Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Ruminations on kinky relativity

I did end up getting some work for this week, so yay, me. Last week, I proofread a manuscript of fetish erotica, and this week, the same author sent me an accompanying novella. Reading the scenarios of said files, plus perusal of FetLife stories and photos, and blogs of friends, has gotten me thinking about my own kinkiness.

I realize I’ve done pretty much everything with the spanking fetish that one can possibly do. Reading, writing, performing, participating, fulfilling fantasies and dreams, and continuing to do so. However, it seems to me that, aside from this one ginormous kink, I am primarily…

…wait for it…

gasp

Vanilla.

I’m not saying that as a put-down to myself (even though that word carries a negative weight in the kink scenes); it’s merely an acknowledgment. I guess it’s never been brought to my attention quite as directly as it was when I proofread that manuscript. It had M/F spanking and sex, but it was also chock-full of F/F sex and spanking, F/M spanking, nipple torture, genital whipping, bondage, anal penetration, you name it. Something for everyone. And it fascinated me as I observed my own reactions to what I was reading. The M/F spanking and sex made me smile and squirm with familiarity and pleasure. The rest? Nothing. In fact, some sections made me groan and think, “Oh, no.” But then my professional side would take over and I’d read it, correct the errors, and suggest edits.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only spanko female in existence who isn’t in the least bit bisexual, bi-curious, or into any sort of spanking play, even non-sexual, with other women. It simply doesn’t compute. A good friend teasingly refers to me as the most “relentlessly heterosexual woman” she knows. The thought of a woman spanking me makes me cringe. And, although I adore my gal pals and feel great affection for them, I don’t want to get kissy and touchy-feely with them. I am not Katy Perry; I have never kissed a girl, nor have I had any sort of sexual exchange with a girl, not even touching. And the lack of curiosity or desire on my part sometimes seems like a square peg in the roundness and softness of F/F exploration and play.

In other words, vanilla.

Sometimes, I also feel like the only spanko in existence who isn’t at least somewhat anal erotic. Granted, I know others before me have declared that orifice to be “exit only,” so I guess I’m not the only one who doesn’t want plugs and strap-ons and other hard objects going in there. However, I don’t even find the surrounding area in the least bit sexy or arousing. I want it left alone and ignored. I don’t want my cheeks pulled apart, I don’t want even the gentlest of fingers slipping into the cleft.

As with everything, I was a late bloomer with rimming; I didn’t experience it until I was in my late 30s. And the first time it happened, it was completely unexpected; the man just went there, and my first reaction was complete shock. What the hell is he DOING? And the reaction after that was not of pleasure, but of mortification. I observe good hygiene, but all I could think was oh my god, am I clean? I experienced it a few more times after that, but never enjoyed it. I couldn’t understand the desire; it didn’t resonate in my sexual brain. Just a couple of inches away was a warm, wet, welcoming opening; what did he want to go there for? I know the anal aficionados will nay-say this, but I don’t think that area is very attractive. So once again, I feel a bit out of step with many other spankos.

In other words, vanilla.

Spankos I know often tend to enjoy other kinks, other types of pain. Various methods of impact and torture have been inflicted upon breasts, genitals, backs and fronts of thighs, and feet, as well as bottoms. I see some of the bruises and welts and cuts on FetLife pictures and I shudder, all the while feeling bad because I know I’m not supposed to judge. People like what they like and they are entitled to engage in it if it’s consensual. But I can’t help my own reactions. The one and only time someone struck my feet, I was so angry, I wanted to kick backward and drive his nose out the back of his skull. If strikes from an implement during spanking wander too high, too low or in between, I am jerked out of scene space in less than a heartbeat’s time. I’m terrified of blood and broken skin. Recently, the lovely Beth posted about an interrogation scene in which she was slapped in the face. Yes, I knew that was consensual. Yes, I know she likes all kinds of pain. But still, I felt a flash of anger. I commented to her that, although I respected her desire for that type of scene, I still couldn’t help the visceral urge to confront the man who had slapped her sweet face and castrate him with a butter knife. Fortunately, she took it in the spirit it was meant and didn’t chide me for it. ๐Ÿ™‚

OK, so I like some bondage and restraint. I like the exhibitionism, the roleplay of the bad girl, the grabbing of hair. I prefer poly play over monogamy. But overall, I dislike way more variations of kink than I like.

In other words, when it comes to kink flavors, I am more vanilla with a bit of chocolate swirl, or perhaps a few sprinkles, than I am 31 Flavors.



People talk about sex a whole lot on FetLife. And of course, as with the spanking topics, the same sexual topics come up over and over, including favorite sex positions. To read some of these threads, it sounds like kinky folks are the freaking Cirque Du Soleil of sexual acrobatics. Up against walls, suspended, reverse cowgirl, wheelbarrows, you name it. If the body is capable of contorting in any fashion, it’s been done.

So what’s my favorite sexual position?

Yup. Missionary.

Yes, I’ve tried a lot of other positions. Some were interesting, some were fun. Most were uncomfortable. Why do I love missionary? Because I love intimacy. I love being able to look into the man’s eyes, wrap my arms and legs around him, feel our bodies merge. I love feeling his weight on me. I don’t like being on top; I don’t want the control. I know some other positions may be considered a lot hotter and more exciting, but I’m old school. I love closeness and intimacy with my sex. If I just wanted to get off, I have a BOB for that.

So yeah, not a whole lot of sexual position variety there. In other words, vanilla.

But, despite my feeling comparatively conservative in the face of so many kinks, I have to look at the flip side, at the relativity. To those who have never wandered into any sort of kink, my proclivities and adventures are downright twisted and risquรฉ. Go figure.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this ramble. If I were younger and newer to the scene, my thoughts would probably be along the lines of “I need to experiment and find other things I like.” But I’ve been there and done that. Once again, it’s time for self-acceptance. I am not a multi-tasker. I’ve never been one with myriad interests. But the interests I do have, I give 110%.

OK, so I’ll never be able to write a really compelling book about fetish erotica, because it would be far too focused on one thing. But perhaps that one thing, and that one thing alone, appeals to a lot of people more than I think. 

Anyone out there want to chime in on this? How kinky do you think you are; do your interests satisfy you, or do you want to experiment with more? Do you ever wonder why what appeals to you doesn’t to others, and vice versa? Do you ever wonder what’s the difference between narrow-minded and simply particular?


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33 thoughts on “Ruminations on kinky relativity

  1. I don't think sexual orientation has anything to do with kink. There are plenty of gay and bisexual people who don't have any fetishes. We are all unique, some of us have more kinks than others, but I don't see someone as into spanking as you are as at all vanilla. Me? Spanking is my only true fetish, but generally many things D/s related have the potential to excite me and experimenting is fun, for me. I have limits though, like needles and cutting, I would never do those things but I don't think that makes me vanilla.

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  2. Also, I don't think poly is a kink, either, it's an orientation like sexual orientation. Some poly people are vanilla and some kinky people, like me, at least sexually, are monogamous.

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  3. Lily — you're right; sexual orientation and kink are two different things. Still, I can't help but notice how many women into spanking are also, at the very least, open to some sort of F/F activity. John often uses the term "vanilla kink," which in itself is an oxymoron. But I kinda get what he means: some kinks are considered, well, kinkier. For example, a desire for a spanking is better understood and related to than, say, the desire for a hot poker to the genitalia. (yeah, I'm exaggerating, but you get my drift) ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. Lol, true, well I'd say some kinks are more socially acceptable or less shocking. But that depends who you ask, to some vanillas spanking, the way we do it, is still pretty shocking.As for F/F, many kinky women are bi, but I wonder if there are more than we might realize who are not but are just more quiet about it? Many vanilla people are also bi, though. Katy Perry's song was popular for a reason. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  5. Lily — which leads to my next question: Does "vanilla" also define sexual orientation? I was under the assumption that "vanilla sex" is your straightforward Biblical, male to female, conservative missionary-type stuff, and that all other orientations fell outside of the term.

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  6. It does come down to definitions. My understanding was that vanilla meant people who had no kinks or fetishes and that the term did not relate to sexual orientation or poly/mono orientation. By that definition though, then yes, I guess anything besides M/F missionary sex would not be vanilla.

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  7. I remember people on SSS back in the day who didn't even like the idea of leaving marks during a spanking, so there are all types when it comes to kink. Before I got online I never would've thought about being spanked by a woman. I'm heterosexual, so even when I did consider being spanked by a woman, there was never a sexual side to it. Until I was spanked at a party by a woman who was a professional Domme. It was just for fun, and she used all of her implements on me. She made me absolutely the horniest I've ever been in my life, to the point where I damn near jumped her right there. If there hadn't been a guy in the room I probably would've. It surprised me, but didn't freak me out that I'd had that reaction. So yeah, I'm heterosexual, but more like 95% instead of 100% these days. LOL

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  8. Damn you bloggers are making me THINK this week! :)I'd have to honestly say when it comes to BDSM activities, I have ZERO interest in any activities that are not directly linked to something striking my butt cheeks-I'm open to hand spankings and just about any other implement accessible but no where else but my butt and the first few inches down the backs of my thighs.As for spanking partners, I've really thought a long time about this. I prefer women instead of men topping me because I get the best of all worlds. I like attractive play partners with NO sexpectations. With women I'm getting my needs met and have no worries my tops are going to try to "hit" on me. As of late I hate to say it but I've been really creeped out by the men I've been encountering in daily life. Most are MUCH older than me and I feel like they're gawking at a prize. This happens at the gym, on the bus and in bars. I honestly would be more willing to be topped by men closer to my age than by ones old enough to be my father. For my own personal reasons that makes me feel gross.

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  9. Interesting post, Erica! Honest and thought-provoking and interesting.Of your questions, the last two are the easiest to answer. "Do you ever wonder why what appeals to you doesn't to others, and vice versa?" Sexuality and/or kink is, as others have said, an individual matter, subtly unique to each of us. Just like our taste in food, or music, or any other thing. (I mention these other things as I think that sex/kink tends to be thought of in a different way to them; it often seems to be thought of as something we consciously decide upon. Was it a conscious decision of mine to enjoy the taste of strawberries? No. The same is true of my having the kinks I do).Humans are amazing things; beautiful, complex machines, and so it should be no surprise that each of us is comprised of countless influences, be they genetic, chemical, social, experiential, whatever. We of course also have conscious minds – free will – but this cohabits and constantly interacts with the unconscious, uncontrolled parts of ourselves."Do you ever wonder what's the difference between narrow-minded and simply particular?" Being particular means trying things (or simply giving them some thought; thinking about whether they might be right for you), and not liking them. In other words, making an informed, considered decision. Being narrow-minded means not even entertaining the idea of trying something. Narrow-minded people dismiss things out of hand.

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  10. I wonder why it seems that F/F has sexual context to some. I see a domme and it is totally non-sexual in nature. At first I thought I would want to be spanked only by a man, but that changed when, at the time, I had one option and that was to be spanked by a woman. No problem here with that now and lately there have been a couple of local parties where I have been spanked by a man. For me, it is how the spanking is delivered, not so much whether it is a man or woman. Besides that, my top is rather maternal and gives great aftercare and that it more therapeutic than anything. Heck, I need the nurturing. Now it is a lot for me to admit that, but it is true. I didn't think I needed it, but I certainly learned otherwise.As for other things in the kink world, most of what I have seen gives me the creeps. Just my gut reaction to things like cutting, needle play, very deep marks, anal play, breast torture, cock and ball torture, etc. I have seen some pretty severe stuff and it really bothers me. I know the people who are into that stuff want it and it is consensual. Fine. It just isn't for me. I think one that really get to me is asphyxiation play for sexual stimulation. It is very dangerous and it killed David Carridine. That was a sad, accidental situation.So, I am strictly a spanko. No BDSM stuff. No sex. Does it arouse me? Sometimes. Of course, as soon as the spanking starts, it goes away. I am not sexually hot after, either. It may be hard for some to accept that I don't get horny all the time, but it is true. I just isn't there 99.5% of the time. For me, it just plain feels good, to a point, and the therapeutic value is tremendous.

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  11. Great questions, Erica.I agree with a lot of your observations. I am very much into my specific kinks. My first and best interests are spanking and hetero sex with my husband. Several variations flow from that, but they are always somehow connected.I love women and I find them beautiful, but I have no desire for a female sexual or spanking partner. No poly for me either, thank you. The guy I have will do fine.Light bondage is OK. Hitting anywhere other than my bottom (or occasionally the tops of my thighs) is not OK. I'm game for the sexual Olympics though there are some positions I just can't physically endure.So I guess I'm a bowl of vanilla with a whole bunch of chocolate sauce. :)Hugs,Bonnie

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  12. I understand where you are coming from. Though I am male, it's not terribly different on this side of the gender coin. For me it comes down to the person I am with, in as much as partner preference. If I can't make the connection, then the play doesn't interest me, no matter how hot/whatever my partner is.I think it's great that you have experimented and discovered your likes and dislikes. But I don't think that would make you "vanilla". At least you have had thoughts regarding trying new things, you've tried them, and you found what you like, and what you don't. That makes you an explorer, an adventurer, anything but boring. :)As a personal aside, I find calling the "normal" people "vanilla" to be a bit odd. If you think about it, the majority of people who are "vanilla" are really normal, because they are the norm of the overall population. And besides, if we want to not be treated as deviants, shouldn't we be accepting of those who aren't like us? (and NONE of that was directed at you Erica)

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  13. Hi Erica – Interesting post :-)I agree with Bobbie Jo,I like F/F spanking,I enjoy getting spanked OTK by a woman cause it's maternal for me as well and i need the nurturing :-)As for BDSM it is NOT my thing,blood and deep bruising and torn flesh is gross and it scare's me ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I am strictly a Spanko and a true bottom.I only allow the Spanker to spank me on my bum only,to me that's the way it should be. I don't mind getting spanked by a guy only if i can trust him,but i would much rather get spanked by a woman.I don't think of myself as a totally Vanilla person,maybe some vanilla with some chocolate chip's on top.Much Love and hug's from naughty girl Jade

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  14. Jen — interesting experience and reaction! See, I wouldn't even venture to try that. I just don't want to. So good for you!Kelly — girl, you're meeting the wrong guys! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I don't want to be spanked by men old enough to be my father, either. (At my age, those men would be using canes for walking, not striking.) Penelope — great answers! It never ceases to fascinate me, how different we all are within the same basic realm(s). Sometimes I think it's a miracle that we are able to find compatible mates, what with all our differences. Every time I lose a spanking partner, I think, "I'll NEVER find another one, not with all my restrictions and preferences and blah blah blah." But then I do.Bobbie Jo — you're certainly not the only one for whom spanking isn't sexual, but purely therapeutic. When that's the case, it's true that the sex of the spanker shouldn't matter. For me, the lines blur. I don't care for sex with my spanking, but it's sexual to me nonetheless and arouses me along with giving me stress release and catharsis. So I have to be attracted to my top. Different strokes, as they say.I knew someone who died from auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong. Played with him once. Really nice guy, who left behind a wife and two small children. Tragic.Bonnie — I guess we have more in common than I thought! :-DAnonymous — thank you. Sometimes I do feel like I'm neither here nor there — too kinky for vanilla, and yet too restricted in kink to fully satisfy the kinky folks! But we are who are are. And you're right; disparaging the non-kinky isn't really a good idea. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, because we assume they'll automatically judge us?

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  15. Jade — you're in luck, because there are tons of great female tops! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  16. Erica,Many of my female spanko friends only want a male to spank them and limit play to just spanking. They do not like bondage or any other kinky play. And, they think of themselves as vanilla with a chocolate swirl.And, some of my BDSM friends do not like spanking. For them, it is too painful and humiliating. And, a caning, no interest in that at all. Every kinkster is different. I am amazed by the variety of kinky activities. Some, I understand and some are beyond my comfort zone, but I think it is important to be respectful of each person's choice. Many of my female friends are bi, but I have lots of kinky female friends who are strictly heterosexual. Labels are not that important anyway, we should just enjoy what turns us on.Hug,joey

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  17. joey — yeah, labels kinda suck. But they exist, and sometimes, I get caught up in analyzing them. I still struggle with wanting to understand everything, even though I've known for a long time there will always be many things I don't understand at all.You are a good, calm voice of reason. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  18. I often feel that folks like you and I are in the minority. We like spanking and have no desire to "expand our interests". A woman once told me, in a chiding way, that I would grow to like things other than spanking. I have not. I still enjoy the same things I did at 20.I did a post about this last week. I should have sent it to you for editing first. http://ourbottomsburn.blogspot.com/2013/01/its-more-than-spanking.htmlWe tried all sorts of sexual positions when we were young and limber. But, we like the missionary position. It's Bacall's fav.

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  19. I too have no desire to explore beyond my own specific kink. Only spanking turns me on. I like mild bondage and being restrained, but without the impact on my bottom, it is ho-hum. No slapping or hitting anywhere but my bottom, though.I'm not interested in being poly, and have no desire to e spanked by a woman either. My favourite position is being on top, so I can control my own sensations. So maybe I'm vanilla with chocolate morsels.Hugs,Hermione

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  20. As someone who is very kink specific and whose partner is vanilla, it still can catch me off guard when he sometimes feels compelled to say he is not comfortable with specific activities, none of which I have any desire to participate in either. To him, at least originally, if you liked one kink you like them all. He still has some difficulty in distinguishing between them and to some extent that is my fault for not being specific enough. I think those "in the know" so to speak, can have the exact opposite effect, being able to differentiate so well that we are unable to fit any particular kind of mold. Being restrained makes me panic, I only like getting my bum spanked and I am not one for the party atmosphere, though if I ever did go to one I'm not sure of the likeliness of me playing. It can be very frustrating when you are expected to be able to say one or two words and everyone should know what you are talking about but, as has been said by many bloggers and those who participate in "the scene," communication is key and I think most of it is because there is so much variety out there.Felicia

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  21. OBB — that was an excellent post, one that covered a lot of ground. Oh, and you've gotten the condescending "You'll change your mind and learn to like other things," too?It's not to say that our tastes and kinks can't change, progress further, whatever. They often do, mine included. But it shouldn't be dismissed out of hand when someone is more of a single-fetish purist.Hermione — I like to lie on top of my man afterward. But during the action, I suppose without even planning it that way, I take the submissive position! (GAAAAAAAAAAAAH) :-)Felicia — welcome! Communication is indeed key. It's incumbent upon bottoms, in particular, to clarify their limits and preferences, because tops aren't mind readers and there are so many different ways to go.Kink is a smorgasbord. Some like to take a little taste of everything, or most things. Others take a big helping of a few favorites and leave the rest for others.

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  22. Apologies because I didn't make it through all the comments, but just had to say…Wait– one of your "jobs" is to edit erotica?! That's awesome! And I bet you can help! Some great ideas in need of a good editor out there. Anyone that can write this line:"And the lack of curiosity or desire on my part sometimes seems like a square peg in the roundness and softness of F/F exploration and play." can certainly contribute. Maybe I'm a word nerd, but the tension of expecting some innuendo revolving around the word "hole" followed by the surprisingly satisfying description of F/F play was masterful.

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  23. SS — truth be told, I have done very little proofreading in the spanking/BDSM book world, but I have always wanted to break into it with some of the more prolific authors. Trouble is, I think a lot of them do their own editing (as evidenced by "Fifty Piles of Dreck," for example).I just reread what you quoted. Well, damn — that WAS a pretty awesome line, wasn't it. ๐Ÿ˜€ But seriously, thank you. (And thanks, Dad.)

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  24. Erica, when you call yourself 'vanilla', I would call it 'normal'. You just have s sexual erotic desire to be spanked, which turns you on for a 'normal sexual desire' to get 'laid' by your boyfriend. XXX Luv ya.

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  25. Six — I am many things. Normal is not one of them! ;-D

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  26. HiFirst off Vanilla is beautiful and so lovely and satisfying!!!!! I love this vamilla post, makes me feel good about myself. As for love making while I may argue slightly, your description of making love was pulsating to say the least, wow just beautiful. While I have dabbled a tad in some of these, I am really true vanilla. Long fun otk spankings over a panty and bare bottom is pure and wonderful. Lovely posta and again made me feel good about myself and my true play interests. AlwaysRon

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  27. Ron — thanks. I'm glad it resonated. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  28. Erica, in this big wide world of ours, you would be considered 'normal'. Just like Bonnie, and Hermione, and I might add 'Six of the Best'. etc.

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  29. Well you are certainly not the only spanko who isn't anal erotic. That's a big NO on my list. I'll try most things once but sometimes that's all you need. The good thing is that you are very sure about what you DO like and you have people to engage in that with. Since there's no spanko scene to speak of where I live, I attend BDSM parties and events if I want to go to anything at all. I have tried a bit more than I would've expected a few years ago, but nothing has that pull for me like spanking does.

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  30. Lea — and yet another thing we have in common! LOL

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  31. Your post resonates well with us.Most of the time, we do vanilla sex โ€” and yeah, either in missionary position, either in the reverse position (woman on top, her chest on mine for maximal intimacy). We do like doggy style from time to time, for variety, but we find it neither as comfortable neither as pleasurable as those two positions.We have specific kinks, and we do not appreciate most BDSM stuff we read or see. We don't like it when it's too violent (leaving scars, marks, welts, etc.) so caning is too much. We try not to be judgmental, but the black leather/latex outfits feel clichรฉ and even ridiculous to us. We are not into bondage (except a little symbolic tying from time to time).Regarding anal, we're pretty much into it, but we do not practice full anal intercourse (penis or dildo) that frequently, even though we appreciate its very submissive character. We don't do rimming.

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  32. Pecan — relativity once again. I like some marks. But sometimes I see photos on FetLife of deep, dark bruising all over the place and shudder, especially when I see the comments saying how beautiful that is. Different strokes, for sure!

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