The Electoral College Spanking
Yes, it’s the night before the @#$%ing election. And I’m so sick of it all, I could explode into a million tiny pieces. Mr. D picked up on my tension this afternoon and couldn’t resist razzing me about it.
In his effort to be bipartisan, he suggested I get a spanking of 269 swats — per cheek! “How the hell do you arrive at that number?” I blurted.
“Simple,” he explained. “A candidate needs 270 points in the electoral college to win. We’ll make it a tie — they’ll each get 269 points.” Oh, whatever. And of course, I had to count all of them.
The first 250 with his hand were quite manageable. I even threw in some half-numbers when his smacks were lighter. “Wow, you can count high! You’re so smart!” he teased. To which I answered with two words. And they weren’t “Hello Kitty.”
“You know I’m doing this because I care about you, don’t you?”
“Right,” I sneered. “Tell me another tired cliché, like ‘this is for your own good.'”
“No,” he said. “That wasn’t. But this is.” And he gave me such a hard smack, I think stars shot out of my right sweet spot.
However, once we moved venues and he started up with implements, it became a lot more challenging. Especially when he started giving me super-fast flurries and I could barely keep up the count. At one point, around number 365, he did them so fast, my tongue tripped all over itself and I lost the count. “Oh, dear,” he said. “Do we need to start all over?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” I moaned. He took pity on me and decided to impose a small penalty instead: we dropped back to 340, so I got an extra 25.
“No, please, no extras!”
Yeah, that swayed him. Not. “I love election day!” he announced cheerfully. Oh, nuts to you.
By the time we got past 500, my voice was barely a whisper. I was willing myself to get through. He was mixing it up with his hand, two paddles and a crop and I never knew what was going to hit next. It was really hard to keep the count at the end, but I did it. (All that practice at Spanking Court paid off!)
No tears this time, but I was spaced out. It was a long time before I could do anything besides moan and mewl and mumble. Just exactly as it should be. Blessed subspace. The world simply stops and goes away for a while.
We decided to go to Jerry’s Deli again, which was a lot of fun. I had mushroom barley soup this time (soooo good!) and he had a cheeseburger. We told each other old work horror stories and stuffed ourselves.
Back home, he gave me an evil look and said, “Round Two?” Of course. You know me. I’m greedy. I’m insatiable.
However, I do believe I was sated tonight. Can you tell by the look on my face?
Yeah. Stick a fork in me; I’m done. 🙂
I think I can get through tomorrow now. In fact, I do believe I’m going to unplug in the afternoon. Shut down the computer, and watch nothing but DVDs, MeTV or AntennaTV for the rest of the night. I’ve already voted, I’ve done my part, it’s out of my hands. So you know what all the politicos and the pundits and pollsters and everyone else need to do?
That’s right. Here’s to Wednesday morning, when all this BS is over. And here’s to a wonderful top who is helping to stay sane through it. Thank you, Mr. D. Sweet dreams. 🙂