Never assume; you know what happens when you do
So, in the sea of poor correspondence, I actually got a reply that sounded interesting earlier this week. He sounded like he knew what TTWD is all about and stated it articulately. He attached a head shot and he looked nice. He was local. He didn’t push to talk on the phone or text. All good signs, so I agreed to meet for coffee.
He wrote yesterday to check in and verify we were still on. Also good. But then later, he included a little poem that really had nothing to do with anything, and it was in questionable taste to say the least. Red flag? Yeah, probably. But everything else had been good so far, so I ignored it and figured if he asked about it, why I hadn’t reacted, I’d tell him.
I arrived at noon; he was already there. He was tall and attractive… but right away, something felt off. I can’t tell you what it was; it was just a vibe I got. This is why I always, always meet people publicly first. Because I have no idea what someone is really like until I see them and talk to them face to face.
We sat down. He said I looked great; I said thank you. Then he asked me how long I’ve been into spanking. I started with the general story of discovering Shadow Lane nearly 27 years ago, finding out I wasn’t alone, that there were lots of others like me, blah blah blah. He smiled and said something softly. I thought I heard him, but no… he couldn’t have said that. I must have heard wrong. So I said, “I’m sorry, what?”
And he repeated, “I know what c***s like you want.”
I felt like a freaking bus had slammed into my gut. I grabbed my purse and got up from the table, started to leave. He seemed genuinely shocked. “Where are you going? What happened?” I said, “You. Do. NOT. Call me that. Ever.” He asked me repeatedly to please sit back down, and I was so flummoxed, I did. I could tell from his rambling and justifying that somehow, he had gotten the idea that I would like that kind of talk. I took a deep breath. “I don’t like degradation. I don’t like humiliation. I don’t like being called names. And I don’t like men who use that word.”
I stayed for a few more minutes, trying to get past it, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I felt creeped out and uncomfortable and no matter how he tried, he couldn’t undo that. He brought up that poem he’d written to me the night before. I said, “Why did you send me that?” He said he was just “testing things.” Good grief. Yeah, I get it… some people like that kind of talk. But then I said, “You might want to get some preliminaries out of the way before you assume to go in that direction.” He had the grace to look sheepish.
Then he asked, “Do you think you could ever be comfortable with me?” I said no. He sighed. “Then I won’t keep you.” And we got up and left. I walked out ahead of him, and heard him call out, “Take care, Erica.” I couldn’t wait to jump into my car and peel out of there. I was shaking all the way home, and when I finally got back here. I burst into tears.
Again… I get it. Not everyone feels like I do about this sort of thing. But you start out respectful. You start out polite, and you reveal your needs, wants, preferences. And if you like anything sort of edgy, that’s to be negotiated and clarified — not thrown in your face five minutes within meeting. Never. Assume. Err on the side of caution first. And as you get to know a play partner better, then you can experiment, take some chances, try things. But for sweet fuck’s sake, don’t come right out of the gate with that kind of talk. Just because I like to be spanked doesn’t mean I don’t have a healthy self-esteem. I want to be treated with respect and kindness. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s a weird-ass dichotomy to say that when I’m also saying I want you to slap my butt. But it seems to me that anyone with a modicum of common sense would understand the difference. Why is common sense so goddamned uncommon?
Ugh. You know, before I left, I took a couple of selfies. I liked how I looked with my makeup on, my hair freshly blown out, and wearing a green sweater for St. Paddy’s Day. I felt pretty for about five minutes, before he made me feel like I needed to be steam cleaned. But screw it. He’s not taking that away from me.
So… maybe next time, the guy will be worth this. 😉 For now, I can’t concentrate on work to save my life, so I’m going to do some cleaning. Have a great weekend, y’all. ♥
People like him make me want to scream. I want to correct you on one point, Erica. I disagree you start out polite and respectful, and I am a spanker. You are always polite and respectful. Anything you do during The Thing We Do is acting. You do not denigrate and mean it even during spanking. You do not humiliate. To strike in true anger IMHO is sadistic. No matter how hard the spanking is, you do not truly think badly of the spankee even for one second.
I truly think what each of us won’t do most defines who we are.
You handled it superbly, given an awful situation. It saddens me you had to endure him.
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You look very pretty as always, Erica.
Good on you Erica!!! I thought of Dev on the 17th, his birthday.
You are beautiful. And articulate, and smart, and sexy.
Sorry you stepped in a pile. Scrape off your shoes and keep on stepping.
I hate this happened to you. Glad I was not in your place as I wouldn’t have sat back down. Asshole ruined your day.
My thoughts, in no obvious order, are: (1) you look truly beautiful in that photo, (2) sorry, but your sweater looks blue/turquoise/aquamarine to me, but not green (I can feeling your eye roll from here), and (3) most importantly, that guy really missed a chance to spend time with one of the most genuine, kind, funny, snarky, charming people whom I have the good fortune to call my friend.
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Bob — you’re absolutely right, of course. I was unclear; I didn’t mean you start out respectful and polite and then you can morph into a jerk. Only that in the beginning, you take extra care to establish the boundaries and preferences and never assume anything. Some say that erring on the side of caution is lame, but these days, hell… it’s the way to go, I’m afraid.
Jenny — I didn’t know today was Devlin’s birthday. That was nice of you to remember.
T — thank you, sister. Will do.
Rae — it’s okay. Hey, I got some cleaning done, so the day wasn’t a complete loss.
Pam — (laughing) No, not rolling my eyes. I guess it’s sort of blue-green? It’s one of those weird colors — put next to pure green, it looks blue, but next to pure blue, it looks green.
Thank you, my friend. ♥ All the love.
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Here’s to finding someone tall and attractive who thinks you are a great person and wants to explore what that means.
Love the pic , you look very nice. I do have to ask , are you sure your not an airline stewardess out of tampa ? I could have swore you served me jack & coke on a flight this weekend. I was so sure it was you i wanted to lift skirt and see if bottom was red ! 😉. Lol (jk ). Girl looked allot like you
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Rich — at this point, the tall and attractive was merely a bonus. I’m so wanting someone who knows what’s they’re doing (and how to talk to a woman without making her want to take a shower).
PD — thank you. Yes, I’m quite sure I’m not a flight attendant. I don’t like heights.
Knowing when to walk away is an important skill to have.
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No matter what color we call the sweater, you look smashing, Erica, and I am glad your instincts are superb. Spankers and spankees IMO are no different than any other group of people. A small % superb top of the line people, a small % jerks, and most of us typical, in between those types of people. I sincerely hope you met your last jerk.
PS: I must tease you for saying you don’t like heights. You may not like being thousands of feet in the air, but obviously like the height of a man’s knee. (LOL) Which pleased no doubt, the men involved along the way!
Bob. I agree , shes fibbing a bit. Claims she does not like heights but has admitted to being in “subspace” many times ! 😂.
Fibbers like that need spanked again !
You’re no less of a person for wanting spankings or even discipline. Actually, I think it takes bravery and self-esteem to ask for and take spankings. Is Mr. Red Flag up to the challenge?
I think the way to talk to a woman is to talk with her. It’s so much more fulfilling, IMO, when there’s a relationship, and the partners can enjoy our special activities to their mutual benefit.
I’d hate to think any of the women I’ve spanked didn’t get the experience they were seeking from it. Ideally, they wanted more, just not right away!
He called you c**t and thought that would be acceptable?
I would understand if he said that word in anger during a heated argument. I’d understand, but I still wouldn’t like it. But it sounded as if he intended it to sound seductive. Oy! I’m not even Jewish, but “Oy” seems like it’s the most appropriate thing to say.
I guess the good part of it was that he tipped his hand early. You didn’t have to invest a lot of time, effort and emotion having a relationship with him.
About the picture: You look very pretty. That shade of green (or bluish-green) is good for you.
Prefectdt: — yes, it is.
Bob — unless I’m playing with the Jolly Green Giant, a lap is hardly a scary height to fall from! (laughing)
Rich — that is the absolute best, when you end a scene thinking, “I can’t wait to play with him again.”
Hugo — thank you. IMO, that word isn’t acceptable in any circumstance. But I know I’m a bit extreme in that. Nevertheless, in a playful use like that? NO WAY. I mean, if we’d talked for a while, he had a sense of who I was, and then he leaned forward and said something like “I know what bad girls like you want,” that would have been another story.
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You probably don’t want my opinion on this. LOL I have had very limited “scene” experience but I used to attend ‘munches’ for a while before I met Rosa, and as I awaited my divorce. Granted this is just one person’s limited experience, BUT, I personally never met any Top at a munch, male or female, who wasn’t totally full of themselves, with the men probably being the worse of the two. You would not believe the things I heard these people say and the attitude that came along with it. I did not do well in this environment and soon abandoned it in favor of other meeting situations which were way more successful.
My feeling on these guys is: “Men are animals”, but NOT in the way it’s usually said. I say it to mean that they are inherently interested in getting what they want from a female and the most successful learn from being trained (like an animal) into what works and what doesn’t. My guess is that your guy was just following a script he has been taught by other women who drool over such treatment and language.
There are too many instances of this type of behavior that you have written about and which I have seen online and elsewhere to be just a matter of everyone out there being a jerk. This guy sounded shocked that what probably worked like a charm for him in the past, failed so utterly with you. he probably was just pretending to be a jerk, because that is what he’d been trained to do.
I have also spent a lot of time reading blogs, and let me assure you that you are not the typical submissive spanko woman. You yourself say you aren’t submissive at all. I met a woman like this years ago and we played for quite a while before she moved away. She liked hard spankings, but bristled at the notion of any other kind of submission or service.
However, I am a switch and Top from a service “let me do my best to give you what you want” perspective. I am not an alpha-type dominant looking to tell “cunts what they really need” LOL . My best experiences have been with people who have the capacity to switch even if they prefer Topping. They are just more balanced.
If you want to know why guys act like the one you met, read some of the submissive female blogs out there. I’ll bet he’s read them too, or at least learned from ladies like that.
Maybe you should look for switch men but be clear that you would not be switching with them? It worked with the person I played with. Always wishing you the best of luck in this.
KD — actually, I do want your opinion. I may not always agree with you, but you present your thoughts articulately and respectfully, and you make me think. I appreciate that.
The whole “switches vs. tops” controversy has been around forever. For the record — I have nothing against male switches, nor do I exclusively seek out 100% tops. Granted, there are some switches who constantly are angling for a quid pro quo, but many others who don’t. As for the claim that switches have more empathy, one of the worst scenes I ever had was with a switch male. I honestly don’t believe someone is a better person if they switch or don’t switch or what have you. Orientation has nothing to do with it — either people are assholes or they aren’t.
You’re right, I’m not typical. I can BE submissive with the right person, but I am not naturally so. But even if I were, there are times and places for being in character. And IMO, you don’t dash right out of the gate going full-bore with Uber-Dom speak. Oh, and you do not ever, EVER use that word, unless you know damn good and well that it will be accepted. Me? As you can see, I won’t write it or speak it, and it triggers me more than any other word in existence, for reasons that go way back. So it was his grand misfortune to use it, but as far as I’m concerned, it was also an egregious lack of common sense.
I must say you looked absolutely fabulous in your picture.
Anonymous — thank you. ♥
For what it’s worth, as bad as you felt after that encounter, I’m sure he is going to be kicking himself for far longer. Available women who want to be spanked are few and far between. He had an opportunity, not just with a woman but one who looked smoking hot, and he blew it stupidly. He’s going to be thinking about what could have been for years.
Dioneo — that is very kind of you to say; thank you. ♥
I wondered, for a while, if I’d hear from him again. If he’d apologize, express any regret. But he didn’t. Of course, it could have been out of respect for the fact that he knew he made me uncomfortable.
Amazing how one word can ruin everything.
The poem, the feeling you got upon first meeting him (intuition), and him having the gall to say the c word to you… you did exactly the right thing, my friend. I am very glad you didn’t feel obligated to stay and try and talk things through with him. He was obviously not a good fit (and I know this is judgemental, but…what a JERK!). XOXO
Nora — thank you! And, judgmental or not, I agree!
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Male switch here.
I remember as a teen and first hearing the “C” word and finding out what it meant.
I thought is was the most ugly word possible. To describe women I KNEW with that word…!!!
Never, EVER used it. Even if it was someone I didn’t like at all – never used it.
Freaky? It’s commonly used in the UK. Go figure.
A.J. — (sigh) It’s commonly used here, too. I can’t censor the world, but I can damn near tell my nearest and dearest that I don’t want to hear it.