Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

So anyway…

I feel like I want to write something here, even though I’m not sure what that is. I used to think I had to have something special, something of interest or intrigue, to post, but perhaps this blog can also be a place for me to ramble.

I miss playing. I really do. No, it’s not physically essentially like air, food and water. But it is emotionally essential. It’s a part of my makeup. Even when times are funky and I’m down, the cravings come when I least expect them.

People ask, “Isn’t there anyone available to play with you?” That’s not the question. It’s more like “with whom I want to play.” Because despite my neediness, I still prefer quality. I would rather go without than settle for an experience that doesn’t fulfill me. That’s the weird dichotomy of spanking, for me. The good ones can be so rich, so intensely wonderful and memorable in every way. But the not-so-hot ones? They are almost repulsive. It’s like having sex with someone you’re not drawn to. Why would you? Just for the sensation of being screwed? I’ll never want sex — or spanking — that much.

And, unfortunately due to circumstances of recent times, I do not feel safe or comfortable seeking what I need. Because the last time I admitted to neediness, to vulnerability, it bit me in the ass. Not in a fun, sexy way, either. So even though there are those I would indeed enjoying seeing for some play, I will not be the one to ask.

Regarding the party at the end of February… because I know how the gossip train is in this scene, I figured my hesitation about it would get back to the host, and his feelings would be hurt, which I do not want. So I headed things off at the pass and wrote him a long message, explaining what was going on with me and that my desire to withdraw from everything had absolutely nothing to do with him and I loved him dearly. He wrote back to me with such sweet words, I wept. I am a treasured friend and the party wouldn’t be the same without me. That he really wants me to be there, so please, please come.

So. I booked our room. That has to be done in advance. As for the rest, I have a month and a half to think about it. Everyone says I should go. Part of me wants to, so much. But the ugly, bleak voice within that seems to have taken over in recent weeks keeps saying no.

What else am I thinking about… oh, just random stuff. Like, remember I mentioned watching the Twilight Zone marathon over New Year’s? We happened to catch “It’s a Good Life.” Y’all know that one, don’t you? It’s the classic about the town that is being held hostage by a monstrous child, six-year-old Anthony Fremont? A child with too much power, but a complete dearth of empathy or caring? Who hates everyone who doesn’t like him, eliminates necessary things simply because he doesn’t care for them? Just one tiny little man-child, running the town according to his whims, making everyone suffer.

I was especially remembering the part where the party guest gets drunk and loses it, pleading tearfully to the others in the room to please, PLEASE, somebody, grab something heavy when he’s not looking and lay it across his skull, and end this once and for all?? Of course, no one did, but they all wanted to. The poor guy died for his outburst. And then for good measure, the little bastard changed the weather so it would ruin all the crops.

Why am I thinking about this so much? Eh, no particular reason…

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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10 thoughts on “So anyway…

  1. tashaelizabethhart on said:

    Sis, please come! I didnt get to SL this summer and I miss you! Besides, who will critique my outfits if y’all aren’t there?

    I’ve kinda felt the same way lately myself, re: play. Maybe it’s the weather :/

    TFH

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  2. “it is emotionally essential… It’s more like “with whom I want to play. Because despite my neediness, I still prefer quality.”
    Yes. Precisely that.

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  3. Hey Tash — I miss you too. Wish I could say it’s the weather, but this is actually my favorite time of year. (Only because I live in CA and our winter is like everyone else’s fall.) Hugs to you.

    MrJ — thank you.

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  4. Although Twilight Zone was filed in B&W, I cannot help but imagine the little monster having an orange complexion and unruly hair. Sadly, our real life monster is destroying much more than crops as he holds our country hostage to his whims.

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  5. Chibob on said:

    That episode certainly brings to mind another man child with an orange tint to his skin.

    Glad you booked a room for the party. You will have fun if you go.

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  6. I will have fun reading what you have to say about the party. You’ll have fun writing that, even if it is about a party you didn’t like. And you will like it, because you just wrote that you like the people. A party is the people.

    I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but I can see the pattern of depression. So can you, you said so. And you do know what that means, you’ve written that before too.

    I recall a time when I said to my wife, about something my daughter wanted to do with me, “She is doing this to please me, so I just have to drag myself out of this chair and go be pleased,” with a Bah Humbug tone. Of course I had a great time, after mumbling and complaining all the way there.

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  7. Anon E. Mouse on said:

    The lead role in “It’s A Good Life was played by a 7 year old Billy Mumy.
    Chilling to this day!

    I think it was wise to book the room. Your options are now open. I’d never be so bold as to give you unsolicited advice…but boy wouldn’t I love to!

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    • Mark — my reasons for hesitation over attending are very complex, and personal. But yeah, depression is involved. I keep hoping for this one to pass, but it’s been with me for a long time.

      Mouse — lol. I don’t mind unsolicited advice when it’s done kindly. Friends get to do that.

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