Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

More changes

Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I hate change? And uncertainty. I seem to have both in abundance lately.

I don’t want to give away too much of Steve’s private affairs, so I will keep this brief. He is having to close down a business that he has owned and operated for the past eighteen years. He has also recently become an empty nester, so he’s rattling around in a large house he can no longer afford. So… he has to find a new career, and a new place to live. All up in the air right now. Starting over is never easy for anyone, but at age 57, it’s especially challenging. So I am worried about him.

John continues to heal, but he still has a lot of stuff to deal with. He’s still on a gazillion medications and he still has a lot of doctor appointments. In the reasonably near future, he will need two more surgeries: one on his prostate and one on his shoulder. He still has the a-fib and has to take the blood thinners, and now the cardiologists are making noises about putting in a pacemaker. He has made a lot of great strides in the past few months, but he’s a long way from having a clean bill of health. So I am worried about him too.

You know how in recent years, people have taken a hit on some of their investments? Me too. I am not going to go into any more details about that, but suffice it to say that my retirement future is no longer as secure as I once thought it was. I need to work more, quite a bit more. More changes, more uncertainty. And of course, I know what some people are thinking: Marry John! You guys have been together for 19 years (yes, but we’ve never lived together). If I moved into John’s house, and was added to his group health insurance at work, I could save about $2000 a month right there. Only one little problem: I’d rather take a Seconal cocktail and sign off than do that. I don’t want to be married, and John’s place is nice to visit, but I absolutely do not want to live there. I need my place, my space, my autonomy. Without that, my life is worth little to me. Meanwhile, I need new glasses, my car is getting older, I really should get a laptop or a notebook so I can take work with me to John’s or other places when I’m out and about, I need this, I need that… the list is endless. The money, however, is disturbingly finite.

So. I’m worried about me too.

Even my beloved scene is changing, and I’m struggling with that as you all know. Going to Shadow Lane in two weeks, and honestly, after that whole “purist” debacle on FetLife recently, I’m a little nervous about what’s ahead there. That one malcontent bully there made her contempt for me very publicly known. But are there others who are silently judging me? Friendships are changing. Everything is changing!! Hell, even John’s and my favorite restaurant, our go-to for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day for years and years, closed. Can something remain stable and reliable, please??

Today, in the midst of his life being turned upside down, Steve came over for two hours. For that brief time, we were each other’s oasis, one another’s respite. It had been two weeks and we were craving our connection, that symbiotic top/bottom connection. It sounds ridiculous, but receiving that spanking was like getting oxygen. For that little while, my nattering head shut down and I just felt his energy, his hand, his power. I absorbed him like a sponge. Afterward, I clung to him hard, not wanting to let him go. But I had to, and I knew that. He has a lot to handle right now. I need to be a rock for him, as he as for me. The good news is, unlike me, Steve is a very positive and upbeat person. He is a survivor. He doesn’t go to the dark side. So he’s amazingly chipper, considering.

Yeah, I know. Life is about change. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, goddammit!

bc21c-anxietygirl

Enough of that. Back to work for me — and damn grateful I have it.

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24 thoughts on “More changes

  1. Downunderdon on said:

    Oh Erica….blessings from afar. I know what it is like to take a hit at our stage in life but I know you just have to keep on keeping on.Stop worrying about Fetlife and start worrying about those things that you can change; your and John’s health and Steve’s future.

    As always there are many people out there on your side sending positive thoughts, blessings and best wishes.

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  2. Anonymous on said:

    Now I am getting depressed … need to pop a magic pill or two … the Dow is down .. I just turned 70 last week .. and need to start drawing on my 401K in 6 months .. When I was your age I had a sexual thought about every 7 seconds and Now ….Now …. er …. every 10 seconds. I have not administered a spanking since the last time I was in California …three years ago! So cheer up young Erica and enjoy a sexy spanking and a glass of bubbly! The Grinch

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  3. Don — thanks. Actually, I can’t change John’s health or Steve’s future, either. I just have to weather whatever is ahead for us all.

    Grinch — sex? What is this sex of which you speak?? Now I really want some champagne…

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  4. I hope the place that closed is not the one with the famous German chocolate cake. I keep telling myself that I will make the (miserable) drive from south Orange County up there to try a piece.

    I’m sorry about all of the significant stressors in your life right now. Definitely more than enough to create some worry. Thankfully, both John and Steve are pretty positive about things. Sending you all many good thoughts and positive energy.

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  5. CarolBeth on said:

    Erica,

    I don’t care what people say – the big changes in my life have all sucked. So, I am extremely sympathetic to your current situation. That being said, hopefully the negative parts of your current situation will change for the positive – sooner rather than later.

    Take care of yourself. There are so many people that care about you. I am one. Although I don’t personally know you, your blog has made you a part of my life. No matter what you write, it entertains me in some way – some blogs more than others, but your writing is great and I look forward to each and every blog (and picture!).

    ps – to hell with all the judgemental, ignorant, haters! Remember the saying “Those that care don’t matter, and those that matter don’t care!”

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  6. I love the cartoon! :-))
    And it is so great to read about what a two hour session may do – although, I guess, all of us know the experience about how intensity, closeness, focus may help to let go so many other things.
    I want to re-assure you that I did NOT think that you should go and live with John. May be marry him, just to create a party, but not living together.
    If it were not so obvious that I am sure that you know: just do not worry more about Steven and John than they themselves are doing+ and your profile is way too strong to be influenced by FL. Oops, did say it.

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  7. Pam — no, that place is still open, thank goodness! But it was a circuit for us — the restaurant was about five minutes away, so we’d go there for special dinners and then to the café for dessert. I guess it’ll just be dessert, now.

    CarolBeth — thank you for being so kind. And yeah, haters suck!

    MrJ — well, the session itself wasn’t two hours; he was here that long total. Much of it was spent talking. Usually he stays four to six hours. But for now, the small visits will need to do. I was simply glad to have him here.

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  8. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica ♡ I can relate to you when it comes to change, I freaking hate it because it TOTALLY SUCKS 😦 So sorry this is all happening right now, but things got to get better sometime,.It may be stormy now but it can’t rain forever 😉 I go to a very dark place as well.So glad you got to see Steve 🙂 I know John will be fine he is one tough guy 🙂 You will be ok as well 🙂 Sending you best wishes always. Much Love and hugs from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean ♡ xxxxx

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  9. Jade — thanks. Can’t rain forever? I guess you’ve never been to Seattle! 😉

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  10. Sorry to hear of your money woes. That must be the cause of many sleepless nights. A laptop sounds like a fine idea, so you can keep up with your work at John’s. Although you could save your documents to the Cloud, then download them and work on them at John’s on his computer. That’s how I am working at present, with a group of others all using the same files. Google Drive might be a possibility for you.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  11. Anon E. Mouse on said:

    I’m not really a fan of change either. My favorite restaurants seem to end up, belly up. Some of the best changes in my life happened when life kicked me screaming and wailing out of a comfortable rut that later I could see was not all that comfortable.

    Money is all too finite and that really does suck.

    Anon E. Mouse

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  12. Hermione — I am so behind the times, I have no idea how the Cloud works. I should educate myself, I suppose. I’ve never Skyped, either.

    Mouse — I like my ruts! I even furnish them. 😉

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  13. Erica, when I was in Uncle Sams Army as a draftee for two years, they had a saying. It was called. SNAFU. ( the letters stand for Situation Normal, All Fucked Up. I think you are going through that phase right now, with what you call CHANGES. Somehow I am sure you will be able to muddle though all these crises that, are besetting you now. So keep your HEAD COOL, and with your VOLUPTOUS BARE BOTTOM HOT. You will make it through in life. XXX I Luv ya.

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  14. Six — I know SNAFU well. It’s a cousin of FUBAR.

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  15. In 100 years it will all seem so funny.

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  16. That really sucks that Steve has to close his business, but it’s good he seems so optimistic about things.

    I’m glad John is doing better, but I hate that he has to deal with more surgeries and tons of medicine.

    I’m sorry everything is changing and seems so unstable right now. As you know, I really dislike change, too. As always, I’m here if you want to talk. (hugs) ♥

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  17. I feel your pain on this matter. I have been through a lot of change as well. As for this woman who has been attacking you; give her contact information you to your friends and let them deal with her. I am sure that they would have her for lunch and she will shut up.

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  18. Anonymous on said:

    Thanks for sharing I can relate and your way with words always helps me in some way! Always sad that you struggle and financially i am so much worse off but your sharing helps to keep me hopeful!

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    • Anonymous — I’m sorry you’re having financial troubles. People say the best things in life are free… but a roof over my head, food, clothing, and peace of mind are worth a great deal to me.

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  19. Anonymous on said:

    It has been a rocky road for you to say the least.
    I hope you get more peaceful new especially regarding John’s health status.

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