You know, I’ve always endeavored to be honest here, to be my whole self, not just my scene self. The good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t expect my blog readers to fix me. I don’t want anyone to fix me. I just need to vent here sometimes, because things get overwhelming. And honestly, because I’m such a loner, I don’t know how to reach out any other way. I don’t text, I don’t call. Because I feel like I’d be bothering people. So I post, I put myself out there, and figure, well, people will read and respond if they choose to. I’m not entrapping them.
Just having a rough time lately. It started last week, when I sent that stupid, stupid selfie to Steve. That tacky bid for attention, that got exactly what it deserved: nothing. He didn’t respond to it at all. Didn’t even notice it until the next day, when I texted him to ask about it. That fell flatter than a lead pancake, as did my ego and my spirits. And I felt incredibly foolish. I’ve never sent a text like that to anyone, and I doubt I ever will again.
I talked about it with a couple of friends, laughed about it, figured I’d get over it. But I’m not. I still feel foolish and embarrassed. Nothing like doing something you think is cute and sexy and spontaneous and fun, and getting zero reaction to it.
Then last Wednesday, I ran out of work, and didn’t get any more. It happens. It’s summer. But the timing is really bad. When I am not doing well emotionally, the best thing I can do for myself is keep busy with work and feel productive. So as the days passed, my mood darkened.
The health struggle with John continues. He is still battling with his HMO, and time just keeps passing and passing. They are not helpful, but he is not helping himself either. At this point, he needs to take off some of the mass quantities of vacation he’s accumulated and bombard the various doctors with visits and follow-ups. But because he won’t take any time off, the only day that he can have a doctor’s appointment is every other Friday, when he’s off. Yeah, I know. Please don’t tell me how counterproductive this is. I already know it. But I am powerless over what he does. I am powerless over what anyone does. Please don’t suggest ultimatums or trying to take charge. John does not accept either one, not from anyone. It’s just who he is, and I need to work with that. Because I love him.
The spanking community, just a couple of weeks ago, was a very kind place, pulling together to collect money for a friend in need who was ill. Now, there is a situation brewing that is combative, ugly, and will polarize people. No, I’m not going into detail about it; it doesn’t matter for the purposes of this blog. It’s very much in bloom on FetLife, but many of my readers aren’t on there. Suffice it to say that I feel like we’ll all be forced to take a side. I don’t want to take a side. I care about the people on both sides. All I want to do is go bury myself in a hole until it all blows over.
The damned depression is lying to me again, whispering its ugliness in my head. “You’re out of sight, out of mind.” “You’re irrelevant.” “You are lousy at your job and that’s why you’re not getting work.” “That guy on Fet was right; you are too long in the tooth to still be involved in videos, or posting pictures of your body.” “Go ahead, disappear, stop blogging, stop posting. No one will notice.” Last week, there was some controversy on Fet about suicide, and how some people think those who kill themselves are selfish cowards. To these people, I said “lucky you.” Because you’ve clearly never known depression. You’ve never had the relentlessly nattering voices inside, telling you how utterly worthless you are. You haven’t struggled against them, fighting not to believe, not to succumb.
This too shall pass. I know this. But I just fucking hate going through it. I hate how I feel. However, fighting and kicking and screaming against it doesn’t work. Surrendering to it does. If I stop fighting, the demon sitting on my chest gets bored and wanders away. All I have to do, all I can do, is breathe, and take a minute at a time.
There will be fun spanky stuff on here again. Just not right now.