I have a confession: I still buy a paper wall calendar every year. It’s not because I am anti-technology. But I have a perfect spot on the wall just outside my kitchen, and I like having the month laid out before me, being able to quickly note the dates, see my appointments, etc. I enjoy flipping a new page each month. And I like choosing something fun each December. For a long time, I got Beatles calendars. For a while it was Big Bang Theory. This year, I went with “The B Word,” which is basically women snarking in a dry and delightful way. Resonates with me for some reason…
Anyway, when I flipped July’s page, the cartoon of the month seemed to sum up life as of late. Although some days it seems that “some shit in the middle” would be an improvement.
Such strange times. I want to post. I want to connect with readers and entertain. But I don’t have anything. I thought about recycling old classic posts, some stories, etc., but I really don’t want to do that. So… I don’t post at all, which sucks.
And who do we talk to? Everyone is suffering to some degree. Everyone is afraid/angry/nervous to some degree. Some of my friends are going through unspeakably awful things — deaths, illness, financial ruin, losses. How can we comfort one another when we’re all at the breaking point? And we can’t even give each other hugs, for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to complain to people who are already struggling. So… I keep to myself for the most part. At least I get to see John once a week. I get a respite.
I work. Basically, that’s it. I get up in the morning, I get dressed. I eat breakfast. Then I sit at my computer all day, working on and off, interspersed with bouts of social media. I have correspondence with a couple of dear friends. But even with them, I run out of things to say. Today, for most working folks in the U.S., is a day off. My friend asked me if I was working today. I said yes… because, really, what else is there to do?? You can only watch so much TV, or read so much. I work out to blow off stress. I keep up with bills and laundry and other necessities. But otherwise, life has just… stopped. Frozen.
I haven’t played since February. We haven’t been to a restaurant in months. I haven’t even petted a dog for several months. I did get a haircut, as did John, finally. I got my teeth cleaned. But I can’t go to my chiropractor, and my back has been hurting every day. My gym is back open, but damned if I’m going there. Fortunately, I’ve managed to keep in shape working out here. (Haven’t gained the Covid 19, as they say — a play on the Freshman 15.)
Besides a pandemic, as if that weren’t bad enough, we have police brutality, racism, protesting (not that protesting is bad, but I worry about the viral spread), rioting. U.S. has the highest rate of cases, and we’re practically the only country still going up, still spiking that first wave, while others have gone down. Why? Because we have a madman at the helm who is denying it all. And there isn’t a fucking thing we can do about it until November. Even then… I fear corruption, cheating, voter suppression, Russian interference, etc., just like we had in 2016. There is no guarantee there will be an end to this apocalypse. Meanwhile, we’re being banned entry into other countries. How far we’ve fallen. And yet we still have ignorant idiots who refuse to do a simple thing like wear a mask. We have people throwing tantrums in public places when asked to wear one. Yup. We are officially a shithole country now, to use the Orange Menace’s terminology. I’m ashamed to live here. I never thought I’d feel like that.
So. Each day, I have to bring it back down to basics. Eat. Drink. Work. Shower. Breathe. Check off the to-do list. Sleep. And do it again.
It’s really not much of a life. But it’s all I have right now. I have a home and a job, and for the moment, I have my health. I have food to eat. I have John. Like I said, basics. Grateful for them. But still depressed, afraid and angry. Because there’s no end in sight. Human beings have to learn to live with a degree of uncertainty and unsolved problems, but this is ridiculous.
My beloved cousin will be 98 this month, and my beloved stepmother turned 89 in April. I don’t know when — or even if — I’ll see them again. I don’t know when I’ll see friends I miss so much. I try to keep up correspondence, but with a couple of exceptions, it’s one-sided. I suppose I should be grateful that I’m an introvert, and I can deal with being alone a lot of the time. I don’t know how extroverts who crave company and stimulation from others are dealing with this.
So. If any of you have any suggestions for posts here, anything you’d like to see or revisit, please let me know. Because otherwise, I’ve got nothing. And I don’t think I’ll have anything for a long time.
In conclusion, one of my dearest old friends summed it all up quite well, saying, “2020 can go fuck itself with a rusty spork up the ass.” I couldn’t agree more.
Please, everyone, take care. ♥