Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

It’s time

This time tomorrow morning, John will be in surgery.

It’s been a strange and surreal few days. We’ve been very loving with one another, and also on edge with one another. We’re both nervous and wound up. We planned everything very carefully. Now it’s in the hands of the surgeons.

Tomorrow morning, the head of cardiac surgery will hold John’s heart in his hand. And mine, too.

I have his bag packed and in my car. He will be in the hospital about five days, if all goes well. He has to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 5:00 a.m., and surgery won’t be until at least 7:30. It should be about four hours, give or take. So he didn’t want me to drive him to the hospital; he’s taking a cab. He’s totally OK with that; I took a cab to my surgery too, five months ago. I will go to the hospital mid-morning, park myself there and wait. He made sure to tell me where the hospital cafeteria is, assuring me that it has big comfy chairs and plenty of outlets to charge my phone. Always thinking of me.

I have a list of numbers. I have instructions. I have the durable power of attorney and medical power papers.

We tried to follow our usual routine this weekend, going to our usual places. John was told to eat a lot of leafy greens in the week before surgery, so I brought a ginormous tub of “Power Greens” and dressing to his house on Friday night, and made sure he noshed on it all weekend. We even brought a Baggie of it to our lunch restaurants and beefed up the salads he ordered.

I helped him vacuum and clean. I took him to get his hair cut. It’s super, super short, so that washing it will be easy for him.

The issues with his family and the mother’s estate/will were supposed to be resolved before his surgery, with a meeting of the siblings. His sister cancelled it, no explanation. So everything is still unresolved. This will probably get even uglier at some point. For now, however, we have other things to worry about.

John’s brother and sister-in-law have sworn up and down that they’ll be there for him. I’m still skeptical. But we’ll see.

I’ve gotten some nice texts and emails. People are being supportive and kind, and that means the world to me. Because, honestly, I’m a fucking basket case. I cried four times this past weekend. I’m supposed to be strong for John. And yet, he was asking me if I’m OK. That’s so not right.

Today, I tried to distract myself. I worked, I went to the gym, I went to the car wash. On the way home, a normally five-minute drive was about 20 minutes, choked with cars and honking, because of a bad accident and then road construction past that. I was screaming in my car at the stress of it. All I wanted to do was get home, you know? My nerves are so high strung, it’s not taking much to snap them right now.

John had promised to send me an email with all the contacts and information I needed. He forgot. So he sent it to me tonight, and I tried to print it out, and my printer wasn’t working.@#$%&!! Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to look up Troubleshooting and clean the print nozzles, which were clogged. I really wanted to throw the damn thing out the window, but knew that would be counterproductive. Please. Things really need to work right now. I have no fortitude leftover for even the least bit of complications.

I think it’s been the endless waiting that did me in. I’ve had too much time to think, too much time to watch John deteriorate. YEARS of this. Now all I can think about is the worst-case scenarios, all the bad things that could happen. This needs to be over. For both of us.

On Saturday night, we were walking to our restaurant and I could hear the all-too-familiar sounds of his panting for breath. Even a short, flat walk does it. He never complains. But that night, he said casually, “It will be nice to be rid of this.” Yes indeed, my beloved Captain Understated. It will.

John will be home for six weeks. He can’t drive, but he will not need home care. I’ll make sure he has everything he needs. Unfortunately, even though he has a nice new TV, he has the crappiest of basic cable and doesn’t get any of the good movie stations. So I bought him seven DVDs, seven of his favorite movies. Those, plus his usual History Channel and CNN, will keep him occupied, I think.

I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in God, so I don’t pray. Friends have asked if I mind if they pray for John. No. I don’t mind. I’m honored for anything anyone wants to do for him. It’s more than his family has ever done.

So yes, please. Positive thoughts, vibes, whatever you want to send John’s way, please do. And to me, too. So I don’t fall apart. So I can be strong for him. Or at least put up a strong facade publicly and in front of him, and fall apart and weep in private. As I’m doing now.

Dammit. I wish I weren’t such a baby.

Tomorrow is tomorrow. Tonight, I need to get some sleep.

Thanks for reading my babbles.

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23 thoughts on “It’s time

  1. I’ll say a Miche Berach this Friday.

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  2. Hugs and positive thoughts for you. I’m an atheist too (Humanist technically), so normally I hang back while everybody else writes the usual platitudes because what I would say would seem to be lacking for somebody who’s religious. It’s totally normal to be keyed up to the nth degree at this point, and I know I would be in your place. It’s the only realistic reaction, since we’re not robots. It would be weird if you DIDN’T have all the uncertainty messing with your head. We’ll do what we can to distract you when possible, and to listen when you need to vent. I’d suggest venting whenever possible so that your head doesn’t explode. That would be messy. ; )

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  3. DS — I’ll take it. Thank you.

    Jen — yeah, I usually just say I’m holding good positive thoughts, which I am, so it works well. But you know, if people are willing to offer prayers and THEY believe in them, I figure that’s a good thing too. 🙂

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  4. Good luck to both of you…

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  5. You’re right, Erica, the waiting is always the worst part, and this has been a cruel strain on both of you. All my love to you; I’m counting on the very best.

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  6. xichanisma on said:

    I am holding you both tightly in my thoughts. Much much love.

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  7. Wolfie — much love to you too. Thank you.

    x — I don’t recognize the name, but I recognize the avatar. Thank you so much, sweetheart. 🙂

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  8. I wish you two all the best, Erica. I will be thinking of you these days. Did you sense the positive energy I just transmitted across the pond? 😉
    And no, you are not a baby. You are a caring, loving woman accompanying her bf.

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  9. Erica,

    Waiting is the worse part. You are both in my thoughts.

    Hugs from me to you

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  10. You are both in my thoughts and heart this morning. (Big hugs!)

    Lots of Love,
    Jay

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  11. Still an Admirer on said:

    Positive thoughts and, yes, prayers abound for you and John. I see here and FL people think highly of you both. While I’m not sure that anything will help your anxieties, just know that there is a lot of energy flying towards CA, John and you. Good energy, hopeful energy and I hope that it finds its way to you and gives you some comfort and peace.

    Still, an admirer

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  12. Thinking of y’all. Hang in there.

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    • MrJ — feeling lots of positive energy! Thank you. 🙂

      Ronnie — yeah, the waiting is the pits. Thank you, and hugs back.

      Jay — love back to you! You’re so sweet.

      SAA — I am indeed feeling that love and it has me all teary. Thank you.

      SS — hey you. Thanks, I’ll try my best.

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  13. Oh Erica, I feel for you. When I sent you the email the other night I thought you didn’t want people praying for John. I knew you were an atheist. But I want to say, I’m praying, sending positive vibes ands hoping to send you calming vibes to. Anything I can do from across the country,

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  14. A.E. Mouse on said:

    At last the day approaches with all the good and bad portent that can be known or (shudder) imagined. I’ll keep my fingers crossed, a prayer on my lips and one eye out for updates.

    Stay strong,

    Anon E. Mouse

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  15. All the best of everything to you both. May the waiting soon be over and have been worthwhile. Then enjoy a wonderful future together.

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  16. Downunderdon on said:

    I am holding positive thoughts and a prayer to the medicine Buddha for John and you.

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  17. KB — honestly, I will take anything people are willing to offer. So thank you.

    Mouse — thank you. Still waiting…

    Joe — I hope so, thanks.

    Don — I’ll take it!

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  18. Bobbie Jo on said:

    Thinking of you and John. I am hoping and praying for the best outcome. ((((hugs)))) and love.

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  19. Hi Erica — You and John are always in my thoughts, Sending many prayers.your both AWESOME. Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade/ Emily Jean

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  20. Jade — thanks, love.

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