Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

My answer to my question

Last week, I tossed out a mini-poll to readers — rather than restate, I will paste what I wrote:

I have an informal poll for my bottom/sub/DD or D/s practicing readers, whatever you choose to call yourselves.

Say there’s something kink-wise that you don’t really care for, but your top/dom/whatever loves it. Say it’s not one of your hard limits, and the next time you’re scening, he says he’d like you to do X. (As I always do, for simplicity’s sake, I’m assuming the M/F orientation. Feel free to switch it up in your mind.) You groan and say, “Oh, do I have to?”

Which of the following two answers would you prefer to hear? (in a calm, deliberate tone, of course)

A: “You know better than to ask me that. Yes, you have to, because I said so.”

B: “No, you don’t have to; this is about consent. Use your safeword if you need to. But it would please me if you did it — do you want to please me?”

Something I probably should have clarified: I’m aware that A and B don’t represent the wide variety of possible answers. If I’d wanted to broaden the scope of the poll, I could have added more, like:

C: Neither. I don’t care for roleplay/scene banter.

D: Neither. I would choose to comply right away without resistance.

E: Neither. We play for fun only, so there is nothing done that pushes limits.

And so on. However, I had a specific purpose in mind — narrowing the choice down to those two, because I was curious about the knee-jerk reaction to them and what readers thought.

So what’s my choice? Mine is A.

I can hear some of you out there. “What?? Since when? No one tells Erica what to do.” Ah, but remember the context. This is within scene with a trusted top. I have already chosen to give my choices over to him. And within that frame, him asserting his will is hot as hell.

But what about B? Isn’t that preferable because it makes it clear that the choice is mine? Not as I see it. In fact, I think A and B are the same — they both take my choice away (so to speak, because, as mentioned, I’ve chosen to give it away). How is B taking my choice away, rather than giving it back to me? Because, if I were in submissive mode, or if I were a submissive player, a lot of my scene well-being would hinge upon pleasing my top. So, when he says, “No, of course you don’t have to, but if you want to please me, you will,” then that’s my answer. Implied is the continuation: “And if you don’t, I won’t be pleased with you.” Which is passive-aggressive and manipulative, IMO. Screw that. The top is saying it’s the bottom’s choice, but it really isn’t. I’d much rather be flat-out “ordered” to do something than be psychologically coerced into it by the implied threat of disapproval/disappointment.

Thoughts?

By the way, does anyone know if Chross is OK? He hasn’t posted since April 30.

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12 thoughts on “My answer to my question

  1. Jadelyn Mathias on said:

    Hiya Erica ♡ Somehow I had a feeling you would choose A 🙂 I am so happy that you did because that’s what I chose 😉 I agree I would rather, give my choices to my Top then to me. My spankings are for Punishment, it would kind of like be, defeating the purpose if I get to choose all the punishments LOL 🙂 I Love you my sweet friend ♡ hugs always from naughty girl Jade / Emily Jean xoxoxoxo ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

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  2. I can follow your point on manipulation. May be that is why in our relationship, as I wrote, B only works as a self/propellant for her, not as something I could fruitfully – lastingly do.

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  3. Anonymous on said:

    Oh Erika, What a twisted thought…When thinking about the questions I had not even thought about that answer. So, yes, A does make alot of sense and is preferable.
    Downunder Don

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  4. Jade — thanks. 🙂

    MrJ — got it.

    Don — I’m a twisted sort. And who is Erika?

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  5. Mark on said:

    “Which is passive-aggressive and manipulative, IMO. Screw that.”

    When you put it like that, it explains exactly why it is such a mood-killer.

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  6. Mark — I am nothing if not blunt.

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  7. Terri on said:

    I couldn’t agree more about manipulation etc. and it’s a total turn-off

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  8. Didn’t surprise me you chose A. Mine would be the same.

    Not heard anything about Chross. Have emailed him but no reply yet. Will let you know if he gets back to me.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  9. Terri — I don’t like being manipulated or coerced in any part of my life.

    Ronnie — getting concerned now! I hope he is OK.

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  10. Chibob on said:

    Well, now I feel admonished for choosing neither. However, in my own defense you did not clarify that you had a specific purpose in mind.

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  11. Chibob — I didn’t mean to make people feel admonished. As I said, I should have clarified more. I sometimes forget that people can’t read my mind.

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