Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Another year over…

… a new one just begun.

So I guess this is the time where we reflect on the accomplishments of the past year. Here’s mine.

survive

No small feat, really. It was a tough year, the latter part in particular.

The good news? I have a lot more work. The first half of the year was so slow, I had to dip into savings to pay bills. Now I have more than I can keep up with, which, even though it stresses me out sometimes, I’m happy about.

In other news? I am slowly disappearing.

I spent Thanksgiving at home working. My choice.

I spent Christmas Eve and Day at home, working. Also my choice.

I have not been on FetLife in over a month, and have no desire to return to it. I tweet, and I play games on Facebook. But my online footprint is fading.

I have not played in nearly two months. I miss it. But I don’t push for it, either. Because damned if I’m going to allow myself to appear needy again.

There is a big spanking party coming up end of February. Normally I am counting the days toward this event. This year, I am seriously considering skipping it. I really don’t believe anyone will care whether I’m there or not, and I am having a hard time imagining putting myself out there, making the effort to go. Not when just getting out of bed each day is a Herculean effort.

Did something happen? Yup. What? Sorry. Not going into it. There was actually a buildup of several somethings, but one last thing piled on and my personal house of cards collapsed. Suffice it to say that I am now questioning everything. Who my friends are. Who I can trust. And above all, myself. My instincts in people. My place in things. My worth — not just in this scene, but in this life.

No conclusion jumping, please. John and I are fine. We spent New Year’s Eve together, see? He is my one constant, through it all, through all the comings and goings of others in my life. He stays. He loves me. He keeps me going.

20190101_000559

So, for 2019. With all the talk out there about walls, perhaps it is time to build up my own. Tuck away and protect my vulnerability. Enjoy what I can, when I can, but stay guarded. Because I’m tired of hurting. I just want to be numb.

I truly understand why people drink. Or use drugs. There’s a whole fucking lot to escape in this life. Fortunately — or unfortunately — I need control too much. My heart may be battered, but hey, my liver is in great shape. Guess that’s something.

Anyway. This is where I am. And now I need to get back to work, and back to the gym. Life goes on.

I hope my friends out there had happy, safe holidays. Be kind to each other. Have some extra fun for me.

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25 thoughts on “Another year over…

  1. bklynny0856 on said:

    Best wishes to you for the new year. Please don’t go anywhere. You are too valuable a friend to lose ❤️🌹.

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  2. I can’t believe you would not be missed if you skip the party in February. If you can go, you should. Just my unasked for opinion.

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  3. Steve Fuller on said:

    I can’t speak for the February party goers but if you miss the September party, I will miss you. So there’s that anyway.

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  4. bklynny — thank you.

    Rox — I don’t mind opinions at all, as long as they are respectful… so thank you.

    Steve — Is this really you, Steve Fuller? If it is… you will always be welcome to find me, and you know how to do so.

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  5. You guys are such a beautiful couple. 🙂

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  6. I hope 2019 surprises you in all sorts of positive ways. I’ve been where you are, with the colors of life draining away. Whatever person or event turns that around for you, I hope it happens soon.

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  7. Sigh, I can empathize…I feel your pain, Erica, and I’m sorry you had to go through so much heartache last year. ❤️

    I know people will miss you. Heck, I miss you and we’ve never even met in person! I wish life didn’t get in the way so much because I feel like I’ve been horrible at staying in touch.

    Sending Love and Hope across the miles for a better year. ❤️🌹🥰

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    • Ariel — that is a very kind wish… thank you so much.

      Jay — you’re not horrible at staying in touch. You are busy, and yet in your own way, you let me know you are still out there thinking of me. I’ve always said it doesn’t have to be grand, time-consuming gestures — a simple few-second text can make all the difference. I do appreciate you.

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  8. What a lovely picture of the two of you.

    Personally I think you would be missed if you didn’t attend the Feb party.

    Best wishes to you and John for the year ahead.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  9. Anonymous on said:

    I’m so happy to see that you are posting again.

    I can understand your reluctance to put yourself in harm’s way but you need to reconsider skipping something that has brightened your mood for so many years. I’ve decided to skip what had been a major annual event and was fine with it. Then again my mood was pretty positive and I just didn’t feel the need to attend any more. I’d like to suggest you think twice about skipping.

    It is great to see you and John looking so good.

    A. Nony Mouse

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  10. Ronnie — thank you. I really wish I could believe that. Just not feeling it.

    Mouse — good to see you. Trust me, I’m thinking about it twice and three times and a million more times after that. It’s driving me crazy. Well, crazier than I already am.

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  11. Chibob on said:

    So sorry about your troubles Erica but they are only temporary. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

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  12. Chibob — who knows, indeed. I’d rather not think about it.

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  13. We haven’t met in person, but I like when you are posting and active. I like reading your thoughts, your life updates, your party reviews. I’m hoping you stick with the blogging and attend the February party. I always enjoy your recaps.

    This weekend my book club is meeting to pick our next selection and someone suggested something a little more spicy. I nominated your book Late Bloomer, so you may soon have a new squad of fans.

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  14. Aw, Erica. The universe just sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? You need another dose of fucitol? (Can’t find the picture you posted some time back for the pill for folks who are just sick of all the BS) Need a new antidepressant, even short term. Hell, just need to talk to someone outside your normal sphere? Nothing at all wrong with needing stuff or needing people.

    Anyhow, I know we don’t communicate much beyond my random post replies and occasional awful food pics on Twitter, but I’d miss you. And I look forward to your posts.

    Humans just suck sometimes, don’t they? Get a dog, dogs don’t suck.

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  15. Dorota on said:

    i admire they way you always give a little reply to everyone Erica, it shows a touch of class

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    • Terri — I would get a pet if I could. But… no pets allowed in my building. And yes, the universe has been kind of sucky lately. Thanks for caring. It does make a difference.

      Dorota — I learned from the best on that. When I first became aware of our blogger extraordinaire, Bonnie of “My Bottom Smarts,” one of her tips for bloggers was to always reply to your comments, because everyone likes to be recognized. And I always have.

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  16. We’ve never met in person Erica, nor are we likely to ever do so, and yet posts like this one you’ve put up here makes me want to give you a hug and try to tell you that things will be OK, even if they suck for the moment, and everything seems bleak. That’s unfortunately not in the cards, so this will have to do.
    However, unless your online representation of you is way off the mark, you’re a wonderful person Erica. Never doubt that. Whatever flaws you might find with yourself, or what others might claim that you have. You are a great person.
    I’ll round off this comment with a little suggestion for you, recommended to be used on a daily basis: Every single day, find something to appreciate and be happy about, regardless of how small a thing it might be or seem, and hold on to that thought and feeling for a moment, and just enjoy it. Life becomes a little less bleak that way. Experience talking.

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  17. Grief and loss are hard enough to bear, but when it never seems to stop, that’s even worse. I’m very glad John is there, and that there are other fire-lights warding off some of the worst of the cold and dark. Your tenacity, courage and humor have always inspired me. And humor is a very good thing– it doesn’t just deflect attacks, it restores perspective and balance. Sending my love, as always.

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  18. Hi Erica –
    I hear you, I get it and so can relate. It can get overwhelming at times. Often.

    It appears you have lots of support and friends both online and offline so hopefully this is a strong source of strength.

    Day by day and hour by hour if need be; just as long as you are moving forward.
    Best,
    Enzo

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