Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

OT Rant: Yet MORE food insanity

Happy Friday, kids. Since I don’t have anything on-topic to discuss today, and frankly, I’m sick of writing about how life has been lately, I thought it was time for one of my infamous Gross Food Rants.

For those who haven’t been with me that long, I’ve posted quite a few of these over the years. Any time something I consider over-the-top disgusting joins the culinary choices out there, I feel motivated to write a PSA that warns: “Eat this at your own peril.” Here, for reminders, are three of my past writings: Bacon Sundae, Mac ‘N Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt, and This is NOT Pizza/Sweet-Savory Nightmares.

Today, we reach into the Erica Scott Barf Bag and what do we come up with: Little Caesar’s Deep! Deep! Dish Bacon-Wrapped Pizza.

BaconCrust-600

Really, Little Caesar’s? Really??

The deep-deep-dish pizza on its own was bad enough. Super thick dough, mountains of cheese, a glut of grease, fat and salt. But wait! Let’s make it even worse! Let’s wrap 3.5 feet of BACON around it! Yes, that is 3.5 feet, kiddies. That’s more than a yard. To be precise, that is 42 inches of bacon.

But wait again, there’s more! It’s topped with lots of pepperoni and — guess what? — even more bacon.

Jesus Christ, y’all. Why stop there? Why don’t they just dump the entire fucking monstrosity into a vat of bacon grease, deep-fry it, and then serve it with cheese dipping sauce??

A single slice of this thing contains 450 calories, 23 grams of fat, 830 milligrams of sodium and 40 milligrams of cholesterol. I think of poor John, who is currently on a heart-healthy diet regimen including fish, vegetables and greens, fruit and unsalted nuts. One piece of this would kill him.

But wait, there’s a thought. (NO… not killing John! What the hell is the matter with you people…) I mean, without going all political on you, most of you know my stance on capital punishment: For the worst-of-the-worst criminals, proven without a shadow of a doubt to be guilty of murder, torture, etc., I am a firm believer in it. So here’s a new method for the death penalty: Force-feed the perpetrators with this crap until their hearts explode. I guarantee, after consuming enough of it, they’ll be begging for the electric chair.

I would not be surprised if I heard that Little Caesar’s gets a kickback from the companies that produce Rolaids, Prilosec, Pepto Bismol and the like. Because this gastronomic catastrophe is destroying people’s innards, one slice at a time.

When I was a kid, eating in the school cafeteria, there was pizza every Friday. I can still remember how it was so laden with grease, you could hold the slice up over the plate and watch it drip off. Little Caesar’s fat bomb is so full of oil and grease, you could probably squeeze a slice over a pan and use the drippings to fry a whole chicken.

Please, people. Don’t eat this. Don’t even look at it. That high-pitched whine you hear is your arteries shrieking in terror. Yes, have a slice or two of pizza that isn’t an obscenity. Have a couple of pieces of bacon on occasion, if you wish. But Do. Not. Eat. This.

(P.S. I deleted the photo I’d originally posted here, because someone told me they found it offensive. Sorry about that.)

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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15 thoughts on “OT Rant: Yet MORE food insanity

  1. Ariel on said:

    Didn’t you once discover something like chocolate-dipped bacon or jerky or jalapenos (or all of the above) and run shrieking in terror? Because I read about that somewhere and have not been able to shake the hideousness from my mind. With the LC bacon/bacon pizza/pizza, seems like pitching oneself off a tall building would be faster than waiting for this monstrosity to do you in. I wonder if anyone’s thought to dip French fries in chocolate yet…

    Like

    • Ariel — yes, in one of the previous posts I linked at the beginning, I wrote about seeing chocolate-covered beef jerky. No. Just NO.

      LOL… I have a very distant memory of being at a deli with my dad when I was quite small, and dipping a French fry into my chocolate milkshake. My father was horrified.

      Like

  2. poppamark on said:

    So glad to see you getting back to your delightfully feisty self!
    Its all in the society we are raised of what is acceptable I am renting my duplex to a nice Filipino family and we cook for each other all the time. I never knew how many great and tasty ways there was to cook vegetables. Very healthy and tasty.
    And no I never ever would go to LS.

    Like

  3. Your idea for executing the most heinous criminals reminded me of this. Another “Little Caesar” was a novel (by W. R. Burnett I think) about a mafia hood. It was made into a film many years ago starring the great Edward G. Robinson. He played the eponymous thug, Rico somebody or other, who died at the end of lead poisoning. Perhaps he could have gone to this other Little Caesar’s and died of Pizza. Altogether I think death by tommy-gun was probably much more humane.

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  4. Totally ridiculous! And yet, there will be plenty of takers for this monstrosity.

    Hugs,
    Hermione, who is watching her cholesterol. Oatmeal, anyone?

    Like

  5. Hmmm…how come my picture doesn’t appear beside my comment above? Yours appeared in your reply, but the rest of us have crazy quilts. I do have a picture on my WordPress account. Is there a setting for that, to make all avatars show up?

    Like

  6. A.E. Mouse on said:

    Really, does Little Caesar’s make anything worth eating? If I were to splurge on pizza it wouldn’t be on some corporate slime and there would be no bacon within sight.

    Hang in there,

    Anon E. Mouse

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  7. This is stuff, no food, even no foodstuff.

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  8. Just when I was about to go track down (hunt?) lunch and visions of bad choices were pinging away … you RUINED it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
    More lima beans, anyone?
    Jon

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  9. Poppa — If exhausted is feisty, then, why yes, I am.

    Joe — “Is this the end of Rico?”

    Hermione — hmm. I have no idea. I’ll look into that when I get home. Meanwhile, sadly, I hate oatmeal, even though I know it’s a darn near perfect food.

    Mouse — yeah, all their stuff looks pretty nasty to me.

    MrJ — you’re right.

    Jon — ha! Sorry (not sorry).

    Like

  10. Anonymous on said:

    Erica, you are Jewish. Your Rabbi should spank you for knowing you don’t like bacon.

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  11. Hi Erica — That pizza looks YUCKY, if someone eats that they will get clogged arteries and have a heart attack, eating this pizza is a heart attack waiting to happen UGH. I can’t stand greasy pizza it’s so disgusting.Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade/ Emily Jean

    Like

  12. Have you seen this, Erica? https://vimeo.com/90127834

    It’s the first thing I thought of when I read this today!

    Like

  13. Pingback: OT: More sandwiches that should not exist | Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

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