Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 2/5

Yes, kids, it’s that time again! Didn’t think I’d be able to sneak this in today as I was busy with work, but I finished in time and have some to spare before I head to John’s. So, enjoy.

dear bottom,
i would love to spank your bottom until it is very red and you are soaking wet. i have a collection of tools and a bondage bench for women just like you. I can introduce you to some very kinky bottom play.

You know, I do have a name. But let’s overlook that for a moment. What I can’t overlook is that you call yourself “Doctor Enema.” No, thanks.

Hi wats up bb wanna have fun

Big surprise, I ignored this one. And then the next day, same guy:

Hi sexxy I love to spank some ass n then I will licked n fucked rough

N then I deleted this one too.

The next one falls under the “Did you even read my profile?” subhead:

hi, I’m xxxx,
I am seeking a slave to serve and please my Dom. i have fallen ill & can not serve as i used too. if you ever had this fantasy of serving as a slave and being used for a man’s pleasure, or if you have served before. then please take a look at our profile. My Sir is is a well known Fetish Photographer, that is why we have a playroom/dungeon. Sir has a huge cock (tho he’ll deny it) which he loves to use on moaners or screamers, he loves anal (which he does really really well). lol we are just trying to find sluts willing to have him take you as many times he pleases, who won’t ever say no to his cock, & who are clean. 

I’m so sorry. But I’m afraid that after reading this crap, I have fallen ill as well. Perhaps he can photograph my ass as I walk away.

And finally, this one was extra special. First, the message:

i’m xxxxx
i luv 2 spank u with my bare hand
i understand u hav a regular playmate, but i’d luv 2 paddle ur fanny. 
Ha! i didn’t say ass–lol.
I’m obsessed with boobs, I still think fart’n is funny, and my funniest humor is naughty/inappropriate. Do you think you can handle me?
talk 2 me
xoxo

And then, his profile description:

An easy-going, educated, conservative, patriotic, God-fearing Dominant Veteran
in search of a sexy, low-maintenance, easy-going, conservative, patriotic, God-fearing (no muslims or athiests. agnostics ok) sub. 

How many things can be wrong with one correspondence? (I won’t even go into the picture he had on his profile — shudder.) And if he’s so educated, why does his message make a texting teenager look like a rocket scientist?

Let’s review, shall we, Mr. ‘Murica? I’m not a sub, I don’t have enough boobage for you to obsess over, I’m hardly easy-going. Oh, and did I mention that I’m indeed an atheist (and I know how to spell it correctly), I’m pro-choice, and I voted for Obama? Twice? No Muslims, huh? How do you feel about Jews? Nah, probably don’t like them much either.

You may not have said ass, but you certainly are one. Go wave your flag somewhere else.

Ah, I feel a little better now. I’m a bit grumpy today, having found out that my @#$%ing dental insurance does not cover root canals after all, and I have to pay for the one I had in December in full. What the hell? What kind of dental insurance doesn’t have any coverage, at least in part, for a root canal? Arrrgh. Oh well. Guess I need to switch providers, which is always a hoot and a holler. Never mind, life goes on, and I’m off to see my sweetheart.

Have a great weekend, y’all. 🙂

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11 thoughts on “Correspondence Hall of Shame, 2/5

  1. Questergirl on said:

    This is why I don’t go to FetLife very often. LOL It makes people who don’ t know you think that they can read between the lines of your profile and decide that you really DO want to be their sub, you just haven’t come across the right Dom yet, meaning them.

    As for the crappy dental insurance, at my old job my insurance covered part of the temporary filling and the crown, but it still would’ve cost a thousand dollars for the crown, which I was never going to be able to come up with, so I’ve been keeping the temporary filling going for over four years now, in an eye tooth yet.

    Like

  2. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hiya Erica ♡ WOW you have some bloody morons that contact you. They can’t even spell etc LOL but I do enjoy reading what they say it’s hilarious. Me thinks they are daft. When you said one person calls himself Doctor Enema I couldn’t stop laughing HAHAHAHAHA LMAO 😉 So sorry that your insurance won’t pay for your dental work that’s stupid and it sucks 😦 Wishing you and John a Lovely weekend. Much Love and hugs always from naughty girl Jade/ Emily Jean ♡ xxxxxx

    Like

  3. Robert on said:

    I am sorry you receive messages like this but look for to when you post and comment on them here. You are a nintelligent beautiful women who does not deserve receiving this crap. You have a good weekend as well.

    Like

  4. Anonymous on said:

    Let me see now, we have here:

    An asshole that calls himself Doctor Enema…how appropriate!

    Several walking indictments of the American education system.

    A veteran who exemplifies the term entitlement.

    Anon E. Mouse

    Like

  5. Anonymous on said:

    Most of it was pretty unbelievable, but Sir’s huge cock rose to new heights.

    Of course Sir will deny it…because they all do! In fact, Sir probably has it as a profile picture, so that *all* can confirm it’s perfect, if rather large, but not huge.

    Like

  6. Q. — actually, none of these were from FetLife this time. This week’s classless selection was brought to you by Alt.com. 🙂

    Jade — yes, I certainly do!

    Robert — it’s OK. I do have fun with it. 😉

    Mouse — yeah, that about covers it.

    Anonymous — (snicker)

    Like

  7. You get some very “interesting” mail; I get the water bill.

    Like

  8. Nothing to add to the eloquent words of Mouse. 😉

    Like

  9. bklynny — oh, I get those too. At least this crappy correspondence doesn’t cost me anything! 🙂

    MrJ — yup, that said it all.

    Like

  10. I always love your CHoS posts. You get some real doozies! Doesn`t Fetlife have a spellcheckerÉ (Sorry, the question mark and the apostrophe on my keyboard aren“t operating properly today.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    Like

  11. Hermione — I think Spellchecker is everywhere, but people ignore it! Or they don’t care that their stuff is misspelled. Some people are almost belligerently proud of screwing up the English language. (Those of us who try to fix it are called “grammar Nazis,” according to them.)

    Like

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