Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

A play partnership is not some generic thing

Last Friday, Alex wrote what I considered a brilliant post about compatibility with spanking partners. She likened our special type of relationship to puzzle pieces (with visual aids, even!) and made the point that you can’t just cram any piece to fit with another. Well, you can, I guess, if you insist, and they may interlock somewhat, but not well enough to say that they really fit properly and comfortably.

In other words, it’s not all that easy finding a compatible spanking partner. (Go read Alex’s blog; I’ll wait.)

I would like to build upon her metaphor — if finding the right partner is as complex as finding a correct puzzle-piece fit among hundreds of others, wouldn’t it stand to reason that said partner would not be easily replaceable? Or interchangeable?

Perhaps some spankos aren’t as picky as I am. More power to them; they have more choices! But it’s not easy for me to find a man I can really feel close to, can trust thoroughly, can submit to. (Yes, I said the S word.) Who gets me, whose play desires run along the same lines as mine, who respects John’s presence in my life…so many factors. So when I do, it really ticks me off when people suggest that someone else could take easily take over for him when he’s not available. 

Because Alex already covered the puzzle metaphor beautifully, I’m going in another direction. Something that everyone can certainly relate to: chocolate.

Who doesn’t love brownies, right? They’re delicious. But they come in so many different varieties; no two from two different sources are quite alike. And everyone has their preferences.

Me? My ideal brownie is as follows: Moist and fudge-y, but not super gooey like fudge. Very chocolate-y, not cloyingly sweet, but not bittersweet, either. Walnuts or pecans are a must, in just the right measure, and mixed into the batter, not just sprinkled on the top. No frosting. And should there happen to be chocolate chips thrown in there, I’m in Brownie Nirvana.

Now say I find this perfect brownie at XYZ Bakery. Always fresh, always good, always satisfying. So I make regular trips to XYZ Bakery to feed my craving.

One day, I go to XYZ and they tell me that they’re out of brownies, and are not sure when they’ll have more. Granted, it’s not a necessity like food, water and air, but it’s something I love. And I’m going to be quite put off if I tell my friends about how I’m missing my XYZ brownies and they say things like, “What’s the big deal? Just go to the QRS Bakery,” or “Go buy some at the market.” Or, even worse, “Bake some yourself.” No. That’s too much work and nowhere near as satisfying. (Yes, that comparison with self-spanking is intentional.)

OK, I know this is silly. Human relationships are far more complex and rich than a beloved dessert. So why would people minimize them by suggesting substitutes?

I have had people say to me, “I would think someone with your connections would have spankers lining up for you.” Thank you, but 1. I really don’t, and 2. I wouldn’t want generic spankers lining up for me anyway. I want quality, not quantity. Quantity is great fun for the light-hearted spanking play during the big weekend extraganzas, but for a more intimate connection, quality is key.

I’ve had men say to me, “I’ll be happy to take over for Steve in the interim,” when he’s sick or busy. Um… what makes them think this is something I want? If I wanted just anyone, I’d place an ad on Craigslist and meet up with a different one of the 150 respondents every day. I’d go to one local group’s parties and play “Musical Laps.” I’m not making this up; they do this, ala the old kids’ game “Musical Chairs.” (I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less at a spanking party. Just fall over a random lap? ACK!) As I’d mentioned before, one man even said, “Why don’t you just go to the Top store and get a new one?” I know he was kidding, but that annoyed me to bits. That’s an insult to Steve, suggesting he’s that replaceable, and it’s an insult to me, implying that all I need is a hand and a lap and I’m good.

Many spankos play with their spouse or SO and no one else, and that’s fine. They don’t want to go outside their primary relationship and I can understand that. But for those of us who do, things can be very complicated and there’s a fine balance to maintain. And it’s not easy to maintain that with just anyone. Throw in the need to have chemistry and connection of some sort, plus at least somewhat compatible preferences, and you add a lot more hay to the elusive needle.

So please. Don’t diminish the importance of people’s spanking relationships by suggesting in any way that they are interchangeable. Steve is deeply special, as was ST before him, and others I have known. Just as John is irreplaceable in his own right, his own place in the center of my heart, so is my spanking partner.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

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17 thoughts on “A play partnership is not some generic thing

  1. Erica,

    All of my spanking relationships are special. The connection and chemistry is different with each person, but each person is more than just someone I play with. Many men I meet in the scene want to spank a female, but do not want to first connect with the person. For me, spanking brings me closer to my play partners and complements our friendship.

    Your connection with Steve is very strong. I can tell it is very, very special. Yet, very different than your love of John.



  2. Anonymous on said:

    I heartily agree, Erica, people aren't interchangeable. Not just in a spanking relationship (or romantic relationship), but in general. I think it's a difficult line to walk to keep everyone happy in a situation like yours where you have a significant other and a play partner. There is a delicate balance and it's no good trying to swap pieces or introduce new desserts (mixing the metaphors here).


  3. I think most people don't demand much of a relationship, including marriage. That's why they can discard them with such ease. Spanko's desire something deeper and are a lot more choosy?

    PS Played musical laps a few times. It was a good ice breaker with lots of laughs and with women throwing each other under the bus.


  4. joey — you get it. 🙂

    Anonymous — it wouldn't work for everyone, certainly. I'm just grateful it does for me; my life is richer for it.

    OBB — I guess it would be fun if you know everyone. But at a larger party with a lot of people I don't know, I'd find it dreadfully awkward.


  5. Hi Erica — I totally agree with you, on this subject 🙂 I am choosy about who spanks me too.I Like getting spanked OTK by male and female.A spanking partner is VERY different than your significant other.You Love John and he is irreplaceable 🙂 With Steve the relationship is very special. In terms of a spanking partner.I never played musical laps before, it sounds like fun LOL Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade.


  6. Really well done Erica and I so agree, one of the reasons I have so much trouble finding a spanking partner, lap or bottom is because I am totally choosy. I am lucky right now as I have one of each but totally well done post and comments.
    Also not a brownie fan but when I do, yes sticky but nice and crunchy on the outside.


  7. Jade — thanks. 🙂

    Ron — glad you have what you need.


  8. sixofthebest on said:

    Erica, on this issue, I agree with you, For a play partner in my opinion is 'one of a kind', If he or she fits in your scheme of things, as you rightly said. The jigsaw puzzle fits like a glove. Comfortable. XXX Luv ya


  9. Six — I have had several play partners over the years. Not one of them has been interchangeable with another. All unique, all lovely. 🙂


  10. Anonymous on said:

    This post is very timely for me. After nearly 4 years with my recent play partner ended because he finally tired of the 45 min. drive between us. A little voice had told me this would happen 4 years ago because I would not want to drive that far all the time.

    It is hard to know where to try and even attempt to find someone new. Not only do you want to have the same leanings as far as kink goes, but also find that comfortable compatibility. The thought seems nearly overwhelming at the moment. It's hard not to get discouraged.

    I sincerely hope that most people do not feel that play partners are easily found, interchangeable, or “a dime a dozen.” Finding the right one is like finding a priceless gem. Even emotionally, I mourn the loss when something good ends. Damn distance and traffic in southern California!



  11. Pam — oh, crap. I am so sorry. Of course you're mourning. Nearly four years is a long time. Give yourself time to heal and cry as you need to. Hugs to you.

    Jeez, 45 minutes? I drive between that an hour every week to go to John's. Pretty standard for L.A. 😦


  12. Kelly on said:

    It's very important for me to have chemistry with my spankers. Mostly that means a shared sense of humor, but I appreciate their physical attractiveness, too. And I like ones who are receptive to my preferences and refusals.

    Party scenes are less important to me, but I would prefer not getting spanked at all than to settle for ones from people who treat me as a “disposable ass.”

    The biggest drawback to my “picky” preferences is all of my tops live far away from me-most in other states so my spankings have been relegated to fun hobby times. But that's the price I pay for the Quality vs Quantity choices.


  13. Kelly — the distance thing is tough. I have been lucky in recent years that I've found tops I loved who were local, but it wasn't always like that. And you're right; bottoms are no more interchangeable/dispensable than tops are.


  14. Finally one thing we do NOT have in common- I hate nuts in my brownies. My great uncle used to even make lemon bars with nuts in them and I'd get so mad. Why do you have to ruin them?? Lol. One thing I agree on is the musical laps idea. That doesn't appeal to me at all because I too need more than just a hand and a lap.


  15. Lea — LOL! I love nuts in just about everything. But yeah, I don't think they fit well in lemon bars.


  16. I feel as though technology, and the ability to connect to so many people at once has many benefits, it has make some people view others as expendable or interchangeable because there are “plenty of fish in the sea”. That's simply not the case. Someone can look great “on paper” but if there is no chemistry when you interact, then nothing on their profile can “fix” that. Good company is a precious gift, and suitable partners, spanking and/or romantic, are a rare gift and should be appreciated as such.


  17. Greeneyez — very well said! Thank you.


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