hey, that was a professional photo; that didn’t count. 🙂 But I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with the touchy-feely stuff. What I object to is the assumption that it’s OK, that it’s welcome, simply because a woman bares her bottom to you for a spanking. NOT.
Sure, a lot of people like their spanking and sex/touching/etc. together. That is their choice, their prerogative. I’m not talking about couples here. I’m talking about parties, about the more casual type of spanking, when you’re not playing with a significant other. If a bottom likes the touching, then more power to her. But a top should not assume that when a woman is over his lap or bent over in front of him, if it’s for a spanking, that it’s OK to do anything else. Wouldn’t you think that’s common sense? Not so common, from the stories I hear.
I have three examples of tops who were far too presumptuous. I’ve talked about them before, but they bear repeating for this topic.
1. New top came over (we’d done the coffee meeting), and we started to play. About one minute into the scene, he’d already pulled down my panties, yanked my cheeks apart and made a comment about the “big pink winking eye.” WTF??? I got up and told him the scene was over.
2. I did a scene with a new guy at the Shadow Lane party on Friday night. I was OTK on a bed in a room full of people, and he suddenly shoved my legs apart. Startled, I firmly slammed them back shut. I figured that would be the end of it, but he grabbed them and pushed them open again, and this time he reached in for a feel. Screw subtlety; I loudly snapped, “Don’t DO that!” He muttered, “I can’t help it… you’re just so fuckin’ hot.” Yeah, well. Thanks, but I won’t be playing with you again.
3. Met a guy for coffee; we got along, have a nice chat. He lived nearby, so we went to his house to play. I was bent over the couch arm and he was strapping me, then he paused. “Be right back,” he said, leaving the room. Came back in, and then next thing I felt was his fingers in the last place where I wanted to feel his fingers. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Just a little lube,” he answered. I jerked my head around, and saw he’s got lube in one hand and a butt plug in the other!! “NO!!!!” I hollered, jerking away from him.
He stood there, blinking in confusion. “Wait… is that a real ‘no’?”
You bet your ass it’s a real no! Jeeeezus! Presumptuous, much?
Please don’t get me wrong. I know lots of spankos are anal-erotic and enjoy back door play. That’s fine and dandy. But for God’s sake, when you’re playing with someone for the first time and it’s a spanking scene, would you assume it’s OK to shove a butt plug in her without checking with her first? Apparently, this guy didn’t think it was necessary.
But what if you’re playing, the scene is going great, and your spankee is noticeably wet? Sorry, dude. That’s a physiological reaction a lot of us bottoms have. It’s still not an open invitation to let your fingers do the walking. If a “no genital touching” limit is in place, then no is still no.
In the past, in the middle of private party scenes, I’ve had playmates ask, very politely, if they could touch me. Yup, I’ve OK’d it a few times, caught up in the moment, feeling the chemistry and wanting it. (And I always tell John afterward, whose standard reaction is to shake his head and sigh, “You slut.”) But if they hadn’t asked, just went right for the feel, I wouldn’t have appreciated it.
Incidentally, I’m going with the M/F orientation because that’s the one I know, but I’m curious: Have any male or female bottoms ever had trouble with over-assuming female tops?
Anyway, here’s the deal. Going OTK at a play party is not, not, NOT implied consent for tops to dip their fingers in the cake. Is that really so hard to comprehend? Why is this an issue to begin with? We engage in a fetish activity that involves a degree of nudity and physical closeness, but smacking a bottom can be accomplished quite thoroughly without wandering into other territory. That kind of activity is secondary.
So have some (un)common sense. If you have free reign, [ooops! That should be rein. And I even thought about that and chose reign deliberately. Some proofreader!] great. If you don’t, don’t assume you have it, because it’s not a given. Period. When a woman says yes, she’s saying yes to a spanking. Whether or not she’ll say yes to “Can I put something up your butt” or “May I touch your hoohah” is yet to be determined.