Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Kinky and Squeamish: an uneasy combination

I am possibly one of the most squeamish people you will ever meet. I mean, ridiculously so. My tolerance for the gory and the gross is zero.

I adore animals, but I could never be a pet owner. Why? Because I couldn’t handle the icky side of pet ownership — the poop, the vomit, the pet illnesses, the inevitable wounds.

I can’t even stand the sight of blood when it’s fake. Wanna torture me? Prop my eyelids open and make me watch The Walking Dead. Or any of the Saw movies. Even one of my all-time favorite shows, Weeds, freaked me out once. There was an episode where a DEA agent was tortured for information with a circular saw. I had nightmares for two nights after seeing that.

Same thing with sophomoric comedies where vomit and scat humor are prevalent. Yeah, I know the vomit is fake. I don’t care. I cannot watch it.

So what’s my point? It’s hard enough getting through day-to-day vanilla life when you’re this squeamish and weak-stomached. But when you throw in the world of kink, that’s even more of a challenge.

John often says that, in the overall scale of things, most people would consider me an extreme player. I disagree with him. How can anyone with a terror of blood and broken skin be extreme?

I think (no, I know) I sometimes come off as judgmental of harsh scenes. I really don’t mean to. It’s more a visceral reaction than a cerebral judgment. I can know in my head that the scene is consensual, that the bottom wants exactly what he or she is getting. But my gut freaks out.

This one of the many reasons why I’m a terrible fit for dungeon gatherings and more hardcore BDSM parties. I never know what I’m going to see, and what’s going to set me off. And my reactions are considered rude and unwelcome. Example: many years ago, John and I were at a BDSM club party called Proscenium, which was held at a filming studio with two floors and many rooms. While wandering about, I could see that one room off to the side had a large crowd gathered, so I walked in. At the front of the room, an M/M scene was going on (no, that is not the part that upset me). A man was shackled naked to a St. Andrew’s cross, and another man was behind him, throwing full-arm whip strokes at him. The man being beaten looked like something you’d see hanging in a slaughterhouse; all I saw was blood.

My reaction was instant — I screamed, clapped my hands over my mouth and ran from the room. John, who had been behind me, stayed in there and apologized for me. Apparently, people were really pissed off and offended. But I couldn’t help it.

So, from then on, the rule at this party with John and a couple of our friends was: “Scope out the rooms first and make sure they’re safe for Erica.” How embarrassing. The next time we were there, there was a heavy-duty piercing scene happening in one of the downstairs rooms, so I was kept upstairs for most of the evening, and told that if I went downstairs, I should NOT open the closed door that was just off the lobby area.

I did go downstairs later in the evening; I don’t remember why. I did stay away from the closed door. But then, the door opened, and a man walked out. He had nothing on but a thong, and his entire torso was awash with blood. I looked over at him, and I must have gone as white as a sheet. I froze to the spot, my hands over my mouth. The man then came over to me. “Are you all right?” Oh, my god. I frantically shook my head, backed away and sat down heavily in a chair. He then came closer and said, “Would you like some water?” Aaaaaggggh! Finally, fighting my gag reflex, I blurted, “No… no thank you… just, please, go away!” He backed off. I know he was trying to be nice. He honestly had no clue how much the sight of him was upsetting me.

Fortunately for me, there is little risk of seeing anything close to this at a spanking party. On a rare occasion, I’ve seen bottoms with broken skin. When that happens, I need to go elsewhere. The last time I saw it, it was someone I really like, and I was nearly in tears. She, of course, was perfectly fine and happy as could be. I had to keep reminding myself, “She wants it, she wants it, she wants it.”

FetLife can also be a minefield for someone like me. Pictures will come across my “feed” and I will fervently wish that I could unsee them. The people who post them are proud of them, and I get that. I’m proud of my photos too. Still, my inner squeamish self is disturbed. Recently, I saw a pic of a woman’s bottom that had been beaten with a meat tenderizer hammer. Blood everywhere. Was it consensual? Yup. I don’t get to say a word, and I wouldn’t. I don’t comment on these photos; I know I don’t have the right. But they do upset me, purely because of the extent of the skin damage and gore.

Just about a week or so ago, a friend “loved” a photo on Fet and the thumbnail of it looked intriguing. It seemed to be some sort of colorful artwork, a mosaic or something like that. So I clicked on it.

Turned out it was a very artistic piercing, with dozens of syringes that had multi-colored heads on them, creating a pretty design. On the flesh of a woman’s back.

Need I mention that I’m scared of needles and sharp objects too? When I was small, blood tests with a finger stick made me scream and cry. But when I had my first blood draw from a vein in my arm, I fainted. Literally passed out cold.

So, when I saw this photo, a part of me could appreciate the intricate artiness of it. However, my stomach still roiled and nausea rose, and my mind screamed “Nononotakeitawaytakeitawaymakeitstop!!!”

Ugh. Like I said, it’s not easy being a big squeamish baby in the world of kink.

Sometimes I wish photos came with a warning, like NSFW (Not Safe For Work). In other words, don’t look at this when you’re on your work computer. Only for me, it would be “Not Safe For Erica.” 

Please bear with me, kids. It’s not about judgment, it’s about my own fears and extreme squeamishness. I don’t like being this way, but it’s lifelong and I doubt it’s going away. So I live with it as best I can. You can tease me about it, it’s OK. But please don’t get mad at me, because I don’t mean it, and it’s me, not you. 🙂

Do I have any fellow fraidy-cats with weak guts?

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25 thoughts on “Kinky and Squeamish: an uneasy combination

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Oh my goodness..this is my life. I feel so bad because I want to respect everyone's kink and what they want, but sometimes Fet pictures creep me out for days!

    Annie

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  2. I too want to respect others kink but I am with you, blood I go the other way…..needles I despise and snakes!!!

    It is all what people want but others need to understand there is a shock value to seeing a true whipping, it is gory and ugly but not for me.

    Nice post, thank you
    Always
    Ron

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  3. Annie — some of us just can't handle the photos. I often wish I could see what others think is beautiful. I feel like I'm missing something!

    Ron — I know it's not for me; I just want people to understand that I'm not trying to put them down. It's best for me to avoid looking; then everyone's happy.

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  4. sixofthebest on said:

    Erica, since you mention that you are squeamish at times seeing what some call 'blood and guts'. There will come a time, as you get older, where YOU will not be able to take a HEAVY spanking, because it will become Physical Abuse. Detrimental to your HEALTH.. So please start thinking along those lines. NOW.!. XXX Luv ya, and Happy Hanukah 5774

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  5. Six — I'll deal with that when it happens.

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  6. You're far from alone. I fully admit I have zero interest in any other non spanking kinks. The private reactions from me on Fetlife range from indifference to flat out revulsion. I agree it's a to each his own world and would never criticize my friends for their preferences. But I would be very unlikely to attend any dungeon parties-even less so after reading your recount of your experiences. It's terrible to admit but sometimes it's awful knowing various friends are into kinks that I find gross. Some for the pure love of them but others do it just for a paycheck. I could never make a lot of $$$ as a Dominatrix because I've read some “menu” options of various pros. And their services are listed from top to bottoms of pages. KUDOS to them for their hard work, though!

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  7. Kelly — granted, those were extreme examples. It wasn't always like that, or else I couldn't have gone with John for years to these things. But there was always a risk.

    When it comes to personal friends who are into things that scare me or make me squeamish, it's pretty much don't ask, don't tell. I don't wish to offend anyone. And I know some people don't like the way *I* play either. It's all relative, I guess.

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  8. Soooo……no squids up the anus pics for you? 😉

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  9. Anonymous on said:

    Erica, I'm a huge fan of your blog, and some of your videos where you've shared your vulnerability during a spanking have deeply touched me. I realize I'm squeamish enough that sometimes even your bruises and color have seemed a notch above where I'm ready to go in my life. Nowhere near pushing me to a scream though 🙂

    And it's hard to see what I do in the same way as what the heavy players do, but I think the commonality must be in the feelings/headspace experienced by spanker and spankee

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  10. Bobbie Jo on said:

    I can kind of tolerate some of the stuff I see, such as some of the rope work. I have a very hard time understanding anyone who wants the blood. One of my tops, (no, not DS), had a client who wanted to be spanked to blood. Gak!

    I still have trouble accepting the fact people want that sort of thing. It scares me and it is what they are doing to their bodies that worries me. Some injuries stay forever and so do the scars. But, it is what they want.

    I suppose they think that what I like makes me a wimp. So be it. I do not want to do anything that will cause permanent injury. I have enough scars, thank you very much!

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  11. Sarah — what do YOU think? :-Þ

    Anonymous — I'm so glad I didn't make you scream! 🙂 I did once make a friend cry at a party, when I was doing a heavy spanking scene. I didn't mean to… I felt so bad!

    Bobbie Jo — I too worry about permanent damage. But we are all adults and people get to decide what they want to do with their bodies, I guess. Or so John keeps telling me. You, wimp? I can remember when you first started — you didn't even want to take your jeans down. And now look at you, playing for hours with a renowned femdom! 🙂

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  12. Anonymous on said:

    I understand completely. I try not to be judgemental as well but Im just into spanking as well. A red even bruised butt is fine but not bleeding. This is not because blood bothers me. Heck Im a RN. I deal with gore every day. I just could never see myself inflicting that kind of harm on someone and I certainly don't want it inflicted on me.

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  13. Anonymous — I couldn't do your job in a million years.

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  14. I wouldn't want to join Fetlife for fear of the kinds of things I might see. Same goes for a dungeon. I have learned enough about kink to know what some people do as a turn-on, and I don't want to see it in the flesh. I'd rather not see any blood associated with spanking, and some of the pictures I see on the Tumblr spanking blogs make me cringe.

    However, I am fine with all the pee, poop and vomit that goes with owning an animal, and am a fine doggy/kitty nurse. It's Ron who hates anything yucky. I take care of all the medical issues as well as cleanup. People? Not so much.

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  15. Hermione — Ron sounds like me! 😀 I'd say that has to be my biggest regret about being so overly squeamish, because I adore dogs and cats. Ah well… can't have 'em in my apartment anyway.

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  16. Anonymous on said:

    I am the same way, Erica. Blood, pee, poop all set me off. As you said, Fet can be a mine field. Fortunately there are lots of good things too offset the bad.

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  17. Anonymous — I agree. That's why I stay there.

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  18. Hi Erica — I agree with you 🙂 As you know I am only into spanking.I don't mind some bruising, but I don't like VERY severe bruising and blood freaks me the hell out 😦 I am not a big fan of needles either,but going to the hospital a lot and having many blood tests and IV's or pain meds and stomach meds injected through a needle.I kind of got used to it, I must be weird LOL 🙂 Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

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  19. Jade — you're not weird, dear, you're brave. 🙂

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  20. Although at one point I was into trying all sorts of freaky new things and pushing the limits of my play, I no longer find that appealing, and I've become kind of squeamish, especially about the blood related stuff. At a party recently I watched a scene happening in a totally public room in which skin had been broken and the playing had contained. Blood was making a light mist on the girl's clothes with each swat. I felt sick.

    I'm much more squeamish, however, about emotional stuff. I kind of feel like if people want to do extreme physical things, then that's their choice and if it's too much for me, I'll avert my eyes or leave the room. But with the mental play, the emotional sadism, the intentional cruelty make me really upset, even when I know that a girl is into that and finds it edifying instead of degrading. It just worries me because you can't see the marks that you're putting on someone's psyche. :/

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  21. Alex — I didn't even think about the emotional squeamishness. I have that too. I had to leave a room once during a scene that involved degradation, even though it was 100% consensual. Watching my normally strong friend crawl and weep did me in.

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  22. I get where you are coming from. We all react how we react and shouldn't need to apologize for it. I have been a DM at many of my local BDSM parties. It can be challenging at times because it's far from a spanking party. Scenes like what we'd be used to seeing at our parties are few and far between. Needle play, single tailing to the point of bleeding, body kicking/punching are all common things. I've seen an interrogation type scene where a syringe was filled with warm water and yogurt and force fed to a woman until she gagged. If it gets to be too much for me, I can trade with another DM and take a break away from things but I feel I've gotten a bit better after the constant exposure.

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  23. Lea — Force-feeding?? Just when I thought I'd heard everything. I don't think I could watch that either; I'd gag more than the victim.

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  24. Oh, Erica…

    Reminds me of a certain set of balls filled with saline… and, uh, so much more… ;-0

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  25. Craig — I remember it well. You had to whisk me out of the room before I involved everyone nearby in a non-consensual Roman shower scene.

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