Monday morning ramble
No, not a rant. Just stuff I’m thinking about.
The kink scene is a never-ending source of fascination… and frustration. So many things I completely get, and yet there are thousands more that I don’t. And sometimes, I have to laugh at myself, because I feel like a total hypocrite. No, I’m not talking about the age-old comparisons and controversies regarding spanking and the overall BDSM scene. I mean, within the spanko scene itself.
Case in point: I see a lot on FetLife, perusing it from day to day. As I follow my various friends on there, I often see mentions of punishments and restrictions. Grounding from social media. Enforced bedtimes. Writing lines. Soap in the mouth. I see women complaining about these things, but they’re going along with them anyway. And I find myself getting angry. “What’s wrong with you??” I huff to myself. “How can you allow that? You’re a grown woman, not a @#$%ing child!”
And that’s when I laugh. Yeah, right, Erica. Look at what you allow. You get put across men’s laps, your bottom bared and spanked like a naughty little girl. You get called “young lady” and “brat” and you love it. Yeah, that’s so adult of you.
Why is that acceptable to me, and yet, the other punishments within the spanko realm are so abhorrent? I know it’s “to each their own” and all that, but sometimes, I wish I understood other kinks a bit more.
I read about women saying that they like the restrictions, even though they hate them at the same time, because they need structure and guidance. I guess that’s where I rebel. I had more than enough freaking structure and guidance growing up, with my mother. She had more rigid rules and restrictions than any of my peers’ parents. Her bedtime for me was so strict that if I went to bed ten minutes late one night, I had to go to bed ten minutes early the next. She constantly came up with creative punishments, like the time she wouldn’t allow me to read for a week, which damn near killed me, since I was never without a book. She shoved soap bars in my mouth when I was small. I resented the hell out of all this.
And yet I willingly and happily get spanked. How does that work?
Maybe the immediacy is part of it. It happens and then it’s done. Whereas grounding, lines, etc. go on and on, long after the excitement/stimulation/whatever over them is gone. Maybe it’s the idea of someone else having that much control over me. When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted and no one could tell me otherwise. The irony of that is, as an adult, I’m actually quite self-policing. I am hyper-vigilant about my health, my work, my bills, my responsibilities. I am on my own case enough of the time — I don’t need someone else on it.
Maybe the physical/sexual stimulation is part of it. During a spanking, there’s no denying that I’m being stimulated in various ways, endorphins are flying all over, my head space is being altered. Where the hell are the endorphins when I’m writing a line over and over? Where’s the excitement when I’m sitting at home, dying to go on FetLife or Facebook or whatever, and being “forbidden” to do so?
Is there a thrill about being controlled in that manner? Maybe that’s the part I’m not getting. All I can see is the resentment and the chafing.
Back in the days when I used to IM all the time, and had a few regulars I’d chat with, one guy told me he wanted me to go stand in the corner of my bedroom for a half-hour, then report back to him. WTF? What the hell would I want to do that for? But he was quite insistent about it. At first I thought, fine, I’ll just tell him I did it, and he’ll never know the difference. However, on second thought, I got pissed off. Who are you to tell me to do that? Screw you! So I told him no, I’m not doing it. He stopped talking to me.
Yeah, there’s a heart-breaker. But what if it had been someone I knew well and loved? Would I do it, or would I still be as pissed off about it? I have a feeling it would be the latter. It doesn’t matter how close I am to a man — I simply do not like being ordered to do things unless it’s in the middle of a scene and I’m in that head space.
Of course, the “I’m too @#$%ing old for that” doesn’t wash. Because, technically, I’m too @#$%ing old to get spanked as well.
Any thoughts from those who love to hate these adjunct punishments? What is it about being restricted that flips your switch?