Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Mine, mine, MINE

its-mine-not-yours-mine

I am so not a submissive.

Yeah, Erica, what else is new? I dunno, just something that came to mind lately. Not a judgment, not a statement of any sort of superiority. Just a heightened awareness of how very different we all are, within the same overall community.

I copy-edit/proofread a lot of kink erotica. Therefore, I have regular exposure to fictionalized spanking/BDSM relationships. Some of them resonate. Others do not. And one theme I see repeatedly is that of ownership.

I know the secret behind D/s… that the surrender and submission of the bottom is their choice, and they have the control, even though it seems that they’re relinquishing it completely. It’s a dance and a game. But still.

I am so fiercely, ridiculously independent, I cannot imagine having my autonomy taken from me. Or even giving it away willingly.

Oh sure, a little objectifying is fine. We all do it. We all use the word “my.” My love. My sweetheart. My husband, my wife. Steve will often grab onto my bottom as he’s spanking me and say, “This is mine, do you understand?” Sometimes I’ll say, “No, actually, it’s mine.” But more often than not, I’ll say yes, because I don’t want thigh whacks. 🙂

Everywhere I read, everywhere I look, there is something or another about permission. Just today, I saw a spanking photo with a caption saying something about how she had her hair dyed without permission. Um. It’s MY freaking hair, and if I want to cover the gray, or dye it rainbow colors, that’s MY choice.

Maybe it’s a childhood leftover. My mother had so damn many rules and regulations and rigid standards I had to follow when I was a kid. I seethed with anger and resentment, vowing that I couldn’t wait to grow up and make my own choices. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine choosing to give them away again, even if it’s in a fantasy mode.

Yesterday, I was working on a book with a scene where the woman was punished because she touched herself without her top’s permission. This guy was strict. Everything she did, she had to ask first. Permission to speak (during scenes). Permission to orgasm. Even permission to suck his cock. As I got into the intense spanking scene, which was quite hot, I found myself squirming in my chair. Hey, it’s been a while, I’ve been sick, etc.

So I finished working on the scene, got to a good stopping point, and took a little break to take care of business. Yup, the joys of working at home are many. Office coffee breaks ain’t got nothin’ on this girl’s breaks. 😉

Then it occurred to me: Imagine if I’d had to ask for this first? If I had to feel like I’d done something wrong, something naughty, something forbidden, because I hadn’t gotten permission for it?

Nope. Not me. That simply wouldn’t work. I know it’s a dynamic that works for many. Sometimes, I’m almost envious of those who can let go to that extent and allow another have say-so over what they do. Almost. Then I remember who I am and what I own.

I own my pleasure. I own my orgasms. I own my choices in all things. I own my bedtimes and getting-up times. I own my speech, my clothing choices, my hair style. I own my online time, my TV time, my time for anything I want or need to do. I own what I eat and when I eat it (that’s a huge one, for one in recovery for eating disorders).

I will give my love, my devotion, my willingness, my vulnerability, my tears, my laughter. I will surrender my body to painful pleasure. But I will not — cannot — surrender my choices. The day I begin to surrender my autonomy and independence is the day I begin to die.

And perhaps I take all this shizz way too seriously. 🙂

Have a wonderful holiday weekend, y’all. Be safe.

EDIT: By the way, all comments are welcome, even if you are on the opposite end of this submission spectrum. I’d love to hear what resonates with you about it.

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17 thoughts on “Mine, mine, MINE

  1. Same here. I couldn’t give up that much control. I can give up the control for when I get spanked, but nobody’s going to tell me I have to get permission to do things. That would bring down my wrath on them, and it wouldn’t be good. LOL

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  2. Luckily the Tops I play with don’t try to do that, they know me too well. LOL I did have a Dom at a party tell me that I needed to learn how to submit, that he could teach me, but I told him I wasn’t submissive at ALL, so there was no chance of that!

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  3. Yes, you may well take it more seriously than it is being experinced. But the still – it is not your type of experience.

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  4. Bobbie Jo on said:

    I sure don’t want anyone telling me I have to get permission to do what I want. That is not my cup of tea. I have heard that there are some corporate people who tell people all day what needs to be done and they just want someone else in control for a while. I told my top a couple of times that I am responsible for what I do and she isn’t. Of course, she knows that. 😉 Oh, I will accept a suggestion, but a direct order? I don’t think so! I do joke about receiving orders from her, though.(Leave it to me to come up with a different take on TTWD she wasn’t accustomed to. LOL)

    When it boils down to it, all of us choose what we will think, do, say, etc. It ain’t what “Geraldine” used to say.

    I hope you are feeling better by now. Sounds like it was a nasty one.

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  5. MrJ — yeah, guess it all comes down to that.

    Bobbie Jo — I don’t know what the hell this thing is. My neck glands are still swollen and it still hurts to swallow, a little. Running a low temp at night. But overall, feeling better?? Whatever. Just have to wait it out. The doc said expect it to hang around two weeks or so.

    I’m thinking your top probably has to give a LOT of orders in her course of play and it’s a nice change of pace to have a bottom who just wants to bottom, period. Lot less responsibility!

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  6. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica ♡ I am not submissive either, I totally agree with you about this 🙂 I am a spankee.For someone to tell me when to speak etc would make me very mad 😦 I am a rule breaker,rules are ment to be broken, next they will tell someone when to breathe LOL 🙂 I like punishment spankings and a Top to be strict but I draw the line on some things because it can go to far.Wishing you and John a great 4th of July ☆☆☆☆☆☆ Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean

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  7. Erica, I agree with you 100% percent. Yes, since this is America’s Independence Day July 4th 2015. One can only say BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO. XXX I love ya.

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  8. poppamark on said:

    Then I remember who I am and what I own.

    I own my pleasure. I own my orgasms. I own my choices in all things. I own my bedtimes and getting-up times. I own my speech, my clothing choices, my hair style. I own my online time, my TV time, my time for anything I want or need to do. I own what I eat and when I eat it (that’s a huge one, for one in recovery for eating disorders).

    Remember you also own your submission. The term Topping from the bottom always makes me laugh. All the power belongs to the Submissive. With out them choosing to do a power exchange A Top is nothing more than a guy with an attitude.
    For me a woman’s submission is a gift and I cherish it every time I get to play, never forgetting that without her choosing to submit all I would have is a fantasy.

    So could you Erica play out the scene you described? Certainly; because it is your choice!
    All the true power lies in one word; NO!

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    • Poppa — true enough. And I detest the term topping from the bottom. Especially since it’s often meant to be derogatory toward a bottom who has the audacity to state limits and preferences.

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  9. A.J. on said:

    “This is mine, do you understand?”

    To which the clever retort is: “Well, you should take better care of it!”

    Gawd; who would want a totally submissive woman? Sounds boring, not to mention a whole LOT of work. Give me an independent, self-assured woman any day, one who will play on OUR terms.

    (Ask for a B.J.? How much better is, “You get that dick out right now, mister. I’ll show you what a blow job is really all about!” In my fantasy….)

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  10. I can understand your feeling that way especially growing up with extreme rules and regs over everything you did. Have a good weekend to you too.

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  11. A.J. — who would? Lots of people, apparently. I do like your retort, though.

    Tiffany — it really was quite rigid. I mean, to the point of, if I missed my bedtime one night by 10 minutes, I had to go to bed 10 minutes early the next night to make up for it. Ridiculous.

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  12. Anonymous on said:

    So agree with this writing. I observe the “permission to ____” dynamic among our friends. I can most definitely state that it will be a cold day in hell before I ever ask permission to pee (which I overheard at a house party we had hosted). My partner and I will sext each other throughout the day and it does walk the line between spanko and bdsm but when we get right down to the actual time together it is much more spanko with just a hint of bdsm.

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