It’s parody time again, kids…

What, you were expecting something sentimental and Yuletide-y? Do you know me?

Anyway… it will surprise no one to read that I’m not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I’m actually working on Christmas Day, by choice. 1. I’m a Grinch, and a Jewish Grinch at that. 2. John is invited to his sister’s house for Christmas dinner. He made an excuse for me without even double-checking if there was a ghost of a chance I might want to go. Good man. I am so done with those people. So he and I will exchange our gifts this weekend.

However, even though I haven’t done this for the past couple of years, I felt the need to carry on my past tradition of writing spanking Christmas carol parodies. This year’s offering is to the tune of “Sleigh Ride.”

Just hear those paddles paddling, crack-crack-crackling too
Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you
You know the hands are falling with miscreants calling “Boo hoo!”
Oh yes, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you

Pull ‘em down, pull ‘em down, pull ‘em way down, go
Right down to your toes
We’re starting with a bottom white as snow
Smack it up, smack it up, smack it harder, pow!
It’s getting red now
We’re spanking along with a song
Of a bratty girl’s dressing down

Our buns are red and rosy and sore and toasty are we
We’re planning pranks together like brats of a feather we’ll be
They’ll say “Oh, you’re in trouble!” and spank our bubble butts too
Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you

There’s a Red Room party at the home of Christian Grey,
He’s a poser but oh well we’re going anyway,
We’ll be writhing on laps of tops we love, and hoping they won’t stop
At the gathering while we watch the paddles pop: Pop! Pop! Pop!
There’s a stinging feeling nothing in the world can buy
When they pass around the spoons and straps and belts, oh my!
It’ll nearly be like a photograph in Janus Magazine
These wonderful toys that abound we’ll remember when we sit down!

Just hear those paddles paddling, crack-crack-crackling too
Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you
You know the hands are falling with miscreants calling “Boo hoo!”
Oh yes, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with you

Pull ‘em down, pull ‘em down, pull ‘em way down, go
Right down to your toes
We’re starting with a bottom white as snow
Smack it up, smack it up, smack it harder, pow!
It’s getting red now
We’re spanking along with a song
Of a bratty girl’s dressing down

Our buns are red and rosy and sore and toasty are we
We’re planning pranks together like brats of a feather we’ll be
They’ll say “Oh, you’re in trouble!” and spank our bubble butts too
Come on, it’s wood or leather, for a spanking together with youuuu!

I should throw in a disclaimer that never have I ever heard anyone actually say “Boo hoo!” But you know, artistic license. And I made myself laugh when I transformed the line “There’s a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray.”

In closing, remember, Grumpy Cat sings,

“Deck the halls with clumps of furballs
Fa la la la la, go elf yourself!”

Have a great weekend, y’all. And all snark aside… I hope your holidays, whatever you celebrate, are happy. We could all use some cheer, I think. ♥

They’re coming for us, kids

Tumblr is eliminating “adult” content. Facebook is cracking down on “sexually suggestive” rhetoric. (Several of my friends on there have been put in “time-outs” for things they’ve posted.) There’s even whispers of how Twitter will be going after us next, although there is no proof of that. Wouldn’t surprise me, though. Censorship isn’t new, but it certainly seems to be escalating as of late. People in the adult/sex industries are shamed, forced to find new places to express themselves in an ever-dwindling choice of venues. Welcome to the New Dark Ages.

Where do the kinky folks go? FetLife? Sure, if you want to be buried in an avalanche of trolls, sock puppets, solicitations, accusations, and flame wars. FL was fun in its early years, when it still had a community feel. Now it’s just another platform where millions of people argue and jostle for attention.

Where will all our Tumblr brothers and sisters go now? And how long before the next platform is censored as well?

I’m grateful I got to have all the good online years I did. And I’m sorry for the newer generation of kinksters who are exploring and searching, and being made to feel like what fascinates them is somehow dirty and to be eliminated. I felt like that when I was much younger. I thought those days were over.

Yes, there are predators and abusers in the various kink scenes. The scenes are a microcosm of society in general — you have good people and you have some pretty awful people too. But an entire group shouldn’t be vilified for a few bad apples. And while I agree that sex/kink workers should be protected, simply wiping out their venues is not the answer.

We are getting fucking ridiculous. I am a woman; I came of age in a very non-PC era; I know all about #MeToo. I have my stories like pretty much every other woman out there. I’m happy to see that long-time predators are being held accountable.

But… censoring holiday songs? Really??

Baby, It’s Cold Outside was written in 1944. Yes, it was a different time. Yes, the lyrics are a little creepy. But “rapey”? Please! Have you listened to some of the lyrics in rap/hip hop songs? They’re as graphic as graphic gets, and yes, they are hella rapey. But a silly song that’s been sung for generations by every performer you can think of gets banned.

Found this little gem on Facebook, and it made me laugh. Yes, this is how stupid things have gotten.

I don’t even know why this is bugging me so much, since as far as I’m concerned you can take all the holiday songs and throw them on the open fire with the chestnuts. But stupid is stupid.

But I digress. What the hell is happening to us? How could we have come so far, only to head backward? When did society get so damned uptight about everything sexual? About everything, period? Why should anyone give a flying fuck whether you say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays,” as long as your wish is sincere and well meant?

A while back, I saw a skit from the “Carol Burnett Show,” circa 1973, a spoof of “Kung Fu” called “Young Fool.” Jim Nabors plays the Chinese monk Gah Lee Gee, complete with skinhead wig, and Carol played a Native American (then Indian) brave who falls in love with them. A snippet of the dialogue:

Busty barmaid played by Vicki Lawrence: “You two can’t get married! A red woman and a yellow man? You’d have an orange kid!”
Carol: “We’ll name him Julius!”

Yeah, I admit it, I laughed my head off. Just try putting that on TV now. Or anything like “All in the Family.” But of course, you can have walking dead rotting people eating other people and gut-wrenching violence ala “Game of Thrones.” You can have sex of every flavor, every position, graphically depicted. Even the damn commercials are about avoiding skid marks on your underwear if you use the right toilet paper, bladder-leak panties, and the heartbreak of impotence. How can we be so “show it all” in some ways and so Puritanical in others?

We’re fucked up, y’all. We’re going after the wrong things and the wrong people. And sometimes, I get so tired. I’ve been in “Erica, Party of One” mode for a while now. I think I will stay there until I feel like it’s safe to come out.