And so it goes
She lives.
Been a rough patch, certainly. Sunday night I got email from my stepmother. We don’t keep in regular contact, as we’re both reclusive, so I hadn’t talked to her for a while. Imagine how I felt when she told me she’d nearly died. Apparently, she’d been feeling sick and nauseated with stomach pain for a couple of months, and her doctor was treating her for what he thought was an ulcer. Things worsened until she ended up in the ER, and an MRI showed she had gallstones that had migrated to several places, occluding a duct to her bladder and causing a widespread infection. So… surgery to remove the gall bladder, find all the stones and get rid of them as well, and put a stent in her bladder duct.
Six to eight weeks recovery, with a lot of pain and nausea. And then she gets to have surgery again to remove the stent, with another long recovery. She’s 85 years old, kids. She’s already dealing with a host of physical problems, including various food sensitivities and chronic sciatica. To quote her: “This sucks!” And how much can a body take before it gives out?
She was writing to me to apologize that we won’t be able to go out for my (upcoming) birthday lunch. I told her to please not worry about that. I wish I could do something for her, but I know how fiercely independent she is. She doesn’t want to be fussed over.
So, Monday and yesterday were raw. Monday, I had a chiropractor appointment… I’ve been a mess of tension and aches. I wasn’t my usual feisty self on the table; I didn’t gripe about the painful stuff he was doing, I got into the positions he asked, I was very passive. His comment? “You’re very compliant today. What’s wrong with you?” How well he knows me already.
Yesterday, Steve came over. We did not play; I was too despondent. All I did was crawl into his arms and cry on his shirt.
But the fog has to lift eventually. Life and work go on. Fake it till you make it and all that new age-y sh*t. I’ve worked. I’ve worked out. And I figured I’d make some attempt to post something here, so everyone wouldn’t think I’d disappeared into the ether.
So pardon me if this is disjointed; it’s simply a collection of random thoughts.
Yesterday I was playing Scrabble online, and this screen appeared. I swear, I did not create this, I didn’t rearrange any letters; it happened randomly. It made me giggle.
I remembered another snippet from the party. After my lengthy scene with Ulf, during aftercare, I impulsively said, “Let me see your hand.” I just had a feeling… he turned up his palm. Sure enough, I’d thoroughly assed his hand — a blood blister and several red streaks. He was incredulous; said he hadn’t been aware of it at all.
Looks like this granny has still got it, huh?
Another random tidbit — I haven’t cut my hair in months. Usually, I get it cut and colored every six to eight weeks, but the last two times I got color, I didn’t cut it. It is the longest it’s been in years. John loves it, Steve loves it. I have mixed feelings about it.
I have never had sleek, sophisticated, polished hair. It’s just not me, and I wouldn’t even know how to style it that way. Once my hairdresser gave me a sleek blowout, and it felt so foreign and “not me” that I couldn’t wait to wash it out. I don’t put it up, because I hate my ears and don’t show them. So, for better or worse, my hair is big and wild. On the one hand, having it past my shoulders and down my back feels very sexy. But on the other, the ghost of my mother is in my head. “You’re too old for long hair.” “You need to style your hair somehow.” And, my favorite: “When are you going to do something about those rags hanging around your face?”
Tomorrow I’m getting my hair colored… I’m considering letting the cut go, again. Just to break away from the judgment of a “woman of a certain age” growing her hair long. I’m sorry, Mom… I love you, but STFU already. Get out of my head.
Took this selfie yesterday. What do you guys think? Grow it, or cut it back a bit?
Finally… people tell me they like this blog because it’s real, because it’s honest. Well, in the spirit of honesty, I have a confession. I do photo-edit my pictures a little. Not a whole lot; I don’t know how to do anything fancy. I don’t have Photoshop, I just have a simple program with the basics. So I’ll erase bags under my eyes, or blur out those damned spots on my arms and legs. A little indulgence of my vanity.
But, you want real? Here is real. This is from yesterday. No photo-editing, no makeup, straight from the camera except for cropping and resizing. This is my depression face. It’s not pretty, but it’s me.
This is what Steve saw. He said I was beautiful. I think he’s crazy, but I love him for it.
Onward. There is work to be done. And this body won’t exercise itself, no matter how much I wish it would.
Hopefully some fun on-topic stuff soon. We’ll see.
Erica Scott: Life, Love and Spanking 
Were there not so ample historical evidence that makes me believe you on your word, I would (based on other historicval evidence) think that you DID make up that scrabble thing.
I hope life becomes more friendly to you really soon. Meanwhile, you may wish to limit your concerns for what has actually happened – not think too much on what might happen. Life is full of surprises -either way, 🙂
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MrJ — I swear, it’s true. I’d swear to God, but you know, that atheist thing.
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Yoyo… You are never alone! xoxo
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The thing I like about you and this blog is its simplicity and raw honesty. So, without wishing to offend, the photo of your face is not your best. Why…because you are missing the number one, best feature….your radiant smile.Once this dark period is over and you rediscover that smile you will see that you don’t need to photoshop anything.
And I love the hair!
Downunder Don
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jas — thank you, dear.
Don — I’m not offended at all. Because you’re right, it’s not my best. But it’s real, which was what I was attempting to convey. And thank you for the kind words.
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It is good to see a new blog post, and I kinda liked the assortment of random thoughts on various topics as ideas came to mind. In a way, it seemed like a real conversation rather than a blog.
I really like your hair in its uncut state. Very much. Personally, I am sick of the “they”, as in “they say women of a certain age should not have long hair, etc.”. How does one get to be a part of the “they” who make up all of these arbitrary rules?
Keep being yourself. You are loved just the way you are by so very many of us, sweet friend.
Pam
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Steve is right. You are beautiful. It’s not fun seeing you upset tho.
First 2 things I said to myself when I saw that last photo….
1. Wow a natural beauty.
2. I’m going to request she post the same photo only this time with a smile.
That was before reading any comments. I SWEAR! 🙂
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Pam — thank you, my friend. Yeah, I don’t know who “they” are either. My mother belonged to another era — the one where women went to the “beauty parlor” every week, had their hair sprayed into submission and then kept re-spraying it. And when you hit “that certain age,” you cut it short.
SH — thank you. Well, that photo was certainly natural. I’ll bare my teeth another time. Soon, hopefully.
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Steve is right .. beautiful. And I love handfuls of long hair. I also know the pain and frustration of a aging and ailing parent. My father had something wrong with him for thirty years, heart,three cancers, spinal infections,etc…., now I’d give anything to sit and comfort him . Love them, indulge them, ask them about their remembrances , listen to their stories all over again, forgive them and you for all those things that irritated you in your youth.
Scott
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Steve is right. That is hot. It invites active response.
I prefer long hair, but that’s me.
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Scott — I’m sorry about your dad. Mine went fairly quickly, so we were spared a lot of lingering and suffering, but at least I had the chance to say goodbye.
Mark — so far, it’s unanimous. I posted the hair picture on Twitter too. Everyone is saying keep it as is.
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Hi Erica,
What rule written where says you have to have short hair when you reach a certain age? I had one of those sleek blow-dry styles by a stylist years ago and no one recognized me! Ron hated it so I told the stylist not to do it again. My hair is longish and unruly, and I wear it tied back, so I guess that passes for a mature hair style.
Hugs,
Hermione
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You are beautiful. Gorgeous bone structure and eyes. Not a happy picture, true. Those days happen. And they go away. You’re about due for a streak of happiness as long as the streak of stresses you’ve been experiencing. (Stressors?)
As for the hair? I vote grow it! Or whatever you want with it – green? Yes! Shaved off? Yes! Your head, your hair, your life, your right and *bleep* the asshats who even came up with the women of a certain age phrase. Mine’s the longest it’s been in years and I’m sneaking up on you in the numbers (it’s also purple in the places the green has faded, and red where nature has its way).
With the selfie, though, there seems to be a big-eyed anime cat 3D stalking you from a Verizon bag in the background. If I were you, I’d watch out for that! (Admittedly, I read and watch a lot of fantasy and horror. Still…)
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BTW, loved the hair in the picture…
What editing program do you use for lightening under the eyes?
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Hermione — just last night, I saw on Facebook, “Flattering Styles for a ‘Woman of a Certain Age’ to Wear.” Argh. Society and its dictates is a huge pain!
Ariel — LOL! Actually, that’s Grumpy Cat (he is based on a real cat, who became quite the Internet sensation a couple of years ago). He is my mascot, as I’m grumpy a lot of the time.
Jas — the program is called “PicMonkey.” Unlike software you buy, it’s a site you subscribe to, edit your pictures on it, and then save them to your computer. They have a free trial, but I pay (annually) for the full program.
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I have to agree with Steve.
Naturally. looking out and back in again, you’re going to see all the pain, and I do see the sadness, but more, too. There’s a tenacious, if tender, strength. And I’ve seen you turn that into compassion, and wisdom, and yes, even wry humor.
And you’ve had a lot of cumulative grief. It seems with the proper care you’ve been able to get through it with more grace than in previous times, but it still takes a toll.
I wonder if your stepmother is up to a visit? Does she play Scrabble, or any other games, simple or otherwise? I’ve found while Mommy-sitting that just concentrating a little on something else for a while and just keeping company can be a huge comfort for both parties.
As to your locks, the women in my family have thick and curly hair, and I find it very sensual. But I’m the worst person for fashion advice.
Speaking of games, I was still puzzling out “quire” (Holy Bookworm, Batgirl!) and didn’t notice your “OTK” right away. I think there should be a way to make the Scrabble Robot accept that in your case. The evidence is preponderous.
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Wolfie — I don’t know if she’s up for a visit. She’s so private and doesn’t like to be what she considers a burden to anyone. I don’t know if she wants to be seen in a weakened state. But I’ll check in with her again soon and see if she might be up for me to drop by. I don’t think she’s much of a game-player, not that I know of. My dad was always the one I played Scrabble and other games with.
Thank you, as always, for all the kind words. You’re pretty compassionate yourself.
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That’s so sad about your step mom. It must be hard having to step back and follow her wishes of not wanting to be seen often.
You’re fortunate to have thick hair that looks great long. I say keep it. I’m not a fsn of short hair for myself. Shoulder length is ideal for my thin but “alot” of hair supply. WTF is THAT description supposed to mean anyhow? LOL But that’s what hair stylists have said I have.
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A. — that’s an odd description, I agree! Yeah, it’s hard knowing she’s suffering and not being able to do anything for her. But I understand her feelings. She and I share the same feelings about independence and not wanting to inconvenience people.
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I think you need a hug.
All the best,
Yorkie.
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I thank your hair look good the way it is.
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Thanks for the vocabulary lesson. I didn’t know what a Quire was until I looked it up. Perhaps the random appearance of the OTK is the Universe suggesting that a loving session over a trusted lap might be just what you need right now.
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Yorkie — I do. Fortunately, I will see John tonight.
Anonymous — thanks. I saw my hairdresser yesterday for color; she did NOT cut it.
Anonymous 2 — you’d be amazed at the weird words you learn when playing Scrabble. And yes, I think you’re right.
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Yes, that truly is the face of depression. Under it though lies the face of a natural beauty. I’d like to see more of that once the darkness is dispelled.
As for your stepmother, you should run straight through that stop sign and go to her. it would do both of you a lot of good. This won’t be easy but when she’s gone there will not be another chance.
Wear your hair any way you damned please, those rules are so mid twentieth century! You are way past that.
I loved the long and raw Shadow Lane story. Keep those coming. Some of us only are able to attend vicariously. I’ve felt the same ebb and flow of energy and emotion in conferences I used to attend. Conference drop afterward was very real for me too.
Anon E. Mouse
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Mouse — why does something so enjoyable have to come with such drop? Can we just return to, you know, neutral? Blech.
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It’s the period of the pendulum. If you push a pendulum 10 degrees left it will swing back 10 degrees right. Sadly, human emotions seem bound to this same law of physics.
Blech indeed!
Anon E. Mouse
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you`ve got a lovely boat race (face)Scotty,when its not miserable,in fact who`s is nice when its miserable?Go and see your step mother ASAP for Gods sake,this is not something you can play with,you only get once chance with this life so don`t go balls it up,wear your hair how it pleases YOU, long short or even tall
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You are sweet and so pretty. Hang in
Always
Ron
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Pleeeeeeeze, no cutting the hair. You look almost Pre-Raphaelite with those locks. And, girl, I’ve got to confess, your pictures just have pizazz! Pop that in the scrabble and make ’em weep!
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Graham — well, unfortunately, it’s not up to me. If she doesn’t want visitors, I must respect that. The good news, I’ve already told her how I feel about her. I confessed that I wished she had been my mother. So at least I don’t have to feel bad about that going unsaid.
Ron — thank you.
VP — well, I didn’t cut it this time either. We’ll see where it goes!
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I think that raw picture of you is beautiful, Erica, but my favorite one of you is still the one under the About Me section. As for cutting your hair or not, that’s entirely up to you, but I’d keep it shorter in this damn heat…maybe try the longer look in winter. I was working outside today and wishing I had cut mine…but I usually always keep it long enough for a ponytail. The one time I really cut it short all of the men in my life thought I had lost my mind, but
I’m sorry your stepmother is having to work through all the medical issues, and I wish her a speedy recovery.
Hugs! ♥
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Jay — it’s funny, but longer hair doesn’t bother me in the heat. Maybe because it’s hot so much here that I just deal with it? Who knows. Yes, that About Me shot was a good one… I did that myself with a timer! Now, with selfies, I don’t use one anymore, but I think I got better shots with it.
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Mm, gorgeous long hair – long enough to wrap it round my left hand a couple of times and pull on it while I’m spanking you… Oops, did I say that out loud?! 😉
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Sweetsong — why yes, yes you did!
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