Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Bleah

It seems I lied. I said I was going to be grumpy this week. So far, that’s not so. I’m not grumpy; I’m just sad. And bleah. I love that word, bleah. I don’t know whether or not Charles Schulz invented it for Peanuts, but it’s a perfect descriptor. An alternate version of blah and blech (the latter is also a favorite of mine).

We went to visit my stepdad this weekend, and it always takes me a couple of days to get over that. It’s just so damn sad. Every time we see him, he seems a bit more feeble, a little more out of it, thinner. His legs are like sticks; he walks with a cane, but he really needs a walker. He has no appetite and pretty much forces himself to eat. He doesn’t join in any of the activities at the facility; mostly stays in his room and watches TV, doesn’t even listen to the music he’s always loved anymore. He confuses his words; he introduced me to one of the nurses as his “stepsister.” He talks about my mother, which, of course, dredges up my own painful memories and feelings of inadequacy.

John is wonderful; he keeps the conversation going, he engages my stepdad, he is upbeat. I have to struggle to keep up, to keep a pleasant look frozen on my face, to resist the urge to leave as soon as humanly possible. But there are few things in life that are more depressing than assisted-living facilities.

Steve always jokes about how he still wants to be spanking me when we’re 80. Not gonna happen. I don’t want to live that long. Not after what I saw with my parents. Not after witnessing the indignities and miseries of old age. 

Yesterday at brunch, I wept to John. My stepdad had said something about how talented I had been musically as a child, how I could have been an amazing piano player, but I “gave it all up.” Yup. Another way I failed. Just like I never had a decent home (all my apartments have been “dumps”), I didn’t have a proper “career,” I didn’t get married and have kids, I didn’t see the world, I didn’t entertain, I didn’t have interesting hobbies… My mother’s voice reverberated in my head, her endless litany of disappointments in me. I try so hard to exorcise these demons, and then all it takes is one damn visit and they swarm back in.

And this is why I rarely go visit my stepdad. I can’t help it. I love him, he’s always been a good man and he doesn’t deserve to end his life this way, but being around him pitches me back into the abyss.

So here I am, Monday morning. I’m dressed. I have had my breakfast and coffee. The gym awaits. I finished one hairy project and have another one coming. Still, all I want to do is hide, go back into bed and stay there — take a pill and sleep for the rest of the week until I can see John again and get out of myself.

But I don’t do that anymore. That’s not an option. I force my body to go through the motions until my heart follows.

Dare I hope for some fun this week? Probably not. All I can do is the best I can, one minute at a time.

This too shall pass.

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22 thoughts on “Bleah

  1. Kelly on said:

    I hope you can feel my cyber compassion and hug from one coast to another.!

    While I don't experience the deeper sadness that gets to you at times, I do feel intense anger and rage whenever old bad family memories involving never ending critique and verbal abuse are dredged up. You say how you work so hard to exorcise the demons and they resurface so easily. My feelings resurface when people who “mean well” or want “nothing but the best for me” dispense unsolicited/unappreciated/unwelcome “tough love” commentary to me when I am NOT asking them to solve my fucking financial woes-just merely asking them to lend an ear while I mention various sensible and highly recommended steps I've taken to secure stable employment while competing with recent college grads willing to work for one step above minimum wage.

    This might be a great week for you to seek out your most hilarious friends and or favorite books, movies to help transition back into a peaceful state of mind.
    Or better yet, go out into you hallway and yell,
    “DON'T mess with me, MUTHA F@!@!!S” 🙂

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  2. Kelly — thanks. I just went out to Fedex a project. I had every intention of going to the gym afterward… and ended up driving back home instead. Simply cannot deal with the masses today. I'll use the makeshift gym in our rec room instead. Hoping that will perk me up a bit.

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  3. I can understand how you feel, Erica. At my side of the big pond, in recent years some wonderful novels, rooted in lived experience, have been published on these issues. I found them very comforting, as they somehow make sense of what just seems to utterly sense-less. Anything of the kind at your side?
    At any rate, it is great that John is so supportive.
    Hugs.

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  4. MrJ — probably. It's good to know people relate, but when I'm depressed, reading about depression makes it worse. I need to do the contrary and read/watch something funny, I think.

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  5. I'm sorry it is so hard on you when you visit your stepdad. It's OK to feel everything you do during and after the visit. I'm glad you have John and don't have face everything alone. Please remember that although you may not have done all the things your parents thought you should have (what kids don't have that problem), you have still done some truly amazing things. You've entertained many people throughout the years, you've definitely done some traveling, and I for one consider being spanked a very interesting hobby! 🙂

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  6. Jay — thanks. It's kinda of weird how it worked out; what I consider my best accomplishments in my life are ones I could never tell my family. 🙂 Trouble with my mother was, she really should have had a completely different child. I wasn't *any* of the things she wanted.

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  7. Anonymous on said:

    Even if you weren't the completely different daughter your mother was looking for, you're the Erica you want to be. It just takes a little while to find your way back from aspirations that were never yours to begin with to the person you're happy with. Hope your week is way better than you expect. ~ Ariel

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  8. Ariel — thank you; that's very kind. You know, a lot of the time, I really am happy with who I am. It's unfortunate that family visits tend to set me back a bit.

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  9. Hi Erica — I am so sorry you have to go through all of this 😦 I am so glad that John is there for you 🙂 I think what you did with your life is AWESOME 🙂 You traveled, You did spanking videos,What could be better than spanking? Getting spanked is so COOL 🙂 You are a very BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL person and friend.You have accomplished so much and that is GREAT 🙂 I am sending you lot's of Love and hugs always. From naughty girl Jade

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  10. Jade — lol… well, as for what could be better, my mother would beg to differ, I'm afraid! But thank you. 🙂

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  11. Erica, I agree. Growing old is not something to look forward to, but I firmly believe it's better than the alternative.

    Eat some chocolate, be good to yourself, and have fun with Steve this week.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  12. I feel your sadness, I had to watch my former partner's strong willed mother wither away in a nursing home thanks to Alzheimers and with circumstances changed here in the UK I am looking after my own mother who gets less mobile and more dependent on others like myself daily. About 3 weeks ago my mom suffered severe food poisoning and she didn't make it to the bathroom in time, she was so distraught and I just had to reassure her it wasn't her fault (it wasn't) – but I'd rather be there for her if I can than send her to a home.
    be brave, be thankful for your own sanity and what and who you are. Hopefully catch up with you at CM otherwise at SL!

    (Don't) be good! xx

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  13. Hermione — no Steve for me this week, unfortunately. He's away on a camping/hiking trip with his son. Glad for him, but sucks for me! 😦 Bad timing. But the good news is, I have plenty of work.

    John — I'm so sorry for what you've gone through as well. It's so hard, and your poor mom. No CM for us, but look forward to seeing you at SL! Thanks.

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  14. WOW! You hit some real hot points for me. Funny how some one elses problems can take you back to your own hurt. That being said let me share what has made life
    livable to me and offer a counter-point.
    First as I visit my Mom in the home and watch her slow decline into dementia I can sympathize with how you feel. But remember that is HIS decline not yours! Something I have to remind myself of often.

    “Steve always jokes about how he still wants to be spanking me when we're 80. Not gonna happen. I don't want to live that long. Not after what I saw with my parents. Not after witnessing the indignities and miseries of old age. “
    Not everyone declines into helplessness as they age. You work hard at your health I see no reason you will not be a rambunctious 80 year old driving all the men, old and young a-like crazy!

    “Yesterday at brunch, I wept to John. My stepdad had said something about how talented I had been musically as a child, how I could have been an amazing piano player, but I “gave it all up.” Yup. Another way I failed. Just like I never had a decent home (all my apartments have been “dumps”), I didn't have a proper “career,” I didn't get married and have kids, I didn't see the world, I didn't entertain, I didn't have interesting hobbies… My mother's voice reverberated in my head, her endless litany of disappointments in me. I try so hard to exorcise these demons, and then all it takes is one damn visit and they swarm back in.

    And this is why I rarely go visit my stepdad. I can't help it. I love him, he's always been a good man and he doesn't deserve to end his life this way, but being around him pitches me back into the abyss.”
    Been there done and do that! But lets look at what you wrote.
    Piano is great but though it all you found your true passion. maybe HE would have loved to see you do that but if it was your true passion I think you would have. Finding your own way is not failure; its life!
    What is a decent home? The place you are comfortable and happy. How many friends do you know with million dollar homes they are miserable in?
    You have a job you are good at and fits your needs. So where is the failure in that career choice? What good is a career if you are miserable every day at work?
    Didn't have kids? Thank you knowing your own mind and not bringing kids into the world unless you truly wanted them. Besides how many “kids” in the spanking world look up to Aunt Erica? I think you might be surprised. Your honesty has helped LOTS of people come to terms with this thing we are.
    “I didn't see the world, I didn't entertain, I didn't have interesting hobbies… “
    Are you KIDDING me? Didn't entertain? You often reduce me to tears and then have me rolling on the floor laughing.
    Didn't have an interesting hobby? maybe you should go back and watch your videos… hell; maybe I should….maybe I'll just go back re-read some of your blog, or your book.
    You travel more than I ever have or will. Its not the mileage, its the enjoyment.
    Your Mother had her own demons and she tortured you with them. Let her demons go; it was her burden don't let it be yours. You are better than that!

    Erica you are an amazing and insightful woman who is love and respected by many. I can think of no greater success than that except to have a man who loves and adores you. Yeah you are pretty damn successful if you ask me.

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  15. Poppa — thank you for taking the time to write that to me. I appreciate it a great deal. ♥
    (Aunt Erica? Really? ;-D)

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  16. Bobbie Jo on said:

    I can truly relate. My mom wanted a feminine little girl she could dress in “pretty dresses.” Hey, give me overalls or pants and let me get out and gold pan, play cowboys and fast draw with my fanner 50, and ride the kid's saddle I had on a frame that I did ride.

    I have to say I have my demons, too, and when they come up, as they often do, I get angry. I tell them off, again and again. It is one of the things my top and I are dealing with. When I am on the verge, and she knows when I am, she will start talking to me about this stuff. She knows just what to say, too.

    I took piano for a while and I gave that up. I spent 16 yrs in college while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. I have not had very many jobs. Mom got me in my dad's business doing the posting. GAK!

    I didn't get married until pretty late. I didn't want kids either. Mom complained about my “crappy tennis shoes.” She compared me to other kids all the time. “Other little girls help their mothers.” Mom, just leave me alone! I am me and I am NOT domestic, thank you very much.

    Whose idea is that that we didn't measure up? Measure up to what? Their standards? What they wanted us to be? We chose our own paths which sometimes takes courage to do, but we are happier in the long run. I knew an ophthamologist who hated his work, though he was very good at it. He finally left his practice and did his own thing. He probably became a doctor to please his parents. Who knows? But he wasn't happy until he quit and did what he wanted to do.

    That is what you and I have done to some degree. So we didn't “measure up” to what our parents thought we should be. The question is are we doing what is good for us? If we are, that is what matters. Yeah. Easy to say when we hear those old voices.

    You are a beautiful woman who has done a lot for many of us in this community. You have helped me more than I can say and I am sure there are many out there who would agree with me on that. I check here every day to read your wisdom, your rants, your humor, and whatever else you have for us. You are real, honest, and a beautiful woman with class. Yes, you are successful! Very much so.

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  17. Bobbie Jo — thank you. I appreciate this post. And I know you can relate. Ugh! Why do they fill us with so much negative input? Did they bring us into this world solely for the purpose of giving them bragging rights?? Apparently so.

    Yeah, I wasn't domestic enough either. My mother loved to cook and to entertain. Me? If I have more than one guest in my apartment at a time, I break out in a rash. And the umpteenth reason I'm a “failure”? I have never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner.

    Meh. Families are for the birds, sometimes.

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  18. Bobbie Jo on said:

    I haven't cooked a Thanksgiving dinner, either! Not everybody is, or can be, a gourmet cook!

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  19. Anonymous on said:

    Glad you didn't take a pill and sleep for the week. I'm glad you are listening to me as to how awesome you truly are. That is because…well, you are! Oh, and I WILL be spanking you when we're 80. Steve

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  20. Steve — wanna bet?

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  21. Snoopy always has a way to bring these moments into clarity…love it
    Always
    Ron

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  22. Ron — I will always love Peanuts. I still have all my old Peanuts paperbacks.

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