Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Sorry… no tell-all here

nothingtoseehere

There is plenty to see, but I’m not going to post it. I know I’ve been saying for a long time that something bad happened to me last year. Let me clear one thing up, lest people think I’m over-dramatizing by revealing too little. I was not physically assaulted or otherwise bodily damaged in any way; I am not covering up for some scene “rape-y guy.” In short, I believed in, trusted and supported someone, and in turn, I got thrown into a world of hurt. Exiting my life as quickly as he entered it, his parting gift was a very long, painfully detailed, damning email — one he said he’d shared with our mutual friends. I had revealed my insecurities and vulnerabilities, and in this missive, they were all gouged with a rusty knife. Essentially, I was painted as needy, neurotic, narcissistic and manipulative. John was stunned, and pronounced it to be “character assassination.” I had no idea who had seen it, or what people were saying/thinking. My self-esteem and confidence took a nosedive.

After this, I dropped out of scene activity. With a couple of exceptions, no one came forward to ask me for my side of things. I sank further into depression until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and sought help. My new therapist said I gave away all my power and suggested I take it back, perhaps by blogging about it and telling my story.

So last week, over three days, I wrote the longest blog post I’ve ever crafted. I dredged up a year and a half of memories and feelings, wept a great deal, and chronicled what happened (but without naming names, or giving away unique personal details).

I then shared it with John. And he said, “This is well written, and all true. And if you post it publicly, no good will come from it, it will just stir shit up, and it will backfire in your face.”

That was hard to hear. But of course, he’s right. After all this time, who would believe me? On top of all the other faults ascribed to me, we could add “vindictive bitch” to the list. Drama queen. Troublemaker.

So it looks like I have to suck this one up, and deal the best I can. My scene life has definitely been altered. I cannot imagine going back to any national party at this point. Not if there’s any chance of encountering the person whose words gutted me. I should be stronger than this. I thought I was. But as time goes by and I don’t feel any different, it’s pretty clear that I’m not.

I know my truth, and John knows it.Ā  I will have to be satisfied with that, and do the best I can to move forward.

On a positive note, it seems that B from Northern CA may be flying me to his place on a weeknight for a second go-round. Win-win, no impact on John’s time, and a wonderful adventure for me. Stay tuned.

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21 thoughts on “Sorry… no tell-all here

  1. Mark on said:

    Those sorts of bad qualities would show up in your writing, in your books and a years-long blog. You could not fake it through all of that. So, it just isn’t true. I’m sure he’s wrong, and vicious too.

    My understanding is that every personality has some of each quality. We all do. It is a matter of the balance among them, and whether one overwhelms others to impair function. Sure, I have a bit of needy, neurotic, narcissistic and manipulative in me. We all do. I just don’t have them in ways that are dysfunctional. I don’t have them as “disorders.” I don’t read your work to suggest that you do either.

    It is purely vicious to pick them out, highlight them with unfair emphasis, twist it, and do it all for the purpose of being hurtful to someone who trusted you. I’ve read enough of your work to be quite sure that is what he did. That could be done to anyone. We’ve all got enough bits in us for a vicious sort to pick them out and toy with our feelings.

    I’m a fan. More so because you are so honest in your reactions. Let him go to the other place and do the other thing (a British polite way of saying it).

    I’m glad to hear B will play with you. You did taunt him here, and you deserve what you’re going to get from him.

    Like

  2. I know how painful the last year has been for you as a result of this horrid, mean-spirited attack that repaid your friendship and kindness with hate and pain. I was there through it all and know first-hand there was no reason for it. And still you’ve chosen to take the high road once again. Well done, Sweetie.

    Like

    • Mark — all humans are flawed. Some are fatally flawed. I suppose it’s not up to us who decides if we’re in the latter category.
      P.S. Do you really think I taunted B? I was trying to be nice, honest! Even he pronounced my blog “very nice indeed.”

      Pam — besides John, you are the only other person with whom I shared the message in question. Therefore, only you and John know 100% that I speak the truth without exaggeration, and only you two know the extent of what I’ve been going through. Your support has meant more to me than I can possibly express.
      I don’t think I’m taking the high road. I’m taking the coward’s road because I don’t want to deal with the fallout. But thank you for saying it.

      Like

      • Mark on said:

        You are no coward.

        I’m sure John’s advise is well considered.

        If you get down in the mud and roll around in it with pigs, you just get coated in slime while the pig has fun. It is a truth, from which we are often tempted, and for which we are then often sorry. I’ve made the mistake myself.

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  3. Erica,

    “…who would believe me?”

    I would. I’ve followed you for twenty years as you’ve generously shared your heart, mind, humor, and life. I would believe you. I know you are genuine.

    Please don’t allow anyone, let alone an assassin, define who you are.

    Big comforting hugs,
    Bonnie

    Like

  4. Jade Mathias on said:

    Hi Erica ā¤ I believe you šŸ™‚ Whoever said all those bad things about you is a low life scum of the earth, How dare he tell lies šŸ˜  You are innocent my beautiful friend šŸ’• Don’t let what that piece of shit said bring you down or define you, We all know the real you, You have a big heart you are trustworthy you are loving and caring and beautiful inside and out šŸ˜šŸ˜˜ I Love you my amazing friend ā˜ŗā¤ I am happy that you are going to see B

    Like

  5. Dorota on said:

    Encountering wicked characters like that is just part of lifes journey Erica, I know you are too strong to be beaten by a despicable idiot like that fellow who hurt you.

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  6. Erica, whatever happened, it was hurtful, mean-spirited and just plain wrong. I believe you too, without even knowing the details. You aren’t a coward; you have integrity and are not stooping to his level. Hold your head up high. Writing about it must have been somewhat cathartic for you, even though we will never see that post.

    Isn’t B a prince, to treat you to some weekday fun! Looking forward to all the ouchy details!

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    Like

  7. Bonnie — that means a lot. You are special indeed; thank you.

    Jade — thank you, sweetheart.

    Dorota — it’s not just the one person. It’s the silence of my circle of friends.

    Hermione — you too are special. I wish I could hang out and have girl time with you and Bonnie. I think we’d have a lot of laughs.

    Like

  8. Erica, whatever happened sounds awful and wrong. I am sorry for the hurt you have suffered. I’ve been reading you for a long time, you have shared a lot with us. I believe you totally.

    Stay strong.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    Like

  9. Anonymous on said:

    Well now, wouldn’t I like to kick this guy squarely in the teeth. Fortunately that won’t happen because he isn’t worth the jail time I’d incur.

    Living well really is the best revenge and I know since I’ve lived that maxim for a long time.

    John’s advice was spot on and only makes me respect him even more. If you’re so bad how come a class act like John wants to be with you?

    Go on up to see B and live really well.

    Anon E. Mouse

    Like

    • Mouse — you’re always so sweet. I am trying to live well, I really am. In recent months, it’s been an effort to just live. But I’m working on it. Thank you. And yes, John is one hell of a man.

      Like

  10. Chibob on said:

    Don’t let that asshole continue to live rent free inside your head. He forgot about it soon after he did it.
    Go back to the national party and act like it never happened. If someone brings it up, then you defend yourself strongly.
    Personally, I would go just to confront the bastard face to face. With lots of people around to hear it. Bring your supporters with you.
    If nobody confronts this guy he will do it again to other people. Maybe to friends of yours.
    I know you are not me and will handle this your own way, but I have fought bullies my entire life. They are cowards at heart.
    You will eventually prevail one way or another.

    Like

    • Chibob on said:

      Sorry, I forgot to say have a great time with B.
      Bullies get my blood boiling.

      Like

      • Bob — I know you’re coming from a place of caring and I appreciate that you are ticked off on my behalf. But I can’t do any of this. For one thing, it seems my friends are now his. I don’t feel I have a support system. And all the other reasons that aren’t in my favor I detailed in the longer blog I wrote, which would explain things much better, but I cannot post that.

        I’m out of fight. I’m tired.

        Like

  11. It is really difficult for me to imagine anyone who as come to know you, even if only virtually, would attach any credibility to such claims, Erica.

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  12. Anonymous on said:

    From reading your blog a few years and how thoughtful and kind you’ve been when i’ve asked questions, i don’t need to know any more to know you’re right.

    From reading your blog I am certain you are genuine and you always include the good and bad. I am really sorry your mutual friends don’t see it that way. I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I think a LOT of your readers feel the same way.

    Glad to hear you are going to see B again.
    Brian

    Like

  13. MrJ — thank you.

    Brian — that’s very kind of you. I try to be real. Certainly not perfect, but real.

    Like

  14. Tina on said:

    well, Erica, i suppose the one positive thing about being let down by one’s fair-weather friends is that you can now see them in their true colors

    Like

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