Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

OT Rant: Stop the food madness!!

It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these “gross food” treatises. For those who are relatively new to my blog, you can see two of my past food rants here and here.

So what propels me to the vomitorium today? Two things, actually: 1. what the humble pizza has devolved into, and 2. the continuing insanity of sweet/savory combinations.

I am no expert on pizza, and I know nothing of its origins or how or where it came to be so popular. But when I was growing up, pizza was a very simple thing: A crust, thin or slightly thicker, in a circular shape, topped with some tomato sauce, cheese (usually mozzarella) and Italian seasonings. If you liked, you could add some standard toppings — pepperoni, mushrooms, peppers, sausage. It was baked until the cheese was melted and stringy, and then you tried to eat it without burning the roof of your mouth.

Period.

Then I don’t know what the hell happened. I suspect it dates back to the restaurant California Pizza Kitchen, which I think first popularized putting weird shit on pizza, like barbecued chicken, or ham and pineapple. Fast forward to today, and pizza is virtually unrecognizable. The foodie establishments seem to think you can put any freaking thing on a crust and call it a pizza. And I mean anything.


I don’t know what the @#$% the above is, but it is not a pizza. Yes, it’s on a pizza crust. The resemblance stops there. Artichoke hearts? Fried onions? And what the hell is that — jam??

Recently, a new pizza restaurant opened in Altadena — they tout themselves as “Pizza with a point of view.” Yeah, right into my churning stomach.

Here are some of the menu choices.

1. Sashimi pizza. Yes, pizza with raw fish on it. That huge *clunk* you just heard was a collection of sushi chefs all over the world keeling over in a dead faint.

2. Crab boil pizza. Oh, for Christ’s sake. Don’t dump crabmeat stew/soup/whatever it is on a crust and call it a pizza. That is disgusting. And messy. Serve the crab boil in a bowl where it belongs, and serve some nice crusty bread with it. 

3. Braised lamb with tabbouleh and tzatziki. OK, I don’t even know what tzatziki is. I’m sure it’s delicious. But this is not a pizza. 

4. Brussels sprouts and brie. I’m speechless, so I’ll let Jimmy Fallon take over:




When did the pizza become a culinary garbage disposal?? An “anything goes” food item? Folks, we already have a dish where you throw anything and everything on/into it. It’s called hash.

Next, Part Two of my rant on sweet/savory combos. Don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about bacon in everything from ice cream to cookies; I already did that. But this craze continues, and it’s getting crazier by the minute.

Admittedly, I don’t care for the combination of sweet and salty/savory. I never liked Payday bars. I don’t like kettle corn or salted caramel. When I ate bacon and pancakes as a kid, the pancakes had to be on a separate plate so the syrup didn’t run into the bacon. But I realize people enjoy these tastes and I accept them — in moderation.

People love cheeseburgers. People love Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I don’t eat either one of those, but I am willing to acknowledge that both can be very tasty and enjoyable.

However, a cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme doughnut as a bun is disgusting.



I think somewhere along the line, I’ve already mentioned how I feel about taking wonderful fresh, sweet, juicy fruit, nature’s candy, and putting hot chili powder on it. John’s sister once served a big bowl of that. I didn’t think it was possible to dislike her more, but there it was.

And WTF is up with the continuing trend of enrobing all things savory with chocolate? We have the aforementioned bacon covered with chocolate, and chocolate-dipped potato chips. I’m sure there’s someone, somewhere, dipping their French fries in Hershey’s syrup. But recently at Whole Foods market, I saw something so unbelievably grotesque, I damn near had a stroke:




That’s right — chocolate-covered beef jerky. I had to leave the vicinity immediately, or else they would have needed a Clean-up on Aisle 9.

Who conceives of this grossness?? Foods are like colors and patterns, in a way; if you combine certain ones, they clash. What’s next — chocolate sauce on lobster? Don’t forget the bittersweet cocoa powder to sprinkle on your side of mashed potatoes! And for dessert, ice cream with Hollandaise sauce?

BLECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Please, stop the madness, foodies. One of these days, your taste buds are going to get so overloaded that they explode. And from that point on, everything you eat will taste like the canned low-sodium soup they serve in the old folks’ home.

Ah. I feel cleansed now. I just need to unsee these pictures.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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33 thoughts on “OT Rant: Stop the food madness!!

  1. You didn't also see the BBQ potato chip version of that candy bar? I saw them at Walgreen's. Putting weirdness in chocolate is a big thing right now. I will say though, Jet's BBQ chicken pizza ROCKS. I thought the same thing you did about that stuff, but then I had that one, and it's so good! I'm thinking that what looks like jam on that one pizza might be sundried tomatoes. The weirdest pizza I've ever seen was one way back in the 90's at one of those crazy pizza places like CPK. It had everything that a burrito would have in it, but on pizza, and no tomato sauce. LOL I do agree about the Luther. I can't see eating a burger on a donut. It was originally called a Luther because Luther Vandross came up with it, and you can see where that got him.

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  2. Jen — I went back and searched for that pizza photo I found. Its caption was “Gourmet Onion Marmalade Pizza.” So yup, jam on pizza. *gagging*

    I have seen the pizzas with burrito toppings. They have names like “Mexican pizza” and “pizzarito.” Different, but still, not as bizarre as raw fish!

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  3. Okay, marmalade on pizza is gross. Either people have too much time on their hands or they're aiming their food toward stoners. LOL

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  4. Tzatziki is a Greek yoghurt based side dish – very nice when not on a pizza..

    Good job you've never been to Glasgow – you'd find the deep-fried Mars bars most unsettling 😉

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  5. Al — oh, we do that here too, at our county fair. Deep-fried Snickers bars, Twinkies, Oreos — GROSSNESS!

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  6. OMG…That Krispy Kreme has to be the worst IMO…I love food porn bur this stuff is Food nightmares….Thanks for sharing!!!!

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  7. Nancy — right??

    When I was a little kid, my brother used to tease me about food. After eating lunch (which included pickles) we were having strawberry ice cream for dessert and he told me the ice cream and pickles would mix up in my stomach and make me sick. I think he was onto something.

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  8. I agree with the gross factor to most of the pictures you displayed. But I do enjoy chocolate covered pretzels, chips and any type of chocolate covered nut.
    I saw a “cheeseburger” type pizza made on a Food Network program. Mayo and mustard as substitutes for traditional pizza sauce make me want to puke just thinking about it! LOL

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  9. Kelly — I love chocolate-covered nuts, particularly almonds. But they can't be salted nuts! LOL What can I say — my tongue hates multi-tasking. (Damn. That sounded dirty.)

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  10. Hi Erica — Those food pics are so GROSS UGH. Sushi on pizza sounds so disgusting.One of my friends used to dunk her fries in a Wendy's chocolate frosty Double YUCK. I like chocolate covered peanuts or almonds 🙂 I agree some foods are getting crazier by the minute.I wonder what topping they will put next on a pizza,Well since one of the pizzas had jam on it,Maybe peanut butter.The fair that I go to every year has fried pickles UGH. Wishing you and John a nice peaceful weekend 🙂 Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade

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  11. Bobbie Jo on said:

    Erica, you had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. LOL I agree some of the junk they are coming up with are gross. If you mix enough oil paint colors together, you get a gray glop of goo. That is what this junk sounds like and looks like. I don't want to eat something that looks like it has been in my stomach already.

    I like a number of things with chocolate: huckleberries, raspberries, and blueberries. And choice pieces of dark chocolate truffles from See's. Please don't ask me to eat the dang chocolate covered potato chips! Blech! As for the chocolate covered jerky, double blech!

    Pizza? I like a veggie pizza (spinach, mushrooms, onions, garlic, and if I want meat, chicken) with tomato pizza sauce and mozzarella.

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  12. What kind of girl are you, Erica, to so detest chocolate?
    And please do check http://www.kalynskitchen.com/2007/07/worlds-best-tzatziki-sauce-recipe-greek.html and try it! But please mind: anyone who slices the cucumber deserves a firm spanking. It should be grated.

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  13. Jade — PB&J pizza — now THAT is gross!

    Bobbie Jo — John loves chocolate-covered berries too. I've never cared for those, but I do like chocolate-covered raisins!

    MrJ — you're kidding, right? I love chocolate! I would die if I had to give up chocolate. But chocolate-covered beef jerky and bacon is disgusting!

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  14. Hi Erica,

    Chocolate-covered beef jerky sounds like a treat for dogs, not humans. I've heard chefs on TV tell viewers to put freshly ground pepper on strawberries to enhance the flavour. Not me, thank you!

    Some of the combinations you describe above sound like they came from the program Chopped, where chefs are given 20 minutes to prepare an appetizer from kale, orange drink powder, lamb testicles and gingerbread men.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  15. As a 66 year old I agree with everything you said, Pizza should taste like Pizza absolutely no pineapple or anything and no fish of any kind. I would also like to compliment on the way you talk about your Father,He must have a really Great man and I can tell that you loved him very much.

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  16. I enjoy simple pizza which I make at home. I do not get all the stuff that is piled on top of a pizza. Yuck.

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  17. sixofthebest on said:

    Erica, as to the history of the pizza pie, one has to just go to pizza pie, Wikipedia. My own preference for pizza pie, is just the regular pie, with cheese and tomato sauce, Yammy, Yammy for me. But I have friends, kosher friends, who have ordered their pizza pies, with Gifillte fish with horseradish on top. After eating such a delicacy they tell me it sends them to heaven. Possible also to the toilet. XXX luv ya.

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  18. Hermione — remind me to never, ever watch Chopped! (turning green…)

    James — thank you. I did.

    joey — homemade pizza! Yum!

    Six — oh my gawd. I HATE gefilte fish. I grew up with that crap. It looks gross and it tastes worse!

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  19. Anonymous on said:

    I say make things easy. Grill a filet mignon to medium rare, so it is juicy and the blood runneth over. You know red, fleshy…like you just cut into the cow. Crack open a nice red. Slap the steak on a plate, make the first pour of the wine and just devour that meat like a lion tears into it's prey. Now THAT will top any pizza (all pun intended) or put a hole in the sweetness of any donut.

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  20. Anonymous — um… well. Your imagery is a bit unsettling. But I get your point. 🙂

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  21. I am not sure if I get the sushi on a pizza thing. If you put the sushi on the pizza, then bake the pizza then it isn't sushi anymore. If you put the sushi on the pizza after it bakes I would think it would still cook some, that is if it has sauce and cheese on it. I am a purist when it comes to pizza – cheese and sauce.
    I don't totally agree with you on the chocolate covered stuff though. I love chocolate covered strawberries (no pepper), bananas, blueberries, potato chips, pretzels and all nuts -both salted and unsalted. I don't like additional salt added to caramel, it just makes it salty. yuck! Good rant, Erica. I can't even go to California Kitchen because I don't see a normal pizza on the menu.

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  22. Kaki — yeah, I think they put the sushi on the baked crust, and there's probably not the sauce and cheese. But that's not a damn pizza!!

    I actually like CPK, but I never get pizza there. I get a salad or pasta.

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  23. Anonymous on said:

    Hi, Erica:

    NO sushi on pizza. What the heck is wrong with these people? How could they ruin a wonderful piece of sushi that melts in your mouth like butter that way. Do they use wasabi in place of the tomato paste. :p Gross.

    There is nothing like a good old fashion pizza. I did try a bbq chicken pizza once, it was good; however, emptying the refrigerator onto pizza crust DOES NOT make it a pizza.

    I like a donut once in a great while, and a burger is good, too. But not together. Some things are just not made to be together.

    Chocolate cover beef jerky. Sacrilege! Chocolate, especially dark chocolate, is a delight to the palette, and the cure for many a thing that ails a girl. I love experimenting with chocolate and keep 10 pound blocks of it at home. Chocolate covered nuts, chocolate ice cream, Mexican ice cream, chocolate truffles of all varieties, wonderful. Even chocolate dipped strawberries are yummy. But don't adulterate my chocolate with chips, jerky, and unsavory items.

    Not everything, including the kitchen sink is made to be thrown in a blender and mixed together. Yuck! Let's enjoy and savor flavors that enhance each other when combined. Not just in a creative frenzy thrown something together and call it gourmet.

    Sorry, I guess I feel as strongly as you do about food and went on my own rant. Thanks for sharing. Your rants really make me laugh, and this one had me make wide-eyed scrunchy faces. 🙂

    Linda (I'll have to ask Kaki about choosing an account to get my name to show up.)

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  24. Linda — welcome! Feels good to rant, doesn't it? 😀

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  25. Your mention of the brussels sprouts on a pizza reminded me of Sheldon's live to 100 diet where he ate othing but brussels sprouts and wound up farting like a pregnant mare.
    Are you saying he could get a pizza with the same effect?
    John

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  26. John — ROFL! — oh my god! Sheldon and his “cruciferous vegetables day”! Love that episode.

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  27. Anonymous on said:

    Your right on the Pizza however spinach, fresh tomato and fresh garlic on regular crust and sauce are outstanding

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  28. Anonymous — I'm sure it is. But that sounds more like a salad on a crust, not a pizza. 🙂

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  29. Agree totally and living in NJ we know pizza, sausage, pepperoni and well mabe vegatables but these other things are a mess. Also I love cheeseburgers but on a donut, ugh……….cheeseburger on toast!
    Always
    Ron

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  30. Ron — yes, cheeseburgers belong on bread, not doughnuts.

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  31. I will eat ham and pineapple pizza but I know many people don't like it. Including my ex. I wasn't able to order it for 8 years so now I do on occasion. I don't even like plain beef jerky so that with chocolate is gut wrenching!

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  32. Lea — I like Trader Joe's Teriyaki Turkey Jerky, but I would never put chocolate on it. What, your ex wouldn't let you get pizza half with your favorite toppings and half with his? Boooo!

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  33. Pingback: OT Rant: Yet MORE food insanity | Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

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