Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

The Vicious Circle

Yeah, I can hear you guys out there. “It’s vicious CYCLE, Erica!” Both are acceptable; both are a circular, cyclical course of events that go around and around, each part perpetuating the next. Why do I prefer “circle”? Because technically, that version of the saying came first.

Anyway… where was I? Oh, yeah. What’s the vicious circle of a kinky depressive? When you’re deep in the abyss, your spanko desires take a hike. It’s like that part of you has gone into indefinite hibernation. I have experienced this, so I know it’s real. But then, as all depressions will do eventually, the fog lifts, some color comes back into the world, and you find yourself waking up in the morning without the first thought in your mind being, “Oh, fuck, I’m still alive.” So far, so good. And as you start feeling like you’re coming back to life, what kicks back into gear with a vengeance?

Uh huh. Your kinky desires. In my case, the intense, undeniable desire to be spanked. And it comes back almost angrily, as if it’s saying, “Really? You thought I was gone? Well, feel this.”

And then you remember you don’t have a regular play partner. And you feel frustrated. And then, if it goes on too long, that frustration burrows, you feel unattractive, and then guess what… you feel depressed. Vicious circle.

I guess the maddening restlessness and itch is preferable to the gray pall, because at least with the former, I feel alive. But it is challenging, to say the least. First world problems, I know. I am grateful to be feeling a bit better. However, having my needs reawakened and then unfulfilled is not good for my psyche either.

It’s during times like these that I am reacquainted with the ickiness of the kink ad sites and how frustrating and unsatisfying they can be. Yeah, you get the occasional diamond in the endless heaps of coal. I met B through one of these sites. But overall, the replies I’ve been getting are little more than CHoS fodder.

For example: one man on sent me a message, and right out of the gate, tells me how much he loves masturbating to spanking videos. TMI, dude. I don’t answer. Over the next month, the same man continues to message me, a total of twenty times. TWENTY.

“Aren’t you going to give me a chance to spank your ass?”
“You won’t be disappointed!”
“When are you going to stop teasing me and let me spank your bare ass?”

Good grief. I’m not teasing you, jackass. I’m simply ignoring you. He attached pictures, too. Not dick pics, thank goodness. But one of his playroom table, which is strewn with implements along with butt plugs and dildos. No, thank you. And he repeatedly sends the same picture of himself, wrapping his mouth around a very large ice cream cone. Is this supposed to be provocative? Again, no, thank you. Part of me wanted to answer just once and say “For god’s sake, I’m not interested, give it up!” But I figured that would just encourage him.

Then you get the guys who can’t communicate. I got three messages in three days from the same man; they were as follows:

“Hello beautiful.”

No, it’s not rude or crude, but come on. Say something.

Best (?) of all, I am reminded of how many BDSMers out there simply don’t get the spanking fetish, and let me know that if they give me a spanking, they will want something sexual in return. The attitude is “So what’s in it for me?”

Makes me think of the guy on FetLife years ago, a real Uber-Dom type, who wrote to me and said that he thought bottoms who take a spanking from a man and then don’t offer at least a blowjob as a reward are “selfish and revolting.” Honey, don’t do me any favors. If you don’t get anything out of spanking, then don’t do it.

I even put this question to Twitter last week: “Tops, what do you get out of spanking? Do you feel fulfilled and happy even if it doesn’t include sex?” Some of the answers I got were so gratifying, so lovely. Of course, none of these men are local. (sigh) But it’s good to know that some really do get it.

So I keep trying, and hoping. Last week, I actually got a message from a man who is local, can string more than two or three words together at a time, didn’t send me any dick pics, and seems to get the spanking fetish. Oh, and instead of insisting we meet immediately, it was his suggestion that we get to know one another via email for a bit. All good. But you’ll forgive me if I don’t get my hopes up too high. We have yet to meet, so I will keep my head until I see this person in the flesh, talk to him and know he’s real. So far, he’s said some yummy things. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, a word to my female friends and readers out there: If you have a good top in your life, cherish him. Don’t take him for granted. Value his time. Sometimes, I think we forget that our beloved tops are people too, that they have needs and moods and insecurities, that they like to feel special. They are a lot more than simply figures there to service us and make us feel good, give us release, etc. With all the wannabes and jerkoffs out there, a good top is worth his weight in gold. Treat him as such. ♥

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14 thoughts on “The Vicious Circle

  1. Laura Davis on said:

    I feel your pain. I am several years out now from having a regular Top. The struggle(s) is/are real – depression, lack of kink, etc.


    • Laura — I’m sorry. Yeah, it’s real. Because my sexuality is all tied up with this, spanking makes me feel desirable and attractive. When I go without it, I start feeling kind of blech inside my body. sigh


  2. My health concerns keep me from meeting with my “regular” spanker. One of these days, though…


  3. Good to see you posting Erica even if it is not the most ecstatic post; but always appreciate the honesty.
    I can relate although I have steered clear of fearing it is mainly fake accounts. I have tried dating via the mainstream apps and that has been a challenge in and of itself.
    Thank you for “tops are people too, that they have needs and moods and insecurities, that they like to feel special.” Good reminder for all.


  4. Rae — argh. Physical impediments are every bit as bad as emotional ones. Hope you feel better soon.

    Enzo — hey you! Always happy to see you here. Yeahhh… I figured what with all the grumbles about wannabe tops, it was worth a mention that there are plenty of good ones out there who put up with troublesome bottoms. Some mutual appreciation is needed — both for bottoms who are responsible and communicative, and tops who genuinely care.


  5. Vanilla or spanko, your last paragraph could save a lot of relationships if people would take heed.

    May you find the top who meets your needs.


  6. Joel Crawford on said:

    Hi Erika As you know being Intersex I do not at all mind which sex spanks me!.

    However my experience over the years of being the spankee just like most of you who get frustrated with Tops that don’t get it out there!! I have noticed that the best ones who know what you want are women spankers.
    Women generally get it that I don’t want a butt plug shoved up my behind! I don’t want sex with you! I sure don’t want to give head! Or take a golden shower from you!!!.
    I want to be taken by the ear! Scolded! And my bear bottom spanked until every time I go to sit down over the next few days I get that beautiful sting in my buttocks.
    Unfortunately I have had three male tops and each one was a good spanker yet they then want the other stuff!.
    I have had a few female tops over the years who just love being the spanker and I the spankee! And that is why I love my female spankers!!.
    I enjoy being spanked by men as they have that heavy hand! But trying to find that one who just wants to spank you and not to have kinky sex with you is so so hard to find!!.
    I gave up on male spankers in 2010! And all I can say is since 2016 I have had two fantastic lady friends! Who I really respect and love as they give me that that I really need and cherish in return! They love giving me long hard spankings and I love them for it.

    You are so so correct Ericka! When you do find those in life that give you this! Cherish and respect them like a gold nugget! They are as valuable and scarce as white gold! But they are out there.


  7. Diana on said:

    I share your need to be spanked in a non-sexual way Erica, its more of a therapeutic need for me, but i also note that you say your sexuality is all tied up with it so the lines seem to be a little blurred, can you clarify the distinction.


    • Diana — I will try. Spanking is a fetish for me, a sexual fetish; therefore, it is very much a part of my sexuality. It turns me on, and it makes me feel sexy. However, I am able to derive a great deal of satisfaction and stress release from a good spanking alone, and afterward, I will feel as blissed out and relaxed as if I’d had an orgasm, even though I don’t. So yes, for me, spanking is sensual and sexual and intimate, which is why I’m very picky about play partners. But it doesn’t have to go any farther than spanking and then some aftercare — cuddling and soothing and so forth. That’s not to say I’ve never had sex after spanking; I have, particularly with John. But in general, a really good, intense spanking scene does it all for me.


  8. Diana on said:

    thanks Erica, thats very helpful


  9. Another well written thought provoking blog. Thankyou. From a spanker’s point of view, it works in a very similar way. I love hand spanking female bottoms…all shapes and sizes. If for some reason I am unable to do so, holidays, sickness, whatever, it really does ‘hurt’ an ache…I just hate that gap in my life, it’s painful..


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