Mother’s Day thoughts
Another Mother’s Day is upon us, this weekend.
Hard to believe these feet ever fit into those little shoes, huh? Yes, those were mine. My mother had them bronzed. Do people still do that — bronze their kids’ shoes? I don’t hear about it anymore.
I suppose that, technically, this is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. Can’t believe it’s been almost a year since she passed away last June. But you all know that I lost her a long time before that.
They say the worst thing that can happen to a parent is outliving their child. I don’t think my mother ever fully got over the death of my brother. Sometimes I wonder; would she have been as critical of me, so desperate for me to live up to her hopes and expectations, if Ken had lived? Or would she have simply imposed the same expectations on both of us? I’ll never know. My mother had a hunger that perhaps no one could fully satisfy.
After Ken died, on Mother’s Day, Mom started giving me presents. When I asked her why, she answered, “Because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be a mother.” That made me so uncomfortable. I was glad when she stopped doing that.
I had mentioned on here a couple of years ago that, in a moment of truth, my stepfather said to me, “I really can’t blame you for not wanting to be involved with your mom’s issues now. She wasn’t much of a mother to you to begin with.” But after she passed, the typical canonizing of the deceased commenced, and he back-pedaled. Recently he said, “You took her far too seriously. She didn’t mean any of the things she said.” (sigh)
When my dad died, I had closure. I had a sense of resolution, and I was at peace with him and he with me. But with my mother, I guess I will always feel a sense of conflict and confusion, never knowing where I stood. I know she loved me. But I know she wanted a lot more from me, in so many ways.
Anyway… I sent an e-card to my stepmother (the nice one). It will be delivered to her on Sunday. Simple and sweet; a mother duck in a pond with her babies. I signed it with “Much love from your step-duckling.” 🙂
I wonder if she has any idea of how much I wish she were my mother. If she can sense the rush of pride and joy I feel when I wear the necklace she gave me. Beautiful S. She just turned 82; I hope she sticks around for a while.
All the knots and tension and irritability of this week are dissolving into tears. I guess that’s a good thing. Just in time to go to John. And on Monday, I get to see Mr. D. He is feeling better and is ready to make up for a lost week. I’m certainly ready too.
Have a great weekend, y’all.