And now, a tender love song (Erica style)

Been a long time since I did a song parody, hasn’t it? And I know what some of you are thinking. “Erica, why do you always choose old songs to parody?” Well, duh. Because I’m old! Whaddaya want from me?

But come on, everyone knows Beatles songs. Today’s selection is “If I Fell,” featured on the A Hard Day’s Night soundtrack. Here is the proper version, complete with lyrics. If you haven’t heard this before, enjoy. If nothing else, take a moment to fully appreciate what beautiful harmonies John and Paul made.





And while you listen, replace their lyrics with mine. Come on, sing along!

If I fell across your lap

Would you grab a heavy strap

And spank me, understand

‘Cause I’ve gotten spanked before

And I found that it was more,

Than just slappy hands

If I give my bum to you

You must be firm

Don’t just give me some,

Give all, until I moan and squirm

If I trust in you, oh please

Just tan my hide

If I sass you too, oh please

Don’t spare my pride at all

‘Cause I’ll always want the pain

And I would be sad if my new top, couldn’t cane

So I hope you’ll see

That I would love to brat you

And that I will cry

When you learn what to do

‘Cause I’m gonna make a fuss

And I will be mad if my new top, is a wuss

So I hope you’ll see

That I would love your paddle

And that I will cry

When you start spanking me

If I fell across your knee

I’d apologize to Mr. Lennon, but I suspect he just might have liked this version. 🙂

In other news, I had my root canal yesterday. The good news is, I was in the best of hands. This endodontist has over 20 years of doing just that — root canals, and nothing else. He could do the most complicated ones in his sleep. The bad news? He doesn’t take my insurance plan, so I had to pay full price. The good news? He was able to save the existing crown, so I don’t have to redo that. The bad news? When he got into the tooth, he discovered that in two of the branches, the nerves were dead (expected), but in the third branch, the nerves and tissue were still alive and inflamed (not expected). And when he poked into that, I damn near shot through the ceiling. He had to give me two more shots. Not fun.

I have to go back next Tuesday to finish the procedure. But, as he put it, “no more surprises.” 

I really don’t feel like going to the gym today. Can someone please convince me that my body isn’t going to fall apart into a cellulite-riddled heap if I skip today?

On the table

What’s on the table? Books? Bills? Dinner? No. ME. I’M on the table. Or at least I was, earlier today.

It all started when our original plans fell through. We thought it would be fun to drive down PCH and find a secluded strip of beach, then shoot a scene inside Steve’s ginormous vehicle. However, the temperature went from 80s over the weekend to low 60s and rainy today, so we scrapped that idea. While discussing a theme for today and trying to come up with something different and fresh, he playfully suggested that we include a political debate.

“No way!” I snapped. “No politics. Politics is off the table.”

“OK, so I’ll put you on the table,” he snapped back. And by God, he did.

He said he had a surprise for me, one that would involve my good memory. (uh oh) Once the camera started rolling, he asked me to recall, over the past year and three months, a good selection of the smart-ass, disrespectful, sarcastic comments I’ve made to him. And of course, I had to dig up and remember these comments while he was whaling away on me with all those implements you see on the couch.

I like to say that I think fast off my feet. But this was a curve ball, today. My mind went blank. @#$%&!!!! Oh, I managed to come up with a selection of good cracks. Like how I make fun of his repetitive phrases, or how he’s always late. But as the swats mounted up, my mind got mushier and mushier. And he knew it too, the rat.

Oh, he had wayyyyyyy too damn much fun with this scene today.

“Only ’cause I love you,” he teased, showing my panties to the camera. “It’s all about the love.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, What-freaking-ever.

When I reminded him of the time that he said he was going to give me a million swats and I’d said he couldn’t count that high, he said, “Hey! Let’s do that count today!” AAAAGGGHHHH. Fortunately, he took pity on me after the count of 80. That was plenty, considering that count began after a good few hundred had already landed.

OK, OK, so I sorta liked it. But don’t tell anyone. Actually, I feel so good, I’ve almost forgotten that I’m getting a root canal tomorrow. grumble

By the way, we did shoot a two-part video with this scene. I put the clips up on FetLife, but if you guys want me to post them here, please let me know. If there’s enough interest, I’ll put them up on YouTube and then link them here.

What’re YOU lookin’ at? :-Þ

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to hell we go

Happy Friday, kids. This is sorta off-topic, but funny. One of my friends posted it on Facebook, of all places, and I shared it there, so I thought I might as well do so here too.

Apparently, pretty much anything and everything is a sign of demonic possession these days, according to the fundies.

I didn’t even know what roughly a third of this sh*t is. I had to Google Freemasonry, Rosicrucianism, and Backmasking. The latter is playing records backward (the old-fashioned LPs) to hear hidden messages. Damn. I remember my brother and his pals playing Beatles records backwards in the 1960s. I guess they were all in need of an exorcist.

I suppose I can see where they’re coming from with some of these, like Wicca and Voodoo. Church of Satan pretty much spells it out. But come on… Vegetarianism? The Devil eats tofu! And WTF is Remote Viewing, anyway?

Yoga? Really? And what’s wrong with Earth Worship? What are we supposed to worship, Uranus?

Halloween is demonic? Why stop there? Why not claim Christmas is evil, too? After all, Santa is an anagram for Satan.

OK, I already knew the Twilight films were evil. Or maybe they’re just @#$%ing stupid.

Here’s what’s interesting to me: Nowhere on this list is anything that can be connected to kink. One would think at least Sadomasochism would be included. So, all those people who tell us we’re going to hell for being spankos and BDSMers? NYAHHHH!

Another fun tidbit I read recently — we’re not supposed to say “LOL” anymore, either. Why? Isn’t it an initialism for the fun and innocent “Laughing Out Loud”? Nay! It stands for “Lucifer Our Lord”! 

My head hurts. All the real evil being perpetrated out there in the world, and these morons are worried about people reading a freaking comic book or playing a game of D&D. Scary, really. But I won’t go any further with that.

According to this list, I’m a pretty good girl. I’ve never been to a rave, I couldn’t care less about Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, and I don’t read palms, I just feel them. I’m scared to death of fire, so I’m certainly not going to walk in it. I haven’t smoked “marihuana” since I was 24, so the statute of limitations on my possession has run out.

But alas, I have been known to engage in fornication. (sigh) Fine, bring on Father Karras. My head may be spinning around, but at least there’s a big ol’ smile on my face. 🙂

Have a great weekend, y’all.

Creative punishment???

This post was inspired by something a friend put up on FetLife a few weeks ago: A list of “non-impact punishments.” In other words, for those who love spanking and other impact play so much that it can’t be considered disciplinary, these are alternatives.

We’ve all heard of these. Some of the more familiar non-impact punishments are writing lines, corner time, grounding/withdrawing privileges, soap in the mouth, figging (shudder). Mind you, I’m not into the punishment thing. I like the pretense of it, but I know I’m not kidding anyone; I love spanking and everything to do with it, not true punishment. Just the idea of some of these things really pisses me off! Anyone who comes near me with a bar of soap will be blowing bubbles out their ass. Bedtime?? Bite me. And if you even think about using that ginger for anything except that yummy chicken/snow pea stir-fry, you’re history.

However, I had to giggle at the creativity of my friend’s list. A lot of it was tongue-in-cheek, with suggestions like “wet willies” and “take away one of her shoes and make her walk around for a while.” But one in particular brought back a hilarious memory.

“Have them learn a song and sing it in front of you (or in front of like-minded friends.”

(Some of you have heard this story before; I believe I posted it way back on my old MSN forum. My apologies.)

A few years back, I was playing with a rather creative top, who (besides being a formidable spanker who could make me say “mercy” with his hand alone) had some very persuasive methods of getting his way. As a result, he and I often engaged in a public battle of wills on my message board. The payback for my pranks was intense, but always worth it.

Very long story short, because of a comment someone else made to him about being a “weenie,” his nickname on my forum became “wiener boy.” Or “Oscar Mayer.” I (and a couple of other women on the forum) tormented him with this. I even found a photo of a pair of men’s briefs, decorated with little hot dogs, and posted it, claiming that’s what he wore. (I tried to find that photo again but couldn’t, dammit.) He swore vengeance, but I just laughed.

Cut to the upcoming Shadow Lane party. A couple of weeks prior, I got an email from him, entitled Instructions. Opening it, I discovered there was an attachment, along with directions. I was to learn this song by heart, and sing it to him at the party. When I opened the attachment, I damn near died.

It was the lyrics to the “Oscar Mayer Wiener” theme song.

In Spanish. Holy frijoles.

He went on to say that I wouldn’t have to sing it in front of anyone else, just him in private, but he’d be spanking me the whole time, so I’d better damn well learn it correctly.

“What happens if I don’t?” I typed in my reply email.

His terse response: “You won’t like it.”

Ugh. I wasn’t about to test him. I knew how hard he could play. So I printed out those stupid lyrics and practiced them, over and over until I had them committed to memory. Still, I brought the sheet with me to Shadow Lane so I could refer to them, just to be sure. I had John test me. Of course, he thought this was hysterical.

My friend kept his word about not making me sing it publicly, and on Sunday night (after I stewed about it all weekend), he had me come to his room. He set me up over his lap on the bed, surrounded by implements, and started spanking. “OK, let’s hear it,” he commanded.

Mind you, it was the end of a party weekend, and I was sore as hell. It was very difficult to recall — let alone sing — that damn song with pain exploding across every brain cell. But sing it I did. Without muffing a single word.

“I’m impressed!” he marveled, pausing in his flurries. “That was perfect! I almost hate to keep punishing you, since you did that so well.”

Of course, the key word was almost.

“Sorry, this needs to go on a bit longer,” he then said, starting up again. “Sing something else. Sing a Beatles song.” He knew that was my favorite band, as it was his as well.

Thought he had me there, the big jerk! But I showed him. A Beatles song, huh? OK. He didn’t specify which one, so I chose “Her Majesty.” Which just happens to be 30 seconds long.



As I sputtered out “gottagetabellyfullofwine,” I’m sure it was even shorter than 30 seconds.

He laughed. He’d been had, and he knew it. So he stopped. In my state of extreme soreness, I was deeply grateful for his good sportsmanship. 😀

(And the joke was on him, double — anyone who has to listen to me sing is the one being punished!!)

Anyone else have any stories of extra creative spankings/punishments?

"Toppy Knows Best"??

No, I’m not stating that as fact. I’m repeating something that actually came out of Steve’s face today. If I hadn’t already been horizontal, I would have keeled over laughing.

We are definitely back in gear, kids. Today was delicious, even with an unexpected interruption.

As always, we had a nice long hand spanking on the couch, one that practically put me in subspace on its own. During that portion of our scene, his phone rang, but he ignored it. While I was resting before Round 2, he checked messages. Turned out he had to deal with something right now.

I watched him switch gears, go from Top mode to Responsible Adult mode, making calls, dealing with the issue that had come up, sending emails, making more calls. Every now and then, he’d look over at me and mouth, “I’m sorry.” What could I say? Life stuff doesn’t take a break just because we want to escape from the world for a few hours. 

This went on for about a half-hour, and I figured, oh well. There won’t be any Round 2 after all. He’ll be too preoccupied, the mood is lost, he’ll be stressed, etc. At least we got to play some, if not all we wanted. I tried hard to swallow my disappointment.

When he finished with his final call, he sighed, rubbed his eyes, put his glasses back on and straightened, glancing at me. His brow had unfurrowed. “Ready for the ottoman?” he asked.

Huh?? “You up for that?” I said, incredulous. “Sure, are you?” Well, duh, of course I was. “I’ve taken care of everything I can for now, except you. Your turn.” 

Feeling my enthusiasm bubbling up again, I settled myself in position on the ottoman while he went to get two toys: my leather paddle and that @#$%ing Licking Stick. Damn, I hate that thing. But I was so happy that we were going to play some more, I didn’t even mind that. Much. And I didn’t even feel like bratting him. Much.

“Are you getting what you need?” he asked. “I need you!” I gasped, flinching from the implements and welcoming them at the same time. “You’ve got me,” he assured. “I’m right here, taking care of you.” 

No tears today, either. I was too blissed out. Oh, and during Round 2? His phone rang again. Twice. I kept waiting for him to stop and answer it. But he didn’t. ♥

We did have our silly moments, of course. Most of them after the scene was over. His aftercare today including biting. Yes, you read correctly.

“I just want to bite that bottom,” he mused. “You know, I think I will!” 

And he freaking well did. Those circles are his teeth!!

Look close; see my hand turned up, like I’m saying “WTF are you doing?” 😀

“Put those legs down…”

Me, being a ham and striking poses…

(No, he didn’t spank me in that pose. And no, he didn’t spank me with my remote control. Just that damned stick and the paddle.)

All good things must come to an end, though, and at last I had to get to my feet.

He couldn’t linger this time, but it was OK. He stayed long enough to hold me and let me come down. I’d gotten what I needed, and he’d gotten his own stress release. Win-win. 🙂

The biting thing? Welllllllll, I’ve always liked a little nibbling. And just this past weekend, John referred to me playfully as his “chew toy.”

(Yes, that’s his artwork on my neck.)

Prize of the day goes to a FetLife commenter, regarding the bites on my butt. “He’s obviously not on a glute-free diet!”

Glute-free! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Happy Monday…

Helpful Comments 101

I swear, there needs to be a course on this for some people. Because so many out there wouldn’t know how to say something properly empathetic if the words appeared on a teleprompter in front of them.

Mind you, I’m really, really appreciative of the kind things people said to me when I was stressed out and unhappy. Yes, I know I was dealing with “first-world problems” — no one died, no one was hurt or sick, there wasn’t a natural disaster, etc. But I was still hurting. For those who said stuff like, “I’m sorry you feel bad,” or “I hope you get to see Steve soon” or “hang in there, things will get better,” etc., or just sent a virtual hug, thank you. 🙂

But a few others… oy. Some of the stuff people wrote to me in the last few weeks would have made me laugh out loud if I hadn’t been so damn depressed.

So, as a public service, here are a few suggestions of things not to say when a spanko is missing her special top:

1. “I’d spank you if I lived closer.”

First — well, you don’t, so that solves nothing. And second — if I actually know you and have played with you, thanks. But if we’ve never even met in person, that’s kinda presumptuous of you.

2. “You could have spankers lining up outside your door if you wanted.”

Uh… no, not really, although I’m flattered that you think so. But why on earth would I want that, anyway? Haven’t I said umpteen times that I prefer quality over quantity? I’d rather have one Rolex than a dozen Timexes.

3. “I’d be happy to be his substitute for a while.”

Did I ask for a substitute? No, I did not. You know why? Because I don’t want a freaking substitute. Once again, the implication is that tops/spankers are interchangeable and generic, and one will do just as well as another. Perhaps for some, but not for me. If I’m craving lobster, I’m not going to be happy with canned tuna. There’s nothing wrong with canned tuna, and maybe I’ll get some basic nutritional value out of it, but I sure as hell won’t enjoy or savor it.

Yeah, I know. I use a lot of metaphors. I’ll stop now.

My personal favorite:

4. “Too bad you don’t switch. You could spank me and get rid of some of that tension.”

Really? This is supposed to be helpful how, exactly? And since you’re going for the ridiculous, use some imagination next time. Maybe something like, “Too bad the moon isn’t made of cheese. We could all fly up there and have a big fondue party.”

Yes, the Queen of Snark has returned. Miss me? 

My butt and upper thighs look like I was hit by a bus. They feel like it, too. It’s most fortunate that I like that sort of thing, huh?

Looking forward to tomorrow night with my sweetie. Have a great weekend, y’all. 🙂