Reflections on relationships
Next week, on Thursday, John and I will be together for twenty-two years. On Friday, we will head for yet another Shadow Lane party. That’s sort of become our anniversary celebration. I will be very busy for the next week or so, so I figured I’d squeeze in a post here so y’all won’t think I’ve disappeared.
John and I never married, and we don’t live together. And yet we have been through so much in our years. Countless laughs, many tears. Many of life’s passages, including the losses of both our parents, job losses/transitions, and an illness and open heart surgery that nearly took him from me. When I first met him, he was living in an apartment; now he owns two homes. We’ve shared so many things, so many events. To this day, he still makes me laugh like no other. To this day, no one knows me better than he does.
We love each other. ♥
Here is the part that continually baffles me. I must be doing something right, being able to maintain this relationship for so long. And yet, it seems I cannot keep any other kind of relationship for any length of time. Friends, play partners, etc. They come into my life, they exit. Sometimes the exits are dramatic, sometimes they just fade out. Sometimes they ghost. Sometimes, they’re still there, but otherwise preoccupied. Online, I have several people who enjoy communicating with me. People who don’t even know me send me beautiful words like these:
I’m writing to make sure you understand that there are many, many people out there just like me who appreciate and admire you. You may not know this, but you’ve been an inspiration to so many of us, with your blog, with the films you’ve been in, with your humor and honesty. With your politics. Also, if you’ll forgive me, your incredibly spankable bottom. 🙂
The above is real, and it moved me to tears. But if I’m this wonderful, why don’t people stay?
And for those who are wondering who I’m talking about — please don’t. This post is cumulative. This post is, sadly, about many.
Is this just the nature of today’s relationships? Are we all so busy, so distracted, so caught up in social media and work and life’s constant barrage of insanity that we don’t have time to invest in lasting closeness? Are we torn in too many different directions? The irony is that in today’s age, it’s easier than ever to connect to people. You don’t even have to go anywhere. You can Skype, you can text, you can email. You don’t even have to talk on the phone if you don’t want to (and I don’t). It takes mere seconds to fire off a text to someone. A “Hi, really busy, but thinking of you,” or “Hi, just wanted to say I love you.” And yet, we’re more disconnected than ever.
Or is it that I’m a fatally flawed human who can’t keep people in my immediate circle? Am I not interesting enough, in person? Fun enough? Kinky enough? Available enough? Are John and I together this long because we’re both social square pegs and birds of a feather and all that?
Because I am an introvert and somewhat reclusive, it’s true I don’t open my heart to many. I don’t have the time or patience for acquaintances and small talk. But when I do open that door, it is fully open; I am loving, supportive, deeply loyal. Lately, I’m beginning to wonder if I should simply seal my heart away for good. Because there isn’t much of it left. Over the years, so many people have come in, taken what they needed, and left the rest behind. I’m getting too old for this shit.
So, another party. The sweet torture of being thrust into three days of noise and crowds, feeling overwhelmed, and talking more in those three days than I do in six months — and yet loving it because I’m among my people. Because I can play to my heart’s content. As seems to be the case every damn time now, I haven’t been spanked for a couple of months, so I’m feeling out of condition and worried that the play will be too much for me. And of course, then there’s the other part of me that’s afraid the people I want to play with, won’t want to play with me. But I’ve gone through the proper motions. I bought new panties and a couple of new dresses. I will get my hair cut, get a pedicure. Fake it till you make it (although I detest that expression).
My heart is not in it right now. But I will take my body into it, and hopefully my heart and spirit and joyous spanko side will follow. I will have my beloved with me. The man who has stayed.
Enough of that. Work has gotten busy again, for which I am grateful. Sorry I’ve been MIA. For those who want to see pictures, here ya go. My new panties.
And here’s a butt shot from a few months ago. No, I haven’t let myself go and disappeared into a vat of bonbons. I’m too fucking vain for that. :-Þ
Part of me thinks it may have been a mistake to start this blog up again, but I’m not going to make another dramatic exit. I will write when time allows and when the spirit moves me. When I have something to say.
Until then, have a good weekend, y’all. And be kind to each other.
Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking 
Erica,
No, you should not close your heart off. There is nothing wrong with you. Some friendships are just for a season….. sometimes that is painful and sometimes it isn’t.
I would say the problem is not you with maintaining friendships with the way you described everything here. We are often so preoccupied with what others are going to think, with self examining too much that we often miss the fact that this is the very same thing other people are thinking. So much anxiety, social or otherwise. So much self reflection. I think everyone gets lost in themselves. And the more we look around to connect and keep those connections, the harder it gets sometimes.
I will say that I am pretty new to the online kink community and at a very low level as I just have a ttwd blog. But, I can say that the couple of friendships I have made through emails …… I firmly believe in the power of the written word……. these couple of new friends are going to be lifetime friends……. we actually talk about that……. I did not get to know these gals through lighthearted questions or what did you have for dinner ……… I got to know them through some deep discussions about difficult subjects in life. Yes, we share the ttwd thing, too,……….. and it is important, but it’s so much more.
Those couple of people are out there somewhere, Erica, waiting for you just like you are waiting for them. They may be similar to you or they maybe somewhat different, but somehow there will be an amazing connection. Keep trying, but be good to yourself.
Windy
https://whenthestormwhisperstothewind.blogspot.com/?zx=57ccb88da249b513
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Windy — you are very kind. Thank you for stopping by to share this with me. I too have a couple of strong email connections, and they are precious to me. ♥ I am grateful for the Internet; it put me in touch with people I never would have known.
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I so love your enduring and endearing relationship with John, and all that you two have shared over the years. May you both have many more years together. As for the inexplicable comings and goings of the others, they are truly missing out on spending time with a wonderful person.
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Pam — thank you, dear. I appreciate you.
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I am very much with Windy, so much that I refrain from adding many words.
May be mainly this: my lifetime friends are those, that deeply share more than two relatively exceptional characteristics, like kink-interested, exceptionally smart, engaged with a particular small group, peculiar interest or special profession,… That is as exceptional as valuable.
Oh – and – is it possible in proper American to speak about spankable panties?
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MrJ — not sure what proper American would be, but I’m sure it’s fine.
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Hi Erica ❤ please don’t close your heart it’s not you it’s THEM 😔 They only think about themselves if they are just going to leave then they don’t deserve you, they are the ones missing out spending time with you which you are a beautiful and wonderful person shame on them, Happy Anniversary to you and John you both are a Lovely couple 😍😘☺ I Love you both, I can’t wait to read about the Shadow Lane Party that’s always fun, I know you will have a good time and enjoy yourself. I Love you my amazing friend xoxo hugs from Naughty Girl Jade / Emily Jean 💕
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Jade — thanks. It may not be me, but it still hurts all the same, you know?
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It probably doesn’t make you feel better, but it does sound like it’s them and not you. And you’re the one losing out if you close yourself off.
I think a LOT of people are really happy to see you start the blog back up.
Hope you have a great time at the Shadow Lane party.
B
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B — thanks. I hope you are right. ♥
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My dear Erica. (Should I even be starting like that, since we’ve never met, and never done more than exchange a couple of comments here on this blog? No matter. You seem like a “dear” and precious individual to me, so “Dear Erica” it shall remain, even if we can not be considdered to be neither close nor friends at this point.)
First off congratulations on your long relationship with John. We don’t all get to be so lucky as to find someone who will follow us through life for that long. I hope to be able to celebrate a similar anniversary with my wife in another 20 years time.
I have to agree with you. It’s actually a bit paradoxical that while we live in a world that has never been as connected as it is, and where it has never been so easy as now to connect and keep in touch with other people, we find ourselves living in a world where there have never been more people feeling lonely. I personally suspect that it’s a product of several factors, one being specifically that it’s become so easy to connect with people these days, that you don’t necessarily HAVE to hold on to old relations, in order to have someone to talk to (which also ties in with the “use and discard” attitude to a lot of other things in society today). And possibly also the hunt for perfection, which seem to permeate the world today. Relationship not quote living up to the dream? Find someone new. It’s tragic that the value of having people in your life who have known you for decades, people who know where you come from, who knew your family, and who journeyed with you through the trials and tribulations of life, only becomes truely possible to appreciate once you have lived through all of these years of life with someone. Too many don’t realize it today, and once you’ve let someone disappear out of your life, it’s difficult to get them back into it again.
I don’t really know what I want to say with this, to be honest. Your post just (once again) struck a cord with me, and prompted me to take to the keyboard and comment on it.
I’ll sign off with a plea to you though. Don’t ever seriously considder closing your heart off, regardless of the pain that might come from not doing it. I spent the better part of a decade shutting down my own feelings and emotions, in order to survive through the later half of my school years. I did it for survival, and it was a mistake it took me another decade to undo, following school’s end. We all need someone in our life, and we all thrive better, living with the joy of meeting new people, some of whom might end up becoming close friends for the rest of our lives, and some who merely brighten up our lives for a while. And whilst their disappearance from our lives might hurt, their presence will still have left memories behind. And hopefully good ones.
All the best Erica. Enjoy the Shadow Lane party 🙂
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Kyrel — It’s comments like this, from the kindness of virtual strangers who read my words, that help keep me going. Thank you. ♥
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Laughter, tears and a shared life’s journey – it doesn’t get much better than that. If you also share joy, friendship and love, you are well blessed with your relationship with John. As for loss of closeness with others, I wonder about this too. Is it that, as the outer world unfolds, wider and thinner over time, we crave a slower inner time with others, a more focused, richer feel? Might these others, in their turn, not always be ready for this slightly scarier change of depth and pace? Is that why people bow out of our lives? I wear my heart, maybe too loud and proud, on my sleeve – might others find this too much? It’s hard to take those we love (thinking of love in all sorts of different ways) leaving us when we share so much of ourselves with them. We need that time you talked about in an earlier post, Erica, to allow ourselves to feel the loss, maybe move on from it, but at least be able to look back at it with nostalgia and fondness rather than looking back with too much of a sharp, analytical eye. And talking of too much, that’s a whizzy thought about a vat of Bon-bons – we seem to have ourselves an Erica Blog Idea! I think it is a vastly superior idea to a jacuzzi!
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VP — I have asked the same questions. But I think sometimes, it’s simply a case of people not having the time. Most of the time, even though it feels deeply personal, it isn’t. (Still hurts, though.)
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