Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

To Give Or Not to Give… a Fuck?

(Caution: Many f-bombs ahead)

Despite the fact that in many things I’m a moderate person (drink in moderation, eat sugar in moderation, indulge myself overall in moderation), my feelings of self-worth occupy opposite poles.

On good days, I feel strong, confident, reasonably comfortable in my skin. I am inner-directed, rather than focusing outward, and my self-acceptance is at an all-time high. During these times, I think, “I give zero fucks what people think of me.”

Then, for whatever reason (or sometimes no reason at all, simply because my brain wiring is screwy), I drift to the opposite extreme. Those are the times when my long-gone mother’s ghost natters in my ear like a relentless mosquito. “Don’t say that (do that, look like that, act like that, wear that, etc., etc., ad nauseam) — people will think you’re weird.” (God forbid, right?) And that’s when I think, “You’re a fraud, Erica. You give ALL the fucks about what people think of you.”

These down times are particularly insidious when they come at the end of something fun, something exciting, because life seems even drearier than usual in comparison after them. The drop is real.

I think what I need in this instance is balance. Giving zero fucks is unrealistic. Giving all the fucks is overwhelming. I need to learn how to give some fucks. In other words, be selective about my fucks-giving.

So who should get them? Who should be worthy of taking up space in my brain and my heart and my mercurial feelings? The people who care about me. Who love me. Who accept me, even when I’m being weird. (Which is pretty much all the time. Because come on — normal is overrated. So there, Mom.)

John, for example. For another example, the friend who drops me an email nearly every day; who, despite whatever is on her plate, always cares about what’s on mine. Or for yet another example, the friend who, after reading my tweet this morning about feeling blech again, texted me this:

FullSizeR (1)

Which made me cry. But it was the touched kind of tears, not the hurt kind.

The gestures don’t have to be grandiose. I am appreciative of all of them.

People who remember my birthday.
People who notice when I haven’t been around and check in.
People who surprise me with special little treats (you know, like chocolate, champagne… 😉 )
People who make me laugh.
People who, even for just a few minutes, lighten my spirits and make me forget about The Putin Pleasin’ Treason Boy of Company Pee. (Thank you for that one, Bette Midler.)
Thoughtful, kind, caring people. People who bring out all the good in me, all I have to offer. Who make me want to be the best me.

These are the people I need to focus on, whose opinions I should value, whose thoughts and feelings I should care about. Balance.

So that’s my goal. Keep in mind those who are give-a-fuck worthy, and give them their due. The rest shouldn’t matter.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of fucking work to do…

 

Single Post Navigation

17 thoughts on “To Give Or Not to Give… a Fuck?

  1. I know the swinging pendulum feeling sucks. I go from being completely confident in my abilities, who I am, what I want, what I’m doing, and how I feel to suffering from an extreme episode of imposter syndrome and feeling like I’m not enough as a friend, a partner, or a worker. How do we find balance? Like you, I appreciate the support I receive from a text or gesture, no matter how small. ❤️

    Like

  2. Dear Erica,
    As a blog follower and someone who is fascinated by you, I find it hard to see you as someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
    In fact, I would say you are one of lifes’ deep feelers, overthinkers, self doubters, over analyzers, wrapped up in a beautifully kind, sensitive, funny, witty, insightful, intelligent, sweet, loving heart, incapable of not giving a fuck.
    And that’s why people are so entertained by you, because you are so complex, so real, so raw. Can you have all these wonderful layers to your personality without giving a fuck? I really think not.
    I sure have no advice to help you navigate through this darker low, except to say you are admired, obviously loved and make a greater impact than what you may think. Keep looking after yourself.
    Jen

    Like

  3. “The Putin Pleasin’ Treason Boy of Company Pee” – I love it! Gonna put that on a t-shirt for sure. Or at lease share it with Ron.

    Thank you for making my day. Hang in there, my friend. You matter to me.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

    Like

  4. Jen — if your comment isn’t a keeper, I don’t know what is. Thank you so very much.

    Hermione — Bette Midler is a riot. And thank you — you matter to me as well.

    Like

  5. Erica,
    I promise you over burgers last night, we had this very discussion! My husband is concerned about my feelings of not being good enough and earnestly trying to make everybody happy or better yet, never make them mad or think less of me. BLAH! My funny, sincere, and mild mannered man said to me, “I think you give too many fucks. Isn’t there a book called How to not give a fuck? ” LOL

    I, too, think balance is a key factor for those of us who care too much. Hubby’s other suggestion is to unfriend a ton of people on fb………. so basically, fuck the fucking fuckers. HA! And to quote Bette Midler who once told an upset Nathan Lane who was hurt by critics and some fans, “Who cares what they think?! Fuck ’em!”

    Good luck with all your Fucksgiving. Windy

    Like

    • Windy — oh my, that’s funny! And tell your guy yes, there actually is a book titled “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” On the cover, there’s a black splotch in place of the U in Fuck. LOL

      Like

  6. Marcia on said:

    hi Erica, great blog. Is there any prospect of a resourceful Top like B filming you in session so you can post clips on the blog? That would be heavenly!

    Like

    • Marcia — hi, and thank you. No, I don’t think so… B is very private. I have had tops in the past who would occasionally film our sessions, which made for fun clips. But I’m really not down for doing that anymore.

      Like

  7. The British newspaper The Telegraph reports today, “Scientists have found that eating dark chocolate appears to lower the risk of depression by four fold.”

    So, eat more chocolate. Science says its good for you.

    If you happen to find the secret to moderation, please share it. You’d be a hero.

    I laughed out loud at Pam’s comments and your replies. I’m sure you’ll get what you like from that, and I hope somehow she does too.

    It is amazing what good fun with nice people can do for our emotional state. I hope you can keep this moving forward. Get spanked more by nice people who appreciate you. Eat more chocolate.

    Like

  8. Mark — I love chocolate. But sadly, I prefer milk. Figures.
    The banter with Pam and B and me reminded me of the bygone days of the message boards where tops and bottoms used to bait and tease each other. I miss that.

    Like

  9. BD@BB=yey on said:

    This all sounds pretty healthy. I’d say.

    Like

  10. Chibob on said:

    If I lived close I would give you a hug. This post proves you still have friends who care about you.
    You might want to research the Keto diet. It helps some people with depression. Ketones give runners a high.
    If all else fails do some Psilocybin mushrooms. I guarantee you’ll be happy for a little while.

    Like

  11. Hi Erica, I am one of your devoted Lurkers. Its nice to say hello to the First Lady of spanking

    Like

Come on, you know you want to say something.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: