Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

A reader’s question & a question for my readers

After my last post, I got a thought-provoking comment regarding the thigh slaps from Steve. Reader Mark commented that it’s clear that Steve doesn’t do anything to me that I don’t really want, so why exactly do I like having my thighs spanked, and why did I want it this time?

It’s not really that I like having my thighs spanked. That is what I’d call a soft limit; it’s not something I crave, and I certainly don’t want every top I play with to do that. But it’s not an absolute NO either. It’s a bit of edge play, a little boundary testing. I do have fun pushing my tops a bit, with teasing and provocative comments. But I like them to push back a little too. If they don’t react, then it isn’t any fun.

While I don’t get into spanking for true punishment, I do get off on a disciplinary side to it — more of a head space than physical discomfort. In the stories I read, tops have all sorts of secondary activity aside from spanking to send the bottom a message — things like butt plugs, ginger, capsaicin cream or mouth-soaping. All of which come under the heading of NO FUCKING WAY for me. So, the smacks to the thighs are Steve’s go-to for when I push him too far. He doesn’t hit that hard, never uses anything but his hand… he doesn’t need to. That area is so very sensitive, it doesn’t take much. But those few strikes will put me in a different head space. I hate the pain, I feel angry at first, then I shift into a more compliant state, my body relaxes, I move into acceptance. I stop fighting. My edginess softens. I give myself over.

What can I say — it’s all part of these oh so fun and twisted games we play.

And while we’re on the subject of soft limits and kink things we’re not all that crazy about, I have an informal poll for my bottom/sub/DD or D/s practicing readers, whatever you choose to call yourselves.

Say there’s something kink-wise that you don’t really care for, but your top/dom/whatever loves it. Say it’s not one of your hard limits, and the next time you’re scening, he says he’d like you to do X. (As I always do, for simplicity’s sake, I’m assuming the M/F orientation. Feel free to switch it up in your mind.) You groan and say, “Oh, do I have to?”

Which of the following two answers would you prefer to hear? (in a calm, deliberate tone, of course)

A: “You know better than to ask me that. Yes, you have to, because I said so.”

B: “No, you don’t have to; this is about consent. Use your safeword if you need to. But it would please me if you did it — do you want to please me?”

Think about it. I would love to hear from my readers on this, before I reveal my own preference and why. I don’t want people to agree with me; I want their real opinion.

It’s Friday. It’s dark and cloudy and raining. I have a clean apartment, clean laundry and freshly shampooed carpets. I’m heading for John’s tonight. For the moment, I am feeling somewhat peaceful.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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23 thoughts on “A reader’s question & a question for my readers

  1. That I certainly can follow: that transcending a soft limit has a similar signalling effect as some secondary disciplinary measures -m though I would compare it more to butt butt plugging, line writing or cornertime than to something pretty intrusively painful like ginger.
    On your question: B is the kind of drive that counts as my my beloved one’s self-propellant; but in order to make that one work, I have to make myself clear, which for her in most cases works better with A.

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  2. As for me, I definitely prefer A, because it goes without saying between us that he watches out for my overall well-being and will never push too far. And it is just so toppy, too.

    For me, B hits me the wrong way (no pun intended). It pushes my buttons in a not so good way, and seems a bit like manipulating or guilting me to do it by inferring that if I didn’t then I don’t care about pleasing him. I do not respond well to guilt.

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  3. Anonymous on said:

    I guess we are quite boreing but neither appeals to us. Spanking is not for punishment so there is no “you have to do this” and there is no safe word…so neither. I guess there is no real aggression behind our spankings so there is no force and the concent given and received is constantly re-discussed and reinforced.

    Sorry for being such a wet rag!
    Downunder Don

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  4. anonymous on said:

    I don’t have a regular spanking partner. But a soft limit for me would be either corner time or thigh spankings. My thighs are more sensitive to pain than my ass so if I wanted a lasting disciplinary type spanking a ??? amt of cane or strap marks to the upper thigh would get the point across to me…eventually! LOL!!!
    I think corner time is juvenile and totally removed from the pleasure/thrill/pain of the spanking scene but if a top REALLY wanted to send me there, I’d go-WITH a fight of course. I think I’m going to rename myself Katniss Everdeen since I just watched the 2nd movie from The Hunger Games phenomenon. πŸ™‚

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  5. MrJ — wait a minute here; ginger is intrusively painful, but butt plugging isn’t? πŸ˜‰

    Pam — noted, thanks. (Not stating any opinion one way or another, yet.)

    Don — no need for apologies. There are no wrong answers with this, just preferences/opinions.

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  6. A. — your comment came in as I was commenting. I wonder how many girl babies have been named Katniss in recent years? πŸ™‚

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  7. Bobbie Jo on said:

    I don’t like either one. I don’t get into that top/bottom banter like you and others do. Not my cup of tea. However, my top does push the limits sometimes so there are times when I have to use my safe word. She has pulled a couple of sneaky ones on me with the implements and I was ok with that. However, I do have a hard limit when it comes to rubber implements. So, what does she do? She sneaked one in yesterday! It was not hard, but it did get my attention just a little because it felt so different. I was ok with it for that time. After all, I did tell her she could use what she wanted as long as she was easier on me this time. Hmmm. Now what part of “easier” the 28 cane strokes come under?!!

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  8. ValleysPixie on said:

    With the deep trust I had with My Chap, a relationship now sadly ended, I would say our own version of A. Tbh though, we rarely had these sorts of exchanges as he was a wonderfully enthusiastic fun bunny.

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  9. I think that if I heard A I would go all quivery. Such a dominant response. I agree with the substance of B, though. It would be my choice, and I always want to please him. But in real life I wouldn’t even object at all; I would simply comply.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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  10. Simon on said:

    Like a few others I don’t really like either. I’m a male submissive (mostly) and over the years my Mistress has suggested things which I have had no experience of and am uncertain whether I want to try them. She certainly wouldn’t use A and B isn’t our style. Whilst there are some things I am dead set against I have been persuaded to try others. Some I enjoyed, some I dislike and others I hate. The ones I enjoy become regular treats, the ones I dislike but will endure are sometimes still done because I know she enjoys doing them to me and the others are abandoned. For example I don’t enjoy thigh strapping or caning, it’s extremely painful but because she likes my reactions and the fact that it leaves such impressive marks it is something that I will accept occasionally.

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  11. Bobbie Jo — banter and role-play is not for everyone, true.

    ValleysPixie — John and I call each other “bunny” as well. πŸ™‚

    Hermione — good points for both choices, I like that.

    Simon — thank you for chiming in! I’m always afraid I intimidate other orientations when I simplify my examples to M/F — it certainly isn’t my intention.

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  12. i prefer A….definatley A.

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  13. a. I definetely prefer A.

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  14. Mark on said:

    “While I don’t get into spanking for true punishment, I do get off on a disciplinary side to it β€” more of a head space”

    That enlarges the question a bit.

    We would not do a spanking if she drove home drunk. That is too serious and real. We would for “attitude.” Why we spank has a right spot too, which I think is implied in what I quoted.

    She knows she pleases me, and she knows I would not go past her yelp of a real problem. She would not want me to say that, mood wrecking.

    But she would not want me to seem a bully either. So neither. Just tell her, then shut up and spank.

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  15. Anonymous on said:

    IMHO, spanking is not unlike kissing: a sensual exchange that enhances sexual pleasure of both partners–not of just one of them.

    Unlike kissing, spanking is distasteful to many. If either partner finds no pleasure in spanking, then it should not be part of a relationship.

    People must strive to value, love, and forgive unconditionally as God loves and forgives. (I write this knowing you profess atheism.) If this statement is accepted as true, then it should not be administered to an unwilling individual–as punishment or otherwise.

    I am responding because your blog comes across to me as the words of one who seems to care about people but only because caring is much of who you are, not because you seek approval. You are secure in who you are (although not invulnerable–no one is).

    I cannot know why you ask your readers this question, but I am guessing you are interested in hearing from people who refuse to view other people as objects to be exploited for their pleasure or profit.

    My best to you and to all who enrich your life.

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  16. unrepentant & KB — noted.

    Mark — interesting how several are choosing neither. I really should have said “I do get off on a PSEUDO-disciplinary side.” Because it’s not real for me, but I love the pretense of it.

    Anonymous — I asked the question under the assumption of a trusted and consensual relationship/partnership. I don’t think I’d want either A or B from someone I don’t know, unless we had one of those incredible immediate connections that one sometimes has, but even so, the top would be taking a huge risk in making those sorts of comments to a stranger.

    As far as people being objects, I tread carefully there, because there are those who actually like being objectified! (in a kinky play realm) I’m not one of them, however.

    Thank you for sharing!

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    • Mark on said:

      Exactly. A scene if pretense done for pleasure. Reality has an entirely different feel, especially when it comes as guilt and sorrow and anger or fear for what could have happened — not fun, not sexy.

      There are more choices than A and B.

      One friend wanted to me tell her she belonged to me and belonged over my knee; she more than anyone I’ve known belonged to no one, but she wanted to hear it then.

      Others have liked to hear they will get all of this because they deserve it, but of course that is a pseudo-deserve of pseudo-discipline.

      I’m sure there are a lot more. It would be fun to hear some of them.

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  17. Chibob on said:

    I guess the short answer would be neither. We don’t even like the word spanking because it is synonymous with punishment. Or literally is punishment when all I like to do is slap her butt. No other reason needed.

    We do have red, yellow, green in place but it’s not needed because I learned a long time ago that fantasies about hard butt smacks are a lot more of a turn on than the real thing. I hate to see her cry and those hard ones leave marks that don’t go away in a few hours and then I feel guilty about it.

    We looked at the Spenser Spanking plan a long time ago only because of the results she claimed. ie an indestructible marriage. It was rejected because we don’t like the whole punishment thing. We don’t even like to assign blame for things that happen. We both know neither of us would intentionally do something to hurt our relationship and shit happens. It’s part of life.

    On another subject, since learning you are a copy editor I get really self conscience about my grammar and sentence structure when commenting now.

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  18. Bob — sounds like you both simply enjoy the sensation play and don’t get into the roles and fantasies and so forth. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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  19. Pam on said:

    It has been a few days now, and you have even written a subsequent post. When do we get to hear the big reveal into the thoughts inside that great mind of yours? Often I have a sense what you are thinking, but this time I am stumped and can hear you saying either/neither/both of the choices.

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  20. Pam — it’s coming, I promise! I’m glad you couldn’t figure it out; I really didn’t want to influence anyone’s answer. πŸ™‚

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  21. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hiya Erica β™‘ I would have to go with the letter A, It’s because something about that gives my stomach butterflies lol. I do like banter and role play it’s so much fun lol. I can’t wait for you to give your answer as to which one you will pick πŸ™‚ Much Love and hugs always from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean xxxxx β™‘

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  22. Jade — I’ll write about it soon, promise.

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