Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking

Ruminations, opinionated observations, darkly humorous blathering and the occasional rant from an outspoken spanko and unapologetic attention wh–, um, hog.

Archive for the category “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Finally, someone got it right

Ever read “Buzzfeed”? It’s best known for its lists, often things that are a bit inane. “25 uses for navel lint.” “15 ways you can tell whether your cat is a Republican or a Democrat.” “21 insanely useful skills an introvert has mastered.” (OK, that last one is real.) But this week, writer Casey Gueren posted a thoughtful, obviously well researched piece called “25 Facts About BDSM That You Won’t Learn in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.'”

The title alone piqued my interest, so I went to take a look. (I found the link on Facebook, of all places.) What I ended up reading impressed me greatly. I don’t know if Casey Gueren is a fellow kinkster, but even if she isn’t, she did her homework and research way better than E.L Jackass did. Concise and well written, her piece hits the main points of the lifestyle, dispels the myths, and removes all the salacious BS.

I especially like #6.

6. Fifty Shades of Grey is considered very cringeworthy in the BDSM community.

If you ever find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don’t mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.

“Not an accurate representation.” Very tactful way of saying it’s a complete POS. 🙂

Obviously, there’s a lot more to know than what’s in this simple primer. But it’s a great start. And with so very many crappy misconceptions and poor writings out there on this vastly complex subject, it’s refreshing to find one that got it right. Brava, Casey Gueren.

In other news, I had a really weird dream last night, in which I was self-spanking and I broke several of my toys, including the oh-so-vile Strictly Lickin’ Stick. As if that thing could ever break! You’d have to throw it off the Empire State Building, and even then, it would probably just crack the sidewalk. Clearly, I am in need. There needs to be spanking in my future. Hopefully next week. And if not, then there is a small private party upcoming in July. Erica needs her itch scratched.

And finally, in an OT tidbit under the “It’s a Small World” heading, this week, I saw a meme on Facebook. It was an old black-and-white photo of a well-dressed, very attractive couple dancing. The caption was something along the lines of how taking a step backward after a step forward is a disaster to some and a cha-cha to others. The saying was cool, but that’s not what caught my attention. The woman in the picture was especially beautiful, exotic. And familiar.

It was my stepmother. (The nice one, the actress/dancer one. Not the Evil Bitch From Hell one.) 🙂 Like I said, small world.

Have a great weekend, y’all. And to all the fathers out there, or those who have one, Happy Father’s Day.

So, guess what I watched?

Yup. I had to. For the sake of cultural literacy. For my own curiosity — I had to see if it sucked as badly as I’d imagined it would.

It did. And then some.

What am I talking about, kids? Of course. Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie. I Netflixed it last month, while I was homebound suffering from a stomach bug. I figured I was already nauseated, so what the hell.

I’d like to preface my review with this gleeful tidbit — the nominations for the annual Razzies (the Golden Raspberry Awards, the anti-Oscars, for all the worst in motion pictures) were announced. FSOG leads the pack, with six nominations, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Coupling. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson on screen together were about as hot as soggy leftover pancakes. Last night, Conan O’Brien mentioned the Razzie nominations, and then joked, “When the director heard, she said, ‘Oh dear, I guess I’ll have to be punished!'” Then he mimed spanking himself. I laughed and cringed at the same time.

I won’t go into a thorough review of the movie itself — I mean, by now, everyone in the scene has already watched it, or heard everything about it (hashed and rehashed and argued over to death), so there’s no need for that. Just a few of my own personal observations.

The acting was awful. Last year, I sneeringly referred to Jamie Dornan as “Jamie Doorknob,” and now I see how prescient I was. Because his performance in this film had all the charisma and excitement of, well, a doorknob. And Dakota Johnson could win an Oscar… if they gave Oscars for lip-biting.

My one kudo to the film: At least they dispensed with all that nonsense in the book with Anastasia and her constant dialogue with her “inner goddess.” No mention of that, anywhere. Oh, and that controversial bit in the book where Christian, unwilling to postpone sex, unceremoniously yanks out Ana’s tampon? That was gone too. Small mercies.

Clichés ran rampant — the whole “You can’t love me, I’m flawed! I’m a sick fuck!” bit, with Christian practically banging his head against the wall over it, and Ana agonizing and lip-biting over it. The “suave man of the world vs. innocent virgin” bit. When he first takes her to the Red Room and he says, “This is where I keep my toys” and she asks, “What, like your XBox?” I almost croaked. Right, Ana, because grown men keep their video games under lock and key.

I won’t even talk about the creepy way he stalked her and practically took over her life. We all know about that part. But of course, because he was so incredibly gorgeous and so fucking rich, he could get away with that sort of thing.

There was lots and lots of sex. Both Jamie and Dakota have nice bodies. Everything was lushly lit and dramatically scored. But… yawwwwwwwwn. Again, no chemistry. No heat. Everything looked and seemed scripted and rote. BDSM 101.

And speaking of BDSM… Now I will talk about the two scenes that pissed me off the most.

Ana, besides chewing on her lip, has a bad habit of rolling her eyes. About two-thirds into the movie (finally!!), Christian says, “You roll your eyes at me one more time and I’m taking you across my knee.” OK, possibly the hottest line in the whole damn thing. And of course, she rolls her eyes again a minute later.

This scene could have been so, so hot. It had such promise. He drags her over to the couch, pulls her over, lifts her skirt and peels her panties down. All good. And then… he gives her three slow, light, half-assed (pun intended) swats.

FSOGspanking

After those three paltry little swats, he then says, “Welcome to my world,” and lets her back up. Um, stop the world, I want to get off. This wasn’t a spanking. This was a tease. If I were to liken this scene to chocolate cake, it was a mere crumb, too inconsequential to even taste.

A huge part of the story is the BDSM contract, which incidentally, Ana never signs, even though they’re engaging in all sorts of play and sex and so forth. In the big dramatic finish (thank goodness, it’s almost over), she is desperate to know exactly what “punishment” would entail. He is holding back, itching to show her, but knowing it would be wrong. She insists. “Do it. Punish me. Show me what it would be like.” She pushes and pushes for it until he finally, reluctantly gives in. By now, we’re thinking he’s going to do God-knows-what to her.

He takes her to the dungeon and bends her over a table. “Are you sure?” “Yes.” He gives her every possible option to back out. He reminds her of her safe word. Nope, she wants it. So what is her dreaded punishment?

Six strokes with a strap.

Bitch, please. That’s not punishment. That’s freaking foreplay.

The scene itself is lame — of course, Ms. Johnson doesn’t really want her sweet young flesh tainted with strap marks, so we never see impact, just Jamie swinging the strap and Dakota’s agonized face. We hear the strokes, and hear her weepy voice doing the count.

When it’s over, he goes to hold her. She angrily pushes him away. “Don’t touch me! You are NEVER doing that to me again!” and she storms out of the room and out of his life.

Um, what? She asked him to do it. She insisted that he do it. He didn’t want to, remember? Hypocrisy, much? All this time, she’s been engaging in all manner of kinky-fuckery with him. She put up with his stalking, his coldness, his arrogance and other assorted bad behaviors. Then he gives her a small taste of what she asked for, and she pulls the righteous, wounded damsel card? She then suddenly grows a pair, gives him back all his gifts and she’s outta there.

Of course, we know it’s not really over. We know this is going to drag on and on into two more films. Ugh.

So, even though I wasted two hours of my life, I’m glad I watched it. Now I can speak from experience. Now people can’t say to me, “Well, you don’t know, you haven’t seen it.” Now I know. It’s a POS film made from an even bigger POS book.

Good luck at the Razzies, FSOG. May the worst film win.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

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