OT: More sandwiches that should not exist

Can you stand yet another one of my disgusting food rants? (Just to clarify, the food is disgusting, not my rants.) I just had one a couple of months ago, about bacon-wrapped pizza. Now, we have two new sandwiches that endeavor to pile as many substances onto one poor bun as is physically possible. Whether or not you should eat them is another story.

First up in the barf bag queue, we have Carl’s Jr/Hardee’s “Most American Thickburger.”

What makes it so American, you ask? Well, number one, it’s excessive. And for another, since it couldn’t decide between hamburgers and hot dogs, it put both in the same bun. Along with a serving of potato chips. Oh, and cheese too, of course.

Mind you, I have nothing against hamburgers, or hot dogs (especially if they’re the good all-meat Kosher kind, not the El Cheapo variety that are 2% pig testicles and eyeballs, and 98% cereal filler). I don’t have an issue with potato chips, either. But for God’s sake, have we gotten so @#$%ing lazy that we can’t even eat our different sandwiches separately? Is it too much effort to put down the sandwich and reach for your chip bag?

Speaking of effort, isn’t it difficult lifting such a hefty sandwich? I have a better idea. Do like KFC does and pile the whole freaking mess into a bowl. Throw in the cut-up burgers and franks, and a jumbo bag of potato chips, smush it all around. Dump ketchup and cheese sauce over the whole fucking thing and then top it off with a slice of apple pie. Yes, I said apple pie. Call it the “Fourth of July Picnic in a Bowl.” When I mentioned this to John, he made a face and said, “You can’t put apple pie on a burger!” Why the hell not? If the sweet/savory fanatics can put bacon on ice cream, or beef jerky in a chocolate bar, or ruin perfectly ripe, luscious sweet fruit with chili powder, I can damn well put pie in a sandwich. Serve it all up with a mini-plastic shovel, and there you go. You even have a bowl handy afterward for… well, you know. Blorrrgghhhhhh, as they used to say in MAD Magazine.

Anyway, should you decide you want to attempt consuming this monstrosity, it will set you back 1030 calories, 64 grams of fat, and 2350 mg of sodium.

If you haven’t already turned green reading this, wait, there’s more! Next up is Applebee’s “Triple Hog Dare Ya.”

Look out, arteries, here comes the Cholesterol Express! Not one, not two, but three kinds of pork. Barbecued pulled pork, plus ham, plus bacon. My ankles swelled just reading about it. Of course, that’s still not unhealthy enough, so they throw in fried onions and cheese sauce as well.

For Christ’s sake — eat a pulled pork sandwich if you like. Enjoy a BLT. Order a ham and cheese. But all three in the same sandwich?? And once again, are we too lazy to eat our side dish separately? Blech.

What IS it with this trend of piling everything but the garbage disposal between two pieces of bread? Please, make it stop. More is not necessarily better. How do you even taste all the separate flavors when they’re conglomerated like this?

Oh, and this heap of Hog Hell has 1140 calories, 62 grams of fat, and a whopping 2640 mg of sodium. Just to give you a perspective on sodium: John, being a heart patient, is supposed to follow a low-sodium diet, because salt makes one retain fluid and that’s hard on the heart. You know what his recommended daily allowance of sodium is? 150 mg. That’s one hundred and fifty, not one thousand and fifty. I believe that’s about two-and-a-half salted peanuts. Or a few crumbs of this sandwich.

Please, people. Stop. Eating. This. Crap. John and I spent a lot of time in the Cardiac ICU recently. Believe me, this is not a place where you want to be.

Rant over. I do believe I’ve earned some crunchy organic peanut butter.

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