Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

A failed experiment

This is one of those entries that’s going to be embarrassing. I am confessing something that makes me feel ridiculous. But because I’ve always tried to be honest here and share the bad with the good, here goes.

I don’t have to tell you guys that things have been stressful for a while. Covid goes on and on. I haven’t seen any friends or played since March of last year. I can’t even get a damn haircut, let alone a spanking. John has been my only physical human contact in a very long time. Things in CA are dire; I read somewhere that one in four people in L.A. has Covid. The vaccine situation is completely fucked up; way too much demand and not enough supply. We are still on Phase 1A, and I am in the Phase 1C group. It could be a long time.

I’ve said this many times over these months — the one thing that’s kept me somewhat sane and distracted from all the bad news is work. I’ve had plenty of it and I’ve been able to pay my bills; so many can’t say that and I’ve been grateful. But for the past two months, my freelance work has been very slow, with all clients. I’m starting to feel the bite, and it’s scary. I’m not sure what’s going on or if things will pick back up. I need communication, and right now, it seems that is hard to come by. Everyone is busy and stressed out and preoccupied. I ask questions that are not answered. Along with the work issue, my laptop has a problem and I wrote to my computer tech friend for some help… haven’t heard back from them either. Fortunately, my desktop still works.

I’ve been chatting with a spanko friend who lives in Oregon; I met him many years ago at a party. He wants to come visit and play when it’s safe, but that will be a while. I had said that I thought self-spanking was lame and frustrating, and he suggested that I give it another try. He detailed some positions that would make it a little easier, dexterity-wise, and said if I could do it long enough and hard enough, perhaps I could achieve some release and enjoy the physical feelings afterward — the tenderness/soreness, the twinges when sitting, etc.

This morning, everything sort of crashed on me. I had no work to do. It had been a weird weekend; I chipped my front tooth and I lost my car keys (minor chip, and I finally found the damn keys, but I had a complete meltdown before I did). So I thought, what the hell, I’ll try self-spanking one more time. Purely as a release, nothing more.

Live and learn. I tried. It was a major fail. Instead of making me feel better, I felt worse.

The physicality of it was easier than it had been when I’d tried it before, thanks to his suggestions about angles and so forth. I had three different implements to use that made for good coverage. I checked in the mirror periodically to see if I was even.

But emotionally, it was a disaster.

As the pain built up and the emotions broke free, I didn’t feel relief. Instead, I felt such a wave of grief, I could hardly stand it. I kept going and going and going, and I sobbed while doing it. Every time I stopped, I craved a hug, some comfort, some human contact and warmth so badly, I’d start up again just so I wouldn’t have to think about it. In short, I made a freaking mess of myself, but I didn’t stop unless I was shaking so hard I didn’t think I could do it safely anymore.

And then I cried for another hour. I’m still crying. Yeah, I feel the tingles and soreness. I may even feel it tomorrow. But without the emotional connection, without a top there to hold me afterward, without a strong pair of arms to crawl into, it’s a masochistic and unsatisfying experience. I feel worse than I did before I started.

Not a damn thing I can do about it except ride it out. Cry as long as I need to. And then pull myself together and go work out. Maybe that’s the only way I can release stress right now. At least I have that.

Goddammit.

For those of you out there who are able to achieve satisfaction and release from self-spanking, I salute you. I envy you. I can’t. I know that now without a doubt. I feel sore, but I feel none of the endorphin high, none of the blissful oblivion. I just want to go back to bed and cry until I can sleep for about 48 hours.

Back to the drawing board. People keep telling me things are going to get better, for all of us. I wish I had some inkling when.

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24 thoughts on “A failed experiment

  1. The thing about self spanking is that it isn’t for when you need human contact. It’s for when you haven’t been spanked in ages and you want a physical release. There’s a happy ending involved, otherwise it does feel like why bother. You can’t get comfort or real emotional release from self spanking, it’s just not possible, and that’s from somebody who started doing it decades ago.

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    • Jen — yeah… just wasn’t expecting it to make me feel worse. I thought at worst, I’d feel the same and it would be a wash.

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      • It would definitely make you feel worse if the emotional release was what you were hoping for. Even when I can get into the mindset and keep G.’s “stern” voice in my head, it’s all physical, because it’s not possible to make myself cry the way G. does during a punishment.

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  2. I’m so sorry that it was a failed experiment, but you deserve major kudos for giving it a try while we remain in a quarantine holding pattern. Just a few miles south of you, things are starting to improve. Outdoor restaurant seating opened up again today down here and other restrictions are slowly being lifted. Vaccines are finally being administered with regularity and President Biden is making this one of his top priorities. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, finally. (Oh, and your hair looks beautiful).

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  3. Again……so much to address.

    When it comes to online interaction among the “kink circuit”, lack of participation is a common complaint. However, I have noticed recently that after a few fellow bloggers shared their own frustration on this, there has been a kind of mutual effort to interact that has resulted in a small uptick of discussion, but an uptick nonetheless.

    BUT……to share in this refreshing, recent trend means you have to go where the action is. If a blog is dead, try one that isn’t. If you are asking questions and getting no answers….. that is terrible. Several of us (myself included) have made it a policy to NEVER do that to our visitors. (So maybe readjust your territory? LOL Hell, you know you are always welcome at my place……and not just for politics. Try jumping in on some of the other stuff. I won’t ignore you.)

    Now the ups and downs of self-spanking. As someone who used to do it in various forms but is lucky enough now to not need to, I definitely can relate to what you are talking about and there is a solution. Whether it would be enough to overcome the emotions you mentioned is another story. That is for you to determine. However, I would suggest combining self-spanking with some form of human interaction. (This definitely helped me through a dry period at one point in my life.) Like you, just doing it made me feel pathetic and miserable, but I found if I just went to any number of online friends who had Toppy streaks in them and who I felt a connection to, and asked if they’d “play”, their involvement was enough to change the entire feel of the session……even as it remained my hand doing the work. All it took was them saying, “Yeah, KDP, you DO deserve a good spanking, Go and give yourself #____ with whatever implement and they better be good ones!” and it completely changed the vibe from something self-indulgent to that more delicious feeling of things being in someone else’s control. Hell, nowadays you can even SKYPE the damned thing in real time.

    But even if due to bad timing or whatever, you just get an overnight confirmation that this is now something a Top you relate to ‘demands’ from you and gives you a # and then asks for you to check in later to say how it went, it is still way closer to what we look for than just doing the whole thing on our own terms.

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  4. Pam — thank you, my friend. I guess you’ve heard different news than I have, regarding the vaccines. But I do have faith in President Biden (how I love saying that).

    KD — I should clarify — when I was talking about not getting answers, that was on the work front, not the kink front. So no worries there. Overall, I’ve found my scene friends to be supportive, which is why I felt safe posting this.

    I suppose I didn’t want to do this with another person watching because, being completely honest, I feel ridiculous and awkward doing it. I thought it was something I could handle on my own. But… I guess I can’t. I don’t regret trying, but damn, the emotional fallout was shocking.

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    • Sorry, I misunderstood about the question-thing. As for someone watching, they need not. My point was that the event be directed by a second party to some degree to give it a different feel. But it seems like you have some very specific criteria for what you are looking for. I suppose I’m more wired to offer advice than hugs. LOL

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  5. Sending virtual hugs I’d you want them. I could definitely see how it would make a crash even worse. Here’s hoping vaccines start to get on track ASAP…

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  6. Vince L on said:

    So sorry that you’re going through this, my friend. That said, the Covid situation will end but it will take a concerted effort on all our parts. And I’m glad that we’re Twitter pals. Hang in. You are cared for by us, your spanko friends. Doesn’t make this much easier, true, but we all need encouragement. Even older guys like me. Chipped teeth suck!

    PS – Got the first vaccine appt (Moderna) this Thursday but in SD county.

    XOXO

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    • Vince — thank you. The key phrase is “all our parts.” How the hell are we going to get rid of this thing if roughly half the country won’t cooperate? (sigh) I really hate people sometimes… with exceptions, of course. ♥

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  7. My theory for why that didn’t work, for what it’s worth, is it’s because you’re not a top. If you’re going to self spank effectively you have to have both the components of the dynamic, so you can switch between them, or maybe even be both at the same time, a bit like Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains.

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  8. I’m sorry, Erica, that your experiment not only didn’t meet your expectations, but actually made you feel worse. It was brave of you to post about such a deeply personal matter and to trust that your friends would understand. And we do. Better days lie ahead.

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  9. Cyberhug

    Non-responsive customers suck 😦 I run my own business too, so believe me, I know what you are talking about. Hope things pick up for you again soon. Your chipped tooth suck, but at least you found your car keys again. I had a slightly comparable car key situation yesterday morning, when I was supposed to drive my kid to daycare. My keys weren’t where they were supposed to be, and it turned out that my wife had forgotten to take them out of her pocket the day before, when she’d been using it to pick up the kid from daycare. So I had to take the kid on foot, during a slight snowfall. Thankfully it’s not far, and I didn’t need to drive during the day.

    If much of your emotional release from a spanking, is associated with the physical touch and comforting of the top after the session, it’s no surprise that your self-spanking experiment didn’t work out as hoped. But that being said, I am surprised that it made you feel as you describe, though I think I might see why it resulted in that 😦

    Anyway, I’m going to give you a suggestion, and I know exactly how this is going to sound, but bear with me. Law of Attraction.

    This is something that my dance partner through 14+ years introduced me to a long time ago. And though I didn’t believe a word of it initially, the great part about this stuff is that A) it’s free, and only requires you to be involved, and B) Even if it’s a load of crap, you will brighten up your life by learning you to focus on all the positive things in your life, and letting go of the negative stuff. It ain’t always easy, but our focus helps shape our reality. Focus on all the bad stuff, and the world is going to suck. Focus on all the good things, and things that go our way instead of focusing on the stuff that goes against us, and the world sucks a lot less.

    So worst case scenario, this just brightens up your outlook on life, and otherwise does nothing. But best case, this stuff works, and you can start attracting stuff you desire into your life. Having heard my dance partner’s stories about her experiences with this stuff, over the past decade or so, and given all the coincidences I’ve experienced myself over the years of giving this a shot, I can no longer tell you with any certainty that it doesn’t work 😉 So IMO it’s worth trying.

    Basic procedure: Learn to focus on all the good things in your life. Focus on feeling appreciative of them. Ask the universe for the things you’d like to see happen in your life. Ask only for what you WANT to happen. NEVER for stuff you DON’T want to happen. And don’t think about how what you ask for could come to happen. It ain’t your problem. Need money? Try asking along the lines of “I will always be able to pay my bills”, and mentally say “Thank you for the money”, every time you pay for something, no matter where.

    And again. I know EXACTLY how this babble sounds.

    Anyway, all the best to you Erica. Hope we’ll all be through this pandemic shit soon.

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    • Kyrel — babble or not, I really appreciate that you took the time and effort to type it out for me. Thank you. My brain needs rewiring, certainly, having been a clinical depressive most of my life. It takes conscious effort to focus on the good. ♥

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      • It does for most of us Erica. My own brain has a tendency to focus and remember the things I screwed up the best. Most likely because it’s often mistakes I’d like to avoid repeating. Unfortunately I rarely have the same memory for all the good stuff that happens in my life. So remembering to focus on all the positive stuff is very much a conscious effort for me too. But it gets easier with time, if you decide to try and do it consistently.

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  10. I keep writing and erasing that I know what you’re going through. I don’t. We’ve never met. But we share some things — writing, freelancing, possibly uncertain finances (mine always feel uncertain, anyway) and depression. My clients are slow right now, largely because they’re going through the same things I am. If you’re not getting responses, that seems like a reasonable reason why. A month after the holidays broke up the monotony of quarantine and a week after inauguration only pointed to solutions, didn’t fix anything, the bleak of January is evident. I know you’re used to physical release of working out as well as spanking dates and missing that physical side adds to anxiety. 16 inches of snow is stopping even daily hikes in my usually people-free foothills. I’m glad you tried something even if it didn’t work and I know you went through hell after. Wondering if the crying was something you needed, however unwelcome it was. My response to one thing after another plus quarantine has been to fall twice this winter in the dark predawn hour my husband goes to work. Anxiety will come out, one way or the other. The virus will end. Stay safe

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    • Ariel — Ugh! I’m sorry about your falls. I hope you didn’t injure yourself too badly. Yeah, this is a crappy time for everyone, I guess, all the way around. And each person is dealing with their own personal hell. I think my work slowing down came as a shock because it didn’t do so up until this point — all last year during isolation, I had plenty to keep myself out of trouble (and debt). I am lucky in the fact that I do have retirement savings, which many don’t, but of course, I don’t want to spend that now. But it’s there if I need it. Missing spanking wreaks havoc with my psyche more than anything else — that, and missing the deep connection. I crave it. However, we’ve all come this far. I guess the final stretch is the hardest.

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  11. Anonymous on said:

    Unfortunately a self spanking does not provide for any surprise as there is only pain. I think your competitive bratty spirit needs to be released for the spanking to become the experience you are craving. I hope you have an opportunity to play again soon. I do enjoy reading your blog

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