Wow. Just… wow
You know, you’d think I would have learned by now not to engage with people who are clearly ignorant and biased. But I still see people posting crap that perpetuates the worst of the clichés about our scene, and it makes me nuts. Where does this level of hate come from?
Yesterday on FetLife, Spanking Tube was being discussed (a man was considering posting his first video there), and a woman I do not know posted this:
[Spanking Tube] is built for those models who are not really into spanking and just into profit.
If you are looking for social status it will not happen because they all stick together and you’d be an outcast.
If you want to enroll with them then you have to do the porn industry stage, fake story, script thing that they are.
If you ever went to one of those annual parties you’d see it immediately it’s like they set up these fake school classroom settings for spanking then you go there and you are sitting with a bunch of people in class watching the famous spank each other like you are groupies.
Half of those dirty old men are pushing fentanyl and meth to the girls and driving them around in vans all day to perform (which is identical to porn).
Wow. What an indictment. I felt compelled to be a more measured voice here, so I answered her. No, I didn’t blast her. I was quite reasonable, as you can see.
Yes, there is that side of the video industry of which you speak. But that’s not the whole of it.
Plenty of people made videos because they love spanking and it brings them joy to do so. The producers and performers make money, yes. It’s their livelihood. But I don’t know anyone who ever did this purely for the money. The people I have known who did videos were spankos to the core.
She then answered:
It’s a really big side though. A side that has taken over 90% of this network. social status and celebrity and competition takes the intimacy away. I just prefer everyone with the Jillian attitude.
Jillian? I could only assume she meant Jillian Keenan. Okay, so we had a bit of common ground. I thought maybe I could reason with her. I mean, come on. Ninety percent?? Where on earth was she getting this?
This was my next reply:
I feel compelled to speak up for many of the people I worked with over the years. There is a well-worn cliché about how we’re all stuck up and clique-y and we ruin things for everyone else. I hate to see that perpetuated. I’m not saying some of that element doesn’t exist. I’m saying 90% is unduly harsh. We do agree on this, however — I have all the admiration for Jillian and I’m one of her Patreon supporters. She is a brave and strong voice for us. And hey, I’ve done videos and I go to parties, but she likes me anyway, for whatever reason. 😉
I figured that last part would lighten things up a bit. I was mistaken. She then came back with this:
@Erica_Scott I went to one of those kingpin annual parties once and from experience I have a story of what goes on over there that is beyond shockingly different than a cliche. And some of those people involved are 200+ video famous and there were A LOT.
One day I’m going to tell that story here without names and it sure be an excellent reminder of the many of others who were trapped in the exact same cliche environment as I was. 90% is a pretty fair number. Bad people…. everywhere.
And I find it extremely hard to believe you never noticed and I find it extremely surprising the cops don’t ever rush in and arrest 50 at a time. but we’ll leave this story alone for a bit because I’m busy this month.
Jeeeezus. Hostile, much? And she was starting to get incoherent, so I gave up.
You know what bothers me the most? Clearly, she had a lousy experience at a spanking party, and that sucks. But why? I don’t know which one, and I don’t know any details. Just her raving about video people and how horrible we all are. And there was no swaying any of it, even with a measured and humorous approach. If you can’t discuss your feelings and experiences without hurling ad hominem attacks, then I can’t help you.
You know, I’ve seen this kind of shit for years. I even wrote this post about it nearly ten years ago. But it still hits me in the gut. Am I saying none of this kind of thing exists? Of course not. I’m not stupid and I’m not naive. But to paint everyone who is in this industry with the same broad paintbrush is appalling. And to spread this sort of thing to newcomers and people who are just getting up the courage to try their own first party and so forth is so freaking detrimental.
I’m not even in the damn industry anymore. But I still hate this. And I will still, while I have breath, fight the stereotypes and the mean-spiritedness. Yes. The scene is a double-edged sword. Always has been. It can bring the greatest of joys, and it can break your heart to smithereens. I have experienced both ends of the spectrum and everything in between. But it changed my life. It brought me things I’d never had before. Including all of you. And I will never lose sight of that.
Meanwhile… next time I try to reason with the unreasonable, y’all know what to do. rolling eyes
On my mind
Let’s start this with a few facts we all know.
I am outspoken and opinionated.
I am often snarky.
I don’t suffer fools, and if people screw with me (or my friends), I don’t hold back.
However. Despite what some may think, I do not revel in insulting people or hurting feelings. Not my thing, and not my intention.
A while back on Twitter, I said something flippant about a particular sexual/spanking position that I find deeply humiliating as well as impossibly uncomfortable, physically. I believe I said of all the NO positions, this one was the NO-iest.
Some people chimed in and agreed. It’s one of those things you love or you hate, I guess. But then I got called out for kink-shaming.
I was taken aback.
The first thing I did was check in with a good friend, whom I know happens to love the position in question. I asked her if she felt offended or shamed by my comment. Her reply: “Not at all. I know you don’t like it.” But yeah, she still feels comfortable in telling me about scenes where she’s experienced it, because she knows I’m happy for her pleasure and I’m not holding her in contempt for doing things that aren’t in my house of kinks.
Okay, so I felt marginally better. But this has been eating at me ever since.
Granted, speaking of houses of kinks, I’m well aware that mine is more of a studio apartment. I am basically vanilla with one very deep, dark and rich chocolate swirl. And I know I’ve said this many times before: I wish I had more kinks. I wish more things pushed my buttons. More fun! More variety! More people to play with and relate to! But we are who we are. I have managed over the years to find plenty of satisfaction within my limited kink base.
But does saying I don’t like this or that equate to telling others that they shouldn’t do it? That what they’re doing is wrong? I have never understood this.
If someone tells me that they don’t enjoy spanking, I don’t feel judged. If they say it makes them feel uncomfortable or childish or whatever, I don’t feel judged. Now if they were to say to me that it’s lame and stupid and babyish and that people look ridiculous engaging in it, yeah, I might bristle. But that’s a direct attack.
So what crosses the line between expressing a preference and kink-shaming? It seems the placement of that line differs greatly in various people’s opinions.
Is it because the topic of kink is so deeply personal? I mean, just as an experiment, let’s replace a kinky activity with a food.
I happen to hate avocado. (Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone loves avocado, avocado is Food of the Gods, and I’m a freak.) Yes, I said it.
However, I did NOT say:
I hate avocado, and I think everyone who likes it is disgusting.
I hate avocado, and if any server even thinks about putting it on my food, I’ll have them fired. And then shot at sunrise.
I hate avocado, and you are dead to me if you disagree.
(Now don’t go quoting any of the above out of context. I can just see the reactions now: “Did you see what Erica Scott said about avocado?? What an idiotic bitch!”)
Sometimes, a preference is just that… a preference. Sometimes, saying I don’t like something means just that: I. Don’t. Like. It. I don’t mean it’s bad, you’re bad, it should be outlawed. Some things trigger and upset me. I think we all have those — kinks are deeply visceral for many of us and touch off many emotions. There are things I don’t want to see. That is on me. It’s not saying I want the activity eradicated.
A few years ago, on FetLife, I referred to myself as a “spanko purist,” because spanking is pretty much my sole fetish. I got ripped so many new ones over that, I could take a drink of water and look like a sprinkler. Jesus Christ… one person even likened me to Hitler. I didn’t mean it that way at all. I simply meant that my kink is singularly focused. Not that it’s superior. I mean, WTF?? Well… rest assured I do not use that term anymore. But I’ll never forget how ugly that situation felt.
Often on FetLife, people have referred to branching out into other kink activities as “evolving.” (sigh) I’ve been doing this for a long time. I tried a whole lot of things. I went to a lot of dungeon parties. I worked in a dungeon, for crying out loud. I participated in other types of kinks. I wore latex, participated in a slave auction, was in a bullwhip demo, you name it. But… call me un-evolved, I guess. Because spanking is it for me.
However, I never, ever want people to think I’m judging what they like, even when I make my snarky comments. Yes, I know, I’ve been known to say things like this: “You come anywhere near me with a bar of soap, you’ll be blowing bubbles out your ass.”
Or “If I were to get a tattoo, it would be on my lower back: An arrow pointing down, with the words EXIT ONLY. Don’t even think about going in there.”
Or “No, I don’t wear white panties. Last time I checked, I wasn’t five years old.”
This is me, being me. This is not me, judging you.
I would welcome thoughts on this. I would welcome civil discourse.
EDITED TO ADD THIS: I forgot that I also discussed this with John. I know that he will always speak the truth. He’s not one to blindly support me or say what I want to hear. And he said, “Maybe you should be more careful about how you express opinions.”
So, there it is.
I will never soften my stances on the important issues: politics, women’s rights, Covid cautionary measures, etc. Haters be damned.
But when it comes to kink and what floats everyone’s boat, I will try harder.
And I apologize to anyone I have inadvertently offended with my flippancy. It was not intended.