Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

OT: More sandwiches that should not exist

Can you stand yet another one of my disgusting food rants? (Just to clarify, the food is disgusting, not my rants.) I just had one a couple of months ago, about bacon-wrapped pizza. Now, we have two new sandwiches that endeavor to pile as many substances onto one poor bun as is physically possible. Whether or not you should eat them is another story.

First up in the barf bag queue, we have Carl’s Jr/Hardee’s “Most American Thickburger.”

thickburger

What makes it so American, you ask? Well, number one, it’s excessive. And for another, since it couldn’t decide between hamburgers and hot dogs, it put both in the same bun. Along with a serving of potato chips. Oh, and cheese too, of course.

Mind you, I have nothing against hamburgers, or hot dogs (especially if they’re the good all-meat Kosher kind, not the El Cheapo variety that are 2% pig testicles and eyeballs, and 98% cereal filler). I don’t have an issue with potato chips, either. But for God’s sake, have we gotten so @#$%ing lazy that we can’t even eat our different sandwiches separately? Is it too much effort to put down the sandwich and reach for your chip bag?

Speaking of effort, isn’t it difficult lifting such a hefty sandwich? I have a better idea. Do like KFC does and pile the whole freaking mess into a bowl. Throw in the cut-up burgers and franks, and a jumbo bag of potato chips, smush it all around. Dump ketchup and cheese sauce over the whole fucking thing and then top it off with a slice of apple pie. Yes, I said apple pie. Call it the “Fourth of July Picnic in a Bowl.” When I mentioned this to John, he made a face and said, “You can’t put apple pie on a burger!” Why the hell not? If the sweet/savory fanatics can put bacon on ice cream, or beef jerky in a chocolate bar, or ruin perfectly ripe, luscious sweet fruit with chili powder, I can damn well put pie in a sandwich. Serve it all up with a mini-plastic shovel, and there you go. You even have a bowl handy afterward for… well, you know. Blorrrgghhhhhh, as they used to say in MAD Magazine.

Anyway, should you decide you want to attempt consuming this monstrosity, it will set you back 1030 calories, 64 grams of fat, and 2350 mg of sodium.

If you haven’t already turned green reading this, wait, there’s more! Next up is Applebee’s “Triple Hog Dare Ya.”

TripleHogDareYa_MAY15_1014

Look out, arteries, here comes the Cholesterol Express! Not one, not two, but three kinds of pork. Barbecued pulled pork, plus ham, plus bacon. My ankles swelled just reading about it. Of course, that’s still not unhealthy enough, so they throw in fried onions and cheese sauce as well.

For Christ’s sake — eat a pulled pork sandwich if you like. Enjoy a BLT. Order a ham and cheese. But all three in the same sandwich?? And once again, are we too lazy to eat our side dish separately? Blech.

What IS it with this trend of piling everything but the garbage disposal between two pieces of bread? Please, make it stop. More is not necessarily better. How do you even taste all the separate flavors when they’re conglomerated like this?

Oh, and this heap of Hog Hell has 1140 calories, 62 grams of fat, and a whopping 2640 mg of sodium. Just to give you a perspective on sodium: John, being a heart patient, is supposed to follow a low-sodium diet, because salt makes one retain fluid and that’s hard on the heart. You know what his recommended daily allowance of sodium is? 150 mg. That’s one hundred and fifty, not one thousand and fifty. I believe that’s about two-and-a-half salted peanuts. Or a few crumbs of this sandwich.

Please, people. Stop. Eating. This. Crap. John and I spent a lot of time in the Cardiac ICU recently. Believe me, this is not a place where you want to be.

Rant over. I do believe I’ve earned some crunchy organic peanut butter.

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15 thoughts on “OT: More sandwiches that should not exist

  1. You weigh 86 lbs. Food is not your thing. Rant about something else.

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  2. Graham on said:

    they looked disgusting,God knows what Heston (Blumenthal……greatest chef in the world)would make of em.Next time Erica try a seabass in a white wine and basil sauce,with special fried rice,if your ever in my part of the world I`ll cook it for you it`ll blow your mind

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  3. Well….those sandwiches/burgers/whatever-the-hell-they-are look thoroughly unappetising. But I agree, the individual components would be very enjoyable, one at a time and one per week.

    And I totally agreed with you about the side dishes: they should be kept separate–I want to dip the onion rings individually in tomato sauce, not drown them in it and then desecrate an beautiful, innocent and delicious soft bread roll by stuffing the soggy mess into it.

    Seriously, sandwich designing folks? What did that poor, innocent bread ever do to you? What heinous crime could possibly be worthy of punishment such as this?

    (My digestive system also wants to know, as do my arteries, which are already feeling clogged in sympathy with yours!)

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    • Heidi — I wonder about that bread desecration too! I mean, how can one mere bun be expected to hold all that? I’m sure the pictures of the real thing (not the picture-perfect ad version) would show bread that is disintegrating.

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  4. Richard on said:

    Everyone around centeral missouri raves about brats Lots of germans there Tried to eat some once when they were cooked my hillbilly dogs did not want them There and me are used to simpler foods That burger at Hardees sounds like the adv. dept. thought it all up

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  5. A.E. Mouse on said:

    Nasty beyond nasty! Give me a small, simple meal that doesn’t reek of suicide watch.

    Anon E. Mouse

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  6. Ridiculous! Who would really want to eat that stuff.

    We were just talking about Pizza Hut’s 4 cheese stuffed crust. Who wants cheese in the crust? On the pizza it’s great. In the crust it’s just messy.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  7. Who on earth is able to conceive something like this and, moreover offer it for consumption in the public sphere:

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  8. Hermione — a friend just sent me a link to yet another new pizza — one that is surrounded with a ring of hot dogs in pizza dough. My head…

    MrJ — hell if I know.

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  9. Hi Erica –YUCK These sandwiches look so disgusting, I did turn green reading this LOL 🙂 just kidding but I almost did.I agree with you that if they are mixed all together, you can’t taste the hamburger or the hot dog by itself,It would taste weird and gross, then they add all that other junk to it.Chips should be eaten separately as well.Sounds like a garbage sandwich to me.I would never eat those so called sandwiches.They should come with a warning that says BEWARE HEART ATTACK CITY . Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade/ Emily Jean

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  10. Pingback: OT: Yup, it’s time again for disgusting food! | Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

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