The Seinfeld of Spanko Blogs… a post about nothing

Blech. Every day, I look at how long it’s been since I posted something, and I think I really should come up with an entry. And then every day, I got nothing. I really admire people who are faithfully coming up with regular entries in this time of Covid. I don’t seem to be able to. All I can do is toss in a brief update or two and essentially restate the same crap over and over. It’s now been a year since I last played. You can’t really keep up a spanking blog when there’s no spanking.

All we have right now is correspondence. And lest you all think everything I receive is CHoS material, fortunately, that’s not the case. It’s amazing how a well timed email can perk up my day. Like this one, out of nowhere, from my friend in Oregon who wants to come here when it’s safe. Who the hell knows when that will be… but at least it’s on his mind.

So… I want you over my knee! Nice slow warm-up…then hard hand, leather, wood, maybe cane.

Oh, yeah? I wrote back, “Wood belongs in the fireplace.”

To which he replied: Wood belongs across your bare bottom.

Oh, my. And then last week I woke up to this:

I think that an early morning, good hard spanking would be the best way to start your day!  Hard hand spanking, then a morning of no panties or pants allowed.

(sigh) I said that coffee and cereal sounded so mundane after that. However, I’ll pass on that last part — it’s too cold! Yes, even in CA, it’s too cold to sit around half naked.

From another periodic correspondent, a local one:

So when you get your vaccine, may I beat you?

Why yes, yes, you may. (Oh, and before people complain about the word choice, he and I established long ago that “beat” is his preferred word for “spank” and he would refrain from using it if it bothered me. I told him it didn’t.) This man remains one of my biggest frustrations. We met for coffee at the end of 2019, hit it off, thought something really good was going to come of it. But as timing would have it, he had a family situation come up at the holidays and went back East to stay for a couple of months… and then Covid hit, pretty much putting the kibosh on everything.

So it seems that the future holds some play for me. But how far in the future, who the hell knows. I am not high on any of the priority lists for vaccination. And since I’ve come this far being able to stay well due to diligent observation of safety precautions, I don’t want to get careless now. So far this year, the national parties are being canceled once again. I’m wondering what kind of long-term effects Covid is going to have on these gatherings. Therefore, it’s looking more and more like I need to find a local partner or two, because I don’t think I’m going to be able to see my scene friends again anytime soon. I’m kind of out of the loop these days anyway… have lost touch with many of them.

Haven’t lost touch with Jillian Keenan though — she included me in another one of her multi-part group videos! I love participating in these. This time, she asked several people to talk about their favorite implements. Part 1 is Jillian herself, then the incomparable Ariel Andersen, talking about about leather belts (yum), and then yours truly. If you’re so inclined, you can see it here.

In other news… there isn’t any. I had a bit of a scare a couple of weeks ago when I got a callback on a routine mammogram. I had to go back for a second mammogram and an ultrasound; that’s never happened before. I was told repeatedly that this was common, but guess what… I was still scared out of my mind. And I had to wait a week between the time I got the call to when I could get an appointment for the repeat procedures. However, the good news was that I got the results immediately — tiny cyst. That’s it. I made it back to my car and then broke down and cried, I was so relieved. After that, hell, I’ll take dullness and routine, y’all.

How is everyone doing? ♥

Correspondence Hall of Shame, 2/5

First CHoS of 2021, and it’s a special one. Most often I do a collection of these, but every now and then, I get a single one that is so outrageous, it merits its own column. Today’s entry is one of those.

To refresh your memories, one of my peeviest peeves is The Form Letter. You know the kind I mean; the ones that are so clearly sent to multiple women, probably at random, just to see if anyone takes the bait. They’re overly long, way too detailed, and completely impersonal. Usually what the guy is talking about has nothing to do with what I seek.

Last week, I got one of those. As far as the writing goes, aside from a few typos, it’s not the usual misspelled gobbledy-gook. But wait till you read it. It’s mind-boggling.

I only contact the slave that I am seriously interested in. And I am very, very interested in you.

I am exceptional, direct, and decisive. I used to be good enough and never take a position. Now, in life and everywhere, I dwell in the ultimate. Private homes, yachts, aircraft, vacations, parties are the fruit of the exceptional. And as the exceptional does, I am always on great adventures that is only made possible by living life with NO Limits.

By definition the ultimate has No Limits. Limits are for the masses and fake masters, not the Masters of the Universe.

By the way, speaking of limits, those with planes and yachts live in the entire world with no limits, hence living life to the fullest, while those without live in their box (apartment) and waste their lives. Yes, having multiple homes “going home” and “safer at home” means travel and freedom. And yes, yachts and planes are homes.

You want a master with No Limits. And a master with no limits with life, must have no limits with you. A slave must be a Master’s great possession.

I seek my permanent slave to match. Sexually, physically, domestically, loyalty, and to sacrifice all unconditionally and with 100% NO Limits. TPE Total Power Exchange and Total Slavery.

Most slaves, even before 2020, waste their lives. Live a rut, partial existence in a coma. Most masters as fake. Most Masters truly are not the master of even their own lives. Screaming masters at night and employee slaves by day, weighing limited options caused by limited finances and limited time that persists through their lives enslaving them, directly due to their lack of vision of abundance and life of No Limits. And now, with closures and the online future here, most masters are “masters” of their apartment, not their balcony, as long as they are quiet as a mouse, follow the government, apartment complex, noise and behavior rules. Yes, they are masters of the universe in the hallucinations of their mind, as they age away in their monthly rented apartment box. OMG.

Issues, age, looks, absolutely takes a back seat to attitude and 100% unlimited unconditional loyalty and self-sacrifice. With the right attitude anything can be overcome and I always overcome everything.

I am driven to live the Ultimate Life. The ultimate of anything is Unlimited with No Limits. Only an idiot would consciously choose a wasted rut life in a coma as most do.

1) Read my profile
2) Look over my albums and pics
3) Tell me if you have the right attitude
4) What is your name and cell # to talk to move forward?

Holy crap.

Well, first, because I’m a non-paying member, I can’t read his damn profile, nor can I look at his pictures. However, I can see how many he has. Most guys on Alt, if they have a picture at all, have one or two, maybe three. At the most, a half dozen. This guy has twenty-four.

Second… Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Really? Am I supposed to believe this is real? Is any woman out there stupid enough to buy any of this?

I get fantasy, truly I do. But reality is always firmly in the picture. Real life has limits. Life has responsibilities. So, I’m seeing one of two scenarios here. Either this guy is a rich trust fund baby who’s never had to work a day in his life and thinks he can buy someone, or he actually lives in one of those “boxes” he bangs on and on about and he’s completely full of it.

Every time I reread this thing, I notice something else. My favorite part? The last sentence: “What is your name?” There it is, solid proof that he doesn’t bother reading profiles, that he just sends this out at random. My name is right there; it is my profile name. Crystal clear.

How sad to go through life so completely pickled in contempt for mere mortals and how we live. Can you imagine how someone with this level of arrogance and superiority would actually treat a woman?

I almost never answer any of these, as you know. But this time, I couldn’t resist. So I send back one word. “Seriously???” And attached this picture.

I didn’t expect to get an answer. But two days later, he replied. “Yes, seriously. 100%”

Wow. Okay. I’m done. Carry on, Your Majesty. And good luck to you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit here in my coma until tomorrow, when I go to visit my boring and mundane beloved who owns only two residences, no planes, no yachts. I can live with that, though. I get seasick. And overinflated egos tend to nauseate me as well.

Have a good weekend, y’all. Be safe.

Missing a clip — Chross? Anyone?

I never saw a single episode of “Saved By the Bell.”

And now you’re probably thinking I’ve finally lost my mind, wondering what the hell that has to do with anything. Follow my train of thought. All roads lead to spanking.

On Monday, I read about the unfortunate passing of Dustin Diamond (cancer, not Covid) at 44 — he played “Screech” on SBTB. And in the write-ups about him, he was often mentioned alongside co-star Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

MPG played the preppy, bleached blond high-schooler Zack Morris in SBTB. These days, he’s virtually unrecognizable, playing the derpy New Age dad on “Mixed-ish.” But somewhere between the two roles, MPG was quite the hunk of sexy beast.

And it was during that period that he guest-starred in a 2010 episode of “Weeds,” and participated in possibly the hottest scene in that show’s history. When most people think of “Weeds” and spanking, they recall the OTK scene between Mary-Louise Parker and Demian Bichir in the back of a limo. IMO, the scene between MPG and MLP made the limo spanking look like child’s play.

The actual spanking portion of the scene is brief; actually a bare-bottom belting. But the whole thing is so freaking hot, with the most perfect buildup ever, the most perfect dialogue. The chemistry between the two of them sizzles the screen. I think I blogged about it way back when. Used to be you could find the entire scene online, including on Chross’s Movies and TV Database. I watched it many times.

So, the other day I had a hankering to watch it once again. Went to Chross’s database, found it, clicked View. “This video has been flagged.” Whaaaat??

Okay. Maybe it was somewhere else. I remembered the name of the episode was “Gentle Puppies.” I Googled everything I could think of. “Weeds Gentle Puppies bar scene Mark-Paul Gosselaar.” I found articles about that scene; apparently a lot of people agreed that it was steamy. I found a few pictures and a couple of gifs. But I could not find the clip at all, not even part of it, not anywhere.

What happened?? Have we gotten so damned puritanical that the clip was deemed too pornographic or something to leave online? Ugh!

For those who don’t recall the scene, I’ll do the next best thing — I’ll describe it. Perhaps it will jog some pleasant memories. To the best of my recollection (remember, I watched this a hell of a lot of times), Nancy (Parker’s character) winds up in an empty dive bar in the middle of the day. She makes herself at home, walking behind the counter and helping herself to a beer. The owner (MPG) then comes out and doesn’t look too pleased. She proceeds to sit at the bar, helping herself to peanuts and being thoroughly obnoxious to him. Another man comes in, sits down and starts watching the game on the overhead TV.

Nancy then pulls out a cigarette and starts to light it. MPG tells her there’s no smoking in this bar. She protests that there’s no one there, and he insists she can’t smoke. She then gestures at the sole customer sitting at the bar, “You mind?” He shakes his head. So she lights up anyway. MPG looks pissed. Then, abruptly, he turns off the TV and tells the other guy “We’re closed.” The man leaves, and MPG locks the door after him. Meanwhile, Nancy still sits at the bar, looking a bit apprehensive.

MPG slowly walks over to her, comes up right next to her. With one hand, he takes her cigarette and stubs it out, and with the other he roughly fists her hair. Oh. My. God.

Look at her face. She knows she’s in trouble.

And then the following dialogue happens:

MPG: I said no smoking. You don’t listen.
Nancy: No… no, I don’t.
MPG: Do you need someone to make you?
Nancy: Mmmhmmm…

Holy crap. Not since “You’re going to grow up, all the way, right now” has a bit of spanko dialogue made me so weak in the knees. Then the scene jumps to Nancy’s bare bottom bent over the bar, and MPG is thrashing it with his belt.

Aaaaand then the next thing we know, they’re both naked and he’s going at her like a wild stallion. Glasses are crashing and smashing and no one cares.

The scene ends with him clinging to her from behind, and Nancy, ever the grifter and opportunist, is slipping an expensive-looking watch from his wrist onto hers.

Ring any bells, kids? Any ideas where this scene could be found? Hell, I’ll purchase the entire episode if I have to. This one is a keeper. Weeds, Gentle Puppies, 2010. Anyone?