More changes

Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I hate change? And uncertainty. I seem to have both in abundance lately.

I don’t want to give away too much of Steve’s private affairs, so I will keep this brief. He is having to close down a business that he has owned and operated for the past eighteen years. He has also recently become an empty nester, so he’s rattling around in a large house he can no longer afford. So… he has to find a new career, and a new place to live. All up in the air right now. Starting over is never easy for anyone, but at age 57, it’s especially challenging. So I am worried about him.

John continues to heal, but he still has a lot of stuff to deal with. He’s still on a gazillion medications and he still has a lot of doctor appointments. In the reasonably near future, he will need two more surgeries: one on his prostate and one on his shoulder. He still has the a-fib and has to take the blood thinners, and now the cardiologists are making noises about putting in a pacemaker. He has made a lot of great strides in the past few months, but he’s a long way from having a clean bill of health. So I am worried about him too.

You know how in recent years, people have taken a hit on some of their investments? Me too. I am not going to go into any more details about that, but suffice it to say that my retirement future is no longer as secure as I once thought it was. I need to work more, quite a bit more. More changes, more uncertainty. And of course, I know what some people are thinking: Marry John! You guys have been together for 19 years (yes, but we’ve never lived together). If I moved into John’s house, and was added to his group health insurance at work, I could save about $2000 a month right there. Only one little problem: I’d rather take a Seconal cocktail and sign off than do that. I don’t want to be married, and John’s place is nice to visit, but I absolutely do not want to live there. I need my place, my space, my autonomy. Without that, my life is worth little to me. Meanwhile, I need new glasses, my car is getting older, I really should get a laptop or a notebook so I can take work with me to John’s or other places when I’m out and about, I need this, I need that… the list is endless. The money, however, is disturbingly finite.

So. I’m worried about me too.

Even my beloved scene is changing, and I’m struggling with that as you all know. Going to Shadow Lane in two weeks, and honestly, after that whole “purist” debacle on FetLife recently, I’m a little nervous about what’s ahead there. That one malcontent bully there made her contempt for me very publicly known. But are there others who are silently judging me? Friendships are changing. Everything is changing!! Hell, even John’s and my favorite restaurant, our go-to for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day for years and years, closed. Can something remain stable and reliable, please??

Today, in the midst of his life being turned upside down, Steve came over for two hours. For that brief time, we were each other’s oasis, one another’s respite. It had been two weeks and we were craving our connection, that symbiotic top/bottom connection. It sounds ridiculous, but receiving that spanking was like getting oxygen. For that little while, my nattering head shut down and I just felt his energy, his hand, his power. I absorbed him like a sponge. Afterward, I clung to him hard, not wanting to let him go. But I had to, and I knew that. He has a lot to handle right now. I need to be a rock for him, as he as for me. The good news is, unlike me, Steve is a very positive and upbeat person. He is a survivor. He doesn’t go to the dark side. So he’s amazingly chipper, considering.

Yeah, I know. Life is about change. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, goddammit!

Enough of that. Back to work for me — and damn grateful I have it.

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