Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

So, guess what I watched?

Yup. I had to. For the sake of cultural literacy. For my own curiosity — I had to see if it sucked as badly as I’d imagined it would.

It did. And then some.

What am I talking about, kids? Of course. Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie. I Netflixed it last month, while I was homebound suffering from a stomach bug. I figured I was already nauseated, so what the hell.

I’d like to preface my review with this gleeful tidbit — the nominations for the annual Razzies (the Golden Raspberry Awards, the anti-Oscars, for all the worst in motion pictures) were announced. FSOG leads the pack, with six nominations, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Coupling. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson on screen together were about as hot as soggy leftover pancakes. Last night, Conan O’Brien mentioned the Razzie nominations, and then joked, “When the director heard, she said, ‘Oh dear, I guess I’ll have to be punished!'” Then he mimed spanking himself. I laughed and cringed at the same time.

I won’t go into a thorough review of the movie itself — I mean, by now, everyone in the scene has already watched it, or heard everything about it (hashed and rehashed and argued over to death), so there’s no need for that. Just a few of my own personal observations.

The acting was awful. Last year, I sneeringly referred to Jamie Dornan as “Jamie Doorknob,” and now I see how prescient I was. Because his performance in this film had all the charisma and excitement of, well, a doorknob. And Dakota Johnson could win an Oscar… if they gave Oscars for lip-biting.

My one kudo to the film: At least they dispensed with all that nonsense in the book with Anastasia and her constant dialogue with her “inner goddess.” No mention of that, anywhere. Oh, and that controversial bit in the book where Christian, unwilling to postpone sex, unceremoniously yanks out Ana’s tampon? That was gone too. Small mercies.

ClichΓ©s ran rampant — the whole “You can’t love me, I’m flawed! I’m a sick fuck!” bit, with Christian practically banging his head against the wall over it, and Ana agonizing and lip-biting over it. The “suave man of the world vs. innocent virgin” bit. When he first takes her to the Red Room and he says, “This is where I keep my toys” and she asks, “What, like your XBox?” I almost croaked. Right, Ana, because grown men keep their video games under lock and key.

I won’t even talk about the creepy way he stalked her and practically took over her life. We all know about that part. But of course, because he was so incredibly gorgeous and so fucking rich, he could get away with that sort of thing.

There was lots and lots of sex. Both Jamie and Dakota have nice bodies. Everything was lushly lit and dramatically scored. But… yawwwwwwwwn. Again, no chemistry. No heat. Everything looked and seemed scripted and rote. BDSM 101.

And speaking of BDSM… Now I will talk about the two scenes that pissed me off the most.

Ana, besides chewing on her lip, has a bad habit of rolling her eyes. About two-thirds into the movie (finally!!), Christian says, “You roll your eyes at me one more time and I’m taking you across my knee.” OK, possibly the hottest line in the whole damn thing. And of course, she rolls her eyes again a minute later.

This scene could have been so, so hot. It had such promise. He drags her over to the couch, pulls her over, lifts her skirt and peels her panties down. All good. And then… he gives her three slow, light, half-assed (pun intended) swats.

FSOGspanking

After those three paltry little swats, he then says, “Welcome to my world,” and lets her back up. Um, stop the world, I want to get off. This wasn’t a spanking. This was a tease. If I were to liken this scene to chocolate cake, it was a mere crumb, too inconsequential to even taste.

A huge part of the story is the BDSM contract, which incidentally, Ana never signs, even though they’re engaging in all sorts of play and sex and so forth. In the big dramatic finish (thank goodness, it’s almost over), she is desperate to know exactly what “punishment” would entail. He is holding back, itching to show her, but knowing it would be wrong. She insists. “Do it. Punish me. Show me what it would be like.” She pushes and pushes for it until he finally, reluctantly gives in. By now, we’re thinking he’s going to do God-knows-what to her.

He takes her to the dungeon and bends her over a table. “Are you sure?” “Yes.” He gives her every possible option to back out. He reminds her of her safe word. Nope, she wants it. So what is her dreaded punishment?

Six strokes with a strap.

Bitch, please. That’s not punishment. That’s freaking foreplay.

The scene itself is lame — of course, Ms. Johnson doesn’t really want her sweet young flesh tainted with strap marks, so we never see impact, just Jamie swinging the strap and Dakota’s agonized face. We hear the strokes, and hear her weepy voice doing the count.

When it’s over, he goes to hold her. She angrily pushes him away. “Don’t touch me! You are NEVER doing that to me again!” and she storms out of the room and out of his life.

Um, what? She asked him to do it. She insisted that he do it. He didn’t want to, remember? Hypocrisy, much? All this time, she’s been engaging in all manner of kinky-fuckery with him. She put up with his stalking, his coldness, his arrogance and other assorted bad behaviors. Then he gives her a small taste of what she asked for, and she pulls the righteous, wounded damsel card? She then suddenly grows a pair, gives him back all his gifts and she’s outta there.

Of course, we know it’s not really over. We know this is going to drag on and on into two more films. Ugh.

So, even though I wasted two hours of my life, I’m glad I watched it. Now I can speak from experience. Now people can’t say to me, “Well, you don’t know, you haven’t seen it.” Now I know. It’s a POS film made from an even bigger POS book.

Good luck at the Razzies, FSOG. May the worst film win.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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27 thoughts on “So, guess what I watched?

  1. They definitely could have done better …When he pulled her over his lap, that was great set up for scene….But, NO….Those last 6 were the best thing in the movie but then it ended…
    I watch a movie called Bound and another called the Submission of Emma Marx which was so much better…Had more spanking and bdsm content…Ck them out.

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  2. I was curious enough about it to put it in my Netflix queue. I have now removed it. Thanks for saving me two ours from my life. -BlueMark

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  3. Sarah made me go watch this with her, she had read the books of course. I just thought it was a load of old shit. What a yawnfest. I had to put up with this, at least I got to fondle her in the cinema and grab her ass in my own deviant way!!! I’m sure it will do well at The Razzies!

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  4. Nancy — I will look into those, thanks.

    Mark — ha! You’re welcome. πŸ™‚

    John — blech! Well, at least you got to go home with the real hot kinky girl. πŸ˜€

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  5. We saw it when it came out, out of curiosity and because there’s something a little thrilling about watching something kinky in a public theater. We had extremely low expectations, and of course it was awful in many ways, but I did think some of it was at least hot. I really enjoyed the spanking scene, except it did turn out to be a tease. I shared your outrage with the ending. It was completely ridiculous and made no sense. If she was going to freak out about it like that, they could have at least given us a more lengthy spanking scene. Pretty obvious that the writer doesn’t know anything about real life BDSM and simply wrote a wildly unrealistic fantasy. I also disliked the way it ultimately portrayed being kinky as “fifty shades of fucked up.”

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  6. Lily — yes! When he blurted, “Noooo! You can’t love meeee!” I nearly gagged. The spanking scene irked the hell out of me because it really could have been so much hotter… but they bailed on it. I guess I should be glad they had it at all, but… arggghh.

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  7. Anonymous on said:

    I’m glad you were able to reserve judgment until you actually saw the film πŸ™‚ And it’s important that you didn’t pay anything to watch it. I think you should have been paid to be a spanking consultant for the movie as that First Spanking of 2016 photo *was* very hot.

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  8. Trevor on said:

    Great review, and thanks for subjecting yourself to that twaddle for the good of the rest of us, who now don’t have to. I was actually tempted to read the first book recently (saw it in a 2nd hand shop) just to see how really bad it is, but I didn’t, I pulled back! Early on, I was interested by the hype, but when I found out it was a standard female fantasy at its core (millionaire handsome single man picks up innocent girl) with some exotic flavour thrown in I was disgusted that it was so predictable. Just as boring as standard male fantasy (big tits and lots of pumping) – still, worked for her, made her lots of money!

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  9. Anonymous — nah, really didn’t reserve judgment, just confirmed it. πŸ˜‰

    Trevor — whenever I think about how much money E L James made with that crap, I feel like I’m chewing tin foil.

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  10. Erica, I must differ with you on your review of “50 Shades of Grey”. You saw it as an expert into the BDSM scene. Ana was portrayed as a NOVICE. Except for some of the spanking movies, you made for Epic, which I liked. Most of the videos these days that I view, are SUB PAR. I also saw “50 Shades of Grey”, as a LOVE STORY, just as I did with the movie “Secretary”. XXX Luv ya.

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  11. Six — we’ll agree to disagree on this one. There was no love in this story.

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  12. You ROCK, Erica!! I LOVE this review because I respect you SOOOOO MUCH.. I’m glad I haven’t seen it and now I won’t! I would REALLY love to meet you sometime for lunch or dinner and chat… I think we have the some tastes!! Great writing from a great woman!! – Dale

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  13. Dale — well, thank you. πŸ™‚ Happy to save friends from egregious time-wasters.

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  14. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica β™‘ Thank you so very much, for the review, I wanted to see it but now I don’t. I know everything I need to know about it now πŸ™‚ I saw previews of it on youtube and I agree with you about everything πŸ™‚ That Otk spanking scene could of been so hot I don’t call a few light swats a spanking either. Wishing you and John a great weekend. Much Love and hugs always from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean xxxxx β™‘ β™‘ β™‘

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  15. Jade — the best of it is probably on YouTube. πŸ™‚

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  16. Erica! You cannot do as if the eye rolling thing is unique for this particular gal!

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  17. MrJ — um… no, I wasn’t?

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  18. Craig Aych on said:

    All accurate and spot-on, but you missed my favorite hole in the script: how did he know what club she went to visit to be able to “rescue” her?

    I’ve seen boxes of cornflakes that provided more compelling entertainment than that film.

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  19. I had the books on my kindle but never got around to reading them. They have been since deleted. I figured the movie would be crap when they announced the cast and then Kim Kardashian loved the movie. That increased the ick factor for me and I said no. Glad I didn’t see it.

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  20. I watched this movie several months ago when I had a free weekend of HBO or something like that. I didn’t go in with high expectations, I mean I knew it hadn’t been written by you, produced by Sarah Gregory and directed by Todd Haynes. But even with my expectations lower than a late ’70s hemline I was still disappointed. The movie started out trite and mundane and proceeded to head in the same trajectory as last quarter’s stock prices. The lead couple displayed less chemistry than a junior high school science fair volcano and was far less volatile. This movie had fewer parts that worked than a Yugo and less value than a shredded beach ball.
    But I’ve spent enough time talking about it’s better points and I don’t want to waste a lot of time dwelling on the negative. I was shocked to see that FSOG actually received 25% fresh reviews at the congregate review site Rotten Tomatoes. Leaving me to believe that 1 out of 4 critics fell asleep early in the picture and just made something up later on.

    Your own non-review, review was spot-on in everyway possible. The ending simply left me flabbergasted for all the reasons you gave. I rank the ending of 50 at the bottom of my movie list with The Village and The Mist.

    Thank you for your blog. I read almost every posting. Sorry for not commenting more often.

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  21. I won’t see that, but I’ve lived it. There really are women who will behave that way.

    Back before the internet, when I was young and had only magazines for my kink, I shared them with a woman. She seemed interested.

    Later she came out of my bedroom carrying one of my shoes, giving me the eye over something silly. I told her, “If you throw that shoe at me, I will certainly spank you.”

    She threw it of course. I spanked her of course. It was a real spanking. I left no bruises, but she knew her bare butt had been spanked for real.

    Outrage! Stormed out. Took her stuff. A real Dakota scene as you describe it.

    Later she came back. I was young enough to let her. Didn’t work.

    Real people are messed up just that way. Doesn’t work out.

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  22. I’m probably one of the few people left on the planet that had never read the books and have no intention of seeing the movie. I tried to read the book, mainly to see what the hype was about. It is one of the very few books that I have left unread.

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  23. Kelly — pretty much anything Kim Kardashian likes is a big NO for me.

    Phil — guess you didn’t like it, huh? Thanks for commenting. πŸ™‚

    Mark — what a shame. Her loss, certainly.

    KB — wise decision.

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    • I learned a lot from that episode. First times can be really hot, but not by doing what this movie did. Also not by doing what I did that time.

      The heat would come from a focus on submission to spanking, and on discovering what a spanking meant, and continuing as it is discovered. That could make a good movie. This entirely failed to understand, even worse than I did early on.

      The worse acting failure was his. Clueless what it was about. She was supposed to be clueless, that was the point of the scene, but it should not have been a disaster, it should have been hot.

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  24. Anonymous on said:

    As you know, Melanie Griffith is Dakota Johnson’s mother. Melanie was in a 1981 movie “She’s In The Army Now”. There is one scene where her estranged husband tells her “he has half a mind to tan (paddle?) her bee-hind” Melanie replies, “well at least you’re correct about one thing, you do only have half a mind!”
    I never forgot that saucy, rapier-like comeback. In my opinion Melanie and her former husband Don Johnson were one of the hottest couple ever, just loaded with sexual tension – – I’m sure they were no strangers to the world of erotic spanking.

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