Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

On my mind

Been thinking lately about the effect words and phrases have to those of us in the kink persuasion. How certain terms can push all kinds of buttons — positive and negative. How a word or set of words can mean something to one person, and something altogether to another. Many of these have been discussed again and again and I’m not here right now to discuss the psychology of what turns whom on or off. Just thinking about a couple of terms I take exception with, and why.

I was emailing with a top last week, one I hope to meet up with when we can finally get our vaccinations and life can return. I made an offhand comment about how I was concerned that I’ve lost my tolerance, not having played now for over a year. He wrote back, “Nah, it’s like riding a bicycle. Once a pain slut, always a pain slut.”

I don’t have a problem with the word “slut” when it’s used in this sort of context. As long as it isn’t slut shaming, I’m okay with it. However, I don’t think I’m a pain slut.

I’m a spanking slut. When it comes to that specific fetish and everything around it, I am insatiable. But do I crave pain?

No. Not really.

Is “pain slut” synonymous with “masochist”? I don’t consider myself a masochist. Maybe others do, because within the realm of spanking play, I play hard. But even despite that, I have plenty of limits.

When examining the various posts/tweets/etc. of fellow spankos, I see so many other things being discussed, everything from nipple play to bastinado. Face slapping to leg caning. It seems that many people who share my fetish also have a taste for other flavors of pain.

I don’t. Honestly, I hate pain. I have no tolerance for it, except on my bottom. Somehow, pain inflicted on my butt is wired into my endorphins and sexual feelings. But it’s shocking how little pain I can take anywhere else. When I read about nipple torture, for example, I practically fold in on myself. I can’t even stand to have mine touched, let alone struck, pinched or clamped.

My kink, my fetish, my love of pain has a sharp and singular focus. How many others can say this? I wish I knew more people like me. So many things I can’t relate to. I wish I could, but I can’t. And then, of course, people aren’t comfortable discussing their own predilections with me, because they know I’m not relating.

Regarding the gentleman’s comment, I wrote back and explained my preferred term and why. He understood. He also said that he hoped I hadn’t inferred any desire on his part to cause me any pain over and above what I want, and then when we play, it will be safe, sane and consensual always. I appreciated that more than you can imagine… and in particular, I loved that he said when, not if.

Moving on — in 2018, I chose to retire from shooting spanking content. It was time, I thought, and I don’t regret it. I don’t think I ever publicized what led to that decision. It was a lot of things… but it boils down to an essential two.

One, I no longer enjoyed the way I looked on camera. I used to. But in the last couple of productions I watched, I saw changes in my body and my skin that I found unflattering. Simple as that. And if I wasn’t enjoying this anymore, there was no reason to do it. It had always been about fun and self-expression to me.

And two… I saw a hateful person refer to me still doing videos as “granny porn.”

I’d never heard or seen that term before. It made me sick. MILF and cougar are bad enough. But this term was so unflattering, so mean, it really shook me up. I instantly envisioned those awful cartoons of the old Playboy magazines, with the horny, predatory old woman and her saggy boobs.

I then learned that was a real term, a real thing, a genre within porn. I started seeing women using the term. And that made me even sicker.

It’s bad enough living in a world where women aren’t supposed to age. But when some of us buck the trend and exhibit our sexuality past society’s cutoff age, we shouldn’t have to tolerate such degrading terms. And we sure as hell shouldn’t be perpetuating them.

I saw a performer I have always admired use that term about her work, and I begged her to please, please, please don’t refer to her good work that way. She replied that it was a standard term in the industry and she saw no reason to sugarcoat it.

No, don’t sugarcoat it. How about fucking eliminating it?

I am proud of the fact that I started shooting spanking content at an age where most bottoms have retired, and that I continued it for 18 years. But I didn’t want to become a joke, an object of ridicule. And to me, the terminology around older women doing fetish film is degrading. We’re made to look like fools.

On Twitter, there’s a guy who does nothing but post spanking pictures from other people’s work and then captions them with insulting and embarrassing descriptions. “Fat MILF gets her ass spanked.” “Grandpa teaches a lesson.” One time, he posted a photo of me with Danny Chrighton… and captioned it, “Erica Scott plays with her son.” Really?? For fuck’s sake, Danny’s eleven years younger than I am. Is it really that outrageous? Men shoot with women one half to one third their age, but a woman can’t shoot with a man who is a few years younger without evoking that kind of ageist crap? I really didn’t want any more of that, and I could see the writing on the wall: it wasn’t going to go away. As time passed, it would only increase. The bad would outweigh the good. The compliments would dwindle while the mean-spirited critiques would escalate. Time to stop.

What’s my point? Women out there in the industry, particularly those of you who are no longer in your twenties and thirties — please don’t perpetuate this terminology. We can’t change society, but maybe we can change a few minds. Maybe if we don’t condone degrading terms, fewer people will use them. One can hope.

I’d love to hear what people think about either of these terms I’ve mentioned, even those who disagree. I miss spanko chats, truly I do. I feel like play and enjoying this thing I love is so tantalizingly within reach. Maybe another month or two? Fingers crossed.

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14 thoughts on “On my mind

  1. Having this kink as an integral part of who I am, I’ve always been clear that pain is, at a minimum, secondary to the complex interplay of the emotions involved — trust, mutual respect, the dynamics of the power exchange, and more. And I think it’s a disservice to the nature of the kink, and the people who enjoy it, to trivialize or minimize it with crude epithets.

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    • Bob — I understand. Honestly, that particular expression doesn’t offend me; I just don’t think it fits me. Maybe I’m inured to the word “slut” because John uses it playfully all the time, to which I reply “But I’m YOUR slut.” But I get it; sometimes, things hit a really sour note.

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  2. I think things like masochist are self definitions. I personally don’t consider myself a masochist either, but plenty of people do. And I often don’t enjoy pain even when it IS on my butt… even in the context of spanking. Not enjoying it is kind of part of it for me. 😬

    I also don’t identify as a submissive. I know you didn’t mention that one, but it’s another term that I think other people really like to define for you (or take away… since there’s also the phenomenon of gate keeping bullshit).

    As for granny porn… I’m not sure I’m getting it. I think I’ve heard the term, but I thought it referred to actual geriatric porn. Are you saying people use the term in reference to any “older” actress? Because… that seems like it would be confusing (since geriatric porn IS a thing… at least I’m pretty sure?), and yes, that’s pretty insulting. I don’t necessarily see an issue with actual geriatric porn even though it’s certainly not my thing… as long as everyone on camera is there by choice and having fun, go wild. And I don’t necessarily see an issue with the term “granny porn” in that context or see it as offensive.

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    • Xen — all good points. Yup, you know I don’t identify as submissive either. That doesn’t mean I can’t submit. But it’s not a given.
      Re. the other — I do know geriatric porn exists. It’s a real thing. But I hate that term granny porn, even when it’s used for geriatric people. It’s degrading. It’s ageist. And, as you guessed, it’s often used in derision to describe women in the industry who are older (but not geriatric). For example, the woman I mentioned in my post, who referred to her own work as granny porn and said she wouldn’t sugarcoat the term? Um… she’s several years younger than I am.

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  3. “It’s bad enough living in a world where women aren’t supposed to age.” but performers do age and their advanced age as they produce content and live their lives creates a need for categorization. The coinage of the term, granny porn, is proof of market interest. Do you even have a suggestion for a preferable designation?
    Frankly I think the source of your ‘feeling sick’ has less to do with the media representations than how you struggle with your own physical changes and insistence on not accepting them. I comprehend the fear but demanding that everybody else change their language to satisfy your demands isn’t a viable solution. (although it’s very much part of a trend)
    I assure you that as we both grow older, I shall continue to follow you and appreciate your essays (and other tidbits)

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    • To answer these terminology issues, I have to first acknowledge that when it comes to this I have my objective view and my subjective view….and they are dissimilar. Rosa and I don’t dirty talk like many do. When I read someone who seems relatively mainstream saying ” I love to suck his cock” or “fuck my pussy”, I cringe. Even “cum”, “dick”, “tits”, and other colloquialisms bug me. (But please don’t think I’m Anti-Semantic. LOL) We are very proper here in our ‘love-language’. Rosa and I either use the real words, or euphemisms, but rarely the commonly-accepted vulgar term. So in that regard, I understand you. And to me, “pain slut” is one of those terms that can sound dismissive or vulgar while just being a commonly-used expression to describe something in a less formal way than “masochist”. (Still I think one can be into sex without being a slut and therefore also into pain and not be wanton about seeking it. So it’s not terribly all-encompassing and therefore prone to sounding negative.)

      Now, on the other hand, the objective “writer” part of me see ALL words and terms as valid within a context. I’m a grandfather that occasionally posts pictures of myself online. Now while “I” wouldn’t call it “grandpa porn”, if someone else did, I could hardly object…..because it is. Words can convey intent or be interpreted as having implied an intent that may not be accurate. Each case has to be taken within its own merits. If someone is using words to be cruel, then they are kind of a mean asshole. But the words themselves have no such venom. (Consider the “N”-word. Is it the word itself that is racist? If so, why is it acceptable for Black people to use it with each other? Obviously there is more to it than the combination of letters itself.)

      If someone want s to be mean, they can do so with the most innocuous of words. Similarly, a vulgar person, could just be trying to be clear and say something offensive with no intention of doing so. There simply are no easy answers in life and ‘semantics’ is just one more.

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  4. Kyrel on said:

    Not everyone clicks on the same words or expressions, let alone necessarily attach the same value or meaning to various expressions. The “pain slut” expression is one that I don’t really have an opinion on. I can follow your thought on the issue, and I’m not really sure if there’s any “official” definition of the term. So some people might use it for an individual like you, who enjoys a particular type of pain only, and some might think of an individual with a much wider appreciation for various types of pain (though most likely in a specific context. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone enjoying the sensation of bashing a toe against the bed corner in the dark…)
    “Granny Porn” is probably another one of those things that people attache different meanings to. Personally I always thought that it actually referred to porn staring a woman who was of relatively advanced age (and here I’m thinking something along the lines of around retirement age, where it’s probably that the woman might have grandchildren). The age step below that I’ve always considdered to be “MILF” porn, and I don’t personally use either term in a derogatory meaning, but rather just as a sort of classification.
    When that’s said, I can follow your aversion to the expression, when used in a negative way. There’s way too much focus on age, when it comes to women, today, and yea, sometimes people (especially on the internet) use derogatory terms about a woman, solely based on her age, with which I don’t agree. However, I tend to write that off to people generally tending to more readily express themselves offensively, when they don’t have to stand face-to-face with someone, when they say it. I simply considder such people asshats.

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  5. tomy nash on said:

    I’d like to comment on the age thing. Spanking is ultimately an intimate experience, and if it is based on superficiality (age/appearance) it’s already a much lower order of activity.

    If a man cannot see the divine feminine in every woman, then he’s emotionally half-blind. It doesn’t take much to simply see it in any woman’s eyes if you just look. Personally, I see both the innocent youth and the wise old woman in older women. (Not that every woman has the same amount of wisdom, but all have that innocent youth in there somewhere.)

    Oh and it really is the same for men. But personally, I focus on women.

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  6. potomacker — you make good points. Harsh, but valid. I agree, part of my distaste for the terminology is my own private distaste and fear about aging. But I still believe that particular term is insulting. I don’t know what would be a good replacement, as I don’t like any of those descriptors, but it seems something like mature or even senior would take the female gender out of it and not evoke imagery like those Playboy cartoons.
    Also, to be clear, I know it’s not realistic to expect that the term be eradicated. What I was asking was that women of a certain age themselves not perpetuate it. Why do we need these designations when they are subverted to be derisive? When we see content of barely legal young women with men two and three times their age, do we call it “cradle robber porn”? Or how about “pedo porn”? I don’t think that would go over very well.

    KD — anti-Semantic, ha! Well, this post did what I wanted — it stirred up discussion. You’re right; words themselves are just words. It’s how they are uttered that gives them the power to lift spirits, or cut someone to ribbons.

    Kyrel — oh, come on. Surely there’s a toe-smashing fetish out there. (grinning) Thanks for weighing in. Overall, it seems I’m overreacting to the term. I guess I kinda expected that. But I’m very passionate about certain things.

    Tomy — thank you for stopping by. That’s a very nice perspective.

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  7. “Why do we need these designations when they are subverted to be derisive? ” I don’t follow why you’ve reached this conclusion. The term, granny porn, is used to help people find what they want to see and for producers to better advertise their content. Its use came about because it serves a need for such a designation. It can only be construed as derisive by those who don’t produce nor consume. As for mature, that seems to be one step above MILF, and senior might make sense if there were junior, but senior porn sounds too much like a euphemism for barely legal, high school porn.
    There are women in my family who became grandmothers in their 30s but I don’t think that shades my argument here. The existence of this genre does, however, indicate that there is a broader appeal for women of all ages and types that, I would think, is a positive step forward and counters the idea the the market/society/men/wankers only want female models in their 20s and 30s

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  8. You ask, “My kink, my fetish, my love of pain has a sharp and singular focus. How many others can say this?”

    Some women I’ve played spanking games with have more than one focus going on at the same time. One had a horror of harshly touching breasts that dated back to a childhood incident, and another had issues connected to a violent rape she’d suffered while out jogging. They enjoyed some things, not only spanking, but they had these other things going on too at all times, including when spanking. Like Walt Whitman they were multitudes, so more than one focus mattered to a good time.

    Perhaps some aspects of spanking while older require respect as such an extra focus. Unflattering body and skin issues happen with age, so maybe we don’t play totally nude anymore, under cheaply done lighting. Give that other focus some respect, now that it has screamed for attention. A butt can still be spanked, even a bare butt.

    I am not arguing with your choice for your own pleasures. I’m was inspired by your mention of breasts, and a singular focus, and as I thought about it more ideas came.

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