Some things never change

No matter how many years you spend in TTWD, no matter how many experiences you have, how many things you try, how carefully you hone your own personal interpretation of your chosen kink to where it is fulfilling and joyous… there’s always going to be some nitwit out there telling you you’re doing it wrong.

A few years ago when I was playing regularly with He-Who-Is-No-Longer-In-The-Picture, we used to shoot a lot of goofy videos of our play, some of which I posted on Spanking Tube. One especially popular one was when I’d written a spanking parody of the Beatles song “If I Fell,” and he made me sing it on video — while being spanked.

I still get occasional comments on that one, positive ones saying that it was funny and entertaining. And then yesterday I got this — verbatim, poor grammar and missing punctuation intact:

A spanking not supposed to be fun its supposed to make her correct her bad behavior

Oh, yeah? Says you, illiterate one. Although you’re probably right in one respect: I doubt that spanking or any other kind of kink play is fun when you’re involved.

Who the hell are you, or anyone else, to say what spanking is “supposed” to be? Who are you to deny the unbridled joy that some of us feel indulging in a favorite pastime and fulfilling our desires? Spanking — and all other forms of kink/BDSM/what have you — means myriad things to countless people. There is no “supposed to.” There is no “one true way.” And to impose your rigid (and unsolicited) view and dump on someone else’s pleasure is most unwelcome.

Just a reminder, to anyone out there reading who is new to all this: Don’t let others tell you how you’re supposed to do this thing. Discover for yourself, through trial and error, through following your instincts, what works for you. If it’s discipline, great. If it’s for fun, that’s also great. If it’s a complex mix of the two, have at it. What pushes your buttons and brings you floaty joy, as long as it involves consenting adults, is what it’s supposed to be.

Tell you what, stupid stranger. I’ll go on doing my thing the way I like doing it; if that’s “bad behavior,” oh, well. Report me to the kink police, why don’t you. Or better yet, why don’t you work on correcting your bad grammar and mind your own fucking business, hmmm?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Monday. Today, it is cold, dark and rainy outside. I have my heater running, warm clothes on, a full fridge, classical music serenely playing in the background, and plenty of work to keep me busy. I don’t have to go anywhere; I can work out in the apartment gym if I want to. I am safe and insulated and at peace in my little bubble.

I know the rain will end, outside life will encroach, and I will need to leave my bubble and re-enter a world that feels ugly and unkind to me. But for this moment, I wish I could stay in here forever.

My answer to my question

Last week, I tossed out a mini-poll to readers — rather than restate, I will paste what I wrote:

I have an informal poll for my bottom/sub/DD or D/s practicing readers, whatever you choose to call yourselves.

Say there’s something kink-wise that you don’t really care for, but your top/dom/whatever loves it. Say it’s not one of your hard limits, and the next time you’re scening, he says he’d like you to do X. (As I always do, for simplicity’s sake, I’m assuming the M/F orientation. Feel free to switch it up in your mind.) You groan and say, “Oh, do I have to?”

Which of the following two answers would you prefer to hear? (in a calm, deliberate tone, of course)

A: “You know better than to ask me that. Yes, you have to, because I said so.”

B: “No, you don’t have to; this is about consent. Use your safeword if you need to. But it would please me if you did it — do you want to please me?”

Something I probably should have clarified: I’m aware that A and B don’t represent the wide variety of possible answers. If I’d wanted to broaden the scope of the poll, I could have added more, like:

C: Neither. I don’t care for roleplay/scene banter.

D: Neither. I would choose to comply right away without resistance.

E: Neither. We play for fun only, so there is nothing done that pushes limits.

And so on. However, I had a specific purpose in mind — narrowing the choice down to those two, because I was curious about the knee-jerk reaction to them and what readers thought.

So what’s my choice? Mine is A.

I can hear some of you out there. “What?? Since when? No one tells Erica what to do.” Ah, but remember the context. This is within scene with a trusted top. I have already chosen to give my choices over to him. And within that frame, him asserting his will is hot as hell.

But what about B? Isn’t that preferable because it makes it clear that the choice is mine? Not as I see it. In fact, I think A and B are the same — they both take my choice away (so to speak, because, as mentioned, I’ve chosen to give it away). How is B taking my choice away, rather than giving it back to me? Because, if I were in submissive mode, or if I were a submissive player, a lot of my scene well-being would hinge upon pleasing my top. So, when he says, “No, of course you don’t have to, but if you want to please me, you will,” then that’s my answer. Implied is the continuation: “And if you don’t, I won’t be pleased with you.” Which is passive-aggressive and manipulative, IMO. Screw that. The top is saying it’s the bottom’s choice, but it really isn’t. I’d much rather be flat-out “ordered” to do something than be psychologically coerced into it by the implied threat of disapproval/disappointment.

Thoughts?

By the way, does anyone know if Chross is OK? He hasn’t posted since April 30.

Epic rants — yes, plural

You lucky people. I have two things that are pissing me off right now. No, it’s not anything about the holidays, and it’s not stupid gross food. One issue is on topic, and the other is not. But both have gotten under my skin lately and it’s time to release a bit. Warning: controversy ahead. If you’d just as soon skip it, I understand.

Last Friday, I saw two pictures that had just been put up on FetLife. The first was an extreme closeup of one butt cheek, with the skin broken and bleeding. The caption read: “Results of a proper caning.” Really? And then the next photo was the same butt, mercifully a little farther back but still pretty damn close up, so you could see both cheeks, which were not just red, but had white spots, the beginnings of bruises, and two spots that were bleeding. And that caption read: “A proper bare-bottom belting.”

Proper? According to whom, pray tell? And of course, we viewers are left to infer that anything less than a spanking/strapping/caning resulting in blood is somehow less than “proper.”

I know, I know, I’ve talked about this before. I’m sick of death of the comments, the implication that bottoms who don’t get trashed beyond recognition are wimps. “That’s not red enough.” “I could have done a better job.” “Looks like a decent warm-up, now bring on the spanking.” Fuck these people! When did it become not enough to simply have a nice red backside? Why is it that with some folks, bottoms that look like they’d been plunked on a George Foreman grill, turned up high, are the holy grail??

Hmm. I’ve been caned dozens of times over the years, by many tops. But I’ve never had a cane break my skin. What a shame that I’ve never had it done properly, huh? (massive eye roll)

This follows along with the issue that John Osborne and I felt compelled to shoot a harsher, more intense video, because viewers were bitching and snarking about our last two being “too light.” What is with this freaking blood-lust going on with spanking video watchers? So OK, we shot a video where John was punitive, and I shed tears. It was well done and I trust John, and I felt comfortable going there with him. Still, it’s irksome that we had to go there, to cave in and cater to the damn barbarians out there. I get it, though. If you’re in the business of selling video, you need to do what sells. But for God’s sake, stop criticizing people’s work. If you don’t like a video because it’s lighter than you care for, then go watch something else. But don’t try to shame and ridicule people’s efforts just because they fall short of your desires for rear carnage.

Here’s my gripe, in a nutshell. You want to play hard? Have at it. You want to bleed? Knock yourself out. If that floats your boat, then you can deal with the aftermath, and more power to you. But goddammit, don’t try to make others feel like what they’re doing isn’t good enough, or “proper” enough, because their flesh isn’t ravaged to your liking. What happens when newbies see these photos, claiming this sort of extreme is “proper”? I can see it now: inexperienced tops thinking they’re pussies, and they need to up their game in order to create these torn-up asses. And naive bottoms thinking they are “less than” because they don’t take this degree of punishment, and therefore should feel some sort of scene shame. Ridiculous.

Can’t we just play like we want to play, and leave words like “proper” and “real” and “true” out of it?

Ugh.

OK, that’s one. The next one is bound to piss some people off, and I’m sorry but not sorry. I don’t go out of my way to offend, but sometimes, you know, I just can’t avoid it.

Found this little gem on Facebook, of all places:

It’s true. The NRA and the 2nd Amendment advocates fight to the death (literally) against gun controls/stricter gun laws, but when it comes to women and what they do with their own bodies, oh, that’s everyone’s effing business.

I am not anti-gun. I don’t think guns should be eliminated. But clearly, with so many psychos out there shooting people, with terrorists killing groups of innocent folks, things are out of control. There needs to be something, and I don’t know what it is, but we can’t keep going on like this. But for everyone who says something needs to be done about guns and the fact that far too many nuts can get their hands on them, there’s another who says gun control is not the answer, and we just need more guns. That the people in Paris should have had guns. That the Jews in the Holocaust should have had guns, for Christ’s sake. That we should have guns in school classrooms.

This kind of killing goes on and on and on, and somehow, it’s left unregulated. Men, women, children. Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, spouses, all manner of loved ones. Meanwhile, women are vilified and shamed and criminalized because they choose to expel a tiny splotch of ectoplasm that is undeveloped and completely unviable. This is a sin. This is murder. This must be eliminated. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Recently, our country’s Senate did two things: they refused to pass a bill that would prevent people on the no-fly list from getting guns. At the same time, they passed a bill that would defund Planned Parenthood. Yeah, that makes sense too. Let’s not control the crazies with guns that destroy lives, but by all means disallow women from choosing whether or not they give birth.

You know, I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I am way past the child-bearing age. And when I was that age, I made damn sure that I wouldn’t have any, because I knew I didn’t want them and I didn’t want to deal with birth control. But it still pisses me off that younger women out there might lose their freedoms, and if not those freedoms per se, then all the funds available to make their choices. Look…it’s not that I’m a big advocate of abortion. I’m much more of an advocate of people being responsible and smart with their bodies, and not getting pregnant unless they want to. But I have always felt strongly about the right to choose. And I also happen to think it’s a sin in itself to bring a child into the world when you’re neither financially nor emotionally equipped to raise it properly. When I was in eighth grade (a long-ass time ago), I wrote a school paper titled: “Abortion: Better No Life Than Unwanted Life.” I got an A. And I still believe that. How come it’s OK to go ahead and have the kid, just to abuse and neglect it, or not give it the opportunities it deserves because it has a passel of siblings that were also unplanned?

So here’s my solution for the gun-loving anti-abortionists: Every time you see a woman about to have an abortion, shoot her! That way, you 1. get to use your precious guns; 2. prevent an abortion; and 3. eliminate a killer. Win-win-win! Of course, you’re also killing an unborn baby along with its murderous mom, but hey, collateral damage, right?

Yes, that was written with tongue firmly crammed in cheek, and a series of swallows against vomiting in disgust.

Yeah, I’m pissed off. You know why I rant? You know why I blog and vent? Because I can. Because I choose to blow off steam this way, instead of going out and taking my frustrations out on innocent victims. Because I know how to channel my anger like a sentient and sane adult. I’m just so damn sick of people who kill and hurt and maim and do stupid shit to other people. And I’m sick of the people who cheer those fuckers on, one way or another.

(sigh) I know this writing isn’t going to change a thing. But sometimes, I need to do it anyway. Because if I keep it all inside, I just get depressed, and that really sucks. I am trying to keep my sanity during times where there is insanity all around me.

Rants over, for now. I will try to be entertaining next time.

Clothed or unclothed — what do you think is sexier?

Bear in mind, this isn’t a test. There is no right or wrong answer. I’m just curious.

In the world of spanking (and its various photos and videos), there is a lot of nudity, or at least partial nudity. We spankos see a whole lot of bare bottoms and other body parts on a daily basis, if we peruse the blogosphere, FetLife, what have you. Sometimes, I wonder if we’ve gotten so used to the naked form, we overlook the fact that sometimes, a body left to the imagination can be plenty sexy too. A clingy dress, a peek of lingerie. A flash of cheek peeking out from under some high-cut panties. Legs encased in stockings.

On FetLife a couple of years ago, I got miffed because I had posted some spanking pictures with my panties still up, and people actually complained. “Those panties need to come down!” I’ve also seen photos of women in beautiful underwear, and many of the comments posted are along the lines of “I just want to tear those off.”

Have we become jaded? Or are there just as many people out there who find it sexy when they see a wisp of fabric hugging a curvaceous body, without actually revealing anything?

Me? I like both. There is something really mind-blowing about seeing a beautiful naked body, male or female. But I also appreciate the tease. The glimpse. The imagination coming into play (mmmm, what’s under there?) And as for my own body, most of the time, I prefer minimal clothing to no clothing. I do like the element of making people wonder.

I did some research on some of my older photos on FetLife, and came up with this parallel. Two photos, similar pose, same general location — a hotel at a spanking party. Here’s photo #1:

On FetLife, this got 64 Loves and 32 comments. Not bad at all. Nothing showing, except a brief glimpse of the top of right stocking, and my upper back and shoulders bare save for spaghetti straps.

And now, Photo #2:

This one, in which I’m completely nude, got a whopping 153 Loves and 81 comments. Fascinating.

On Tuesday when Steve and I played, I was wearing a long, drape-y summer dress. He commented about how sexy it looked when I was over his lap, or over the pillows, the way the dress conformed and clung to my bottom. We weren’t going to take any pictures because he didn’t have his camera, but he said he just had to get a shot or two with his phone. Not the greatest of quality, but it would do. So here is a thoroughly G-rated shot with my dress down — what do you think? Does this pique the imagination? Or does it simply make people think, “Pull it up already!”?

(Don’t worry. He pulled it up eventually.)

Thoughts? What are some of your favorite pictures? (Remember, no right or wrong answers.)

Thoughts on photo blogs

First, the disclaimer: I mean absolutely no offense to anyone who runs a photo blog. Some of my friends have photo blogs that are adjuncts to their regular blogs, and that’s fine. These are simply my observations and opinions, and I welcome yours, as I’m curious about what others think.

Is it my imagination, or is it true that practically every time I log on, there’s a new spanking-oriented photo site in the blogrolls? Pictures, pictures, pictures. No words. No stories. Oftentimes, not even a reference as to the origins of the photos. Just photos, one after another after another, every day, all over the place.

Can these really be considered a blog? Isn’t a blog a web journal? Doesn’t that imply that writing and creative expression is involved? Where is the creativity in copying and pasting pictures?

Please don’t misunderstand me — I love pictures. I post plenty of my own. But they are always accompanied with writing, a background, a setup. They have a story. They are not there just for the sake of being there.

Granted, I am female, and according to the gender cliches, we are not as visual as males are. But really, how many pictures can you look at before it all becomes redundant? One trend I notice is that the same pictures make the rounds of many of the photo blogs. Click on one blog, there it is. Click on another, there it is again. Posted and reposted. And reposted again.

You don’t even get to read interesting comments on these photo blogs. All you see are lists of people who liked them or reposted them.

Again, where is the creativity? I am old school, I guess. I like the written word. I like to read someone’s thoughts and feelings.

Also, in some of the so-called spanking photo blogs, the photos have nothing to do with spanking. They are simply cute young girls with their butt to the camera. That’s not spanking. And this is my own personal distaste, but I’m really, really getting tired of seeing the straight-on, spread-open kitty and back door shots. Jeeezus…. if I click on a blog looking for a spanking picture, I don’t want some woman’s hoo-ha in my face, so close up I feel like a damn gynecologist. Sure, there are glimpses of private bits in spanking pictures. But I’m talking blatant display here.

Even though there are thousands, perhaps millions of pictures out there, you’re going to get repeats when so many people are posting them. Am I the only one who finds this boring?

Granted, not all the photo blogs are created equal. Some are more varied, some have a particular theme, etc. I didn’t want to name names in this post, but I’d like to call attention to one photo blog I find exceptional — At a Kinky House. Not just a spanking photo blog, but an exploration of kinky romance with gorgeous pictures.

What are your thoughts? Photo blogs, yea or nay? What do you like about them? What do you dislike? If I could make only two suggestions to the photo bloggers, I’d choose these: 1) credit the photos whenever possible, and 2) find some variety, please. Don’t just copy and paste something that’s already been on a dozen other blogs.

Again, I mean no offense, and I am not anti-photos. I just don’t want to see the death of writing; it’s already being tortured by text-speak and crappy grammar.

Regarding last night’s flame war…

I will not have this. Is that clear? Jesus — I go to sleep, silly me, and I wake up to this mess. Haven’t had this blog for two weeks and already I have a flame war. Welcome to Blogspot, Erica.

I should have known that a controversial topic such as the one I posted was risky, but I thought people could handle it, and for the most part, they did.

Anonymous — your original point could have been well taken, if you hadn’t degenerated into insults. My original point was not disparaging F/M — it was merely saying that I, Erica, cannot watch it. It’s how I feel and it’s my damn blog. I never said anything directly nasty about men who bottom; I kept it to my own feelings and expressed that I wished I felt differently, but it is what it is and we all have our preferences.

KinkyAG, who is a male bottom, chimed in with his thoughts, but he was perfectly civil about it, and I appreciated that greatly. You, not so much. There was a way you could have made your points without attacking and being so nasty. Please don’t do it anymore. Has Zelle no shame? Yes, she does. I know her, have met her, and she is a person of high quality, intelligence and compassion. So knock it off with the insults to her.

I will not get into a he-said-she-said fest here. I will simply restate my personal rules: Comments are to be civil. No flame-throwing. No attacking each other. And no cross-talk. If you guys have an argument with one another, take it elsewhere. Take it to email. Take it to carrier pigeon; I don’t care. This is not an open forum, this is a blog.

Zelle and Lorraine, I’m sorry you two were attacked. But next time something like this happens (and it will, I’m guessing), please alert me. I monitor my comments closely and if I feel that something is insulting or inflammatory, I will sideline it, try to defuse it and if none of that works, I’ll delete it. And yes, some people will call that censorship, but I don’t care. Engaging with certain people is fruitless; they feed on it and they don’t stop. Lorraine, I sincerely hope you will continue to comment.

Again, I’m sorry that my last topic offended some people. But I am going to post controversial topics here sometime — it’s who I am. Opinions different from mine are welcome, but they must be expressed in a way that doesn’t attack. And I expect people to be adult and not hijack my blog with potshots at each other. That is childish and I am not a freaking hall monitor. OK? I don’t want to wake up and have to deal with stuff like this.

Oh, and Anonymous, for the record? My real name is Erica. Scott is fabricated. I’ve been very open about that. Many people in the spanking scene have an alternate name; it’s not about phoniness, it’s about maintaining a bit of safety and privacy, even though we are very public about what we do.

Dammit — I had a really fun blog planned for today; I was so looking forward to posting it. But I guess that will have to wait. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go cool off.