It was 20 years ago today…
Yeah, I know, I’m dating myself with that song lyric, but whatever.
I’ve had a whole lot of “firsts” over the past twenty years. But on Memorial Day 1996, the ultimate first happened. Possibly even more monumental than the first time I had sex. On that Monday twenty years ago, I crossed over the line between fantasy and reality. After years and years of wondering and dreaming and fantasizing, at last I knew what it was like to be spanked for real.
And, as I’ve said many times in the past, it was even better than I’d imagined. I still live in the same apartment as I did then. I can look around and picture that day — the nerves, the excitement, the intensity, the sheer joy. The way my legs shook when I looked in the mirror and checked out my spanked backside for the very first time. I can still call up the man’s image in my head and hear his voice, even though he disappeared from my life as quickly as he came into it.
Twenty years! So many memories. So many spankings; hundreds, at least. Parties large and small. Video shoots. Thousands of words I’ve written, what with three books and countless posts (forums, blogs, FetLife, etc.). The parade of friends and play partners over the years. Gales of laughter. Buckets of tears. Sweet moments that touched my heart, and losses that broke it.
So many broken implements. 🙂
And, with the exception of the first three months, John has been with me through it all. ♥
The first few years involved a lot of fumbling and stumbling about, trying to figure it all out and determine my place in this new world. I think things began to fully solidify for me when Erica Scott was born in 2000. I have to laugh. Despite the evidence to the contrary in this old body, Erica Scott is merely a teenager.
When I was going through my darkness a couple of months ago, I was telling Steve how I felt like I mattered to no one and I could just disappear. That I was nobody. He said something like,”Erica Scott isn’t nobody,” to which I answered, “Erica Scott doesn’t exist.” That’s not true. She does. She’s me. Rather, she’s fully enmeshed within the soul and psyche of Erica [real name] — crazy, complicated, square peg me. As long as I live, Erica Scott will live too.
There is a sad irony to this occasion, and I’m a little embarrassed about it, honestly. On a day where the country is acknowledging so many brave souls who died, I am celebrating the day where a huge part of me began to live.
Where will TTWD take me from here? I have no idea. But I hope you’ll all stick around with me to find out.
Because, for now, I’m not going anywhere. 🙂