Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Making peace with my butt

This blog was inspired by a tweet; a young woman I follow commented about how her co-workers call her “Big-Booty Judy.” She didn’t seem bothered by it at all. But, reading about it, I had such a powerful, visceral reaction of indignation on her behalf, I had to stop and think about it. If it didn’t upset her, why was it upsetting me so much?

It was a knee-jerk reaction to my days of body dysmorphia; the years of anorexia. The years of hating my body, of wanting to hide it and not wanting it acknowledged in any way. So bizarre that the exhibitionist you know and (hopefully) love used to be that girl, but I was.

Today’s workplaces are a lot more PC than mine were; sexual harassment charges are rampant and people exist in a climate of watching what they say and being apprehensive of giving any sort of compliment, lest it be misconstrued. Please! I was the recipient of many personal comments (and touches) in my early jobs; if I had initiated lawsuits back then, I’d be a freaking millionaire right now. But of course, I didn’t. I just dealt with it, because that’s what you did.

But I hated it. I especially hated any sort of attention to my butt. Because not only did I have all sorts of issues about my body, but I had all those strange feelings and desires around spanking that frightened me, because I thought I was a freak. So I figured the best thing was to, basically, make my butt go away. As well as any other curves on my body. Curves meant fat. Also, curves meant being a sexy woman, and I didn’t want any part of that.

When I was 19, working at a fast-food place (with a passel of horny boys), I was fully immersed in my eating disorders. I remember being light-headed from hunger a lot of the time I was working; even though I could have free food, I worked there over a year and never ate one meal. I was obsessed with my body and keeping it as shrunken as possible. One day, my supervisor (a ginormous perv) asked me, “Have you been exercising lately?” I didn’t exercise back then; I was too weak and exhausted all the time. So I replied, “No, why?” And he said, “Cause your butt’s finally getting some shape to it.”

That wasn’t exercise; that was two pounds I’d put on. Because, despite all my rigorous starvation, I’d sometimes break down, binge and eat everything in sight. That comment completely freaked me out.

I didn’t eat anything for three days.

When did I change? I’m not sure. Maybe in my 30s, when I finally got on meds for depression and they had the blessed side effect of calming my eating disorders. Maybe when I finally embraced my spanking side, and therefore began to embrace my backside as well. Whatever it is, I’m grateful. Because I finally started enjoying having a woman’s body. I liked having a butt. I liked having muscle and tone and flesh instead of protruding bones.

One of my regular commenters often refers to my “voluptuous bare bottom.” I can remember when a comment like that, meant as a compliment, would send me into a tailspin. Now, I recognize it for what it is.

As I often do, I can’t help but feel a stab of regret for my younger self, all the pain I went through, the terrible lack of self-acceptance, the crap I put my body and mind through. But I couldn’t help it. What’s past is past, and while I wish I could have embraced my body earlier in life, at least I was able to at all.

And how’s this for irony? Now, let’s face it, I’m at that age where women’s butts tend to go flat. I’ve definitely noticed a change in mine, a sort of compressing if you will, a little less shape. Years ago, I would have rejoiced this… and now, I’m doing squats and lunges and working like crazy to round the damn thing back out!!

(sigh)

But never fear. As long as y’all went to keep seeing it, I’ll keep showing it. šŸ˜‰

To the women out there in the throes of eating disorders, please know there are other ways to live and feel. And to the women who embrace and accept their bodies, all types, especially the younger ones — on behalf of my broken younger self, I admire you more than I can say. ā™„

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20 thoughts on “Making peace with my butt

  1. Chibob on said:

    Happy belated Birthday. Love reading your blog. I remember your profile on Bondage.com Sorry about your troubled past. I completely understand. When I was young and thought I was weird about spanking there was no internet. Talk about a lonely existence. Best wishes, Chibob

    Like

  2. What a beautiful response to this tweet! šŸ™‚
    Hope many women who need it, read it. You do have some convincing power, with the benefit of ‘hindsight’ don’t you? šŸ˜‰
    Hugs.

    Like

  3. anonymous on said:

    I think your butt looks great. I can’t see any difference in roundness at all. But strictly for your own piece of mind I can tell you that if you are a cardio fan the Cybex Arc Trainer used at 100% resistance is a great muscle builder. Also P90X lower body workouts use several sets of lunges and squats for 60 min sessions. I do 1-2 different workouts of these per week and my ass always hurts the next day…that’s a great bonus! šŸ™‚

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  4. Chibob — was I on Bondage.com? I don’t remember that… maybe you’re thinking Alt.com? And yes, I had no Internet when I was young, either. Very difficult to find kindred spirits.

    MrJ — if I can help any woman who is dealing with this sort of thing, I’m glad. Because it’s a miserable existence.

    Anonymous — oy, I detest cardio. I do the barest minimum I can get away with! But yeah, those squats and lunges with weights will kill your butt. šŸ™‚

    Like

    • Chibob on said:

      The pic of you in purple under “about me” looks familiar. I thought I remembered it from Bondage.com. Maybe I’m just going senile.

      Like

  5. SpankCake on said:

    Erica, what an amazing post… I find myself in a constant love/hate relationship with my own body. Thank you for being so open… it is a gift to the world.

    xo,
    SC

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  6. Great post. I glad you have been able to confront and overcome your demons. You have a beautiful body that includes a very cute butt bare and un-bared. I ejoyed your great wit.

    Like

  7. The media rule women

    Like

  8. richard on said:

    Boys do have our own body issues the husky ones like me want to be thin and muscled i remember putting a belt around my hips to do what i do not recall it took losing most of my positions in a fire to finaly let go and stop biteing my nails and love myself as i am an old chuby hillbilly

    Like

  9. And posts like these are exactly why I (& undoubtedly others) come back to read your blog! Thank you for sharing about yourself in a such an honest way as I do believe it will be helpful to some out there.

    I was with a woman who despite my adoration of her curves and ample bottom had deep body issues. What I thought were complements and positive reinforcements didn’t matter for she always saw her body entirely differently.

    On a lighter note, I worked in an office environment once where the sexual harassment went both ways and yes even males can get harassed.

    Best always,
    Enzo

    Like

  10. SC — thank you, sweet friend. ā™„

    Bob — thank you. Better late than never, I guess.

    Jack — I won’t disagree with that.

    Richard — I know they do.

    Enzo — oh, I believe it. It’s kind of unfair sometimes, how women can get away with so much more in that regard.

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  11. Dear Erica, I hope that regular commentator who says, that he loves that ‘voluptuous bare bottom of your was me’. because it is true. A certain poet wrote once “I love thee, let me count the ways”. For me I love ‘bottoms, and I love to spank these bare bottoms, encased in garter-belt and stockings. They turn me on, and I am proud of that.

    Like

  12. Six — indeed it was. šŸ™‚

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  13. Thank you Erica, you gladden my ‘voluptuous HEART.

    Like

  14. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica ā™” Thank you so very much for writing this blog šŸ™‚ I don’t like my body it’s ugly and I don’t think I an pretty šŸ˜¦ I hope someday I feel different about myself. This helped me so much. You are beautiful my sweet friend ā™” Much Love and hugs always from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean xxxxx ā™”

    Like

  15. Judy makes excellent spanking videos with Dana Kane
    Must see stuff.

    Like

  16. Ian Foster on said:

    I am late to comment, but I think it needs to be said that your many admirers love the way your delightful bottom looks. Clothed, pale or rosy but especially rosy!

    Like

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