Someone needs to vent…
So look out! (warning: fluent cussing to follow)
Before I get into this, I should say I am not sick. I’m not depressed. John is well. My apartment is fine and I have plenty of work. I still have the lovely memories of the party from a couple of weeks ago. So at this moment in time, I am all right.
I’m just overwhelmed with a feeling of unease and powerlessness, and like the whole damn world around me is in free-fall. We have a global pandemic that’s spreading every day. The stock market is crashing. People are freaking out and social media is a disaster area. The anger is off the charts. I feel like I’m not going to get through 2020 without losing my mind. And while I am well, I have several friends who are in various stages of illness and despair, and there’s not a damn thing I can do for them.
Finally, being a recluse and a misanthrope is going to be a huge plus. I’m not scared that I’m going to get COVID-19. I live alone, I work alone. I hate travel. I hate large crowds, for the most part. And I’m healthy with a strong immune system. However… John has a heart condition. And his immune system is compromised. And this is not the fucking flu.
The stock market plummeting on a daily basis scares the bejesus out of me. People hoarding stuff and acting crazy scare me. My finances worry me, especially since I just spent the last of my emergency cash on a hefty car repair. My computer is old AF, so are my TVs. My car is twelve years old. But I can’t afford to replace anything.
So what do I want to do in the midst of all this insanity? I want to play. I want to escape and forget all this crap for a while. I want an endorphin rush and a stress release. And I’m fucking frustrated with that situation as well.
This is party season — there’s a huge national spanking party next month, then in May, and then in June. Personally? I think going to airports and being among mass throngs of people from all over is insane right now, so I’m quite worried about all my friends going to these things, even though I envy them as well. I’m so very grateful we managed to get to our own party before this all blew up. But the local situation continues to suck, and sometimes it gets damn tiresome.
In particular, I am frustrated with the tops on Alt.com. Yeah, lots of them look at me. I can tell who’s looking at my profile, and it’s often the same guys over and over. But they don’t contact me, and I can’t contact them, because I’m not a paying member. What’s up with that? About once a week, I see that the man who ended things last November still looks at my profile. Why??? Every time I see that he’s looked at me, I want to write to him and say, “FFS, come on over and look at me up close and personal, why don’t you?” Argh. But I don’t. I say nothing. Because if he wanted to be in touch, he would be. Still, I really can’t comprehend why he’s still checking me out. What a useless exercise that is if you don’t follow up with anything.
Another one has been dancing around me for months. We met once for coffee and things went splendidly, but then the holidays happened, he had a family emergency and he went back East for a few months. I waited patiently, and now he’s back… and he’s dancing around me again. Writing brief emails, dropping hints, asking questions, commenting how he saw one of my clips… but not suggesting a concrete get-together. Dude! Life is short and neither one of us is getting any younger here. If we’re all gonna die, I want to go with a sore butt and a big smile on my face. Stop tiptoeing… if you want to play, then fucking tell me you want to play and tell me when!
And yet another one texts me every now and then and says let’s reconnect. I enthusiastically agree and say just tell me when. And then he disappears again until the next time.
I wish they’d freaking man up, turn my ass up and spank the hell out of me already, dammit!
(I know. I sound so fucking submissive. I’d laugh at that if I didn’t feel like screaming.)
But then I calm down, I work out, I sigh, and I pick up my work again. And hope for things to get better. But I can’t help feeling they’re going to get a whole lot worse first.
One of my old bosses, whenever people complained about stuff, had the weirdest saying: “Yeah, well, people in hell want lemonade.” I never quite understood what that meant. But I suppose the kinky version of that is “People in hell want spanking.” Because right now, besides the basics of shelter and food and good health, that’s what I want most.
I. Am. Scared. I know why people drink. I know why people smoke. I know why people do geographics. Escape. Of course, there is no escape, not really. There is postponement, though. There is temporary distraction. And sometimes, that sounds pretty damn sublime.
(sigh) Rant over. I will get back to work now.
Friends — be safe. Be careful. And if you have a chance to have some fun, do it. Because we simply don’t know what the fuck is going to happen.
I know you’re venting, so I’m just going to say that I’m here. I’m also still trying…in excruciatingly slow and small steps. I mean, any slower and I would be going backwards. I might still go backwards depending on how tomorrow goes. I know I’m scared and worried about what’s going on out there, but I also have this big goofy grin that shows up when my mind wanders in a positive direction. (sigh) Anyway, I’m rambling – I love you, my dear friend. ❤️
Jay — my sweet friend, I’ll repeat what I said to you earlier. Do everything you can to move forward with what will bring you joy and fun. Let nothing stop you, including fear. Because dammit, you deserve some fun, and if we’re all going to hell, we might as well ALL have goofy grins on the way. I love you too!
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It’s hard to imagine I’m any less of a recluse than you are, but I’m worried. I don’t own my own grocery cart — I use the one at the store. I have no idea whose hands were last on the handle. I’m not scared ENOUGH to start carrying alcohol wipes to clean every surface before I touch it. Only scared enough to wonder if I should. Also, after 67 years, I’m not going to start NOT touching my face. So I’m doomed.
You wrote “do geographics.” The closest Google can come to elucidating that is Urban Dictionary (my go-to first stop if Google itself only offers literal results): geographical: relocating in the hopes of solving or avoiding a life problem. Running away from something. Very commonly employed by active alcoholics who (falsely) believe that moving will solve their drinking problem. Example: “Man, I can’t stand my pathetic life. I’m going to move to Chicago.” “Dude, are you sure you’re not just doing a geographical? Will moving really solve your problems or will you just recreate your pathetic life in a new city?”
So, is that the sense in which you used “geographical?” Is that so common in SoCal slang that you assumed us hapless fly0ver people would understand it? 🙂
(laughing) I’ve always heard it as “doing a geographic,” not “a geographical.” But yes, you figured it out. It means relocating. Often times for no good reason except people are going away from something rather than going TO something. And as the expression goes: “No matter where you go, there you are.”
Erica, do you mean to say that you took no comfort from our “dear leader’s” Oval Office address last night? You know, the one that sent the stock market into another free fall and has respected journalists and pundits expressing jaw-dropping wonder at his cluelessness? Yeah, me either. Having spent seven decades on this planet, I have never experienced the kind of cultural and social shock waves that are inundating the globe right now. All that said, I can understand your sense of angst (probably not the right word) and the need to seek an escape hatch.
I know all about why people “do a geographic” when the world around them, or within them, seems to be going to hell. That phenomenon led me to places all over California from the ’60s through the early ’80s, and it’s part of why I ended up in Wisconsin. And I get why you would look for some relief through play. More power to you! I’ve always been impressed with how the tender, vulnerable side of you juxtaposes with your tough-as-nails attributes, which are obvious and many. For what it’s worth, I’m sending my best wishes to you, to John and to everyone else in your orbit. Be well. Things will get better.
Bob — angst is indeed one of the right words. And no… no comfort whatsoever. I didn’t watch. I can’t bear the sight or the sound of him.
Thank you for the kind and positive words. I think my vulnerable inner being craves to hear “It’s going to get better. You’re okay.” And then I can just zone out for a while. (deep breath)
I suggest that those guys who keep viewing but dont follow up are just not man enough for the job, Erica
I can follow you frustration Erica.
As I’m writing this, my 21 month old kid’s taking a nap. Most of the non-critical public services across all of Denmark shut down yesterday, and as my wife’s working in the health industry, she’s still at work. So taking care of the kid’s on me. It’s not a big problem, but it does mean that my own business gets to take the sideline. Probably the first time that it’s an advantage that I don’t have enough work to do at the moment LOL
Personally I’m not particularly worried about COVID-19. I’m 41 and in good health, and kids generally don’t get hit very hard by this disease. But my parents are both over 70, and my dad has a heart condition, so I do somewhat worry for them. Also, my wife seems to have a tendency to turn every damned cold into weeks of coughing, so the thought of her catching a respiratory affecting virus does concern me slightly.
Fortunately it’s not like a huge part of the population’s infected with this crap, so odds of catching it, if you turn on your brain, and follow the recommendations from the health officials, should be limited.
You’re obviously taking this seriously enough already, so I won’t flog a dead horse (I’d rather do that to you…;-)). But do stay safe, and all the best to you and John (and the rest of your friends).
Pat — well, that’s just sad.
Kyrel — it is worrisome. And here in the U.S., people are panicking because the president is bungling things so badly. I went to the market yesterday and it was a madhouse; crowd of people, empty shelves. Trying to keep my head in all this is hard.
“I want to go with a sore butt and a big smile on my face.”
You and me both, dear sister!
Stay safe and well.
Bonnie — doing my very best, sweetie. You do the same!