Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

New video, and the age-old question

The last of the four clips I shot with Lily Starr and Robert Wolf is out! It’s called “The Secret Life of the Kinky Wife”; Robert and I play husband and wife, married for just under a year, and I have kept my spanking fetish a secret from him. One night, he catches me in a lie — instead of being on a Girls’ Night Out, I’m actually meeting with my play partner of 10 years. Robert discovers my stash of spanking toys and magazines, and the videos and photos on my computer, and confronts me when I get home.

I am really proud of this film. Aside from the general plot plus a couple of key lines, Robert and I completely winged it, playing off each other and our combined knowledge of the scene, instinctively covering many of the points that would arise in a situation like this. He is understandably hurt and upset with me, and I’m desperately trying to explain to him that it’s not what he thinks, that this is a part of myself that I kept hidden because I was afraid he’d judge and reject me.

And of course, there’s plenty of hot spanking too, since he decides to give me a lot more of what I’ve already gotten that night from my playmate.

There is plenty of discussion throughout, covering salient points such as technique, warm-up and aftercare, and not spanking in anger. As the scene progresses, Robert slowly comes around to understanding, and I realize I’ve done him an injustice and apologize sincerely.

It’s a nice length too — 20 minutes. To read more, go here.

And so, the question persists: Just what does one do in this type of situation, where one half of a partnership is kinked and the other is not? How do you tell your mate? Do you tell your mate? Granted, our little scenario had a good outcome, but reality isn’t always that tidy.

I’m not going to ask the question, “Can you convert a vanilla partner?” I already know my opinion about that, and my answer is no, not really. I believe an open-minded partner can learn to please the kinked one, or at least accept what they do and let them fulfill it elsewhere. But unless someone has the kink themselves, has that wiring, knows that urge and need, I don’t believe they’ll ever fully understand. They get kudos for trying, for going through the motions, but it won’t be the same as playing with another fully wired kinko. Just my opinion; yours may vary.

My question is: Do you know of others who have been in this situation? Have you yourself? What did you choose to do about it? And did it work for you, or the people you know? Everyone has a different story to tell.

Thoughts, please.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, no Steve this week. His son is visiting and he’s extremely busy with work and with home issues.

You know, I am very happy my top has a full life. I love that he’s a caring father, a responsible worker, etc. — all things I admire in a man. So is it terrible of me to say that sometimes I wish he had just a teeny bit less of a life? (sigh) I feel so disconnected when I don’t get to see him. When we spoke on Friday, he said, “Thank you for being so understanding.” Really, what else would I do? Pitch a fit? Demand his time? That would make me a pretty damn sucky play partner, more stress than fun, and I don’t want that. So I deal. But I’m still sad. Can’t help it.

One day at a time. He’ll be back.

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27 thoughts on “New video, and the age-old question

  1. I was married way back when, to a man who was too boring to even be vanilla. LOL The one time he tried to spank me I had to Top from the Bottom so much that it totally killed the experience for me and I didn't ask him to do it again. He had no imagination, so we had THE most boring sex life in the world, until even that stopped. If the non-kinked partner is willing, it CAN work out. I've heard of vanilla people being converted successfully.


  2. Jen — willingness goes a long way, I agree. But do they ever fully get the headspace?


  3. My boyfriend always says that he enjoys what we do and that it's fun that I'm kinky, but he'd be totally fine with it if I weren't kinky. He could live without it, he'd fully enjoy a “vanilla” sex life, too. I don't mind that he's not entirely kinky. He's a wonderful boyfriend, a great man, and from the first time he spanked me I've always been convinced he is the perfect Top/Dom for me, too. So yeah, it works for us. I guess in a relationship where one person isn't willing to try it or isn't able to be dominant/submissive it wouldn't work. But if the other person is willing, and if you love each other, I think you can definitely make it work.


  4. The preview clip tells me nothing, just talk.
    Why should I buy it?


  5. Some do. I've seen it happen, where they get so turned on by how the other person reacts to the spanking, that they willingly keep doing it, and then THEY get kinked themselves. It's great when that happens.


  6. Olivia — I'm glad to hear that it works for you! 🙂 Gives us hope that these things are indeed possible.

    Tom — you *shouldn't* do anything. I provided a description and some pictures; if the subject appeals to you and you'd like to own it, then go for it. If not, that's your choice too.


  7. Well it is so hard but possible…..there needs to be some deep rooted interest I would say but also for a partner, you have so many options in introduce it without making them feel “odd”…not easy.
    Funny the need, I had a wonderful switch play with a friend a week ago and she spanked me so nicely….I keep asking for another spanking, I am spoiled and she is a delight to spank! Oh well.


  8. Anonymous on said:

    In the past I have been the kinky partner in kinky/vanilla relationships. While the vanilla person may not magically become kinky, I've found that my (originally) vanilla partners were almost always open about trying kink on for size. I think the key thing is to present one's kinks in a care-free and fun manner.

    Saying, “I, um, have something to confess. I like to spank people and, um…” will raise red flags. On the other hand, opening with, “You know what I think would be fun for us to try? How do you feel about spanking?” That will get a better response. Once I introduced restraints by going out and getting some soft rope that was looped into “handcuffs” and could be wiggled out of fairly easily. It was a lot less threatening that full length rope or metal handcuffs — and was very well received.

    I guess what I'm saying is I've had great success in “converting” vanilla partners due to three key points:

    1. I'm positive about my kinks, rather than trying to hide them. I try to make them fun and care-free (at least at first) and introduce them as a way to spice up the existing relationship. I also open the floor for hearing about their kinks. Just about everyone has a kink of some kind, no matter how vanilla they seem.

    2. Baby steps. I don't break out the handcuffs and paddles on the first go. First we talk about it, then we experiment lightly, then slowly ramp it up.

    3. I believe there is no such thing as a completely vanilla or kinky person, I think we are all on a sliding scale. That means I'm not trying to really “convert” a person from vanilla to kinky, I'm just trying to raise their kink level from a 2 to a 5. Most people, at least in my experience, are happy to spice things up and raise their kink level a bit. As long as they are invited into kink rather than pushed, it has gone well for me.


  9. Ron — happy for you; these connections are the best.

    Anonymous — thank you so much for this. I suppose I'm thinking more along the lines of mates who are baffled and horrified by kink, rather than the ones who start out as curious. But I really am glad to hear from others such as yourself that things can work if handled delicately. Very true; everyone may indeed have some sort of kink within them. But they don't always jive with those of others. My BF and I are both kinky, and yet, our kinks barely mesh at all. Hence, our arrangements to play with others.


  10. Anonymous on said:

    I have found, in broad generality, two main types of spankos. There are those who, like you, knew from their youth they were spankos. Then there are those who did not know until they tried it as adults and discovered they liked it. The second kind might discover a new kink and realize they like it. Or they may hate it. Yet it is possible for someone to have either repressed their interest, held off against it due to associating it with painful experiences, or never gave it a thought who discover after trying it they enjoy it. Their enjoyment may be just as valid as a lifelong kinkster. Yet, obviously, the person who knew for years who they are will be those who fall most easily into it.


  11. Anonymous on said:

    I will add I have found people interested in the kink who did not know prior to their introduction they were interested. I had a college friend who had never been spanked and claimed to have no interest in it who I discovered punished herself when she made mistakes. She did insist she needed to feel pain and to be punished. I offered to spank her instead, pointing out she would feel the same pain, yet it would be safer hitting her bottom than her hitting her own legs or arms or elsewhere, and I even admitted I might enjoy it. She agreed, and she found it most enjoyable from her first experience. She discovered she enjoyed spanking after all.


  12. Anonymous — are both of the above from you? I agree; there will always be cases of repressed kink that benefit from the right person/people coaxing it to the surface.


  13. Anonymous on said:

    Yes, both of the above are from the same anonymous person. I have no idea if this is true, but I know some of us would like to think there is a bit of a spanko in all of us, especially since so many have at least done it to some degree in our lives. I remember Ed Lee once writing something like he could bring out the spanko interest in any woman in 15 minutes. I think that was a big bit of bragging except I indeed have had lots of situations where, if I casually slip spanking into a conversation and handle it just right, the woman is suddenly telling me her whole spanking history, and often it seems she enjoys telling it. So, I think it is possible to get some people to awaken a repressed spanko kink.

    Now, I do not want anyone to think I am saying to impose your belief or kink on others. It still has to be consensual. Yet if one introduces it correctly, hopefully you may get at least an honest answer if the other person is willing to give it a shot, and if the other person is, there may be a shot they discover they like it, too. Open communication is a key to any relationship that works.


  14. Anonymous on said:

    I agree with Anonymous 1 and 2 (very much so with 1). I'm a male switch and my wife knows I'm interested in spanking and she's spanked me with her hand before. The “bottom” half of me would be happy with a sore, spanked behind on a daily basis (not too sore, but sore). Likewise, I'd be happy giving that much as well. But where we're at now, it's not that frequent.

    My most recent tack was to make coffee and deliver it to her in bed. I had the cup in one hand, a slightly mischievous smile on my face, and a paddle she hadn't seen in the other hand. I said, “In case the temperature's not right.”

    “You want me to spank you with that?”


    I showed her how one side was soft while the other side was flatter and harder. We tried it out on her bottom a little and she conceded the soft side had a nice feel. Not like a massage exactly, but nice. In the end, she tried it out on me as well, and stopped when I started getting red, which was early, but very good overall.

    We had a fun time. Best, I really think she could get the hang of it.


  15. sixofthebest on said:

    Erica, in trying to make a Vanilla into a 'spanko' or kinky partner, I believe you are right. Being a spanko has to be IN YOU, a 100% percent. Even if a Vanilla, tries their best be it a HE or SHE, to please you. You feel it's NOT 100% kosher so to speak, and a let down, a small one, but a let down none the less. XXX Luv ya.


  16. Anonymous — really happy to see so many people turning up to tell me their successes! I hope things will continue on this positive path with your wife.

    Six — there is definitely a lot to be said for trying. But I would absolutely have to be sure that my mate is not just doing it for me, but is genuinely into it and enjoying it too. If not, something is missing for me. But others may be happy with the sensation and the sharing and not need that guarantee. We're all so different, even in the same realm.


  17. Hi Erica — Nice pics :-)I can't see the clips cause I am on my kindle, My opinion on trying to make a Vanilla into a spanko,It would be hard cause they don't have the headspace and like you and some other's have said being a spanko has to be in you.I can't wait until you see Steve again,I don't like it when your sad 😦 Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade


  18. Jade — you won't be able to see this video, sweetie. It's not a free clip. Thanks — I don't like it when I'm sad, either.


  19. Anonymous on said:

    I believe you can absolutely convert a vanilla. I did it with my fiance Stonehand.

    I remember when I told him, he acted very open minded. He explained that I had a kink many people did have, I just had it to a much greater extent then others.

    When we started adding into our relationship, he had a difficult time at first, having difficulty reconciling the fact that I, as a woman, wanted to be hit.

    It has been a process, but today, he as much a Domly Dom as I could ever need. If I ever get in trouble, I get so nervous of the spanking he will dish out.

    Many people are surprised to learn he was initially a vanilla. It has taken time and major communication between us, but it can be done. I <3 him so much for everything.



  20. otkd — wow. That is spectacular! Happy for both of you. The fact that he could get past the “hitting a woman” thing speaks volumes for him, and for you too. ♥ See you very soon!


  21. unless someone has the kink themselves, has that wiring, knows that urge and need, I don't believe they'll ever fully understand…Twisting your point – a switch knows it very well. But, it most cases the power exchange is not possible for the women. As you well know.


  22. Anonymous on said:

    I told my wife about my spanking kink before we were married. Initially she was a good sport, and gave it a try; but, it was clear to me that she neither understood it, nor derived any enjoyment from it. There seemed strong ideological reasons against it, back then, too. Fortunately, on the whole, our love-making was passionately fulfilling. So, not having spanking on the menu was tolerable, if not desirable. And there was the occasional unexpected treat: once she came home, from an all-girl party, very drunk –and found it wildly amusing when I pretended to be angry and ordered her to bend over a chair, to have the seat of her knickers soundly spanked. On another occasion, she flicked me with a towel— provoking me into pushing her face down on the bed, whence her bottom was slapped very hard. Those welcome punctuations of an otherwise barren spank-life may have sufficed, if not for the advent of the Internet. Discovering that there are females who actually enjoy being spanked thrilled me to the point of intoxication. I made secret arrangements to meet professional bottoms, and also attended numerous spanking parties. I developed a taste for switching. I had never been happier in my life, nor in my marriage. Then she found out about it all. We had weeks in crisis, it seemed that our marriage was certain to end. Neither of us wanted that. She threw herself over my knee and demanded that I spank her as hard as I could. I did so, and the fucking which followed that was stupendous. She demanded to cane me, and she did so with a fury that none of the mistresses, I had surreptitiously visited could match. After successive days of such madness, we reached an accommodation. Spanking is on the menu at least once a month. And if she ever falls back into the habit of pushing a yogurt carton into an empty coffee cup, then I am allowed to summarily spank her bottom, soundly. She looks gorgeous when dressed to top, but she does not come natural to it, now she is no longer furious with me. However, she is the best spankee for me, because she does not enjoy it at all; so her struggling, squirming, and kicking—are genuine, and all the more exciting to me, because of that. I love her so much. (J)


  23. OBB — most cases? Some, yes. But I know a good share of female switches.

    J — what a story. So glad it all worked out so well for you both!


  24. How did I miss this?! I think it's easier for a spanko wife to coax a vanilla man into spanking her than it is a male top into getting a vanilla wife to accept spankings. However, I heard from a ton of wives into spankings whose husbands just didn't get the topping right on my post, and then I read J's comment above- wow. Maybe I was wrong. I still maintain that it's as hard to get a square peg (spanking) into a round whole (a vanilla spouse) as it would be if I were in prison and the only sexual outlet left to me was a different type of round hole- I just couldn't get it up for that. Sorry to be a bit graphic, and maybe that's just based on my personal experiences.

    oh, and uh… wow- 1st video I've seen tackle that subject. Kuddos to y'all for doing so. I need to see it!


  25. SS — I know exactly what you're saying. Your opinion seems to run along the same lines as mine — but I'm happy to see how many people are having a much better experience!

    And I think you'd like the video. We adlibbed it, but still managed to intuitively cover the subject well, I believe. 🙂


  26. The video sounds great! I have been through that situation myself. Not getting caught playing with another, but having to approach a vanilla spouse and tell them about my kink. There's no sugar coating it. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had in my life. I was a mess.

    I'd been thinking about it for so long and trying to figure out how to put it into words to someone who had no clue about any of it. I was so worried that he'd think I was a perv or a freak and that would be the end of things. Finally coming out about something that I felt was deeply ingrained in me and being potentially rejected for it was terrifying to think about.

    I burst into tears partway through talking to him and who knows what horrible thoughts were going through his head of what had me such a mess and what I needed to tell him. When I finally got it all out, his response was confusion. Why hadn't I ever told him before? How does this all work? There's a lifestyle out there for this? Adults actually do that?

    The subject kind of dropped after the initial talk (though it was ALL that was on my mind), but a week or so later he came to me with a bunch of material he'd researched online. I do give him points for trying, he really did. It led to many more talks and even some spankings and eventually he got comfortable with me going to parties to have my needs met without him.

    It was a long road trying to start a spanking part of our relationship. Again, I'd had these thoughts practically my whole life and very specific ideas about how I wanted it to be. He was not a dominant personality and the dynamic I've found with other partners just wasn't there. We set up a few rules and a day every week for a maintenance spanking but it was constantly pushed aside and forgotten and I was left frustrated. The importance wasn't there for him like it was for me.

    Like I wrote above, he really tried. I agree with what you said in your post though. From my experience, I do not believe anyone can be “converted.” You think a certain way or you don't. People's core personalities are never going to change and I think the spanking kink is another one of those ingrained parts of us. It's there or it isn't.


  27. Lea — yes, he definitely gets lots of points for sincerely trying. Sounds like it just wasn't his thing. And sadly, when they try to please us and it doesn't work, it's even more frustrating than if they didn't try at all. (sigh)


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